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Scarllet, ♥, 20 y.o.
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Date: October 18, 2022
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Yeah your gf definitely cheated on you.
ESH – your girlfriend shouldn't have cheated on you and sucks for that, obviously
But JESUS dude, you DON'T trick people into sleeping with you. If you had told this woman the truth – that you were using her as revenge and she should get ready for her friend to walk in on her having sex – she absolutely wouldn't have had sex with you. This was not consensual sex.
its just weird… (i am 37, male, married). I would never propose unless you have solid relationship and really know your partner. That means living together, both in same phases of lifes. Proposing without being together at least a couple of years is kind of crazy to me.
Given your ages, the short amount of time you've been dating, and his lack of transparent communication…. I'd probably just break up and move on.
Sounds like postpartum depression, invest in counselling now & be patient for at least a year brother
Dump her. Tell her you are jealous just for the heck of it and you don't want to control who she spends time with. Move on and there is a high likelihood that she will come crawling back
It's not about punishing him, it's about continuing to date a known cheater. It's not your job to make that all right for him. If he doesn't want people to treat him like a cheater, he needs a track record of not cheating. He doesn't seem interested in doing that work.
You can't get along. You hate his mother. He is selfish and spoiled. You can't see a longterm future with him.
It's almost like the advice writes itself.
You don't want anything?? It appears to me that you are owed something from him because he deceived you by his “pretending” to be the “man” that you married. Do not let “him/her” off the hook like that.
Also don't make an ultimatum , that's manipulative and wrong. If marriage matters more than just end it and tell him showing up with a ring and begging to get back together isn't what you want. No one wants to marry a person who has to be coerced.
Also realize if you stay under his boundaries you might become resentful. Be honest with yourself if YOU feel coerced into staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your expectations.
Kids and marriage are deal breakers in a relationship.
Communication is super important for a relationship.
The question isn't asking you how you'd spend your inheritance though.
If you give someone money, it's theirs and it's no longer any of your business how they spend it.
Not only is she in danger but since he knows her family members they’re in danger now as well. Sometimes stalkers go after family members.
His actions are illegal. Please explain to your gf that things like this could easily escalate to a dangerous point and that you are concerned for her wellbeing. Urge her to file a police report. I don't recommend directly confronting the guy, you could make things worse.
This isn’t true whatsoever. If you shower regularly every 2-3 days your body is used to it and definitely has benefits. showering everyday can result in many things that aren’t very harmful but can be. I know you’re trying to make a point but what you said is incorrect.
“you can always find a new dog”.
the thing is, if she stays with him she'll never be able to get one, ever, in her life. she needs to become okay with that. its a big deal for some.
also giving up your dog is an extremely difficult thing to do no matter how long you've been looking after it. ultimately, the dog is going to stay for the rest of its life, and the relationship may go any way. initial chemistry doesn't matter in the long run.
this is an incredibly difficult decision to make.
This is completely sus… I’ve had i phones for years your iPhone does not do that automatically until after 30 if u have it set like that but still the photos go in recently deleted album … check there on his phone … I’m sorry but this doesn’t look good for the hubby …. I would ask the kids what they do when Ashley comes over and what daddy does when she is there … kids are very honest just make sure they know they won’t be n trouble for anything they say … I agree with others check that deleted album but now he has prolly erased the stuff from in there too unless he knows your horrible with tech then he might not think u know about it …get a few nanny cams and place in the house and watch them … I’m venegeful so I would wait around the corner to see what’s going on … also see if your mom can start coming over in the mornings and just tell him she is no longer needed … fire her! Keep us updated
I also forgot about sex lmao. If I’m not showering for 4 days, I’m probably too depressed to want to be intimate. When I’m feeling better, I’ll shower and we can get down after that.
Option take her to Paris, its good but overrated also maybe divorce , the things she saidnarnt cool she seems selfish and like a bitch , but yeah maybe get out and do more things try couples yoga might be fun etc
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“you” the couple. The plural form of “you”.
It was noticeable to the point where multiple guys assured me that either they were gay or they “respected what I had with her.”
This is damning. If you feel like fighting for this relationship, bring up this point. Maybe the fact that she's embarrassing herself in front of others to the point that they are apologizing to you for her behavior may give her some sense of self awareness. She is young and may think her behavior is fun not inappropriate. The third party input may make her change her behavior/outlook.
