Okay, so you need some type of joint or shared child custody arrangement and there will be handovers involved. But there is no reason or need for you to talk to your ex outside of the child care/custody issues. He wants to bring up other stuff? Shut him down! Tell him cheaters don't get to complain or judge, and walk away. You don't owe him any explanation or accounting for your actions.
Ok first, where Are you from. And where is he from?
You left your country, for him. But what is the culture differences. I’ve dated so many from so many different countries, I promise you now, what your experiencing is culture shock. And is something that is really really really hard to work out. But it can be done.
As far as the intimacy, sometimes arguments get in the way, it’s so hard sometimes because your angry. If nothing else quit the argument, maybe till the next day.
Nothing wrong with going to your partner and saying “I don’t want to talk about our fight again until tomorrow, right now I just want to be intimate, but we still have to continue this argument.”
I think you have an insecure attachment you should look into. Being so strongly affected by someone’s behavior is s big sign of codependency. You might not care right now because all you want is the fix you get from being with him, but I’m gonna tell you that if you’re not able to fix these issues you’re going to get yourself into bad relationships continuously.
I think you did the right thing of breaking things off and going on break. It gave you both the time to reevaluate things. I strongly suggest not reaching out anytime soon as you’re not fully letting him have space, and if you were to reach out it’s a disrespect to him, and you mostly.. I hope the best for you but you need to prepare yourself for being rejected.
She’s dying. You can’t stop it. If she keeps going the way she is she’ll be dead within the year. The only choice you have is if you want to watch her slowly kill herself in your shared home or evict her. She’s beyond your help. Evicting her isn’t you handing her the death sentence that you seem to think it is. She’s already done that to herself.
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You can if you brow beat and belittle a woman for her own choice in not wanting to get pregnant, then having to choose an ABORTION because SHE DIDNT want the baby only to be ridiculed by this shitforbrains because “it's his baby too.”
She doesn’t respect your boundaries. She doesn’t care that she embarrasses you when she makes raunchy comments about your sex life in front of others. She does not respect your privacy, feelings and boundaries. To claim that having a boundary about sharing details about your sex life in group settings without your consent is not accepting her. The red flags on how she handles your feelings and boundaries is alarming. She’s not mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. This is not about accepting you as you are, this is about her disrespecting your boundaries around your peers/friends/family. Consider this a dodged bullet.
Say no. It's then up to him whether or not this is a deal breaker for him.
OP, it's OK to break up over something like this. It's OK to say no and expect your partner to see that as a complete and total sentence.
Do not do something just to keep a partner. This never works, as this will just split the two of you apart. At best the two of you will grow to resent each other, as it will be obvious that this isn't a good situation. At worst this is a scenario where he is manipulating and pressuring you into something you don't want.
Sexual compatibility is important, but keep in mind that being adventurous isn't the same as compatibility. It's entirely reasonable to expect that he will be happy with you and you along. You don't “owe” him sex that you aren't comfortable with.
You need to stop. Either someone is fucking with your relationship and lying to him, or you betrayed him in some way, or (and this feels most likely based on his total silence) he is fucking with your head because he read some stupid negging-type advice about playing hard to get makes the woman hotter for you. In any of the three events, just stop. Youve reached out, you made it clear you want to talk, that’s enough.
Send him one more message saying you will assume the relationship is over if you don’t hear from him in the next few days. Then wait two weeks.
If he never contacts you, you know it’s over. Maybe you’ll never know why. But he’s acting like a crazy person right now so maybe you’re well rid of him.
I think this may be the approach needed – combined with what others said about not making it all about sex (at least at first) so that it doesn’t seem like it’s all I care about.
