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Date: October 7, 2022
AmateurPub
All those things sound like completely different issues than the one in your post. It seems like you might've latched onto this friend non-issue as a bit of a misdirect from the actual issues in your marriage.
He is already out of this marriage in his head so you have nothing to save. He’s already checked out. You might dig a bit and see if there is someone else. You can fight, but you will be fighting alone and that never works. Get an attorney and do what is best for YOU.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I (31/F) met my wife (33/F, transitioned 7yo) 5 years ago. We've been married for 2 years and have a 4 month old boy. Our son is biologically ours – (using my wife's frozen sperm). He's our only kid and everything else is going great for all three of us. I have recently started working again (reduced hours) and she is planning to stay home for another 1-2 months.
Our son has been exclusively breastfed (by me) since I gave birth. Since two weeks after he was born, my wife started complaining that watching me breastfeed was making her dysphoric as she could not do the same. I tried to be understanding as this must have been difficult, but I admittedly didn't really change my behaviour – my wife didn't ask me to stop breastfeeding/pumping in front of her and I don't think that would have been a reasonable request.
She's brought it up many times since and tbh I've started feeling frustrated as I feel there's an implication that I should feel bad for being able to breastfeed. However, she's never said this outright, so I don't know if that's a fair detail to include. Every time she brings it up, I try to be sympathetic, but as she acknowledged that there's nothing we can do, we continued what we were doing.
Fast forward to yesterday, I came home and saw my wife breastfeeding our son. She has had both top+bottom surgery, but does not produce milk (I learned today from an article she sent that some trans women can produce milk, but she does not). I admit my initial reaction was of shock, which I regret. I asked what she was doing, and she said that she was breastfeeding our son. We had a long conversation and she asked me directly if I was uncomfortable with her doing this and I admitted that I was. She asked why and I said that I didn't know. She yelled at me quite a bit (after putting our son in his crib upstairs) about how she would never have expected me to say something so transphobic and that (exact quote) “it's messed up that [I] chose to wait until after we were married and have a kid to show [my] true self.” I thought that this was needlessly hurtful and I cried quite a lot after she said this. We agreed to pause the convo and we had a more relaxed discussion this morning.
The conversation was not particularly productive. She asked why I was uncomfortable and I said that I didn't know, but that it felt like it was not fair to our son to have him expect to be breastfed, but not actually receive any milk. She said that pacifiers do the same thing, but I'm not uncomfortable with those and tbh I think that's a good point. She said that there was no reason for me to be uncomfortable with this other than transphobia as it implied that I didn't think her dysphoria was sufficient justification to breastfeed. Honestly, I'm not sure where to go from here. I still am very uncomfortable with it, but as I mentioned, I don't know why. How should I handle this? Please help!
tl:dr: I am feeling uncomfortable with my wife breastfeeding our son, but I don't know why
You should also maybe cross post to legal advice cause this could get messy if she continues to withhold the child during visitation. From what I understand getting off a birth certificate is hot even if you’re not the father unless the bio father is known and available and willing, so you still have rights as the father listed on the birth certificate
Same! So many posts like this just spike my anxiety.
First, I want OP to know something very important: It's okay to not be okay.
I also want to applaud the empathy I've seen in the other comments.
You chose to open up to strangers about some very vulnerable feelings. As men, we're often told to just keep it to ourselves for the benefit of others, but all it does is make it easier to dehumanize us into emotionally stunted stereotypes.
Choosing to respect your SO and her decision is the right call, especially if the doctors are confirming how dabgerous it would be. The best thing you can do is continue being supportive.
After the procedure, though, have a serious talk with her about where your emotions are and have been. Don't hide pain from your partner. She loves you, and you love her, so once everything has settled down, take time to communicate and heal together. Seeing a counselor as a couple and individually is also a really good idea.
Lastly, i wish you both the best and the brightest of futures. You seem like 2 good people who deserve each other. I hope that when you're both in a good place to do so, you have the chance to build a beautiful family together.
If you are pregnant you need to get away from that scene for the sake of your kid. Do you want your toddler getting into that shit accidentally.
Stay quiet, don't say anything else to him or give him any clues you're leaving him and secretly plan your way out. It's important that he doesn't know. Get evidence, move, set up security cameras, get a defense tool for yourself- pepper spray or a GUN and then notify the police.
Do not tell ANYONE the wedding is called off until you are safe. If you're moving in with someone they cannot tell a soul. People like to run their mouth and could get you killed.
This is a deal breaker. Especially considering he said it 3 different times within a week.
2 things here. My Ex wife was a lot of things including s cheater and made me walk on egg shells. She also loved to blame me for everything. Keep an eye on things as your GF could be gas lighting you. I can't say for sure though, your GF, you should be able to tell.
On another side of the coin, try putting in place panic/settlement words. You should establish rules that if an argument breaks out one of you can simple say said word sternly and you both walk away for say about 15 or 20 minutes to cool off and let calmer heads prevale. If she can't agree to something as simple as that, you've got issues.
Your guess is as good as mine. You'll find out. Go no contact with him and use the time to work on yourself.