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I have always been open & honest with any partner. If they couldn't handle me having a past or other relationships before them that that was on them and I didn't put up with that kind of drama of always being insecure and questioning me. You can't handle my past you don't deserve my future. I will answer questions partners have but be ready for the truth.
No I’m looking for advice, this isn’t a 13 year old I have a child to look after I’m a mother who wants her family back and that’s what I’m trying to do.
And even then it would be kinder and more caring for OP to send a “want get a bite?” Text to jog her memory
Well if he has to lie, it’s nothing innocent. You know what’s probably happening. Take a breather. Decide what you want to do. He’s likely deleting messages or talking on a different app. Sorry this is happening.
Hahahaha agreed. Fuck.
You should ask him about it. He may have a good reason or forgotten about it. Also, side note: a lot of GP's have horrible autism training. Just a friendly warning.
Not every thought needs to be shared
I was in your shoes with an ex who had a coworker. To me, it was obvious she liked him and he genuinely had no clue. Spoiler…we broke up and he dated her. She was the opposite of me and he thought that was what he wanted. Also spoiler… he was wrong.
Anyway what I didn’t do and suggesting is you talk with her. She doesn’t have to know you saw the texts, but say that she’s spending a lot of time with him. You care about her and want to know if there’s anything she feels like the two of you are lacking. Get it all out. Or you can go the route of being honest and you saw the text and you want to know if anything is going on. I know you said she called you jealous and paranoid but that’s an extreme reaction that comes from guilt maybe. Either way you need to know so you can move on.
“No” also only works when you have have someone who understands that it means “no” and not “30 minutes later”
Sounds like she might be developing depression. She might need to see someone.
I feel for you dude. Brad is a pos and so is your mom for not considering your feelings. And that sucker punch was well deserved. If it was me though, I would give your mom an ultimatum. For as long as she is with Brad, I will not be in your life, but if you leave him then I will be back with open arms. But I don’t think you would want to do that
It’s what “bender” usually means
Marriage is for a handful of day to day benefits like the way people treat your relationship and safely merged finances. And more importantly for when shit hits the fan. Injury, illness, death.
Without knowing what the “incident” was there's very little advice we can give, it sounds like something transpired between you two that changed the relationship completely. The one thing I can say is you won't get anything from posting this notes here or leaving it in your phone, you need to communicate clearly and honestly with that person
If you care for the relationship you are in, then you should go no contact with him. Send him a message saying you're happy with your life as it is now, you're not interested in being friends with him, and then block his number. Also, let your current B.F know an ex contacted you, and that you blocked him.
When I started dating my wife, an ex flame of hers started messaging her after we had been dating a few months. She told me about it, she showed me the messages where she said she was with someone else and happy and that she wished him well.
He kept trying to re-insert himself in her life. Would act like a friend, and then go way inappropriate. Trying to get back in her life, and pants. I told her this was unacceptable to me. For her to try and maintain a friendship with someone who clearly wanted a lot more than that. She agreed, and blocked him on everything.
I wasn't trying to be controlling, or tell her who she could and couldn't be friends with. Just enforcing a boundary I personally had for myself and what I would allow in a relationship. I had a failed marriage because of cheating on my Ex wifes part with people who were “just friends”. Men who would make inappropriate comments she defended as them just joking around. It was a lot more than talk I was to find out.
My now wife respected me enough, and me her enough to both act this way when people from our past tried to reinsert themselves into our life's. It's a sign of mutual respect for each other, and our relationship.
Thank you. With all the context I do think that there are psychological factors which have made this happen.
When she phoned to do it, she said she wasn't sad at all – but it didnt take even ten seconds of describing the week we had together to make her break down and cry. It's like she's built herself a little veneer of denial for the purposes of carrying out a breakup.
I agree, take your friend
She wants out. She said she doesn't love you anymore. It's game over for your relationship with her. Get a good lawyer and begin divorce proceedings.
If you stay, you'll waste far more than 6 months. You won't get it ever back, because he won't change. But you can prevent wasting more time
Just be prepared, if you end the relationship, she will offer sex. She will lie back and not move and it will be the worst sex you will ever have. You will feel like a rapist afterwards.
Then why not talk to her, as a person, rather than appeal to Internet strangers for tired tropes? Also, just because people don't give you the answers you're looking for, that doesn't mean they're mad at you. That's a victim mentality, and will do you no good at all.
Get clear with him on what you are doing for each other. Don’t spend more than he does. If he doesn’t want to exchange gifts don’t get him anything.
Leave him alone – you’re being the exactly the type of girl (or boy?) that a girlfriend does not want her bf to have. It’s not appropriate and I’m hoping this is a fake post to troll people with. He removed you because it is clear that you like him and you are interfering with his relationship, therefore you’re not a platonic friend. He values her, and u shouldn’t ask him to keep secrets from her at ALL. Even if she asked him to remove u and ignore u, he is happily listening and respecting that, which shows you you need to stop and move on. You’ve lost him
Well, what are you saying exactly? How would you defend him? Would you call the accuser a liar?
Have you sat with the idea of how incredibly chaotic and tense your crisis was? That it also put your support people into crisis?
It absolutely makes sense they reached out to each other to discuss you because they were the only two support people that were close enough to you to understand the situation and support each other through your crisis. Your crisis. Yes you were at the center, but you were not alone in being in crisis. You drug them both along for the ride.
You say they wrote each other hurtful things for you to read. I dare say they were unvarnished realities you’re not prepared to acknowledge. I think you truly don’t see how much you hurt them.