It was happening together and overlapping. Like I had stayed with him in another city for a few days and we were hanging out but he was a bit funny towards me in his behavior (like when we went out to dinner, he wasn't okay with me sitting next to him????) – so I decided to be away from him a little till he could behave normally with me and then he bitched about me to a friend saying “yeah she doesn't like it if I hit on her friends” And I was like??? And then he hit on that same friend and then soon after my other friend said end things the way it's going but she ended up giving me friction about him when we hung out
I think so, part of it was my fault, we were in a toxic relationship. But, if your guy is stating he doesn't see a future, I would encourage you to ask if that's something worth it to you to pursue. “Don't fit a square peg into a round hole” is an appropriate adage that comes to mind. You shouldn't have to hope someone will fall back in love with you, what your ex said to you took courage and guts by saying that to you and being honest, you should thank him for stepping up to the plate and doing what's right and not what's easy. If he overcame that fear and was courageous enough to give you hard news knowing it'll crush you but still telling you because it's important, he probably thought about it for a while before telling you, that would tell me he is fairly certain it's how he genuinely feels. Do with that information what you will.
Hi, OP. Sorry to read about your difficulties. I'm a dad and I also coach and mentor middle and high school students (USA). I experienced a little of what you wrote with my own son, who is now 24.
Parenting is difficult and no parent is perfect. I'd even dare to say that most teenagers view their parents as being worse than their friends' parents. Running your own business is also difficult, so your parents are hit with a double whammy.
My son and I are very different in many ways. This means our respective approaches to problem solving is usually different as well. I believe a parent's most important role is to prepare our kids to live! productive independent lives — to prepare them for a successful launch into adulthood.
My son frustrated me throughout his teen years in many ways. Most of my frustration honestly came down to the simple fact that my son wasn't me. He was not a morning person like his dad. He didn't think like me. He didn't prioritize things in his life the way I believed he should. He didn't plan for his future the way I believed he should. He didn't appreciate the things I thought he should and spent too much time concentrating on things I viewed as unimportant. Like I said, he wasn't me. But at the same time, I wasn't him.
If you want things to improve with your mom, you need to be at least 50% of that solution. In other words, it's not your mom's responsibility to do everything and be everything you want just because you think that's what she should do. Your mom is not you. She doesn't think like you and she doesn't approach problem solving like you.
I don't like her saying things like you have a Peter Pan complex. Nothing good can come from throwing something like that at your daughter. BUT, I'm confident she said that out of frustration and exasperation as a parent rather than with the intention of hurting you. I also suspect the main source of her frustration is that you're now 18 and she's concerned about your “successful launch” and probably even blames herself for you not being ready to begin the process of leaving the nest. Most parents are worried about their 18 year old kids in this regard.
I often tell young people that if you want a friend you must first be a friend. People aren't likely to befriend you unless you're first friendly toward them. The same principal applies to your relationship with your mom. If you want her to cut you some slack, you must first cut her some slack. She's under a lot pf pressure running a business while being a mom and a wife. If you want your mom to be more open, have rational discussions with you, and get rid of the drama in your relationship, then you must first be more open, have rational discussions, and dispense all drama with her.
Teen years are hard, and being a parent of teens is very hot. You'll both get through this season in your lives and just like we all did, including my son, you'll look back one day and see that although your parents were far from perfect, they did the best they knew how and were not nearly as bad as you thought. And they will see the exact same in you when you launch successfully into adulthood.
I gotta be honest, as a neutral 3rd party if this started happening to me out of now where – that would drive me insane and feel patronizing after awhile.
So you want to retain the right to be bigoted against others?? As a society we basically reject racism and bigotry and homophobia. So yes if you are anyone of those things then you don’t have a view that deserves respect. Get in the corner and out of society if you want to be an open homophobe or transphobe. Your view is bigotry isn’t protected nor does it ever need to be respected. Personally I’m fine publicly shaming bigoted people so those things are never deemed acceptable in our society.
As soon as I got old enough that I started expressing my own opinions and they didn’t align with his is when I started getting screamed at and called stupid and ignorant. I don’t think I was even a teen yet. It blew my mind when I met my husband’s father and he was actually involved and loving and encouraged discussion.
The vast majority of people just can't do any kind of poly or open relationships. It's not selfish to want to be monogamous.
If it was entirely your choice, you'd be this girl's only partner wouldn't you?
I think you've given yourself a lot of time to consider and I think if she can be mono for you then go for it. If she can't then I don't think this setup is a good idea. Being poly isn't an 'orientation' or need either, it's purely a lifestyle choice which people can choose not to engage in.
Every poly/open relationship I've encountered IRL has been one person seeing loads of people while the other one stays at home trying to convince themselves they're fine with it. You deserve better than that.
