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Date: October 4, 2022
AmateurPub
Handling firearms while upset IS worrying behavior. Potential indication of either homicidal or suicidal intent.
At first I thought it was just that he had guns and I was like “what’s the BFD?”
That my friend, is the trash taking itself out. You dodged a bullet.
UpdateMe!
He should date men. They don't have periods.
Someone downloaded the Tinder app to his phone, made an entire Tinder profile, matched with girls in his area (not a different area), and talked to girls about things he specifically likes, but he says it’s not him?
Uh..he’s lying. Flat out..liar.
Mind sharing those groups?
All submissions must request advice
rule 2. I don't see a request
I would absolutely stop driving him anywhere/not let him use the vehicle and kick him out, tbh. Make him pay child support through the courts and use part of it for rent and a parking pass.
OP's family are almost billionaires or at least the Indian equivalent.Anya has struggled to find a boyfriend and is now dating Jim who OP has never liked. Jim is one of the guys in the group. Recently, Anya and OP fought because Steve and Jim told OP that they didn't want me to come to a party or something I can't recall and OP looked at Anya's phone and apparently there was some rude stuff written about me I'm not sure but OP wasn't happy and said to Anya “Don't you see how awful your boyfriend is, see?” and Anya basically acted like that didn't happen. They didn't talk for a while and it just sort of went away. This other time Anya, OP and Dave were at his house and OP tells me to come pick her up and take her home. When I get there her phone was turned off again. Now this is a 13 Pro Max with full battery and OP said it just turned itself off. Oddly the time when her phone turned off is when Anya left Dave's. ###I suspect Anya who knows that I have trust issues really wants OP to be with Dave turned her phone off when she left. So I would doubt what was happening between Dave and OP. Phones don't turn themselves off and if they do they turn back on immediately### All of my compadres unanimously agree that this something seriously fucked up between Anya and OP. Coming to the incident. I got cheated on in my last relationship. I have trust issues. Who doesn't? Dating OP did not help because she was dating this really sweet dude and cheated on him with me and that's fucked with me. OP has been so wonderful with this, she really is the kindest person I've ever met and very supportive. Last night I got blackout drunk. We started drinking around 1pm and this incident happened at 3:40am that same night. We had been drinking longer than 12 hours. Steve started handing out continuous shots at around 11 or 12 this is around where it gets fuzzy. We were walking into her room and I heard Anya's voice say to OP “Hahaha he doesn't know that you've been fucking Steve does he?” My heart sank. We were supposed to get married. Why would she say that? Then I proceed to ask OP why she said that. OP laughs in my face, saying she doesn't know what I'm talking about, Anya is also laughing at me. I take both my hand and pushed OP to take me seriously and she continues to laugh at me I go to the other side of the room and start screaming and thats when they start taking me seriously. I weigh 132 and OP is about 102. Now OP was standing at the foot of the bed with the back of her knees touching the bed. Even with a person that's not top heavy the amount of pressure I would have to use to push OP down using her throat is substantial. You're basically leveraging her entire weight on her neck. OP was not hurt I've never hurt anyone in my entire life, there's no history of physical abuse in my family or my past relationships. Now after security walked me out, OP was alone in a room with Anya and Steve and Dave. Then texts me the next night to tell me it's over. She won't speak to me or hear my side of the story. It all just happened so fast and since this weekend I made tremendous progress with her friends. I sat and buddy buddied with Dave, Steve and Anya all night and I got fucked up and made a stupid split second decision that although looks bad I'm sure even OP would agree was never designed to hurt her. My heart was broken. I impulsively did something terrible and I'm sorry. Also OP is completely capable of kicking my ass even did a couple week ago play fighting me and didn't stop until I started tearing up. OP I'm so sorry I did what I did, If I could make a recommendation as just a Redditor reading your post and I understood that you wrote this while very distraught and very emotional I would say that If you think that you and Nick have enough good between yourselves and can somehow understand that a dumb drunk out of his mind guy did a dumb thing one time. You should give him another chance and If he does it again then you know for sure he's physically abusive. But if its a one time in 27 years fuckup you gotta give him a second chance. People fuck up. Everybody commenting here has done a fuck up once in their life and this was mine. It wasn't even actual choking! My hand wasn't on your throat. If it were I wouldn't be doing all this. If I actually got drunk and tried to hurt you I wouldn't be here trying to reason with you. If this is the one and only thing I've done to wrong its not worth throwing away the perfect relationship, you said it yourself. You breakup with your boyfriend if the relationship devolves into a toxic terrible suffocating situation and that not what this is. This is your idiot doing one idiot thing on one Saturday. That not worth throwing all the years away.
