Why do you keep trying to justify giving her this….stop thinking you will get back with her. This mentality is not good for you. The relationship is over, move on. I’m going to let you know why what your doing is a bad idea. You are obsessed with what could be. Eventually you will treatise it will never be and even if you do get back together later in life you will realize you never grew as a person because you made your life all about her. Time to tighten your belt and say “she ain’t my partner she ain’t me friend.” Grieving is okay, obsessing about winning her back, because this gift you obviously think is going to change her mind….grow up and move on. Your relationship is over it’s time to move on and stop asking everyone to justify your obsessive behavior.
“How I personally think how he should feel” and drastic change in friendship are the exact same amounts of conjecture. You have no idea how he feels about his ex other than he doesn't want his friend sleeping with her, and you have no idea how that 'friendship' has changed based on this post.
All you know is that he makes up the rules of who gets to have sex with who based on who OP has dated.
Your flair actually gives more understanding on this particular stance considering it's a very juvenile way of thinking; having rights to someone else's sexual life based on their history.
It is entirely your decision whether to keep the pregnancy or not. But it is also entirely his decision whether he wants to bring up a child. You'll almost certainly be entitled to financial child support from him – and the courts will order that – but neither you or the courts can order him to be a dad.
So you definitely have a choice: are you okay with being a single parent, or not?
Whatever you decide on that front (and I absolutely wouldn't try and sway you one way or the other), this relationship is probably not going to work for either of you in the long run. If you feel you've been pressured into abortion, then you'll invariably hold resentment against him in the future, and that's not a great building block for a long term relationship.
In future, try and have the 'what happens if…' discussion early on in the relationship, so you both know where you stand if something does go wrong with contraception etc.
We went to high school together and reconnected at a mutual friend’s wedding a couple of years ago and had a long distance thing going on before I moved her out here from California. She has no family or close friends in the area. She’s been talking to her abusive ex and trying to get him to move out here with their son. He has been sending her money for quite a while now. She has been throwing him in my face since we broke up about how much better he is than me.
Wow so he is happy for you to deal with all the ongoing side effects of birth control, but he can't handle wearing a condom during sex? What a selfish asshole
You should not be going through with IVF unless you as an individual absolutely 100% want to do it. No one should be pressuring you into it, the potential father included. Find a way to communicate that to him – a conversation, an email, a handwritten letter, whatever it needs to be. He needs to understand how you feel, and he needs to accept it. If he can't accept it, you shouldn't be having children with him anyway. I'm sorry you're struggling, and for the situation you're in. I hope it works out ok.
If it really truly bothers you after you process the information fully, you would be doing her a disservice by staying with her. But if you look back on the relationship and everything is literally fine, I don’t see it being a problem for you. The only down side would be bio children together, but imo there are plenty of kids out there who would benefit being adopted and you could also go the surrogate route if it’s legal in your country. You don’t sound bigoted to me and she clearly trusted to tell you for a reason. Maybe it sucks that you had sex already if it really bothers you that much, but honestly it sounds like you do care about her and I don’t doubt that your relationship will be stronger in the end.
She knows it is, and is scared to talk about it in therapy, ie: “be the problem.” Have you both ever gone to couples counseling together before? If it's an issue for you, it should be an issue for you both. She has to consider how shes making you feel if she wants to remain married to you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I know it's heartbreaking.
Op, you could have said no. You are just as culpable for the decision as he is. It's a deal breaker for me. You know what I would have said? “No. But if you want to sleep with someone else we can get a divorce.” Hurts, sure, but it hurts worse to do this to yourself.
Then she really needs to learn to be her own person. Sounds like you did the growing up bit well enough but your gf didn’t, which seems to happen fairly often when couples get together that young. You developed differently and she can’t cope with seeing that. That’s something the clingy partner needs to work on first and foremost. Of course you should be understanding but don’t give in to her demands. It’s unhealthy to have no life outside the relationship.
Do not lwr him do it if it's not so.wthing you want or enjoy. Don't let him guilt trip you.