Ugh, what a tough spot. Its challenging to get into software development without the credentials, and you have an opportunity for it. I went to school for Computer Engineering myself and I love my job. Its a great field to be in.
The challenging part about this… is that you're not set up in a career. This is great open door for you. It would be different if you had the schooling that would give your more options close to home, however these opportunities are incredibly rare… especially in tech.
You want a career that can sustain a future. If you want a future with your BF, its good to have a career for yourself… this is your opportunity.
Lets say, in a years time. You declined this chance for the sake of being with your BF. Would you regret not perusing this opportunity. And worst case scenario, your reletionship becomes rocky. Now you're seriously regretting yourself.
Personally, I would say take the leap of faith and let the pieces fall where they may. This decision should be made about you first, then your reletionship second. And if your reletionship is amazing as it sounds, you two will find ways to make it work.
By messaging someone a song? I am sure it was curiosity. This isn’t cheating. This dude has serious issues, it’s not the girl. She was honest about her apps. He was being deceptive.
You’re both so young and it shows in the behavior displayed in the relationship. Firat, no, at this point she wouldn’t be a great mother because she is very selfish. She would smother them and be a helicopter parent and all that does is push children away. She doesn’t know how to be happy on her own. There are plenty of women in the world that will cook and clean and be your maid but if you want a partner to build a life with you need someone with more good attributes, that you also have. Someone that understands that you also have needs apart from those basic things because they do too. You stopped doing things that made you happy because she was smothering you and being very selfish with your time… that’s not healthy. Me and my husband have an amazing relationship where he takes care of my needs and I take care of his needs. I make sure that he has time to do the things that he needs to do like play video games and hang out with his friends and I encourage that, and he does the same for me. Having a relationship like this means being very open in conversation and not emotionally manipulating each other. Sometimes when he leaves yeah I do miss him and maybe sometimes it’s to the point where I cry about it for whatever emotional reason but I don’t use that against him or use that to keep him from leaving the house or doing something that he enjoys, because that’s not fair to him, and all that’s gonna create is resentment.
You wrote this post like you’re a victim but you’re not. You were the first time when you found out your bf was a piece of shit. Now you’re just stupid.
Exactly, lack of communication caused these issues. Hanging out and hooking up is not a relationship, it’s a convenience until you change the definition of the relationship together. Not in your own head OP, she’s not Jean Grey.
She says she goes to the store usually comes home with shit. Oftentimes too much shit. Sometimes she says she goes to meet her mom. We only have one car so it's not like I can follow her.
Definitely inappropriate talk. Most people with cancer are going to struggle financially. It's really inappropriate any time though. It sounds like she was trying to brag and flaunt the money without making it seem like she was actually trying to do that.
I guess your wife thinks your relationship is in danger.
Might want to focus on that rather than what's going on with the baby sitter first.
I say deal with that first because how you deal with the babysitter might change based on that. I know you feel compelled to make it right with the babysitter. But it is highly likely that you both are not seeing things clearly.
I also recommend that you find a dispassionate third party like a counselor to go over this situation because there be dragons here.
Just keep what you can as far as past communications about her and with her go, just in case you need some kind of evidence. I suggest cutting all contact with everyone involved with her, including her mom, and going to therapy. A relationship like that leaves damage.
By default, this shouldn't be an issue, people can have strictly platonic friendships with people of the other gender. However, if you got a gut feeling, then something is probably not quite right with their “friendship”.
Apparently the girl found out I would’ve been uncomfortable with her staying over, and told him I was trying to control him, steal him away from his friends and that he needed to communicate his real feelings to me.
someone I don’t know very well said all those things about me to him, and it also felt as though he somewhat agrees with her and says maybe he’s just been blind to it since he’s in the relationship and not an outsider looking in(?)
I'm assuming her staying the night at his place is the only major thing you've expressed too your bf as making you uncomfortable? Also assuming you didn't lay this down as a boundary rather just expressed too him your feelings about this girl. IF SO, then you're not being controlling, you're trying to have healthy conversation with your bf about this friendship and how it makes you feel.