This seems like it was written by a child making things up
Then why did you completely blame the friend in this post
She could never drink another drop of alcohol in her life and this could happen again.
I don’t know how to get her to read it naturally
she's absent minded, has a short attention span, and DOESN'T LIKE TO READ
there is no way to get her to naturally read this letter. there is no way to make her want to read this letter.
honestly, go back to the very start of your post and really meditate on what you wrote there.
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You got one kidney removed, but your cancer is spreading from one kidney to the other? I call bs
Your boyfriend is an entitled infant. He is a guest in their home. It’s up to him to adapt to them, not the other way around. If he doesn’t like the smoke or TV, his option is to move. Talk about a choosing beggar.
Meh. I dont even think you going on a date is that bad in your case. Your relationship with the wife is over.
Do not use your kid as an excuse as you why you are not divorcing. You know you are not bc you are scared of going though a divorce. Your kid sees your relationship with your wife. Do the 2 of you want him/her to learn that's what a relationship should be like?
Get a lawyer and start the divorce process.
You've explained to him what the problem was. Its on him if he chooses to think you would be breaking up with him for another reason. You can't be responsible for his future feelings
Eight years
Focus on spending time with your mom.
I am going to both assume and actually hope that you all are very young considering this post reads as teenagers. Truth be told, there is nothing wrong with your partner recognizing another woman is attractive as long as he doesn’t make a thing of it. This is all your insecurities. You asked him a question during his story and he provided an answer. He didn’t go on and on about how gorgeous she was or make a spectacle of it. He just said yes. Would you want to be with a guy that calls his brother’s girlfriend hideous? He didn’t say she was his type or anything disrespectful towards you. He was telling a story. I think you’re really overthinking this whole thing and have some growing up to do. For future reference, don’t ask questions you can’t handle the answer to.
But also your partner should be able to casually compliment someone without it being a huge deal. Have you never been able to recognize someone is attractive without being attracted to them?
For instance: It does not bother me in the slightest if my boyfriend were to tell me an actress is pretty/gorgeous while we are watching a movie or something. He could even call her sexy and I wouldn’t mind. He’s not meeting her, why do I care? He’s also more than okay to compliment my girl friends, as they are his friends too. And he does. He may tell my best friend she looks amazing in her dress before a party. Doesn’t bother me whatsoever. I know he’s not attracted to her, he’s just being a gentleman and she does look beautiful so of course he should tell her. He’s not hitting on anyone, just being nice.
Now if my boyfriend were to come home from work and say “my coworker is stunning and has a great personality.” Uhhhh yeah I’d be ticked off and we’d be having a chat.
I also have reason to believe their spouses do not know of him, as these two females conveniently don’t talk to him when their husbands are around and he’s even told me that.
If he doesn't leave for the eyecolor it will be something else in 6 months.
How would you suggest to hold her accountable? I have already made it clear that I have access to all her accounts, phone, laptop, ect.
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I think the right thing to do here is to inform him that you intend to pay him back in installments over the next however many weeks or months when you end things with him. You can put it in writing and have it notarized if it’ll make you feel less guilty. And if he says ‘no, you don’t have to pay me back,’ then ask him to text that to you so you have it in writing.
I'm wondering if it's also a requirement for her to wash her hair? I mean, hair can drag scents and dust mites into the bed just like the rest of her body.
Is she falling into the bad with a sopping wet head? That's going to sour up the pillowcase.
I can't imagine having to wash my hair and then have to use a hairdryer before I was allowed in my SO's bed. FFS.
Leave. He’s either a moron or a sack of shit. Being a Republican in 2010 was not a big deal. Being a Republican now means you don’t believe in democracy or human rights or even…reality. You obviously know this.
You guys want kids? Cool. What will you say when daddy teaches them that women and Blacks are second class citizens, and that guns are to be worshipped, and gays are dirty abominations?
There are no more good Republicans. At best, he’s ignorant and votes that way because he lives in a world of illusion, at worst, he’s informed, and he votes that way because he’s a bastard.
Thank you it’s so true
I mean, I don't think anyone should be ashamed of it, but it's okay not to find farting funny. I'm a literal comedian so I laugh plenty lol, I'm just not a fan of toilet humor at all.
The issue is how OP's boyfriend is handling it; reprimanding her for genuine accidents and talking about how it's not “ladylike” are both disrespectful.
yeah but he DOES want all that and wants casual dating to lead to a LTR in his words.
