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VetaLeto, 19 y.o.
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Date: November 5, 2022
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I know of another couple with a similar age gap (late 30s/early 50s), who got married even though they knew that they weren't on the same page with children.
The older one had 2 daughters from a previous marriage, who were in their late teens at the beginning of the relationship. Their stance was “I'm done, I did the whole newborn thing. I did the 4am wakeup on weekends for sport. The picking up at 2am when they got drunk at their mates place. Been there, done that, don't want to do it all over again. I am TIRED”.
The younger one wanted children. They wanted all of those things.
They got married about 5 years ago and officially separated last month. A major factor was the building resentment over the children issue.
i'd 100% be upset as well if my wife was this naive, lol.
It sounds like you're not compatible. You can't win him back and you can't convince him that this isn't a lot.
Like anything that could be a dealbreaker for a number of people, it's good to make sure that potential partners know about this at an early stage, so that you don't waste time getting attached to someone who is ultimately not right for you.
Okay. As a woman who had a child 18 months ago, in a very traumatic process that has left me with severe life long issues, and went through the hormones and “hisband-hate” post birth…none of what you're explaining of his behaviour is normal, and I would be contemplating divorce too.
Fighting more is normal. Being upset about changed expectations of what your family will look like is normal. Yelling at eachother over stupid shit and resenting what you view the other is/isn't doing is normal. Figuring out how fucking hot it is to be a parent and losing sight of your relationship is normal. But so is falling significantly more in love with your partner in a tiny window of time because “holy fuck, look at this tiny life we made together”. So is talking through the fights and trying to find solutions when you're a bit less tired and the baby is asleep. So is crying together over how fucking hard it is to be parents, and mourning the loss of how easy it was before baby was born. Coming together as a couple in ways you can't properly see, is as normal as the pulling away from eachother.
But the fact that this behaviour is post-birth from him, the fact that he isn't putting in effort, the fact that he is berating you and flipping out at you and is deeply unsympathetic to the trauma you experienced….none of that is normal post birth hormonal crap/life changes.
Your partner is an asshole. And considering he was one, prior to your son's birth, I can't imagine that he's going to not be one once he settles into being a parent. And I would be considering divorce too.
So, from someone who has been (physically) in your shoes fairly recently, I want to validate that while your feelings may be heightened by hormones, what you are having is far from a hormonal reaction. I want to say that you are not crazy for your response here, and what you are feeling. Your partner is being an asshole.
I recommend urgent couples counseling, if you two still want to work on this. I can't see how you can possibly work through him being such a jerk, otherwise.