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Date: October 18, 2022
You want and value different things and it’s been long enough now for you both to realize that neither of you are able or willing to compromise on the things that you each value most. For him freedom, for you connection and security. Own it, lean into the discomfort and get help to uncouple consciously, you can stay good friends and remain close loving parents. You’ve both proved over and over that you want different things and that’s ok. Separation doesn’t have to be bitter or final even. It can be a mutually respectful experience where you both honor the sacredness of the family whilst staying true to yourselves.
Personally, I’d just be upfront because to me it would be more awkward to have this unsaid thing affecting my relationship. Just let him know you’re aware of the messages, you don’t want to continue the relationship but you’d like to remain civil until your flight.
Redditors are big fans of casual hook ups. If you don’t like this type of sex and don’t feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who engaged in casual hook ups for sex – that’s perfectly ok. However, Reddit will judge you harshly for this perspective.
Personally, I view sex as an intimate thing between two monogamous people who love each other. I tried casual sex when I was single and it just wasn’t for me. My wife feels the same way.
Something more relevant to know about her is her view on monogamy and loyalty. Has she ever cheated on a BF?
Nothing wrong w that at all. Take her lingerie shopping and help her pick something. A nice gesture and a special treat!
Healing from codependency and not leaving the current relationship until you have the next one set up is so contradictory.
Sounds like you're not capable of being on your own.
You say that now but what when he's being embarrassing in front of people! /s
There is no competition here, he is grieving and processing her death
yes, very much. And remember, we don't speak ill of the dead, so of course she sounds like she must have been a wonderful person. But there's a good reason she was his ex, and there's a good reason why you're his current.
A friend of ours died, leaving three young children behind. It was a very messy death, involving too much alcohol, and behaving badly as a result of that. We all rallied round his widow and came up with an account of his death that didn't reflect badly on him and that wouldn't hurt his children (he had made suicide attempts previously and there was a chance that he was hoping to die while indulging in the stupid behaviour that caused his death – we didn't want the children thinking he killed himself because children often think it was their fault). We have never spoken ill of him in any way.
The upshot of that is that his eldest son hero-worships him. He's got himself a tattoo that is like a shrine to his father. He disapproves of his mother, and seems to believe that his father was perfect. I sometimes feel an urge to set him straight and explain that no, his father was a wastrel and died as a result of extreme stupidity, but I never will. It's not like his father is actually going to disappoint him now.
Marriage represents a dynamic shift, and this can make waves in a relationship.
Really the only universal advice is don't mindread. If she says she is just tired, believe her. If you think she doesn't find you desirable, ask her. Talk about your feelings, ask about hers. I-statements and you-questions only, and listen and try not to speak for a moment.
Also a lot of people go through this, I have on and off over the 12 years of marriage, and the main problem is that pressure is a mood killer that makes you both feel inadequate. You will feel like shit because she doesn't want you, and she feels like she isn't enough to satisfy you. Avoid that, and focus on each other's needs rather than the struggle.
One last thought, if we approach this taking her words at face value, as we should, then I would suggest masturbating together. It's a great way to bond and satisfy each other's needs but takes a lot less mental overhead compared to sex.
Do you even hear yourself? This is so unhealthy! Nothing about this is even remotely ok! Your wife does not respect you and you allow it because you don't have any respect for yourself! People who are secure in themselves do not tolerate behavior like this! You deserve so much better OP. I really hope you realize that soon. This is not love it's abuse. She is controlling you at every turn. This is not normal at all whatsoever. You should not be walking on eggshells and living in fear of your own wife!
What do you get out of this relationship?
Yea, it’s not like she went snooping purposely to hear. If my husband sat outside the door of the room I was sleeping in & talking about me, I would expect him assume at some point, I may hear what he’s saying.
So my view here is either he did it on purpose or was just ignorant to the fact that she could hear him if she woke up when he sat right outside the door.
No I just mean sometimes she comes over to me out of the blue or texts me, other times she’s venting to everyone
Which again.. was ur wifes choice. She's the reason ur in the current situation u are in and it seems ur focusing all on this dude.
Ur wife isn't a child sir.
Dude. Unless you raped someone you should NEVER apologize for your sexual past. This girl is a world of NOPE
Do not date her. She’s warped. She will always view sex as bad, even after marriage. You will be signing up for a lifetime of begging and duty sex.
You need to date women who actually value and enjoy sex. This will kill your self esteem. No woman is worth that
100% this.