Her comment too him is honestly outrageous, I'd be very upset if one of my partner's friends said that too them when I've only expressed how their friendship makes me uncomfortable. And his way of talking too you about it is even worse, hopefully he's just being blind/an idiot.
Confront your bf, reinforce how his closeness with this friend makes you uncomfortable, the fact that they spend way more 1 on 1 time together now that she's single, the fact that you've not barred him from spending time with her only tried to express how this friendship makes you feel, and how her comment against you and him supporting her over you is disrespectful. Hopefully, he comes around and apologies, otherwise, you may want to rethink your relationship with him.
Parting thought. Either he's “emotionally cheating” and ranting way to much too this girl about your relationship, or she's a homewrecker trying to turn your bf against you, maybe both. Otherwise her comment to him over this is EXTREME.
Because it’s so freaking easy to know what you should do from the outside. But then to live! it is another. Everyone thinks they would leave until it happens to them. Everyone.
Yeah, you just aren't sexually compatible anymore. And he's not willing to communicate plus he was gaslighting you. These are very valid reasons to move on.
> When we first got Jen, my fiancé was very involved. He bought many toys and items we would need for her, and did much of the communicating with the person we were adopting her from.
That whiplash is quite concerning.
>he probably wouldn’t be much different as a parent of human children.
For me, I view dogs (and cats) much differently than children. I don't see dogs or cats as “fur babies”, but instead more for utility. I'm extremely protective of my child though, deeply involved in his life (but not too involved), and always wanting to do what's best for him.
I wonder if your husband views having a dog as utility like I do, and not a member of the household?
It is not your job to figure out where he lives. What you need is the lawyer who will take care of all of those details for you. What you need is a divorce.
When I came to her and told her my plan of saving X amount of dollars every paycheck, she seemed to doubt me and was like “I don’t know if that’s the best way to do it.”
Very interesting. Does she offer any follow up to these inputs and feedback? Or is it more of a “Well you're the man… So figure it out! Find ways to get us that house while giving me the freedom I want to spend on whatever I want!”
Right. It seems like he thinks of his workplace as some sort of battleground in Mordor, and he’s a protagonist in this high fantasy. But this isn’t a world of Kings and Knights and Wizards. It’s just work.
He is in for a world of surprise if he thinks “respect” is a word that belongs anywhere near retail work.
We don’t have any children. I used to be sure I wanted children but now I’m unsure. I don’t feel like I can take care of another human being if I can’t properly take care of myself. Lately I have been questioning whether or not I still want children. It’s something that is causing me anxiety too because I’m 31 and you know… social pressure.
Up until recently my time was focused on planning our wedding and trying to be okay mentally. Covid has made us cancel our wedding 3 times and it was our main focus. I do not work because my family lives across the world and usually there’s not enough time off in the US for me to go back to my home country and see my family. So I have sacrificed a potential career also. I have been blocked in the US because of immigration and Covid for a while and it has given me trauma.
When I say I don’t have any accomplishment of my own I mean that I don’t have a career or any hobby I can do when my husband is working. I also don’t have any friends in the US. I have good friends in my home country but it’s not the same. We recently moved to another part of the state where they’re a lot more to do than where we were previously, and also people to potentially connect with and that was actually my priority to focus on me a little and “get a life”. And then the obsession hit me and paralyzed me, making me question everything.
I went to my gynecologist to confirm it was. I’ve had a miscarriage before and it felt the exact same as the last one.
Okay, so you need some type of joint or shared child custody arrangement and there will be handovers involved. But there is no reason or need for you to talk to your ex outside of the child care/custody issues. He wants to bring up other stuff? Shut him down! Tell him cheaters don't get to complain or judge, and walk away. You don't owe him any explanation or accounting for your actions.
So what I'm seeing here is that he thinks you should be groveling to keep him after he verbally tears you down……nah I wouldn't chase his ass either
Ok first, where Are you from. And where is he from?
You left your country, for him. But what is the culture differences. I’ve dated so many from so many different countries, I promise you now, what your experiencing is culture shock. And is something that is really really really hard to work out. But it can be done.
As far as the intimacy, sometimes arguments get in the way, it’s so hard sometimes because your angry. If nothing else quit the argument, maybe till the next day.