And you’re wondering why your friend talked about it the way she did. From her point of view, she had to distill the constant venting into the most salient information. You not wanting to be pregnant is an unimportant nuance when you’re ranting about possibly being pregnant. You are so hung up on her not clarifying enough. Why? You want to position yourself in the most favorable light to your boyfriend, that you currently consider on your side and want to keep on your side. You’re offended that your friend didn’t carefully position you just so in the light and now you consider her a bad guy. Did she actually say baby trap or did you infer that?
Your best friend single-handedly bore the brunt of your unstable, suicidal episode. She saved your life. That’s huge. That’s everything. And your BPD is still not stable enough for you to realize that your throwing your savior away over two texts where you didn’t like how you came off. Is that what you really want to do?
Would you actually have listened if he told you he was at the end of his rope? You seem to have very limited insight and that seems like a doubtful occurrence.
Divorce is happening. You're probably best served by accepting it and taking full responsibility for yourself and your actions or lack of actions. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll be on the road to wellness.
I know a lot about this, my partner has done many shitty things and has tried nude to change but it's always done in such minuscule amounts that often it seems like no change has been made at all.
Unfortunately because he expects nothing, he sees nothing, what he needs from you is for you to make big changes that he couldn't hope to miss. If you don't feel that you're able to do that or that it's too much to ask of you then you may need to go your separate ways.
Thanks
Actually break up is how you deal with it
Sending hugs and positive thoughts ? only you can decide what’s best for you. Just know that you are amazing and no one deserves this.
Nope move on she ain’t the one.
You know what to do. It’s just terrible and hot. You need to leave ASAP and go somewhere safe. If you can grab your keys and bolt, do it. If you’re worried he will try and stop you, wait until he’s asleep and sneak out.
I’m sorry.
What the hell is it with boyfriend's/So's thinking that it's a good idea to verbally express that they find other women more attractive than their partners? It's one thing to think it but it's another thing to verbalize it to her and crush self esteem.
I just don't understand why liking a picture is thrown in the category of cheating or something. Like damn its just instagram. Its wild fr
It's really not the answer I want to hear obviously but I appreciate the input. We're in couple's therapy but I'm not quite sure what sex therapy would entail. I'll have to look into it.
If masturbating is better than sex, it's time for both of you to masterbate more, until he bothers to try.
I don't know bro you might as well just let her know me and my friend keep shit straight with each other even about us being more then friends and honestly we have no weirdness or anything towards eachother we still hang out regularly and really enjoy spending time with each other.
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This is the textbook definition of gas lighting. She did something wrong and is making you feel bad for being upset.
She needs to apologize to you. You have every right to be upset.
Hmmm imagine how he acts with other girls when you’re not around……definitely talk to him and be assertive
So you were sick and decided to not only pass on your genes to kids on purpose but you did so fully expecting to die (and so would abandon them)
Sounds like a great plan. And then have 9 more. Jesus christ your mom is right and btw the world is overpopulated and dying…..
I'm kind of curious, if you don't tell her…what's the ultimate plan? Are you just going to sit back patiently while she dates and has sex with other men and just be satisfied with being able to be around her whenever she allows? Do you plan on secretly loving her while you're dating other women and never giving other women respect because you're too caught up secretly loving someone who will love someone else and eventually have someone else's child?
The “friendship” is more of a burden to you than you realize. You may as well tell her because you obviously will only be hurting yourself and others unwittingly falling in love with you otherwise.
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You are coworkers.
You have an age gap which will make him look like a creep to all other coworkers if you date.
He has not shown any huge interest in you outside of work.
So honestly? He's not into you (but probably picked up that you were into him, which is why he treated you differently when you had a partner, feeling he was “safe” now) and it would terribly unwise of him to date you anyway. In general, you shouldn't date coworkers, ever.
If you ever change your job, then feel free to tell him during your last day that you would love it if you two could stay in contact and grab a coffee together or whatever. But don't do anything before then – and if you do, be absolutely prepared to get shot down. No sane man would ruin his reputation like that (or even be into someone so far out of his age range).
No she is talking about someone else. I'm sure about that.
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It’s very sad. Honestly I think specifically cis het Black men in our community need to be more educated on the fetishization of Black bodies. As women we are more understanding of these concepts because of how women are socialized. I feel men do not understand that people out there will reproduce with them for “pretty light skinned babies” or some other thing while at the same time being completely racist. Men can be over sexualized and fetishized the same way women can. They just aren’t taught to see it.
That's a not gift wtf
Find a new girlfriend. She’s being ridiculous.
Wow — what a precedent!
Does she have other insecurities that require additional, immediate funds?
First thing that I thought of was that this is total BS, and the guy never said he didn't want to meet you.
More like your wife made this up, because she doesn't want YOU to meet him.
Most normal people/friend groups are perfectly fine and happy to be introduced to somebody's partner – especially if they're married.
Apart from that, somebody's spouse or long term partner being friends with mostly single people is one thing. I'm certainly not against it, but it's not usually a positive for the relationship (not always a negative, either, but it definitely has the potential to be one).
But when your spouse/partner has single friends AND doesn't want you as part of that group? NOPE.
I think your wife is lying to you about this. SHE doesn't want you to meet this guy, or her friends in general.
They get better when they're in their 30's. Usually they're out of their hoe phase.
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Good please leave him before he causes you trauma like his. You don't deserve to be treated that poorly by a partner…nobody does
Updoot for the username.
