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Aurora Peach, 19 y.o.
Location: hell
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Date: November 26, 2022
You have every right to be upset. And he has every right to say what he said.
You’re better off that he realized it before moving rather than after.
Maybe she wanted to explore etc and struck out then leaned back on you. Or she did and found she loves you.
I told him no, he needs to talk to my sisters. He won't. When I push it that they need to really talk to them about this in a big way they seem afraid to, and I get why, my sisters can be very spiteful and mean people sometimes and they don't want to incur that on themselves.
You see this a lot in dysfunctional families and dysfunctional friend groups. I call it The Burden of Being Reasonable. Most people, like your parents, just want the status quo. They’re a little lazy and a little selfish and the current situation is comfortable for them. Meanwhile let’s say the family or friend group has a crazy asshole or two in it that have wronged a more reasonable member of the group. Crazy assholes never acknowledge they’re in the wrong or adjust their behavior, and trying to get them to do either just gets them angry at the person asking. So your lazy and selfish friends/family think the easiest path back to the status quo is convincing the victim, who has always been reasonable, to suck it up and tolerate the insult/injury/whatever.
Basically up until now you have always backed down when your sisters were in the wrong, because that’s what everyone else pressured you to do. Because they couldn’t pressure your sisters, they’re assholes. Assholes are uncooperative. Reasonable people are flexible. So basically you keep getting punished for being the normal one, told to swallow your hurt feelings to keep the peace.
The problem with this approach to maintaining the peace, aside from it being incredibly unfair, is that it’s unsustainable. Eventually even the most reasonable doormat will snap, and at that point the family/friend group will have no idea how to keep the peace because their only plan has always been “pressure the reasonable one to suck it up.” Now that you’ve had enough the status quo is going to change, and that bothers the rest of your family, but still not enough for them to be willing to confront the assholes. So instead they’re going to double down on pressuring you. I’d recommend telling them you’re done with your sisters and anyone who keeps pushing you to change your mind is next on the no contact list.
It sounds like your friend is burned out being your shoulder to cry on when the absolute AH you're dating hurts you. Sucks but it happens. If you want to stay in a toxic relationship then you will lose a lot of friends and even family relationships. People can only watch you for so long before they can't take it anymore. It's not right of your friend to be spreading your personal information around either, to be clear. Like I say, sounds like he snapped from the burn out. I went through it with a lot of friends over the years when I was in toxic and abusive relationships. You need to weigh up ALL of your friendships and familial relationships vs this one man who has hurt you and choose which is truly more important. With hindsight, I know which choice I wish I'd made.
But they would have never done it if she didn’t agree! ?
Yeah, op you agreed.. but what the hell did either of them expect? If you said no, they would have snuck around your back or been resentful towards you. You said yes, and they are still resentful.
I guess she felt guilty. But in reality, all relationships are based around timing. Two people who were interested in each other at the right time to date, and at a time when both of them were ready to be serious. If you try and hindsight happenstance, you'll only make yourself miserable for no reason.
If whatshisface had told her yes, the timing would have been bad and you would have eventually asked out another woman. Then she could come to this sub and worry that she wasn't your “first choice”.
Or marriage
He would use this humour with his family like his siblings and nephews which was normal between them but he had never used it with me. I’ve never used that type of humour ever with him either so I don’t get why he thinks i should be OK with it.