Nothing wrong with going to your partner and saying “I don’t want to talk about our fight again until tomorrow, right now I just want to be intimate, but we still have to continue this argument.”
I think you have an insecure attachment you should look into. Being so strongly affected by someone’s behavior is s big sign of codependency. You might not care right now because all you want is the fix you get from being with him, but I’m gonna tell you that if you’re not able to fix these issues you’re going to get yourself into bad relationships continuously.
I think you did the right thing of breaking things off and going on break. It gave you both the time to reevaluate things. I strongly suggest not reaching out anytime soon as you’re not fully letting him have space, and if you were to reach out it’s a disrespect to him, and you mostly.. I hope the best for you but you need to prepare yourself for being rejected.
Second time married for 13 years I was over her the next day.
Does he smoke weed? It can be that or a medical condition. As for you what is it that you’re really desiring? Connection? Validation?
Mind your business and stop preoccupying yourself with someone else’s sex life.
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She’s dying. You can’t stop it. If she keeps going the way she is she’ll be dead within the year. The only choice you have is if you want to watch her slowly kill herself in your shared home or evict her. She’s beyond your help. Evicting her isn’t you handing her the death sentence that you seem to think it is. She’s already done that to herself.
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You can if you brow beat and belittle a woman for her own choice in not wanting to get pregnant, then having to choose an ABORTION because SHE DIDNT want the baby only to be ridiculed by this shitforbrains because “it's his baby too.”
She doesn’t respect your boundaries. She doesn’t care that she embarrasses you when she makes raunchy comments about your sex life in front of others. She does not respect your privacy, feelings and boundaries. To claim that having a boundary about sharing details about your sex life in group settings without your consent is not accepting her. The red flags on how she handles your feelings and boundaries is alarming. She’s not mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. This is not about accepting you as you are, this is about her disrespecting your boundaries around your peers/friends/family. Consider this a dodged bullet.
Say no. It's then up to him whether or not this is a deal breaker for him.
OP, it's OK to break up over something like this. It's OK to say no and expect your partner to see that as a complete and total sentence.
Do not do something just to keep a partner. This never works, as this will just split the two of you apart. At best the two of you will grow to resent each other, as it will be obvious that this isn't a good situation. At worst this is a scenario where he is manipulating and pressuring you into something you don't want.
Sexual compatibility is important, but keep in mind that being adventurous isn't the same as compatibility. It's entirely reasonable to expect that he will be happy with you and you along. You don't “owe” him sex that you aren't comfortable with.
You need to stop. Either someone is fucking with your relationship and lying to him, or you betrayed him in some way, or (and this feels most likely based on his total silence) he is fucking with your head because he read some stupid negging-type advice about playing hard to get makes the woman hotter for you. In any of the three events, just stop. Youve reached out, you made it clear you want to talk, that’s enough.
Send him one more message saying you will assume the relationship is over if you don’t hear from him in the next few days. Then wait two weeks.
If he never contacts you, you know it’s over. Maybe you’ll never know why. But he’s acting like a crazy person right now so maybe you’re well rid of him.
I think this may be the approach needed – combined with what others said about not making it all about sex (at least at first) so that it doesn’t seem like it’s all I care about.
Thank you for your help.
It was happening together and overlapping. Like I had stayed with him in another city for a few days and we were hanging out but he was a bit funny towards me in his behavior (like when we went out to dinner, he wasn't okay with me sitting next to him????) – so I decided to be away from him a little till he could behave normally with me and then he bitched about me to a friend saying “yeah she doesn't like it if I hit on her friends” And I was like??? And then he hit on that same friend and then soon after my other friend said end things the way it's going but she ended up giving me friction about him when we hung out
I think so, part of it was my fault, we were in a toxic relationship. But, if your guy is stating he doesn't see a future, I would encourage you to ask if that's something worth it to you to pursue. “Don't fit a square peg into a round hole” is an appropriate adage that comes to mind. You shouldn't have to hope someone will fall back in love with you, what your ex said to you took courage and guts by saying that to you and being honest, you should thank him for stepping up to the plate and doing what's right and not what's easy. If he overcame that fear and was courageous enough to give you hard news knowing it'll crush you but still telling you because it's important, he probably thought about it for a while before telling you, that would tell me he is fairly certain it's how he genuinely feels. Do with that information what you will.