I used to be with someone like this, so trust me when I say he will not ever get better. He doesn't care about how you feel, he just cares about hurting people who've done nothing to him. Get our while you can because if you move with him he WILL make it difficult.
I've tried to talk to her about how much the lack of physical intimacy bothers me and it really felt like she just didn't care.
This says it all really.
You're on the verge of a dead bedroom while dating (a dead bedroom is sex 10 times a year or less).
This is not going to ever change for the better as your GF doesn't care about your needs.
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Perhaps I reading this wrong but it sounds a bit like “I presented myself to him as being an ABC woman, bur now that we're living together I'm showing him I'm really an XYZ women”, did I misinterpret that?
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Curious as to what I said points to me being gay for you.
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She’s lucky you didn’t call the police.
That’s domestic violence. She threw it intending to hurt you.
(Not to mention her hypocrisy of caring for her children.)
An apology is the minimum you deserve. Putting aside any medical costs or future consequences.
Without it, she hasn’t learnt anything or taken responsibility.
It would be cheaper and less painful to just get a new man.
Did you read the post of any of these comments?
Tell your dad that he helps out enough at home and probably didn’t want to overstep himself in a strange environment. And the next time they want help to ask for it not expect guests to be mind readers
So if you're this aware of how she feels is he aware?
I didn’t know this! Thank you I’ll check it out
She constantly posts about this guy and the same issues, she had a similar post a few days ago. Not sure if it’s trolling, karma collecting or what but it’s consistent and she doesn’t want to listen to advice.
If you trust that you're honest with each other, how would a conversation go if he wanted to hang out with a female friend and he told you that she was just a platonic friend? Would you believe him? Would he believe you if you told him that your male friend was just a friend?
“Azul, I do trust my partner. It's them other people I don't trust.”
As long as you trust your partner, other people's intentions do not matter. Because your partner will keep boundaries in check one way or another.
Yeesh dude, we get it, you want to see her again. But here’s the thing, she said goodbye. If she’s thinking about you in six months, she will reach out. It feels like you only came here for confirmation of what you want to think, you don’t want to even consider that she’s not interested. It’s very nude to tell someone straight up “I don’t want to see you again because I don’t like you,” and if it’s only been a date or two I wouldn’t say someone is obligated to be that forward. Stop reading into the details and just take her at her word, she politely rejected you.
Holy cow OP, this man is throwing so many red flags it’s insane. The finances alone should be a hill to die on, but including the kids conversation reveals a fundamental incompatibility. It is crystal clear this man wants to tie you down with kids and is absolutely jonesing to get his hands on your cash.
He has little to no assets and is deigning to tell you how things should go? Dictating how you should spend YOUR MONEY!! That’s a hell to the no. Listen to your gut and how uncomfortable you are with this whole thing. Your body knows what’s up and it isn’t pretty.
Don't bother asking they why, this is a violation pure and simple. You need to a) break up with him and be firm on this, and b) report him to the authorities.
He'll throw every excuse and apology in the book at you but he's already crossed a line that should never been crossed.
Has he said why? very strange request lol
Anyways the why doesn't really matter, if you are willing to compromise and he is happy seems like no advice needed.
We have been talking for just 1 month, he was always like this
Some people just take longer to form attachments. I've only ever fallen in love with one woman and it took over two years of dating before I felt that way.
It didn't mean that I didn't care about her, or have strong feelings, just it took me longer to get there than she did.
I've had partners tell me that they love me after only a couple of months, it's awkward to try and defuse it with “I love spending time with you” and “You mean a lot to me too” but I feel it's better than lying to them.
Just because he doesn't feel that way today doesn't mean he never will.
She asked for my help to get away from him and came and stayed with me. I went a little too hot on the let’s get back together, instead of being the friend she needed. So she went back to him.
yeah … this is toxic imo.
you're adults for heaven's sake. as long as you were committed to working out whatever issue you had earlier, i don't understand why she'd be upset about this.
if you ditched an active conversation for the bar, that's different. that's not how this post read to me, though.
she sounds like she's still growing up a little bit. understandable, but you don't have to put up with that. just do your thing and if it's that big of a deal, she'll have to leave. but your autonomy is important.
controlling partners are no fun.
Let’s go with of how OP’s gf did to him. Unplanned situation you casually bring it up to him after 8 months of not mentioning about it is not okay. because if it’s actually a culture it’s on her for not telling him early as possible. That is important especially for her culture. Now to your question It’s obviously we want the relationship to work by having trust and understanding along with respect within boundaries. Right? Unplanned visit just strikes me odd you didn’t want to tell me beforehand. I wouldn’t go in strip club by myself unplanned if I’m in relationship because that let alone would destroyed woman’s trust.
Is this the first boyfriend your parents have met?
I'm not sure, honestly I just feel very insecure since she's told me
I really don’t like how he turned this situation around on you and YOU ended up having to console him so he didn’t carry through with his threat to leave you. That is utterly manipulative. OP get away from this guy. He’s bad news.
She's the one who cheated and betrayed your trust, you have every right to do so. Dump her.
But masturbating every single night to porn since you hit puberty and now you LITERALLY cannot sleep without getting your nut is MOST CERTAINLY an addiction. He cannot sleep without busting a nut. He is literally a sex addict. Just because it’s a normal sex function, doesn’t mean it’s normal and/or healthy to be needing to nut before sleeping. Like, that’s a huge problem. And he’s making sex out to be a chore for his wife! Where’s the love? The passion? The spontaneous?? He just talks like she’s a sex doll for him and oh if he can’t have sex with her – his hand is completely fine. As long as HE is getting HIS needs met – fuck his wife right? Fuck her needs and her feelings….. ?
