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Date: October 10, 2022
AmateurPub
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Makes sense. Thanks for your help.
If you had healthy boundaries, you wouldn’t even entertain any of this. You’re codependent. You have a sense of “I’m all they have”. And it may be true that you’re their only friend but that’s not your problem. And if you don’t like it as you say, you’d just stop if you weren’t getting something out of it consciously or otherwise.
Pretty classic Codependence.
There’s a book called “Facing Codependence” by Pia Melody that you may want to take a look at.
In this specific situation, the healthy move would be to stop being friends with these people.
Yeah the time period is what really throws me “ best years” we just her mid 30 when this type of thing occurs normally anyway and the struggle part was only 3 years and he still did a lot.
I grew one for a stag weekend last year and my wife hated it, despite me thinking it looked pretty cool. I got rid of it pretty soon afterwards when she asked me to (although, to be honest, it wasn't just her I was getting comments from).
However it's morphed into a kind of running joke that whenever we have to get into fancy dress for any reason (Halloween, themed parties or whatever) I will always pick a specific sort of outfit (70s American Detective, WW1 fighter pilot, countryside vicar) and then surprise her by coming out of the bathroom with a moustache just before we leave for the event. I'll generally keep it for a couple days afterwards then shave it before work.
That's what I was thinking.
Go with your gut feeling on this one. She hides things and lies to you as she's afraid you'll be jealous…well, I think that is because she's KNOWS what she's doing will cause problems. Can't lie and hide things and expect someone to trust you.
You may really like her, but if she's not willing to put in the effort and establish trust, then she's showing you that you should not put in any effort with her and find someone else that does want to.
She is a better man than you are, and she ain't even a male.
I don't think spending time with other people's kids will necessarily be helpful. I like my kids waaaaaaay more than anyone else's and I only would enjoy spending time with mine. Especially when they were little.
They are a lot of time and they are a lot of energy and people are naturally nervous about lifestyle changes, especially as you get older. But all this advice is just anecdotal evidence and what was a good or bad experience for someone else is truly totally irrelevant to your situation.
It's time for her to move on. Perhaps you're seeing why the situation she was in was so “bad” – people were sick of her leeching. If she has mental health issues that are so severe that she can't support herself, it's her responsibility to do something about that. None of this is your responsibility. You tried your best, but this just isn't working.