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Mia, 21 y.o.
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Date: November 17, 2022
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I was with someone who it hurt to have sex with. I realized it was because he did absolutely nothing at all to turn me on or get me in the mood. Sex was about him getting what he wanted and that was it. I thought it would always feel like that.
Im now with my current partner and it has only been mildly uncomfortable once or twice and you know what we do when it hurts? We stop. If anything we’ll try again later when I’m positive I’m in the mood. We have sex more days out the week than we don’t and in those times my needs matter as much if not more than his. He takes care of me and makes sure I’m satisfied and it rarely hurts.
He does not have your best interest at heart. If you are so turned off during sex that you’re not naturally able to relax down stairs or lubricate then you shouldn’t be having sex. If it’s not a medical reason it’s because your body doesn’t want to do that. Listen to your body and what it’s telling you.
I cant speak on if she used you or not. All I can tell you is when you have a partner you deem as a life-partner, you can't expect to say “your money” and “my money,” that's the #1 cause in separations/divorces. You get fixated on the idea of separate finances to feel independent, but it only turns your financial status into a competition. Although it's good to distinguish yourself from your partner, it's never good to have the mindset of being “independent” in a relationship, otherwise, what's the purpose of co-living.
If you truly loved her, her paying you back wouldn't even be on the table. Because it wouldn't have been just your money to begin with.
But you're 10000% within your right to feel how you do & to slowly start losing your love for her. A chosen partner's love always has conditions, and it sounds like she's no longer meeting your conditions for what you need in a relationship you deem as healthy. I'm sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can say is, take this as lesson learned.
My husband and I have a joint account for both checking & savings, then we have separate accounts for shits & giggles, but all of our money combined is ours to touch, no matter who's name is on what account. We don't play “pay me back” games, because in all honesty, that shit is for the birds & only causes division where unity is expected.
My straight boyfriend went to a regular bar. How should I react
Yes it is a red flag. cheating is cheating and he is not who decides what cheating is.
leave this child.
I'm sorry for what you are going through here but it is time for you to take a deep breath and realize that she isn't the injured party here. You are.
She made choices that profoundly hurt someone she was supposed to love.
Someone who really loved you:
would have been your longterm friend. They would not have lied so profoundly to you and for 10 years
her family being religious does not make it okay for her to have done this to you. She could have made an arrangement with you and gotten your permission to have a sexless relationship
there are many many people from religious families that have “roommates” and “never find the right person”. She had that choice.
the problem is that
She never respected you enough to give YOU a choice.
Taking away someone else's right to have a healthy and loving relationship was extremely selfish and self-absorbed.
None of this has ever been about you.
She is the one who owes you profound apologies and she is the one who needs to figure out how this might proceed forward… but I think you should take a few weeks away.
Go on a trip or something with a friend. Get out of your house. Get some perspective away from her and reminders of her.
I find it kinda very hot really. I feel like all my mates are great fun but would ditch me as soon as they met a girl or something
You bout to fvck up, pull the brakes on your dick.
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Please don't listen to the others. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, including going to the cops. It's a rigorous process, it's okay if you can't manage that right now.
Well said
Are you sure you’re both 28 and 29? This sounds like something teens would argue about, not people almost in their 30s.
And you’re both at fault.
I too have dated an irredeemable douchebag. When I finally snapped out of it and dumped him, I was SO angry at myself for allowing someone so pathetic to worm his way into my life and head. I wasn’t even really mad at him, I could just finally see that his very nature was disgusting and he was only doing what he would do to any other women dumb enough to go along with it. I walked away feeling a thousand pounds lighter and never looked back.
After that I stayed single for a good while. Not on purpose per se, there was some casual dating, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I rebuilt the relationships with friends and family that had been damaged in my time of insanity and made some new friends. I found happiness and contentment in myself.
After about a year, one of my new friends became a very good friend. We hung out a lot, he met my parents, we shared the same friend group, etc. Everyone, including my mother, kept telling me that we should be dating but it took me a long time to see it too. Eventually we gave it a shot. We’ve been together for 17 years, married for 10, and have two beautiful kids (3 and 1, god help us!) We are that gross couple that snuggles and laughs and just enjoy the hell out of each other.
If I can encourage you in any way, it will be to tell you that you now know exactly what you don’t want in a partner and what you won’t be willing accept anymore. Give yourself time to heal, forgive yourself, and start making your own happiness. I find that good, happy people are attracted to other good, happy people. Don’t worry about looking for a new guy, he will find you when you are in a good space for it. In the meantime, enjoy repairing your relationship with yourself! Be kind and gentle and maybe even spoil yourself a little. Never forget that you deserve it!!