Okay
If you're going to spend the rest of your life, you need to accept one basic fact — you & he are not the same. You have different likes and needs and ways of interacting with the world. YOU would be miserable with no friends, sitting home by yourself instead of a B party. He is not. It's that simple. Don't try to apply YOUR preferences to his way. He is not you.
So go have fun and remember that this is his choice.
Gee, there’s nothing sexier than shoving a piece of plastic up a woman’s cervix while she’s writhing in pain.
What exactly is he jealous of?
This is a little different from your situation due to circumstances, but I bring my mom with me as much as possible to any OB things. 1) my husband works a lot and it’s not reasonable for him to take off for every appointment, plus we have 3 kids so he knows the gist now and 2) my mom is a labor nurse and asks questions I forget about or will just be very honest with me about anything going on. She also works in the same hospital as my OB so we have kind of a banter between the three of us. My mom is on the nursing team every time I have a baby and it’s awesome. Like I said, it’s not the same, but the comfort a mom can provide is profound.
Why not seek a relationship that makes you happy? A relationship that makes you feel good? Where you know your partner loves, values, and respects you?
Why do you think it's your job to be quiet and not complain, not ask for anything, not annoy him? Do you think that's what all women deserve in their relationships: “Shut the fuck up and stay out of the way”?
That's some really serious insecurity for a 4-year relationship.
It's perfectly acceptable to find other members of your preferred sex attractive. I think that goes without saying but apparently he hasn't gotten the message.
Yeah dude y'all gay
You do realize that she did this all on purpose. None of those kids were accidents to her
I understand where you're coming from, but it sounds like the drive is probably part of the reason she doesn't see you more often so if this upsets you so much, you should make an effort to take on more of the driving
Ever consider a fucking condom lol
You should Google the wedding website and their registry. This story is very suspect. I think your husband is going on a five day trip but not with this “friend”.
Seriously.
My closing costs were more than 20K
I think your wife has a mental health issue going on. Not because of how many kids you have, but because of her reaction to the vasectomy. I think she derives her entire identity from being your pregnant wife. It’s tied to her value as a woman and defines her as “young.” That’s just sick to me. I can’t exactly articulate why, other than each child is a human being and needs attention etc. Having children shouldn’t so about her and it shouldn’t be how she finds her value and identifies. Nothing else explains her reaction to me. You have 6 kids and it’s 2023. That’s plenty. I was never able to have any. If that much of my identity was tied into being a mother, I’d be in a mental ward. Sure it’s heartbreaking for me, but I’ll have to find another way in life. Sadly, that just wasn’t in gods plan for me. I think your wife should talk to someone. I wouldn’t take what she is doing personally, but if I was you, I’d recommend individual and then couples therapy because she is crossing a line here and her behavior is manipulative and disrespectful. I wish you both and your 6 kids the best.
How the fuck is this even a question OP?
Things like this infuriates me. I would move mountains for my daughter. She’s married & they have a home together but if she called me right now and needed me I’d be there as soon as humanly possible w o question or hesitation. He is being a total ass for treating you this way. Even though you pay rent he cut power to your room which is mind boggling. He’s treating you like a child who needs discipline or one who acts up so bad the only punishment is to cut power or like some dads take the door to the bedroom off. It’s completely psycho behavior.
As hot as it’d be I’d sit down and ask what you’ve done to deserve this treatment.
The best thing would be to start looking for your own place and move as soon as you could. Because it’s apparent he doesn’t want you there which is heartbreaking to me.
You cannot risk talking to her. It’s a court order. She called the cops, so she has to deal with it. I’m sorry OP, but do not go there!
He should have taken you along so it shows that hey, this is my lady. Even if he doesn't know anyone at his new work place, it doesn't hurt to take you alone, unless the celebrant says no if he asked but I'm sure he didn't ask. All you can hope for is he behaves himself at the party.
That's tough. I'm sorry you had to experience this and were lied to for months. You may have loved him but it wasn't the real him, it was a facade he put on to keep you around.
You are enabling her and she will never grow up if you keep codling her. Take this information as you will.
When am I going to get it into my head that no matter how much I think I can’t read anything worse than a previous horror of a post, there is always something worse lurking around the corner!
I'm sorry he's a massive mean asshole and so are his mother fucking friends. Leave them all and burn the mother fucking bridge. In their goddamn 30s and acting like mean girls from middle school. Grow the fuck up already. Fuck them all! I'm in tech and so far everyone I deal with are really all nice. It's not a tech thing it's a shitty personality thing.
You are the only person who can choose when you start deciding to move on rather than continue feeling how you are. No required time to decide here. Good luck.
Just apologise and say In retrospect you disagree with what you said and how you said it. Pet her know you understand why what you said was inconsiderate and disrespectful of her efforts.
I’ve been that woman and I’m glad I was told
When I was in Iraq we would pee in water bottles because the long hot af walk to the porta John was just stupid sometimes
I can’t imagine feeling like that in my own bedroom
My first thought, too. Yikes.
Get safe, OP. You are who you are, but what's happening to you while you don't remember seems to be taking over you. Your subconscious is bursting! He's trouble. Get safe. A force fetish for the waking, conscious mind is one things, what he's doing sounds like literal torture and her body's starting to rebel through her behaviors.
Get into a safe situation immediately! And away from him. This was horrific to read.