Yeah, I know.
Well, he IS saying it’s his way or the highway. And he is allowed to say that. And you are now allowed to chose. His way? Or the highway?
Don't protect a man who “bonked you on the side of the head a few times”.
I'd actually advise a police report but it's probably past that time.
You are not responsible for him. You are not responsible for protecting him.
Hi, OP. Sorry to read about your difficulties. I'm a dad and I also coach and mentor middle and high school students (USA). I experienced a little of what you wrote with my own son, who is now 24.
Parenting is difficult and no parent is perfect. I'd even dare to say that most teenagers view their parents as being worse than their friends' parents. Running your own business is also difficult, so your parents are hit with a double whammy.
My son and I are very different in many ways. This means our respective approaches to problem solving is usually different as well. I believe a parent's most important role is to prepare our kids to live! productive independent lives — to prepare them for a successful launch into adulthood.
My son frustrated me throughout his teen years in many ways. Most of my frustration honestly came down to the simple fact that my son wasn't me. He was not a morning person like his dad. He didn't think like me. He didn't prioritize things in his life the way I believed he should. He didn't plan for his future the way I believed he should. He didn't appreciate the things I thought he should and spent too much time concentrating on things I viewed as unimportant. Like I said, he wasn't me. But at the same time, I wasn't him.
If you want things to improve with your mom, you need to be at least 50% of that solution. In other words, it's not your mom's responsibility to do everything and be everything you want just because you think that's what she should do. Your mom is not you. She doesn't think like you and she doesn't approach problem solving like you.
I don't like her saying things like you have a Peter Pan complex. Nothing good can come from throwing something like that at your daughter. BUT, I'm confident she said that out of frustration and exasperation as a parent rather than with the intention of hurting you. I also suspect the main source of her frustration is that you're now 18 and she's concerned about your “successful launch” and probably even blames herself for you not being ready to begin the process of leaving the nest. Most parents are worried about their 18 year old kids in this regard.
I often tell young people that if you want a friend you must first be a friend. People aren't likely to befriend you unless you're first friendly toward them. The same principal applies to your relationship with your mom. If you want her to cut you some slack, you must first cut her some slack. She's under a lot pf pressure running a business while being a mom and a wife. If you want your mom to be more open, have rational discussions with you, and get rid of the drama in your relationship, then you must first be more open, have rational discussions, and dispense all drama with her.
Teen years are hard, and being a parent of teens is very hot. You'll both get through this season in your lives and just like we all did, including my son, you'll look back one day and see that although your parents were far from perfect, they did the best they knew how and were not nearly as bad as you thought. And they will see the exact same in you when you launch successfully into adulthood.
Best wishes to you all, OP.
I gotta be honest, as a neutral 3rd party if this started happening to me out of now where – that would drive me insane and feel patronizing after awhile.
So you want to retain the right to be bigoted against others?? As a society we basically reject racism and bigotry and homophobia. So yes if you are anyone of those things then you don’t have a view that deserves respect. Get in the corner and out of society if you want to be an open homophobe or transphobe. Your view is bigotry isn’t protected nor does it ever need to be respected. Personally I’m fine publicly shaming bigoted people so those things are never deemed acceptable in our society.
As soon as I got old enough that I started expressing my own opinions and they didn’t align with his is when I started getting screamed at and called stupid and ignorant. I don’t think I was even a teen yet. It blew my mind when I met my husband’s father and he was actually involved and loving and encouraged discussion.
The vast majority of people just can't do any kind of poly or open relationships. It's not selfish to want to be monogamous.
If it was entirely your choice, you'd be this girl's only partner wouldn't you?
I think you've given yourself a lot of time to consider and I think if she can be mono for you then go for it. If she can't then I don't think this setup is a good idea. Being poly isn't an 'orientation' or need either, it's purely a lifestyle choice which people can choose not to engage in.
Every poly/open relationship I've encountered IRL has been one person seeing loads of people while the other one stays at home trying to convince themselves they're fine with it. You deserve better than that.
