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Taeni_Lara, 21 y.o.
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Date: January 1, 2023
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Hello /u/Comprehensive-Lie165,
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I am sorry for you both that it appears over. I hope you both find peace and happiness.
?
we don't on-line together and when I'm at his place with the dog we are always together so i oversee their interactions so to speak, nothing crazy expect rough play and the two instances of abuse i talked about in the post
That’s… definitely not normal that’s some weird fetish he should probably see someone about tbh
Hello /u/TonyPlayzYT15,
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Very wise response. Thank you.
Whether he realizes it or not… It's really bad either way. Like, naked to say which is worse.
Chalk it up to a learning experience. If you meet another guy who reminds you of him, you'll know what to do.
It's pretty much cocaine or blowjob imo. You know her better than we do
I appreciate the advice. I agree I can't help if she feels hurt. All I can do is do it as gentle and honest as I can be.
He has also been contemplating telling me since this summer but “timing” has been bad for him.
No, he's just a coward. He was waiting for the sweet spot time period where he knows you'd hesitate to break up with him because you've been together so long.
He claims nothing else has happened between them physically since then.
You don't believe that right? He has made these abroad trip plans since then and auddenly had to cancel them this month? Something worse happened and he's he's using the lesser incidents to justify why he can't hang out with her anymore.
I’m honestly shocked. I feel disgusted, so so stupid, and very alone.
I'm sorry, that's such a shit place to be in.
Do I end the relationship even though he's promised to unfriend her?
You kind of have to. He's been dishonest with you on multiple occasions and gaslit you into accepting a situation you knew was not okay. This was while your relationship was supposed to be stable and loving.
As someone who stayed, the main thing I think needs to be said is that you are never going to be the same person if you commit to this relationship.
I lost a lot of my early confidence and self respect when I stayed with my ex and he ended up repeat cheating. The one currency you have im a relationship is trust and he just dropped yours all over the floor. You don't come back from that, you just slowly get more and more resentful.
5 months passed, i still feel like im more attached even though i feel his love surely. trying to let go of toxic traits, and that in a relationship not everyone can feel the same way always, but it doesnt have to mean anything bad.
Hey doll. First of all take a breath. Seriously. Be kind to yourself here. What would you tell your best friend? You would tell them that a university degree isn’t everything and that they need to prioritize happiness over success. School is expensive and stressful enough as it is, and without direction, it can feel like an insurmountable task. It is totally okay to not know what you want to do, and to be intimidated by people who have dreams that have steps to follow. There’s a great podcast called Psychology Of Your Twenties – it discusses all the massive emotional and mental changes we go through in this time frame, in really easy, compassionate and comprehensive ways. The host does one about feeling directionless and I think you would really like it. As for your parents – sweetheart, people fail courses and drop out of school all the time. It will have happened to your dad and your siblings, whether or not they will ever admit to it. Furthermore, your mom is a perfect example of the genuine help that can be offered to a community, regardless of education/certification. Going to university doesn’t inherently make you a better person. Focus on the things in your life that bring you joy. When in doubt, pursuing a volunteer role or travelling (even becoming a WOOFER or working in a hostel and living somewhere new) can help you find your path or lean into a more peaceful, simple existence. Your parents will project their feelings because they love you and want you to be successful. We just have to broaden their terminology and remind them that there are many roads to happiness. Take your time. Take your space. You are going to be okay. Sending you a virtual big ol squeeze and back tickles.
She's caring, loving, forgiving, relatively open-minded and even excited to have new experiences, hardworking, kind, takes care of her body, super loyal and dedicated to me, can cook, cleans well, supports me, sees a future with me and already is planning it, values a lot of the same things as me, we're eachother's closest and best friends not only love birds, she's selfless and looks at me like an equal, she accepts and even encourages me to be open about my emotions, she's fond of my family.
She just has a lot of good traits and I see her as a really good partner to on-line my life with.
Why would it be if im willing to have them 50 50
It sounds like you have a fundamental incompatibility. You was someone who is present and helps set up and is as high strung as you are while he is a child. Find someone more mature and also work on getting out of your family's house.
Maybe you guys just need a short break from eachother. I suggest sitting down and having a talk on what your current issues are and what you both should do about it. Then take a break. Process. Have time for thinking and yourself. Come back and try again in a fresh way. Tell eachother when you start to get overwhelmed.
I didn't think about it until later and had one of those “wait a minute” moments
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Husband [39M] and I [29F] had a discussion about the differences between raising a son and a daughter, and I need advice!
As the title says, husband and I had a discussion last night about our beliefs on how to raise our children, and now I’m curious to know what other people think (parents and non-parents).
Background info: We began dating while he was my high school teacher 12 years ago. We have 2 kids, one boy (4m) one girl (2f).
So last night we were talking about the differences between how we will raise our two children. I don’t remember the exact details at all, but it went something like this:
Husband: our daughter needs to know she needs to look good and keep up her appearance because men are wired scientifically to look for a woman who has good looks and can be a good mom and have his kids, and her looks are the most important thing to a man.
Me: wait, women look at looks too! So does our son, need to worry about his looks too?
Husband: no, women look more at how much money a man has and how well he can provide and protect her and her future children.
Me: well I think our daughter and our son should find someone they love for their personality and beliefs, and not solely looks and money. Not all people think that way so it’s not REQUIRED that our kids grow up thinking that way.