Coffee is literally one of the safest dates a woman can go on:
usually in a public place no expectation of alcohol consumption typically comes with a to-go option to-go cups mask the actual remaining coffee so you can make an early exit if you need to no built-in time commitment like a meal or movie
Don’t try to stop dudes from asking people out on coffee dates. They’re one of the few days categories that are generally safest to say yes to.
Aren't in that figure?!
I would nope out of this relationship. Not just for the debt (unless it was medical debt. Medical debt is bullshit) but for keeping it hidden until now. That does not bode well.
“anonymity” is especially tough if one starts a fwb/secondary relationship with a close friend, someone living in the same town…. While OP might keep it a secret, what about friends, family, neighbors, the secondary partner etc.?
What if OP's wife wants to hang out with his friends or invites them over for dinner? This can quickly become extremely uncomfortable, hence, why many couples (who have this “anonymity” rule) say that friends/family etc. is completely off limits, and they usually also have rules about how often you can hang out, what happens if you develop feelings etc.
yes, that make sense.
Show your new dad some respect.
Stop taking naps and sleep enough during the night. Naps are not neccessarry and they would also annoy me.
Eye rolling can be rude but I sometimes do it too when I just dont want to make a fuss but I am annoyed by something.
Why do you have seperate bedrooms?
He will kill you if you decide to stay in a relationship with him. Do you want to online in fear every single moment that you are with him?
Look up his business on the internet. Most countries have businesses registered, so you should be able to find his-if he has one.
If nothing else, ask him.
Your husband is intentionally behaving like this to isolate you from family. It's designed to control you and make sure that you can't leave him. He's threatened by you having a support system in the form of your dad, because then you might have the means to leave him.
This is an abusive relationship, and you deserve better. This would be a great time to leave him permanently and move somewhere else, while he's in the treatment facility.
What he did is considered assault in a lot of places.
Plan b, and BLOCK HIM NOW. DOMT EVER HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN. He violated tf out of u. Not okay
That was not the extent of it. Might want to have all the facts before you come at someone foul mouthed.
You can talk to your mother and tell her how hanging out with your ex is making you feel. Other than that, you can’t control the actions of others, you can only set boundaries for yourself, which could be decreasing contact with mom if she chooses to be friends with your ex. Definitely block ex on everything, there’s no reason to still be able to reach her if she’s this kind of toxic and manipulative.
The way he’s handling this is not healthy, and it’s disrespectful to you. Whether or not you on-line in the apartment is immaterial. The fact that he won’t even have a conversation about it is a red flag. True partners discuss things like this. He’s already threatening to leave you if you even bring it up, and worse, he’s threatening to leave you if his ex decides on her own to move out?! What?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry OP but this is not how conflict resolution in a healthy relationship should be. If he’s making a unilateral decision like this now, he will continue to make unilateral decisions for your family. I would reconsider the relationship if he’s unwilling to have a conversation with you.
Was he really in a different state? Could that be a lie he told you?
Absolutely! I can’t even imagine how filthy this man’s ass must be to leave bed linens in this condition. ?
I hated comments about my weight lose , my body is none of your business
And again, regret is very random and individual. You can't online your life by that.
Only they can choose the decision. Who else has any power to choose for them?
Sorry you would kill your child. I agree, the adoption system has a lot of corruption.
Who said they were breeding stock? It is a symbiotic relationship. Parents that don't want it and those that do.
Have you got a life of your own? Majority of people think of the SO regularly but those who feel secure in their relationship don't think of the worst when something doesn't go how they imagined.
How long do you expect LDR to go for?
Have you got a life of your own? Majority of people think of the SO regularly but those who feel secure in their relationship don't think of the worst when something doesn't go how they imagined.
How long do you expect LDR to go for?
Have you got a life of your own? Majority of people think of the SO regularly but those who feel secure in their relationship don't think of the worst when something doesn't go how they imagined.
How long do you expect LDR to go for?
I said we should not speak for 3/4 weeks and then see how we are feeling and whether we want to be friends or not. Because despite being in a relationship with her, we were best friends and part of me doesn’t want to lose that friendship I had with her
Okaaaaaay that's … enough Reddit for today!
Honestly. Men should not be getting married and having kids if they DONT UNDERSTAND THIS.
The woman is tired and stressed and still healing. Sex is the last thing on her mind.
You need to stop. It doesn’t matter if it’d be flattering. It’d mean absolutely nothing.
He already knows you like him, so it’s not giving anything new away. It’s possible he’d chase if you ran, but we have no way of knowing.
I really wish it was
he went to therapy for a month or two after the last time this was a big issue (around 4 months into the relationship) and it helped some but he stopped going in december. And now it’s becoming an issue again. I know he is willing to go, but he is in med school rn so he has very little extra time or space in his schedule to go for the next month ish. So i guess i just don’t really know what to do in the mean time. It’s weird bc i’m ab to get my bachelors in psychology and apply for phd programs so i feel like i should be able to help him but i know it’s different when it’s your partner. i guess i just feel a little inadequate bc i want him to be as secure in our relationship as i am.
Updateme!
Her life doesn't need to be meaningless for the recommended actions to be incredibly selfish and cruel. You don't abandon your kid because it's nude only to pop up again when it's easy. I don't blame her for walking away, but I'd definitely fault her for pulling that type of bullshit
this is so heartbreaking- divorce her and online your life.
Me and my sibling were with our mother plenty of times when. She went to cheat. Wasn't nude to manipulate us into not telling.