I have to say I am a person who would in general maybe try to work things out after being cheated on and not immediately drop everything. However I personally think that after an incident like that happening several times, I would draw the line and move on.
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Then we agree the female body has been overly sexualized. The answer to that is to walk around almost very hot? Are you by chance a woman who wears stuff like what I described here?
It's not been a waste of time. It's been you learning about love, about what makes you happy and what doesn't, about compromise. Lots of things that are part of your overall life experience. But it sounds like the relationship has run It's course and it's time to move on. Don't let him go off and try to crawl back – make it clear that if he goes, that's it. And then go have some fun yourself, try new things, have new experiences. You're only young once. You deserve better x
Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is decide if you want him to be in your life, knowing what kind of person he is.
You can't change other people's behavior. You only get to choose whether or not to associate with them.
If you wanted to pull the girl aside and have a conversation with her, you could, but she can choose to ignore you.
I will also say that I am no angel either. Sometimes my advice is unsolicited critism which I’ve been working on (and it’s gotten a lot better too) The problem is also that because I have ADHD I can be quite a messy person especially during periods of my life where I feel pressured by life (exam season this time) and because of that he feels that it is majorly unfair that he gets told that I think the pan he chose is too small and he seems to forget every other task he doesn’t do. He says he is always the one cleaning but it is just not true. He has NEVER touched the bathroom after I told him I think he is doing it in the wrong order (and explained) why it’s gross. He also sometimes leaves cleaning early after dinner and leaves me to finish the rest without saying anything and every single time I comment on something he brings up the mess. Whenever he does so I tell him I see where he is coming from (and I really do) also working on that and it has gotten a lot better but sometimes I slip up because I am human and also ADHD. I just feel that it is really unfair that I keep making an effort to do better and he still uses it as an argument every time I bring a flaw of his up. I am never trying to attack him but he clearly feels very attacked every time because how dare I comment on sloppy cleaning or bad cooking when I am sometimes leave messes behind.
Tell him you don't date over 30 as well, and you thought he was 28? He will be one of those dudes chasing 20 year olds when he is 50, gross.
Honestly? You are overreacting. He can't control who he does or doesn't find attractive, and you keeping bringing it up is making problems where there are none.
My only advice is to please get therapy. None of what you did is appropriate, and you do unfortunately already sound unhinged. You are in fact competing with a someone who is dead, and continuing the way you are going is going to end up 100% with him breaking up with you.
This is what a therapist is for. I would advise individual therapy at first, and if couples therapy is recommended, then talk with your wife about it. You know in your head that this has nothing to do with you, but you can't help but get the heart involved. Now's the time to work on it instead of letting it fester. I hope you can work through it. Sounds like you and your wife have (had?) a lovely relationship.
Make new and better sex tapes with her. Then you can watch them when you’re feeling down and see how much fun she is having with you.
This!! I have an ex who used to joke about “ass-r*ping” me, despite having used numbing lube etc a multitude of times. He was openly a sadist, but usually accepting of my dislike of pain. But I made it very plain that these jokes harmed my ability to trust him. I said an outright no to anal once he got some really big jewellery for his dick piercings.
I ended up breaking up with him for other reasons, but yeah, it still makes me shudder to think about those “jokes”.
We don’t online together, but he definitely doesn’t have someone else. It’s just extremely difficult because he only expresses things and then breaks up with me all in the same sentence
So…what you are describing is something called rape. You legitimately have every reason to call the police. As you wrote this out detailing his behavior, did any of this concern you? This is very harmful, toxic, abusive behavior. Please distance yourself from it immediately.
I am SO sorry that you experienced this.
Thank you for your bluntness. I appreciate your comments.
Why not? Theyre both illegal
I’d say well I know where I stand in our relationship. Leave it at that. Contact a lawyer if you want full custody and tell them he’s abandoning his child, giving you no details, and for all you know he’s cheating. Ask if they have a PI they use. Give the PI information needed. When your part we gets back, Game set Match. The lawyer has the information. The lawyer prepares custody/divorce paperwork. You have him served and say that’s where he set stands in the relationship.
I don’t know the why, but I can tell you that it is very unlikely to get better with time. If after four months you’re only having sex once a month, a long term relationship with her will likely be mostly sexless. If frequent sex is important to you, she may not be a good partner for you.
Where does it say they divorced because she was infertile? What information are you basing that statement on? And even if he did, so what? Is he meant to base all his life choices on her feelings in perpetuity?