“Stop blowing up my phone when I'm out with famly or friends.” “I'm going to see family and I won't be responding to your messages from x time to y time.” “I'm going to see family and I'll be turning my phone off. I'll talk to you when I get back.”
This is why people should have the “long term” conversation in the first month or 2 of dating. Both of you obviously have ideas about what you want your own future to be but haven't talked to the other person about it…
The cat would probably rather live in a bedroom with her than live! with a stranger. When I caught 2 feral kittens the animal shelter wouldn't take them and told me I could just keep them in my bathroom forever, 1 cat in a bedroom would be more space than that.
Also if the dog gets used to the cat and the cat get the household smell on it the dog will most likely think of the cat as a family member, or at least as household property so not to be destroyed.
Not at all. Look I'm seeing comments saying how I could've done this entire thing, gave the guys nudes and used this story as cover and now I'm seeing u telling me that I'm manipulating her. You must've met alot of messed up people in your life but I genuinely care about her mental and wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to tell her because I know her mental state…that's why I came here for advice smh
Even if he doesn't want a kid, he deserves to help make that decision together. I wouldn't want the girl I love to go through that alone and I wouldn't want that choice taken away from me. Just talk to him.
This is a really reductive and harmful view of sex, treating orgasms as of they are the only thing that matters in sex. If you orgasm, it was good, if you didn't it was bad. It hurts women and it hurts men.
Sex where I do everything and the woman or man lies there is not satisfying for me, orgasm or not. Conversely, involved passionate sex where we both seek pleasure is very satisfying for me, even if neither of us orgasm.
It absolutely does take more effort for women to orgasm, though honestly for most it's not really that incredibly difficult, it's just that some effort is a bar that so many useless men can't cross. There should be more focus on getting het men to try harder.
That doesn't mean it's okay to ignore your partners pleasure and not give back when having sex, regardless of whether they orgasm or not.
I don’t get this. You don’t have to rush to get married. You can still have a bachelorette party (minus the booze). This seems to be a you problem more than him.
If he was leaving you right after the baby was born, I would fully agree he shouldn’t go, but that isn’t happening.
I had an ex with a porn addiction, that masterbated every single day and sometimes multiple times a day all throughout high school. By the time he was 21, he had erectile dysfunction and little to no sensation in his penis.
And not only a pig, but a moron who thought there was a chance sending a dick pic to his wife’s sister would get him laid.
You’re just going to have to wait until your meeting to ask him what’s up, unfortunately. Before you do, though, go through your memories and remember specifics of when you had these very clear discussions. Find written backup if you can. I had an ex who during arguments would constantly ask “give me an example of that” or “when exactly did that happen?”. I was always blindsided by it so I used to come prepared with backup if I was bringing up any issues (yes this was a toxic relationship, obviously!). I wouldn’t assume the worst, but you are thinking he may be manipulating you, so this is something good to have in your back pocket. That way if he does try and say that you said that you were monogamous or something, you can point to specific examples of why that is not true. Good luck!
I appreciate your advice. That’s why I’m on Reddit asking unfortunately because I do I feel ashamed to tell anyone close to me about it. I appreciate everyone who has responded because I do feel alone in this
You break up and say you could be friends one day but you both need many months to get over one another.
Don’t ruin your peace of mind for “closure.” He’s not going to give it to you. Probably just make you feel like more shit and make you regret reaching out. Don’t destroy your peace for that
Bye bye marriage.