No it's not. I speak from experience; I respected my ex's wishes despite my needs, but I should've ended it right then and there due to incompatibility issues. It prolonged the relationship unnecessarily.
That’s rape dude
Leave. Tell her you don’t feel appreciated and that you’ve tried the best you could. Stand firm regardless of what she says, because at this point it’s just talk. Ultimately you’re trying to convince someone to give you sex. That’s always a bad position to be in. Nothing you can do about it. She looks at it as a chore. And hangs it over your head with this checklist. Clearly manipulative. The reason for her not having sex with you is not important anymore. You trying to find an answer is just spinning your wheels and building frustration. Stop asking her or yourself why. You two aren’t compatible. That’s it. You aren’t happy and you don’t trust her and it’s eating at your mental health. The screaming matches followed by radio silence with no resolution- Sounds toxic as hell. Again leave.
You’re a 30 year old man. Still young and in your prime. Be single. Download some dating apps. Start lifting weights/working out/eating healthy. It’ll help a lot. Right now is a critical time to focus on your health. It won’t be easy to walk away from 4 years, painful in fact. A year from now you’ll be much happier and healthier. Invest in your sanity and happiness now.
So when I was first married, my husband one day told me I wasn't allowed to go anywhere until the dishes were done. I was like 2 months pregnant and I was exhausted, but I just sighed and put on my shoes and started walking to the door. Husband asked where I was going and I said, “I wasn't planning on going anywhere, but you aren't my father so now I'm going to the store!”
It's been 20+ years since that happened. I brought it up to my husband a few months back and he said, “I said that?! Man, I was dumb!”
That's the way to deal with any SO who tells you you're not allowed to go somewhere.
It depends on what she does. She could have said she's working from home that day, same with him. So no changes in her pay slips.
It depends on what she does. She could have said she's working from home that day, same with him. So no changes in her pay slips.
He's been with the other girl for 6 years and ever since he's been texting me every few months for 6 YEARS. And I never replied once.
I mean your whole point seems to be that they’re somehow both at fault here. You called her controlling and said she’s treating him like a child. I wholly disagree and I hope she doesn’t take that to heart.
He sounds like he is very fragile. Does not seem good partner material TBH
I see you missed the angry “cheating should be illegal and punishable by law” part. But please, keep insulting me. ?
You need to leave this relationship and get away permanently. This is a toxic woman and a toxic situation. When you find out somebody cheats don’t go back to them. Or they will walk all over you like a rug and that’s what she has done so please leave and take care of yourself.
Where can I rent a plane that drags a giant banner, cause this is one giant yikes. Dude is still a youth and you’re turned off because he’s not as very hot as the good ole days?
Here’s a secret that almost everyone knows, men have to suck it up and roll with the punches. I was also mocked for being fat by my uncle and class peers. When a trusted friend does it, it’s different. That’s a special level of ball busting, we don’t take it personally, but we also don’t let ourselves be emotionally vulnerable with each other. When men have a romantic relationship, they are supposed to be more vulnerable and that’s supposed to be respected. You repeatedly insulted him and then explained how you don’t find him attractive—gee, I wonder why a human would cry about that. A lot of fat people use food as a comfort crutch, I wouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t care about his diet because he feels inadequate for his girlfriend, which fuels a negative feedback loop.
He finally opens up about how he feels when it comes to oral/hands and asks you to please teach what your body likes =that’s a breakthrough, a healthy and productive example of communication, and you shut him down because in your fantasy, you think a man magically knows how to satisfy. Heres another secret about men, we are not mind readers. Different women respond different to stimuli. And how we think is different from how women think and feel, so there needs to be open, supportive, honest communication to figure what each other want and how to compromise.
One girl called me a creep because I wrote her erotic romance letters while another girl told me to keep doing it that because it got her off. One girl loved having her vulva slapped, another had a super sensitive vulva and would’ve cried if I smacked it. I was the dominant one, but I realized I needed them to first tell/show me what they liked/didn’t like.
I had to re-scroll a couple times to see if you said you loved him, if it’s there, I missed it.
The best thing you can do is have you and him go to therapy. There’re a lot of serious intimacy and partnership issues that needs help with. Good luck.
Thanks so much for offering advice rather than being rude & ignorant like most of the comments. I actually talked with my sister today and she apologized. We are going to spend time together tomorrow and I am looking forward to it!