I honestly went through his phone the first time just because I had a gut feeling about something and I ended up being right. I know it’s not okay and is a huge invasion of privacy. I actually stopped for awhile but sometimes I just wanna give myself the reassurance that he’s not doing anything shady. It’s bad I know! :/ Regarding the affair, she was the married one and he was single. When they were seeing each other, he considered her as a girlfriend and vice versa. It was nude to wrap my head around it. And yes, our communication is so bad when it comes to things like this. I think I meant to say that he tries to avoid talking about it instead of dealing with it. I’m also having trouble with deciding to even say something to him about this just because I know I won’t really get an answer I want.
Thank you for your response! It was super helpful, I appreciate it.
She hasn't answered her phone. It is 4am where she is at. I left messages to call me asap.
To be fair, innocently wanting to chat and approaching men in the gym when you’re a guy can get your ass kicked in some places, and approaching older women can lead to Karen type escalation. Young women are often the safest bet if you want to strike up a convo, but they’re also the same target for creepers, so don’t jump to conclusions.
If he’s making creepy comments, staring for extended periods of time, getting in your personal space, then he’s a creeper. A good test is when he positions himself close to you, move away, if he consistently follows you, that’s a creeper move. A regular person would take the hint, and steer clearly, a creeper would continue to creep until they got called out for it.
You say she has an issue with escalating small problems – could it be the other way around? That she views issues as they are, or they are important TO HER which makes them important, period, and you minimalize the issue/her feelings? Because that is love-killing behavior.
I think this may be a thing bc talking to someone with that tone IS a big deal. It just is, so you don't get to decide it's not. Your opinion does not define reality. If someone spoke to me like that multiple times, I would also re-thing the relationship, because I cannot stand it. So as you so, to some people this is a big deal. What is or isn't a big deal is not for you to decide, but you seem to think that it is – which is another bad behavior that is also, ironically, a big deal.
I don't think you're insecure because of the porn. I think you're insecure because he's actually betrayed your trust with the sexting, left nudes he asked for on sent, and those things have hurt you and made you hypervigilant in the relationship in general. I think most people would feel similarly to you in that position.
To be fair, he does have a previous post about her stealthing him. It’s pretty obvious she was trying to baby trap him. It’s just mind blowing that he couldn’t see it for himself. She definitely wasn’t trying to hide it very much.
Don’t trust her.
She’s known him for 5 years… that’s right around when he would start being fully interested in women…
I’m almost positive there was grooming involved even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she was doing.
Maybe maturing was a wrong choice of words, rather I meant that the things that caused the problems, are things that we both grew in during our time apart.
However you make a solid point
A lot of the reasons that people stay is thinking that this person will change, or will become the person they believe is hidden. However patterns of behaviour are based on processes that are automatic and should be taken as genuine in how that person is going to behave, drugs or not this is who he is.
Someone that promises stuff and doesn't follow through. Who accepts this one sided relationship because he doesn't have to put in much effort. That is the real him and that sort of behaviour doesn't change.
It is okay if you want to accept this, try to do things for yourself more and him less. Or decide that you want someone that really appreciates your effort and doesn't break promises.
But notice that this says NOTHING about her doing something wrong?? So please don't turn this around to she having done something wrong. You were in the wrong for snooping.
“She agreed but hasn't left the bedroom all day because of how sad she is that she lied.”
Leave your wife and handle your own money. Then she can just go screw herself and you won't have to worry about babying someone who won't take responsibility for her own actions.
You don't have to fix the trust that she broke.
What are you talking about? I’ve only ever heard this hysteria over 35 being some magical cut off from Americans, and typically men at that. Living in a culture that desperately wants all women barefoot and pregnant in their early 20s has seriously done a number on you.
Holy crap. Calm down. Damn.
Years ago I met an ex who had been diagnosed with cancer and he and I actually had a really profound conversation. We were both not great versions of ourselves during our time together and our conversation did console some insecurities I had about that period of my life. He reached out because he “didn’t want to die with enemies” and my husband was understanding of the situation. So I’m going to go against the grain and say that if you think closure or a conversation would help you, to consider going through with meeting your ex. Sometimes people change and want to make amends in person.
However I would set clear boundaries beforehand. If you’re going to meet, I would be fully transparent with your husband. Meet at a public location for a set amount of time (maybe 1 hour). And keep the conversation civil and on subject. If you get uncomfortable at any point you should leave.
Don’t think he’s the one sis. Sorry
It’s not about needing, it’s about having a partner that supports you and has your back. You shouldn’t have to be completely independent when you are dating because that’s what a PARTNER is
It sounds like you had no choice. The truth is the truth. You’ve been a wonderful mother to her. She’ll cool off and come around. Your husband is wrong.
I think you need an arguement as to why this is a bad idea which it probably is.
Unless your husband had such a low sperm count that he's considered sterile then there is no reason to jump straight into IVF.
With a “low” sperm count and no issues on your side your chances of concieving naturally are probably almost the same as if you did IVF (25-30% . first go ) For the next couple of years at least. So you should try naturally whilst you ARE still fertile .
Having IVF now and it failing, getting into debt then having nothing to hope for long term seems worse for everyones mental health imo.
Your ability to carry a child won't diminish in the next two years only your fertility will. Therefore you are probably not lessening your chances of IVF sucess by waiting two years ,but you will decrease the chances of having a child naturally after wasting two years having stressfull ivf intervention.
1 in 6 men have a low sperm count doesn't mean 1 in 6 needed medical intervention to have a child.
So I was born in 86, my biological mother put me up for adoption and at 9 days old I went home with my new family. Had my biological mother not been “life in danger” I wouldn’t be here
This man is a hobosexual. Only wants to be in a relationship for the roof over his head and food on his plate. Kick him out.
