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Date: October 23, 2022
you must’ve glazed over the part where OPs girlfriend is unemployed. it should be her job to take care of the house
That's not what I'm saying, I'm saying that you could be damaging if not eliminating your relationship with them too.
Also, did you get them the dna tests or was it your son?
Wouldn’t be a terrible idea but ironically we are practicing abstinence until marriage. And we’ve been successful so far so yeah
Sociopaths and psychopaths all fall within the umbrella of antisocial personality disorder. It would be important to know if he has undergone a mental health evaluation to help determine what/if any disorders exist. It is essential that he is in therapy to help ensure he is functioning well on a personal level with psychiatric help to focus on the medical aspect.
It is truly up to you as you know his actions best. Sit down with a self help book about signs of abusive relationships and mark anything that applies to your relationship. Does he care about your feelings? Can you trust him? Do you feel safe around him? Is he verbally abusive? This will help you remove the emotions when considering if this is a relationship to continue. Sociopaths are known for manipulating situations to benefit them and to a normal person they have no moral code. This makes having a relationship very difficult and if you decide to continue the relationship I would suggest that you have couples counseling. Have firm rules for the relationship and ensure there is an agreement if things were to end. It is possible.
Now with all of the helpful parts I understand your fear. I was married to someone who was diagnosed as a sociopath as a child but more likely falls under being a psychopath. Granted I didn't know this until after I got away from the relationship and I wish I knew before going through all of that pain. Nothing was about what was best for me. I always felt trapped in the relationship and he gaslighted me and other abuse tactics to where I likely developed Stockholm syndrome. He would beat and torture me, he would threaten my family, and when he realized for some reason that never made sense to him that I care more about others than myself he abused it. He tortured and killed my pets forcing me to watch. I have lived an awful and abusive life to where I didn't see an issue with the way he treated me. I developed CPTSD and being with a sociopath broke me as a person.
Please be smart and focus on what is right for you. There is nothing wrong with admitting that this is too much for you to handle and end the relationship.
Bs. He cheated and you know it
Basically he does not want it but would go along if she insists — Not a good feeling to have if she wants a long lasting marriage.
Or they already have another person in mind and will cheat soon.
He is, I’m not. I had no idea.
He has included you fro what youve said.. its just not done HOW you want him to
I’m giving my sister $100 to host me and him on my side of the families Christmas too.
Tell him you're covering your side of the family visit and that you can't afford to cover his side.
Yeah. 🙁 I'm trying to come up with a plan on how to deal with this. I'm just disappointed lol.
THERAPY.
Dude it's been 6 months and she already cheated and there freaking too much shit and drama going. Why would you put up with that? You're just inviting needless drama and turmoil into your life
Actually it’s not my first love I have been divorced once before because he was extremely physically abusive. I healed from that and I got with current bf a year after. We been together for 5 years now and recently turned sour in the last two years and absolutely shitty the last 6th months.
Oof, sounds like some counseling could really help you two straighten some of this out. Either that or you need to stay nice and levelheaded and confront him about how this makes you feel. I personally look back at people from high school all the time and see where they’re at, with some repeats of the ones I crushed on. It’s not in a sexual way, and maybe it isn’t for your husband either. He could be staring at her and realizing the billet he dodged – or reflecting on all he has now that he could’ve missed out on. Or, it could just be sexual and her pics are his personal porn – which sounds gross I know, but if the rest of the relationship is on point, then counseling is likely the best way to go
First of all, your bringing it up won't make it weird. Him doing it is what has made it weird as fuck.
Personally, I would suggest that next time you are over (before you break up over this creepy shot) and he is staring at his sister going past you should Out Loud say:
“Why are you staring at your sisters boobs and ass every time she goes by? That is weird. Please stop. Or do it when I'm not here.”
The point is to draw it to his SISTER'S attention. When you leave she can watch for other creepy shit he does around her.
He isn't a “people watcher” or he would be doing it to men and older people equally. He is a person who thinks of you, his sister, and other females as “it”. He objectifies women.
He is also rude as fuck around you. Why, a lack of respect for women.
If he was walking with his boss or parent they would not put up with him rubber necking women.
Think about it… he is walking with you… but he feels the need to turn and stare at sexy women who walk past?? That is RUDE.
He has come up with the cutsie phrase “people watcher” BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN CALLED OUT ON IT IN THE PAST. So, instead of fixing his behavior he gave it a more socially acceptable name.
