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Date: January 14, 2023
This was my thinking. And if so what's he up to while he's “pooping”?
It really, really isn't. With 1st cousins, probably best avoided for health reasons, but the amount of DNA you share with even just a 2nd cousin is only a fraction more than with a total stranger. With 3rd cousins it is an immeasurable difference.
It’s best to breakup at this point because you are BOTH so young. This way there’s no holding back if someone new comes into your life that you can actually have a real relationship with like in person.
He can afford it but I can't. I'm still in school and will be graduating in 2 months, so I've never had a full time job related to my career.
It's been 25 years. Married/LTR people sometimes change in ways that surprise or shock them and their partner (s) – and often over much shorter time frames years 5,7,&10 seem to be popular. In this case, for her, this area has been so very black and white with extremely strict rules for a long time. She could genuinely be very confused about suddenly finding out that different-gender people can be just friends like this. A sudden interest in a non-romantic connection could feel just as confusing as suddenly catching romantic feelings for someone.
I also see this from the perspective of being bi or gay. Should I not have any friends because I'm bi? Should my gay friends give up all same-gender friends? This has made me more used to setting clear expectations and boundaries and holding them. Not to mention watching formerly straight people divorce to be with same-gender partners.
Often, I would agree with the projection theory. But, that usually shows up much sooner than 25 years after setting down the rules. Counseling would probably be helpful. It's a Reddit trope for a reason – the majority of people don't turn to strangers on the internet for the simple or easy-to-navigate things in their lives. I would suggest thinking about starting with individual counseling. First, to work through this breach of trust. Individual would let each of you work out your separate feelings without spousal pressure or interruptions. Some people would still want a couple's therapist to mediate the conversations on those feelings and how to proceed. But, some people don't. But, counseling would also be for a second issue – your potentially changing relationship rules. Sometimes, people put in place rules as bumper guards. Your wife may have outgrown the need for them. Have you? It could be a negotiation.
I'd suggest going with your true gut feeling on whether or not she's been actually cheating as in having or intending to have a romantic relationship (regardless of sex being involved) and go from there. But, it didn't sound romantic or like you thought it was romantic in how you described things.
Good luck, OP!