Ugh, what a tough spot. Its challenging to get into software development without the credentials, and you have an opportunity for it. I went to school for Computer Engineering myself and I love my job. Its a great field to be in.
The challenging part about this… is that you're not set up in a career. This is great open door for you. It would be different if you had the schooling that would give your more options close to home, however these opportunities are incredibly rare… especially in tech.
You want a career that can sustain a future. If you want a future with your BF, its good to have a career for yourself… this is your opportunity.
Lets say, in a years time. You declined this chance for the sake of being with your BF. Would you regret not perusing this opportunity. And worst case scenario, your reletionship becomes rocky. Now you're seriously regretting yourself.
Personally, I would say take the leap of faith and let the pieces fall where they may. This decision should be made about you first, then your reletionship second. And if your reletionship is amazing as it sounds, you two will find ways to make it work.
By messaging someone a song? I am sure it was curiosity. This isn’t cheating. This dude has serious issues, it’s not the girl. She was honest about her apps. He was being deceptive.
You’re both so young and it shows in the behavior displayed in the relationship. Firat, no, at this point she wouldn’t be a great mother because she is very selfish. She would smother them and be a helicopter parent and all that does is push children away. She doesn’t know how to be happy on her own. There are plenty of women in the world that will cook and clean and be your maid but if you want a partner to build a life with you need someone with more good attributes, that you also have. Someone that understands that you also have needs apart from those basic things because they do too. You stopped doing things that made you happy because she was smothering you and being very selfish with your time… that’s not healthy. Me and my husband have an amazing relationship where he takes care of my needs and I take care of his needs. I make sure that he has time to do the things that he needs to do like play video games and hang out with his friends and I encourage that, and he does the same for me. Having a relationship like this means being very open in conversation and not emotionally manipulating each other. Sometimes when he leaves yeah I do miss him and maybe sometimes it’s to the point where I cry about it for whatever emotional reason but I don’t use that against him or use that to keep him from leaving the house or doing something that he enjoys, because that’s not fair to him, and all that’s gonna create is resentment.
It doesn't matter what you think. Apologize and explain yourself then accept her decision.
You wrote this post like you’re a victim but you’re not. You were the first time when you found out your bf was a piece of shit. Now you’re just stupid.
Exactly, lack of communication caused these issues. Hanging out and hooking up is not a relationship, it’s a convenience until you change the definition of the relationship together. Not in your own head OP, she’s not Jean Grey.
She says she goes to the store usually comes home with shit. Oftentimes too much shit. Sometimes she says she goes to meet her mom. We only have one car so it's not like I can follow her.
Definitely inappropriate talk. Most people with cancer are going to struggle financially. It's really inappropriate any time though. It sounds like she was trying to brag and flaunt the money without making it seem like she was actually trying to do that.
I guess your wife thinks your relationship is in danger.
Might want to focus on that rather than what's going on with the baby sitter first.
I say deal with that first because how you deal with the babysitter might change based on that. I know you feel compelled to make it right with the babysitter. But it is highly likely that you both are not seeing things clearly.
I also recommend that you find a dispassionate third party like a counselor to go over this situation because there be dragons here.
Just keep what you can as far as past communications about her and with her go, just in case you need some kind of evidence. I suggest cutting all contact with everyone involved with her, including her mom, and going to therapy. A relationship like that leaves damage.
By default, this shouldn't be an issue, people can have strictly platonic friendships with people of the other gender. However, if you got a gut feeling, then something is probably not quite right with their “friendship”.
Apparently the girl found out I would’ve been uncomfortable with her staying over, and told him I was trying to control him, steal him away from his friends and that he needed to communicate his real feelings to me.
someone I don’t know very well said all those things about me to him, and it also felt as though he somewhat agrees with her and says maybe he’s just been blind to it since he’s in the relationship and not an outsider looking in(?)
I'm assuming her staying the night at his place is the only major thing you've expressed too your bf as making you uncomfortable? Also assuming you didn't lay this down as a boundary rather just expressed too him your feelings about this girl. IF SO, then you're not being controlling, you're trying to have healthy conversation with your bf about this friendship and how it makes you feel.
