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1. She might be a person with low self-esteem and a defensive mindset who has problems with impulse control, who huddles into her shell when confronted with a difficult discussion.

   Or she could be a manipulator who chooses to escalate the issue from a specific problem into a broader context.

   Without seeing the two of you together, it is impossible to say which it is. But given that the two of you have apparently *never* been able to resolve any such discussions, I am inclined to believe that this is the latter, and she has found a tool for deflecting blame and neutralizing a discussion about negative behaviours on her part.

   In that kind of scenario, the only way that I have found that works to address the issue is to be persistent, without getting angry. An hour or a day after the original discussion, calmly start off with a “so we never actually got to the point of resolving that discussion we had earlier/yesterday”, and continually repeating the same tactic of returning to the discussion after she has reused her tactic of trying to deflect.

   Another option, again keeping the calm approach, is to ask her why she insists on always deflecting the discussion and adopting a pose of martyrdom (or self-victimization, which also occurs quite often in these cases).

   Ultimately though, whatever the cause of her behaviour,. the more you push and probe, and the more you show you are not willing to let it drop, the more likely it is that she will turn it around onto you (“you are constantly harrassing me”, or “I do not like feeling attacked in my own relationship”) and start pulling away from you emotionally. Basically, the fact that she is so evasive means that chasing this has a decent chance of breaking the relationship.

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2. You mean agree to disagree?

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