Another thing, try a dildo on him first. After the experience, he can decide if it was fun and should he be putting pressure on you for it . Tell him you really want to lol or even better leave him.
I am a mom of 2 kids. If one of them scheduled anything on the day of the other’s graduation (any graduation) I would flip shit. Go to your graduation. Any family that doesn’t show for you is not a family you want.
Questions you should be thinking about to make this decision would be.
When did the distancing of your group of friends andvyour self start to distance?
Is the distancing from your long term friends a result of them or yourself moving on in your lives?
Is the distancing from your friends a result of you being more invested in your current GF vs other past relationships?
Does anyone else in the group have or had a GF which pulled them from the group of friends?
Is your GF pushing you to choose between her and your friends?
These are just a few questions for you to ponder on. The last question being the most critical one, IMO. If the answer to the last question is a definite yes, then you need to end the relationship. No one should be forcing you to choose between them and your friends/family.
She doesn't understand corporate life, and the worst part is she is unwilling to learn. You need to start putting your foot down and thinking of your money as yours again, because she clearly thinks it's hers. You're going to keep getting passed by other younger more dynamic men and women at your office if you're seen as the sap who has to do as his wife tells him.
You know what its like to be manipulated by suicide threats. Abusees often continue the cycle. Put yourself in your gf's shoes.
After feeling suicidal, and thankfully getting over that, your first thought should NOT be “why didnt my gf come?” it should be “i need help”
Did you even tell your gf you wanted her to come over to support you? or were u just assuming telling her youre suicidal would have her come running? if so, thats manipulation
An observer of what? Social media? I’m assuming yes since some of the examples you’ve listed of “liberal groomers” are currently trending on Twitter.
And what is it that’s actually happening then? Please, enlighten me.
Why do you keep trying to justify giving her this….stop thinking you will get back with her. This mentality is not good for you. The relationship is over, move on. I’m going to let you know why what your doing is a bad idea. You are obsessed with what could be. Eventually you will treatise it will never be and even if you do get back together later in life you will realize you never grew as a person because you made your life all about her. Time to tighten your belt and say “she ain’t my partner she ain’t me friend.” Grieving is okay, obsessing about winning her back, because this gift you obviously think is going to change her mind….grow up and move on. Your relationship is over it’s time to move on and stop asking everyone to justify your obsessive behavior.
“How I personally think how he should feel” and drastic change in friendship are the exact same amounts of conjecture. You have no idea how he feels about his ex other than he doesn't want his friend sleeping with her, and you have no idea how that 'friendship' has changed based on this post.
All you know is that he makes up the rules of who gets to have sex with who based on who OP has dated.
Your flair actually gives more understanding on this particular stance considering it's a very juvenile way of thinking; having rights to someone else's sexual life based on their history.
Move out asap
It is entirely your decision whether to keep the pregnancy or not. But it is also entirely his decision whether he wants to bring up a child. You'll almost certainly be entitled to financial child support from him – and the courts will order that – but neither you or the courts can order him to be a dad.
So you definitely have a choice: are you okay with being a single parent, or not?
Whatever you decide on that front (and I absolutely wouldn't try and sway you one way or the other), this relationship is probably not going to work for either of you in the long run. If you feel you've been pressured into abortion, then you'll invariably hold resentment against him in the future, and that's not a great building block for a long term relationship.
In future, try and have the 'what happens if…' discussion early on in the relationship, so you both know where you stand if something does go wrong with contraception etc.
Holy fuck. EVERYTHING you’ve said here is a blood red flag.
Pathetic
Thank you for your comment
We went to high school together and reconnected at a mutual friend’s wedding a couple of years ago and had a long distance thing going on before I moved her out here from California. She has no family or close friends in the area. She’s been talking to her abusive ex and trying to get him to move out here with their son. He has been sending her money for quite a while now. She has been throwing him in my face since we broke up about how much better he is than me.