Her comment too him is honestly outrageous, I'd be very upset if one of my partner's friends said that too them when I've only expressed how their friendship makes me uncomfortable. And his way of talking too you about it is even worse, hopefully he's just being blind/an idiot.
Confront your bf, reinforce how his closeness with this friend makes you uncomfortable, the fact that they spend way more 1 on 1 time together now that she's single, the fact that you've not barred him from spending time with her only tried to express how this friendship makes you feel, and how her comment against you and him supporting her over you is disrespectful. Hopefully, he comes around and apologies, otherwise, you may want to rethink your relationship with him.
Parting thought. Either he's “emotionally cheating” and ranting way to much too this girl about your relationship, or she's a homewrecker trying to turn your bf against you, maybe both. Otherwise her comment to him over this is EXTREME.
Because it’s so freaking easy to know what you should do from the outside. But then to live! it is another. Everyone thinks they would leave until it happens to them. Everyone.
I am glad we agree!
do you seriously need someone to tell you this shit is not normal…? this man is sick in the head.
L lol ok
You both sound unhappy…It is coming out in lack of patience.
If you are leaving, he prob feels it too.
Distance is what is needed…you both need space from each other.
You cannot control him or his behaviour, just you.
Title is inaccurate. You have not met.
Yeah, you just aren't sexually compatible anymore. And he's not willing to communicate plus he was gaslighting you. These are very valid reasons to move on.
Exactly what I have grown to realize. I feel much better tonight than i did yesterday
Would you trust your children with him?
> When we first got Jen, my fiancé was very involved. He bought many toys and items we would need for her, and did much of the communicating with the person we were adopting her from.
That whiplash is quite concerning.
>he probably wouldn’t be much different as a parent of human children.
For me, I view dogs (and cats) much differently than children. I don't see dogs or cats as “fur babies”, but instead more for utility. I'm extremely protective of my child though, deeply involved in his life (but not too involved), and always wanting to do what's best for him.
I wonder if your husband views having a dog as utility like I do, and not a member of the household?
It is not your job to figure out where he lives. What you need is the lawyer who will take care of all of those details for you. What you need is a divorce.
Not yet, no
Ironic that he thinks counselling is the end of a marriage when you're literally at the end now.
You’re confused as to why a guy would want to have sex with two women at the same time?
He's perfectly capable of making his own lunch. He sounds like a douche.
Fuckzoned is the term, yes?
When I came to her and told her my plan of saving X amount of dollars every paycheck, she seemed to doubt me and was like “I don’t know if that’s the best way to do it.”
Very interesting. Does she offer any follow up to these inputs and feedback? Or is it more of a “Well you're the man… So figure it out! Find ways to get us that house while giving me the freedom I want to spend on whatever I want!”
Right. It seems like he thinks of his workplace as some sort of battleground in Mordor, and he’s a protagonist in this high fantasy. But this isn’t a world of Kings and Knights and Wizards. It’s just work.
He is in for a world of surprise if he thinks “respect” is a word that belongs anywhere near retail work.
We don’t have any children. I used to be sure I wanted children but now I’m unsure. I don’t feel like I can take care of another human being if I can’t properly take care of myself. Lately I have been questioning whether or not I still want children. It’s something that is causing me anxiety too because I’m 31 and you know… social pressure.
Up until recently my time was focused on planning our wedding and trying to be okay mentally. Covid has made us cancel our wedding 3 times and it was our main focus. I do not work because my family lives across the world and usually there’s not enough time off in the US for me to go back to my home country and see my family. So I have sacrificed a potential career also. I have been blocked in the US because of immigration and Covid for a while and it has given me trauma.
When I say I don’t have any accomplishment of my own I mean that I don’t have a career or any hobby I can do when my husband is working. I also don’t have any friends in the US. I have good friends in my home country but it’s not the same. We recently moved to another part of the state where they’re a lot more to do than where we were previously, and also people to potentially connect with and that was actually my priority to focus on me a little and “get a life”. And then the obsession hit me and paralyzed me, making me question everything.
She cheated, she belongs to the streets. Have some self respect brother and leave.
Just end it. If your obsession is that bad just leave