I saw your other post too where many people advised you that you should let her go and you didn’t listen.
He's not pro choice, and it's worth having a very long think about whether this is what you want in a partner, someone who doesn't believe you should have bodily autonomy.
You should not be sleeping with this man.
If/when you notice, test her. Start veering off topic into the ridiculous and wait to see how long she notices. Do not change tone or volume, just power on like it's the same conversation. If it takes too long… just finish it off by dropping something vague and explosive like “who wouldn't stare at that ass, am I right?” Keep your eyes on her the entire time and THEN call her on it with an “Oh, you heard that part, did you?”
“…. …. So that was the first time I noticed that when I go outside, the neighbor's cat sort of waves to me. It's only when I'm wearing a blue shirt for some reason… Maybe it has a favorite color. I thought they were colorblind, but that could be dogs, I dunno now. Who wouldn't stare at that ass, am I right??”
You should probably speak to a professional to help you navigate getting past things that happened in your last relationship.
So you're leaving her bc she's insecure. You could help her be more secure. But you don't want to. Maybe you care more about her appearance than you think, just in different ways than she does. Also in old pics she probably looked great bc she was younger. Age has an effect. Clearly the work is well done or you wouldn't have been attracted to her to begin with.
Also if the child is old enough to understand tell the child the truth, without emotions, without crying with your head high you have to tell the truth. Because the liars are always going to try to manipulate you through your children, they will try to use them to hurt you!!! You start by saying that “whatever happens between adults it has nothing to do with you, we love you but your father went with another woman and that is something that breaks marriages apart because of the hurt. If ever your father tries to say something bad to you about mommy just tell him that whatever he wants to discuss he has to discuss it with mommy and that you don't want to be in the middle of anything. If he gets mad you can call mommy and mommy will come and get you.” Don't let cheaters manipulate your children people always speak the truth!!!!
Yeah, you can’t. This is EXACTLY what he was trying to avoid. Next time, LISTEN when someone tells you they don’t want to do something
She will never be able to have bio kids. That's a big problem keeping that from someone. She lied and then tried to manipulate him. That's another big problem
I'm paranoid, and a nerd, so I totally support his privacy concerns lol. Also you totally seem like you'd snoop considering your reaction to this.
Check the laws in your Country/State on common law marriage. In some areas, if a couple online together, share expenses, etc. For over three years they are considered married under common law. If so, she is allowed to ask for spousal support.
I dated women like this… it DEFINITELY gets worse.
Loving how you’ve made your lack of care and attention towards him his doing! And then, after he asked for a break and you made it a break up, you’re ruminating over him joining tinder and asking if YOU’RE naive?!?
Don’t take him back, leave the poor guy alone!
She's close immature and was playing with you.
I honestly doubt it.
I don't care about the age difference, that is your business. So that aside let's just face the issues.
He is a father, and as a father I can tell you that if you make him choose between you or his kid, the kid will win. This came with knowing he was a father when you got together.
However, you don't want to birth kids. Make that known, “more” is not something to hope for if he is going to be with you. If you are going to work together, you have to find a way to respect each other's convictions.
Welcome to r_a, where people limit context in their posts to what makes them feel validated. If your girlfriend is upset enough to argue about this the way she did, this isn't the first time this argument has come up.
You should have a talk with your boyfriend saying, while it’s his body and he can do whatever he wants, you do not personally want your name tattoo’d on him because that does ass a lot of pressure to a relationship once that happens.
You guys are 20 and 18, you have so much to figure out in life, and name tattoos in general are really tacky.
Nothing happened. June just doesn't like sex. She doesn't enjoy it or need it. They had a perfect relationship otherwise so she was willing to allow him to have sex elsewhere, as long as he didn't actually develop any relationship.
I just honestly never really had any desire to settle down. While I've been attracted to guys, it's never been love or anything more than sex. This is the first time I've actually cared. Normally I just move on fine when I have to break up with a friends with benefits.
Hmm… I’m sorry you have discovered this. I think this would bother me too, honestly. Like a lot.
Might be smart to discuss this…
I'd have vomited with you, not because of sympathy, but because I hate the smell/sound/everything of vomit. Is that what you want? Someone to puke with you? Do you have like 2 toilets next to each other for a co-op vomiting session?
Wait wait wait… so he wanted the kind of open relationship that was only open on his end? He wasn’t ok with you being with other men? Is that what you’re saying? If so, I would RUN.
well now you know and you can move on
You are not wrong here. You have to have trust in your partner to have a healthy relationship.
She has some real issues. She wants to have a jealous, insecure, controlling guy. That's not how a real man acts.
Tell her that you are not that petson and that you will never be. If she leaves you for it. She nuts. And you just dodged the crazy bullet.
TIL honest and direct communication is being a dick.
I actually thought they wrote that pretty nicely. What exactly about their response makes them “such a dick?”
How long have you been together, and how old is your daughter?
This! No amount of petty retaliation will motivate him to make meaningful change. It only serves to increase hostility between the two of you.
Get counseling to figure out why you are so codependent and willing to accept bad behavior from your partner that goes against your core principles. This is the problem that needs to be solved.
No one on reddit can give you “silver bullet” advice that will change your BFs behavior. You can only change your own amd how you allow others to treat you.
Sit him down and tell him that it is important to you that he help you make this moment special and his lack of interest is making you wonder if he values you or the relationship.