He also stared at his sister's body so blatantly IN YOUR PRESENCE that you were creeped out. There is no way to come back from that. You were in a room with him while he sexualized his sister's body. He doesn't even have the common sense to be aware of his surroundings. I would not want to be associated with a guy who is known to do this.
Any women you know, don't want to hang out with a friend who brings around a creepy bf who does the rubbernecking of a 13 yr old boy discovering he likes boobs.
I would suggest breaking up and taking this as a Red Flag you know how to watch for in the future.
Yeah I think that's better.
Thanks for the comments guys
You’re 23 who the fuck cares what your families think?
People on this thread.. wow.. I hope none of your parents broke up over this issue. That’s insanity.
My wife also separates sex from love, but I have had quite a few conversations with her that they aren’t separate for me. I also share your challenge with her low libido. She also hasn’t cheated nor would she cheat. This issue is one the things we as a couple have to work on and work through. I think your wife senses your frustration and since it’s not the same as love, commitment, parenthood to her she’s trying to help you find an outlet. The reality is you don’t want another outlet you just want a better sexual relationship with your wife.
So you have to lovingly work on it. The first thing you do is say no matter the frequency your the one I want to be with and you want to remain faithful with her. And just say that’s your desire.
The next thing is to work on it with conversations. I used to fight with my wife about the frequency, she didn’t like that I would accuse her of not loving me, in reality to her it was just sex. She didn’t like counting, me bringing up when the last time was.. she just wanted to be sex to be something we did as part of our larger story. In other words she wanted the drama out of it.. the drama didn’t help her feel romantic at all. And truthfully how could it.
After that we had conversations about what gets her in the mood. In her case me being confident and desiring her and expressing it with conviction. But also preparing her, letting her know that I desired her early in the day it gave her an opportunity to prepare herself.
Next was to be patient and respectful, even though you desire her it doesn’t mean it will happen that day. You look at the mood as something you both need to help her get too. No pressure, just be confident in it will happen at the right time. If it didn’t happen before bed or you know it won’t happen or she tells you it won’t happen, just be like… well I desire you but hopefully tomorrow works out.
The big thing is to make sure she knows your on this adventure together. Marriage is a long commitment of ups and downs and this is one of those things as we age together we’ll get better at. Many young parents go through this issue.
And his mother didn't have to make any arrangements for being away from home?
You captured every single thought I had. This times a million.
I'm basing this on moving to a new city even if it doesn't make sense
This is a bad assumption given OP said:
I personally didn’t think this was worth it, he’s not making much more money and it’s costing us to move there when we’re already financially strapped but he said it was good experience and what he really wanted to do.
I say this as someone that moved with his wife to China (Wuhan right before a surprise pandemic) and am making less than half what I made in the US so that my wife could have her dream job. Before that, there was also a point where I took a risk in my own career path to do work that was more interesting and resulted in me originally making the same as I was making, but 6 months later I was making 50% more than previously.
This makes me think OP has been incredibly selfish during the moving process and constantly nagging him about how the move wasn't worth it. I never would have said something like it wasn't worth it because she wanted to persue her dream job.
question: how long had you been keeping your non-orgasms a secret before you told him?
Wow man. I'm 37 I've been out of an abusive relationship for a fee months now and I've read heaps of posts but this is one of those ones that just make you stop and get heavy in the chest and think, Fuck. That. That's no way to live! If my partner told me they were writing something as big as their life story I would be absolutely THRILLED and not read it because of course as a partner you get to be the first person who reads the first draft and time and energy is important! It's not ok that she's constantly in your emails or texting people pretending to be you. I noticed you said you go along with it so as to not start a fight. Is she much worse than you're telling us? Will she be able to read this from your phone? Go to Hell Bitch if she does lol….but seriously, I've had an incredibly bizarre amazing fucked up life but never thought to write something, id love to know what your life was like. Are you ok really dude? Do you have friends? If you are not allowed friends that is abuse. No privacy is abuse. Pretending to be you to talk to other people, abuse. You are asking us, a bunch of dickheads probably, at the age of 46 if privacy is required. Fucking oath! Change every password and tell her firm no that no she does not get to read your entire phone monologues this post just screams control, and you might even feel guilty about it and that's what trauma bonds do to us. Im only recently free from it myself, it wasnt easy but I am safe now and mentally im free and feel the lightest and least anxiety ive felt in years, I was never allowed to be me. Anyway, id understand if you had been cheating or having emotional affair then her getting in your business would be totally justified. But it's not so it makes it crazy. Ask yourself this, do I want to feel like this for the rest of my life? I hope you get to write your book, and fuck it, just start writing on paper instead or change the password to the entire computer tell her Angie from Townsville Australia said to get fucked Cunt?? hope you get the life you want man, I'll be thinking about this shit long after✌
Don't engage
This. That guy sounds like a bully and childish moron. He claims he does it because OP is unreasonable, but he's the one that refuses to ever be wrong in an argument. And will resort to talking over OP and then dirty tricks like the spray when he wants to “shut her up” and have his way.