Is your culture happy with people sleeping with married men and having children with them? Or do you just pick and choose which parts to follow, and use it as a crutch to fall back on so you don't have to be responsible for your own actions?
How did they destroy your trust?
If your charismatic enough you might be able to do the knock on her door bit. Imo it’s a decent one considering you’re neighbors.
Do not put a letter in her mailbox.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 KJV).
I don't normally support the Bible as a guide for life, and this is a little sexist, but I think the bible really nailed it here. You leave the domain of your parents and family, and enter the domain of your spouse, or you aren't really functioning as a partner.
You need to let him know. I had a partner who told me when we broke up that they never really enjoyed being penetrated either despite asking for it specifically during sex and it broke me. I felt disgusting and like an abuser. It hurt that they let me do something to them they didn't like. You should absolutely tell your bf.
husband
keeps calling me his girlfriend
That sounds at minimum kind'a messed up.
he told me it was just because he doesn't want everybody to ask him a bunch of questions. He wants his “private life” to stay private.
I get that, but … if he managed to say you're his girlfriend, he could'a upgrade to wife/spouse … or stared with “partner” and worked it up to “life partner”, but continuing to say “girlfriend” is rather belittling of the relationship, and also really at least bit of a lie. If he really didn't want to talk about it he could've started off earlier with “I generally don't discuss that personal stuff.” – heck, work environment about all he'd ever need tell for the most part would be HR once married (notably for legal and benefits reasons). Though if he wears a ring, or coworkers might occasionally overhear a call or see him wearing ring, or whatever … well, folks do tend to be curious busybodies … can't entirely stop that, but can slow 'em down a lot … heck, I can think of a former coworker and friend that I've known for … over a quarter century. I don't now their sexual orientation or relatoinship status still to this day – they never brought it up – I never asked – I figure it's none 'o my business – if they want to share, fine, if they don't, that's fine too.
But your boyfriend's behavior is more problematic and/or possibly even suspicious. If he really didn't want to reveal that he's got a girlfriend, he probably could've managed that (with some effort, etc.) – but to say/acknowledge that he's got a girlfriend … and not bother to update describing that as at least life partner … or if he doesn't want to even acknowledge that status change, he could say something like, “yes, I continue to be in a relationship”, and leave it at that, and not put a label/descriptor on it beyond that. But still calling the relationship “girlfriend” … really? That's highly odd … at best.
he's been extra private with me and somewhat secretive
I think I may be starting to smell a rat. I mean sure, keep it relatively quiet, on the down low, but … “secretive”. If he's outright hiding it or lying about it, likely something's very seriously wrong.
told me that he was estranged from his family and didn't have any contact with them but I came home early from work the other day and he was on the phone with his relative
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
I didn't tell him what I heard about the rest because I still don't know how I feel about it and I'm still processing it and I don't want to start a fight.
Time to start those conversations – even if maybe it leads to a fight. Y'all need get it sorted, but something's definitely up.
not sure I'm ready for the truth
Truth will set you free!
don't know how to approach the conversation
Start it … figure out the approach later, if you need to. This sh*t's important, and y'all ought be able to well discuss it.
accused me of not trusting or believing him and that I was hurting his feeling
Well, that raises more red flags. You ought be able to ask, and he ought be able to well tell you what the hell's going on. Plain and simple. Not that horribly complex. Sure, trust … but if he's gonna behave like a secretive deceptive person, that's gonna make him – or anyone – a helluva lot harder to trust … so he's got some serious 'splainin' to do.
thought we had a good relationship
Well, if nothing else, the communication is seriously messed up – and that needs be straightened out – that's a huge part of any decent successful relationship.
I don't like it and feel very hurt
You need to tell him, and he's got some serious explaining to do. And bad that he's lying (e.g. to his coworkers), but if he's doing that sh*t to you too, sorry, but then it's a sh*t relationship … maybe fixable, maybe not.
worry I'm being used
Might very much be the case … or possibly not … but either way, time to get to the bottom of it, eh? So, start by having those conversations and asking him. Either he tells you the truth, and it all hangs together … or it'll all start unraveling … but at least you'll know or find out, rather than hanging out tortured indefinitely in limbo.
advice on how to approach him
Just flat out ask him. You're his wife for {God|other deity or non-god|fuck}'s sake.