Husband: this is reality and evolution. No matter what your feelings are about it, these are facts.
Me: ok well I want our daughter to marry a man who has evolved past having a monkey brain and can appreciate a woman for more than her looks.
Husband: that’s not reality
Another convo:
Me: I want our daughter to know it’s ok to pursue a career and not worry about impressing men and being married with kids until way later, IF that’s what she chooses.
Husband: if we’re being realistic, there is an issue for women who decide to solely focus on a career and then at age 30 decide “oh no! I didn’t find a spouse and was too busy working on what I wanted to do professionally and recreationally without being tied down or worried about settling down yet. Now it’s too late/I’m going to have an almost impossible time finding a mate and settling down and having kids because my eggs are at the age of being geriatric!”
Me: so our son doesn’t have to worry about it? He can just grow his career, on-line the happy single life, focus on himself. And then at age whatever (40,50, etc) he can decide to find a wife to start a family and have no issues?
Husband: yes, the man is the one who CHOOSES his wife, so he’s looking for a young women who can have babies, not an older women. These older women are not going to get chosen by the available men, and they’re going to be upset about it like they couldn’t have prevented this. This is completely normal, this is what most people do, and have done for all of time, and any other examples you have are just little off shoot stories that don’t apply to a large majority of the world, and we don’t need to waste our time raising our kids for those unlikely possibilities (I suggested that maybe two business professionals meet at work at the age of 40 and they love each other because they have a ton in common and are now ready to start a family).
Me: so all the man is looking for is literally a young body to put a baby into and continue his bloodline. No love? No common interests? Etc?
Husband: no it’s both obviously. But the first thing a man notices is obviously a woman’s looks. And if she’s old and doesn’t have fertile eggs and he wants to have babies, he’s going to choose someone else. So our daughter would be out of luck.
Me: I think I’d prefer our kids to BOTH find someone who they actually love and not someone who focuses mostly on their looks or money. I especially don’t want our daughter to feel like her looks are the most important thing, and ESPECIALLY that a man’s approval is something she should ever strive for. I don’t think she should live with the hopes that a man will choose her. I think that’s really toxic and gross and we’ve grown as a human race to be better than all of that.
Husband: looks at me with pity, pats my head, gives me a hug “oh bless your heart, we really need to get you into therapy.”
Note: every time I say I don’t want my daughter being a piece of meat and I want her to be respected, loved and noticed for her personality and kindness, he says that I need to schedule therapy and I need help because what I’m saying is sad and wrong.
Granted, I’ve had an issues my whole life with men sexualizing me, from a very young age. I grew up with no steady male role model, and with the belief that I needed attention and approval from men, starting at a very young age. Now that I’m older and have had time to read about things and grow my own confidence and self-worth, we’ve been having disagreements on this topic and lots of suggestions for therapy.
If you’ve read this far, thank you so much. Please leave your thoughts below. I’m going to share this post with my husband so that we can discuss it together. Thanks again!
I'm sorry none of what you wrote made sense. He's ok to partake in the fruit of your loins and shower you with “love” but his one caveat in making it official is if you lose weight? Make it make sense! It's either he loves you or he doesn't.
Op, if you want to lose the weight, do so for you, not to be in a relationship. Cut off the benefits, dump him and on-line your best life. Level up sis! Love you more sis, be your best advocate! Don't become a victim of his own making and your co-signing.
There's two simple things here that would most likely help you.
1) Give her the explanation from the start. So don't just say: “I'm not driving to work tomorrow” say “I'm not driving to work tomorrow because parking is too hard”.
The first way of saying things seems like a lead from you to get her to ask you why. But she doesn't engage in the manner that you want her to so you get annoyed. She has no way of knowing that if you don't share your thoughts with her.
That leads us to number 2) Tell her that this is bothering you and that's why you might seem rude or short with her when she seemingly jumps to conclusions.
Try your best to not make it sound like it's her fault because this is something that's bothering you, and that should be the reason for you to bring it up.
Why be a doormat for this absolute goblin? He’s super mean and does not deserve another second of your time.
Yeah, should’ve gone there before thinking redditors would be helpful at all.
Yeah I also feel like a fool now…
Do tell
So he should keep his ex's panties too. He is also sufferring mentally.
Insane how porn-sick men like you can’t imagine that all men aren’t addicted coomer voyeurs like them ?
Doesn't change that they are stringing you along, intentionally or not it doesn't make it better.
she obviously feels the same way or she wouldn't be mentioning it
I reckon she was fishing, she maybe wanted something akin to 'yeah you are, maybe we should go separate ways', but instead OP handled it like an adult and put the onus back onto her. Ever since, it's been a ticking clock until the confirmation bias from her coworkers gave her the courage.
I expect OP's ex is just what a salesperson would call, an easy mark. I imagine it is why she came crawling back after 4 hours. As soon as anyone other than her coworkers got wind of it, the validating circle-jerk stopped, and she panicked.
I don't necessarily think getting back together would lead to the exact same issue down the line – I suspect friends and family have brought her down a few pegs – but OP and Ex are clearly in very different places in terms of maturity and that may manifest in equally damaging ways. Given OP is clearly ready for more, I don't think it would be fair or right for him to hang around for an indefinite amount of time for his Ex to catchup.