At some point an abusive ass like him will use his fist to silence her.
This is not a relationship any self-respecting woman would want to be in. And he will get worse.
Yes I’m scared that I have made it toxic now. But would people usually stop reading immediately if they saw their partner had written about them? To be clear he gave me this notepad as I asked for some paper to write him a poem on (something I often do). I know I should have stopped ready when I saw his private thoughts but I think it was human of me to carry on and doesn’t make me unsafe?
Make her climax through foreplay first. Toys, mouth, fingers. There's a fuck ton of articles on the web to help you. After making her cum once or twice with foreplay, then have sex or have her give you foreplay whatever you want. But make sure to make her cum before having the actual sex. Try communicating more during sex!
It already sounds really bad an$ this stuff just gets worse once your married.
Why does he think you dating would “shock” anyone?
Ask him why he's lying.
But you see all those things you didn't like about her someone else is loving her for. You can try telling her how you feel but it might be too late. But you can certainly try.
By disrespecting me. He wears AirPods for most part of the day so he doesn’t have to respond to me (he can pretend he didn’t hear me). He walks away if I start a sentence e.g. what to buy from the supermarket. He wants me to message him what is needed
Hahahah I was thinking the same!! I would brag to my friends if my BF did that. Even escalate the story a bit but it’s awesome what OP did.
You're young and seem to want different things out of a relationship. Also she doesn't prioritise you if she's responding to other people before responding to you.
Look, love is awesome, but a relationship needs more than love to succeed. If you think you want to stay with her and she is open to that, maybe try marriage counseling ; but it sounds a bit like she is hugely dependent on you to uphold her lifestyle, like you might have helped her out a lot and she doesn't want to be ungrateful, and even though you're similarly aged like you take on a bit of a parent role. Maybe she wasn't able to rebel in her teens for survival reasons and is now emotionally catching up. It doesn't really sound healthy, but in truth no one else can be the judge of that. I would like to point out that your message (… Thanks for letting me know….) sounds quite passive aggressive so perhaps both of you can work on your marriage if you do decide to give counseling/therapy a try.
its understandable that your concerned, communication is very important in any relationship.. some people can have a really hot time processing emotions and might even need more than a few hours to think on it. you might just need to give him some space for some hours or even a day and come back to address the issue.
he might not know exactly the reason why he is sad or he might have a very hot time processing it. just be patient, and be gentle. if he struggles bringing it up, you might have to ask questions to help him open up if you can. if he has experienced any kind of trauma or had emotionally abusive parents, that could also be a reason why he struggles.
if he can afford it, therapy would probably be really good to help him work through these kinds of issues, especially talking and such. i know people always say therapy, but its a very helpful tool.
You need to reach out to her and tell her that you slept with her wife. You really have to, and soon. You didn't do anything wrong, you just need to do the right thing and let her know.
Catch up with her, then ask if she has an open relationship and go from there.
Wow, she is an idiot!! She is 200K in debt and makes 410K!!
She showed you where her priorities are and that is changing you.
I see a few red flags, I hope you see them too!
Wow, she is an idiot!! She is 200K in debt and makes 410K!!
She showed you where her priorities are and that is changing you.
I see a few red flags, I hope you see them too!
What's rage bait?
Dudes got an unhealthy relationship with sexuality. Only advice really is that this is not your problem. And certainly not something to waste your 20s over
You sound like you are not ready for a relationship. Yes, break up now and stay single until you get over this insane hang up. Everyone has a past, until you come to grips with that you don't deserve a future with a partner.
That's also a really great idea! Thank you!
She needs some space whether you both realize it or not