Wow so he is happy for you to deal with all the ongoing side effects of birth control, but he can't handle wearing a condom during sex? What a selfish asshole
You should not be going through with IVF unless you as an individual absolutely 100% want to do it. No one should be pressuring you into it, the potential father included. Find a way to communicate that to him – a conversation, an email, a handwritten letter, whatever it needs to be. He needs to understand how you feel, and he needs to accept it. If he can't accept it, you shouldn't be having children with him anyway. I'm sorry you're struggling, and for the situation you're in. I hope it works out ok.
If it really truly bothers you after you process the information fully, you would be doing her a disservice by staying with her. But if you look back on the relationship and everything is literally fine, I don’t see it being a problem for you. The only down side would be bio children together, but imo there are plenty of kids out there who would benefit being adopted and you could also go the surrogate route if it’s legal in your country. You don’t sound bigoted to me and she clearly trusted to tell you for a reason. Maybe it sucks that you had sex already if it really bothers you that much, but honestly it sounds like you do care about her and I don’t doubt that your relationship will be stronger in the end.
She knows it is, and is scared to talk about it in therapy, ie: “be the problem.” Have you both ever gone to couples counseling together before? If it's an issue for you, it should be an issue for you both. She has to consider how shes making you feel if she wants to remain married to you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I know it's heartbreaking.
Your post about the sandwich makes him sound manipulative and this post isn't any better. He doesn't care about your feelings.
Then what's the plan? Tell him or what?
Op, you could have said no. You are just as culpable for the decision as he is. It's a deal breaker for me. You know what I would have said? “No. But if you want to sleep with someone else we can get a divorce.” Hurts, sure, but it hurts worse to do this to yourself.
Then she really needs to learn to be her own person. Sounds like you did the growing up bit well enough but your gf didn’t, which seems to happen fairly often when couples get together that young. You developed differently and she can’t cope with seeing that. That’s something the clingy partner needs to work on first and foremost. Of course you should be understanding but don’t give in to her demands. It’s unhealthy to have no life outside the relationship.
You HELPED him?
Jesus Christ, do people just not have standards?
Good luck
I was thinking the same thing
Move on dude. This is her trying to make herself feel better. Get it over with.
Karsh
The sex was un-consensual (you agreed based on an understanding it wasn’t an attempt to conceive).
Leave, before you end up tied to her and owing financial support for the next 18 years
Do not lwr him do it if it's not so.wthing you want or enjoy. Don't let him guilt trip you.
Another thing, try a dildo on him first. After the experience, he can decide if it was fun and should he be putting pressure on you for it . Tell him you really want to lol or even better leave him.
It's something you were planning your lives around though and now you have to readjust. It's fair to have a dramatic reaction.
I am a mom of 2 kids. If one of them scheduled anything on the day of the other’s graduation (any graduation) I would flip shit. Go to your graduation. Any family that doesn’t show for you is not a family you want.
Questions you should be thinking about to make this decision would be.
When did the distancing of your group of friends andvyour self start to distance?
Is the distancing from your long term friends a result of them or yourself moving on in your lives?
Is the distancing from your friends a result of you being more invested in your current GF vs other past relationships?
Does anyone else in the group have or had a GF which pulled them from the group of friends?
Is your GF pushing you to choose between her and your friends?
These are just a few questions for you to ponder on. The last question being the most critical one, IMO. If the answer to the last question is a definite yes, then you need to end the relationship. No one should be forcing you to choose between them and your friends/family.
He couldn’t have betrayed your confidence if you hadn’t betrayed your supervisor’s confidence in you first.
That’s why you’re alone ?
Thank you!
She doesn't understand corporate life, and the worst part is she is unwilling to learn. You need to start putting your foot down and thinking of your money as yours again, because she clearly thinks it's hers. You're going to keep getting passed by other younger more dynamic men and women at your office if you're seen as the sap who has to do as his wife tells him.
You know what its like to be manipulated by suicide threats. Abusees often continue the cycle. Put yourself in your gf's shoes.
After feeling suicidal, and thankfully getting over that, your first thought should NOT be “why didnt my gf come?” it should be “i need help”
Did you even tell your gf you wanted her to come over to support you? or were u just assuming telling her youre suicidal would have her come running? if so, thats manipulation