I apologize, I thought you were the OP
You do not have to get your SO to “agree” to let you breakup. That's simply not how these relationships work. You just tell him once that you hereby declare the relationship over, which means it is over as of that second. Whether he chooses to accept or believe it or not – that his problem to deal with, not yours. That being said, this guy sounds very unhinged. It is imperative you breakup with him electronically or by phone – definitely not in person. You have to keep yourself safe above all else. And whatever you do, do NOT give him any hints as to your house location. Once you break up with him, block him everywhere. If you continues to try to make contact via other accounts, or prying info from your friends, you will need to let your parents know what's going on for all of your safety, since you online at their house. If he's really persistent, you will need to make this a police matter. Best of luck, and be safe!
Please have self respect and let him turn you into his sex tool
^ You're being used
Don’t engage in the blamestorm. Just tell her your mental wellbeing is important to you and due to this you will not be attending. Tell her you will host another bridal event to celebrate her and her intended. When asked to put the past behind you tell her you cannot accommodate this for your own mental health. No is the answer.
Okay, so this is a big thing going on for you and your feeling are understandable. That said this is one of those times where just because your emotions are valid, doesn't mean that you should let them make decisions for you.
The context you provided is very much about what you are providing, but I assume you didn't come to be providing all of that because she forced you to, so it's not super relevant here.
We come from a society that has traditionally had a lot to say about who takes whose name, and of course that will play a lot of games with your head. But have you put any real thought into why it's like that and why you feel the need to follow it? If it's really important to all have the same name have you considered talking to her about taking her name? If that feels off to you, why? Roll that one around a lot.
Ultimately, if you make it a deal breaker for you, that is your right, but it's important to remember that the people who lose the most by that choice are your kids.
Would I like it? No. Would I burn down my relationship because of it? No. Perspectives can change over time. My friend gave her daughter her surname and also kept hers when they married. Cut to 7 years later she changed both.
*You
I’m 23 and probably have a better career, home-life and stability than a lot of 35 year olds. I could easily date at 35 year old. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean there’s a power imbalance grow up.
I don't believe compatibility comes strictly down to pets or no pets.
I guess my first question is, was this baby planned? Because his hands-off attitude is NOT going to fly if you two planned having this child!
What kind of sick family do you have that they would immediately side with a stranger?
The next time he threatens to throw her out, get up, collect your things and move out with your cat and block the loser.
He's not the one for you. He's just a school boy out to score some points with friends.
I hope you use this as a learning opportunity.
I understand that you're a nice guy that wants to be a reliable & helpful friend, but you really need to prioritize your family. That is part of what being a good father is about.
If you keep up this behavior – you will have friends that'll only call you when they need something, and nobody to come home to. Not an ideal predicament.
Your ex boyfriend*
because words mean nothing. absolutely nothing. actions will always tell you the whole picture.
Then why lie about it !? What was he hiding?? He is the one to blame not your DIL.
If you’re in the states you could’ve just shot her right? Well now I guess you just have to settle for dumping her crazy ass.
This is not a hill that’s worth dying on. If she says something similar again, just nod your head and agree and say how wonderful she is. Your brain will still own the truth, but you will reap the rewards for being supportive even though you know it’s untrue.
Almost all racist people think they are not racist.
We have resolved conflict. It is just difficult because he’s very poor at communicating. Last conflict we resolved was actually Reddit solved tbh. I posted on AITA and we took so many of the comments into consideration together. But this isn’t like a workload based thing. This is just me wanting to feel secure again. I want to feel wanted again and like I’m not just irritating him. I want him to be happy to see me again. I feel like we’ve recently lost some of that
Honestly, it sounds deliberate.
Send a simple “I heard about what you're going through, and I wanted to say we're thinking of you. Do you want a home cooked dinner, or is there anything you need that we can help with?” Its not a complicated offer, but it lets them know your brother's side of the family is there if they need it. If you do attend the funeral, don't stress too much. It's likely your SIL will be pretty busy with other people, so stop by briefly, ask how she's doing, then go mingle. If anyone asks how you knew the deceased, just tell them, “we weren't close, but Im here to support my brother and his wife”
Yeah but what was your reaction afterwards? That's the important distinction.
“Does she love me?”
How would you even know? She's at your place because she has nowhere else to go.
Party boy ?
Send it to her family.
Understood. I haven’t reached out thus far. She did message me angrily because I didn’t have time to cancel a gym membership before I was scrambling to get a flight back to my home country, and she was extremely mean and hurtful in that exchange, so it seems she’s just decided I’m a horrible person and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
I guess I’m also struggling with like.. Did I do anything wrong? Part of me just wants to go back and let her go through my phone, but everything happened so quickly I didn’t have time to foresee that she’d get so angry about this. I regret sticking to my “principles” now and just wish I had let her check my phone for her own sanity I guess. I’m not really sure how to process my emotions right now or what I’m supposed to feel or take away from this.
Kinda sounds like you two are growing apart and he's noticed it.
I usually just sat at home and texted him about how much I missed him. He even used to say it was a turn off.
This is the only thing you said that he said that was fair. If you're seeing eachother everyday, texting that you're missing him on his one night out is probably a bit much.
But like… yeah. I'd sit down and have a long talk about whether he can handle who you want to be, because it sounds like you're making a lot of positive changes for yourself.
Tell your family she's not quality. A physician's wife has to be just as smart, a home manager and a lovely hostess. At this point, shes not even a candidate for the interview. Tell them she has to get a degree amongst other demands. She'll totally drag you down.
Personally, quit school, get a job at a hospital and do it the nude way. There's many ways to provide care w/o being an actual physician.
I can and will! Thank you so much