I show total mistrust it could damage our relationship
Your relationship is already damaged. You want to have a fighting chance of fixing it, you need to ask those questions and have those conversations. Tell him how you feel, tell him how his behaviors are making you feel. Ask him to explain what's going on. Ask him to help you try and understand.
anything I can do to make that conversation easier or just less reactive I want to
No guarantees, you gotta plough forward. You don't have to be accusatory or anything like that, but explain and communicate how it makes you feel – unsure, scared, insecure, vulnerable, threatened, paranoid, … whatever, tell him.
say how I'm feeling
There 'ya go – you even said it yourself.
want to do his right.
Get started, doesn't have to be perfect – and getting moving on it is way better than sitting on it … so get a move on.
Now wondering, are you part of any interesting activist groups? There was a famous case in the UK of police setting up fake LTRs and even having kids t
We don't know when brother and future sister-in-law set the date, figured out the venue and all that stuff. It's possible they had it done way before she got the date of her graduation and it might be too late to change the date etc.
I just burst out laughing so thank you
He cheated on her with you, and now you are being cheated on with her (or he’s cheating on both of you).
Make him apologize sincerely and then have him eat up that pussy good to prove how sorry he is. If he doesn't oblige drop him like the sorry ass he is. A GOOD BOYFRIEND APOLOGOZES AND MAKES SURE HIS WOMAN FEELS BETTER.
Okay but who’s more important? This guy who would literally try to be with two sisters at the same time, or your sister? Both of you drop this dude and mend your relationship.
She’s your sister. They went on dates. He is off limits to you eternally
Every thread seems like trolling now…
So… you've physically abused this person, SAed them and blamed it on dissociation (I'm sorry, that's a poor excuse for ignoring a safeword and continuing to ignore that your partner wanted things to stop — please remember that some of your audience here experiences severe dissociation as well), AND y'all have kids? This is extremely disturbing. Your husband shouldn't be focused on getting laid again, he should be taking the kids and running as far as he can. I feel so bad for them growing up in this environment. If he doesn't care enough about himself or your children to end it, I'd suggest you end the relationship as an act of mercy instead.
Yes I got uncomfortable when I noticed he started giving them more attention than me.
I thought you said you are a virgin?
I can see how people in healthy relationships who have very strict boundaries and a strong self esteem can't quite comprehend how someone might feel forced by such (truly pathetic) displays of emotional manipulation. Unfortunately some people, especially those who have experienced prior victimization, might not have those strong foundations to fall back on when the boundary pushing starts and they find their boundaries constantly disregarded and violated.
In cases like OP where someone constantly gets guilt-tripped until they “consent” to sex, it's a gradual escalation with more and more outrageous tactics being employed until the person is so worn down they don't see it worth the hassle to say no in the first place. Might as well lie back and think of queen of england to avoid the argument and dramatics that would follow a “no”. The escalation follows the idea of a “frog in a kettle”, where you slowly increase the heat until the frog boils alive.
It's a similar type of conflict-avoidance someone might develop with an irrationally jealous or controlling partner, where you “choose your battles” because trying to assert yourself feels too taxing emotionally, and in the end you find yourself steeped in learned helplessness that makes you feel completely powerless to assert yourself. Abusive people are incredibly good at making normally functional and self-respecting adults find themselves in situations they never thought they'd accept.
So if it helps you understand the tactic a bit better, think of it as emotional abuse that is geared to manipulate someone into having sex they don't want.
I'm genuinely happy to hear you haven't been in such a relationship. Thank you for considering what I was saying.
I agree – they do!
Thank you ?
Any time you feel “crazy” or invalidated in a relationship, or frequently confused, it's a warning sign that you're dating someone emotionally abusive. He's using “breakups” with you as a manipulation tactic to punish you for speaking up for yourself. I highly encourage you to download a free copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I think you'll see your boyfriend's behaviors in the pages.