Basically, you are making shit up based on nothing. “Bad vibes” lmao get real
Yeah you are right I gotta consider that too. Her reaction indeed is the main point, I did her trust her 100% befire she brought up the deal, then had she reassured me properly I would have trusted her again.
I think in the long run I would be happy with her because I don't think she'd want to do this kind of experiences for ever, but I don't know if I can stay in the relationship after a third heartbreak, that would be too much…
Maybe I'm just deluding myself thinking that there's a chance she won't cheat
I think when you felt the need to explain why lingerie would make you upset, it became clear that you aren’t feeling secure in boundaries for yourself. We all know that this is very inappropriate, you don’t have to send guess yourself.
I know you want to be kind to her and are glad she has friends, but you said she will hold on to them no matter what, and these aren’t good people. It’s okay to point that out. That this isn’t typical friendship, and you’re afraid she is getting used and might do something she regrets later, to be accepted.
She's a lesbian and you are her beard.
I'd be more concerned that you chose to stay for another drink by yourself (after your friends left). You already had enough.
I suggest you never do that again; and take a serious look at your drinking.
With respect to the guys invitation, I don't think you should mention it to your husband (unless you've cheated before, including an emotional affair).
However, you should take this close call as a wake up. You're experiencing mid life crisis and are overly susceptible to other men's attention. Consequently, you should implement severe boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage.
Maybe start off small. “Mom, what if I went to community college for a year until I figure out what I want to do?” “What if I just worked full time for a year before college?” Etc… Feel out her responses. Offer little crumbs of alternatives that you could work with. Have a plan for what you WILL do instead of just what you WON'T do. Then prepare for a big upheaval, if she's as controlling as you make it seem.
We've been together 6 months and we tell each other that we're certain we're going to be together forever so I wanted to seal the deal.
Oh no girl, this is a major red flag on your side, and this is as no disrespect, but this is bad.
If you’re spending ten plus hours with a girl and watching movies alone together whilst you’re in a relationship, you’re fucking up and you know what you’re doing.
This is coming from someone whose got loads of female friends For the most part we’d hang out with other friends and have some time one on one before or after a night out or a few drinks and a movie on occasion if broke but never consistently spend long time at home alone frequently and it was never flirtatious as that’s creepy coming from a friend.
One thing that did change if any of female friends were in a relationship or I was we then mostly went out with others and hung out with their boyfriends. Note a spoken rule, but anyone that respected this partner did this.
I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions to that rule, but you definitely aren’t. You knew what you were doing and went along with it and now you’ve pushed too far and want advice.
If your gf is already aware I would be really surprised as you seem about as discreet as a rhino at a tea party.
I genuinely don’t have any real advice for you as you’ve already fucked up.
This other girl may seem great but early on in relationships is called a honey moon period for a reason. Do the right thing by your girlfriend either way
Damn, good catch. He really is trying to get other women to DM him on here for sexual encounters, and then getting violent when he catches his wife. Not surprised he married her when she was 18-19 years old and he was 24-25.
If it’s at all possible, then you need to see a therapist asap. They can help you to make the decision about whether to break up or not, and help you work through the issues you’ve got going on. But either way, this engagement should not move forward currently. If you don’t break up, then you at least need to slow things way way down and ideally, you should move out.
There’s some dangerous codependency going on here and the whole situation is giving more red flags than the communist party. I hope you’re able to get some help to deal with all of this. Therapy can seem very scary but when you’ve got a good therapist, they can change your life for the better.
Clicker training might turn her on.
If you cant take it then just dont? Nobody is forcing you to be friends with someone who wont behave like you want them to
My sister had a joint fb account with her husband for a while and I was like
Y'all alright?
It sounds unhinged and utterly disproportional to your (innocuous! normal!) conduct. I suspect she doesn't trust you because she doesn't trust herself.
My brother is an addict and VERY HOT WORK. I'd still take him in, so I'm with you, truly. I just think OP could try options other than leaving his current situation to fix another problem.
It’s your dynamic. I don’t know you guys. Maybe if he asked you what you need, how he could help, softly tell him that found an advice for an independent teacher. Let him figure the lesson part out for himself.
This is a humble brag elitist sport outside of Europe just because if its costs, and he should be aware of it. Watch if he is trying to help you or rub it in in front of his family. That can tell you a lot about his character and intent.
Do not own this need to learn it by yourself or with him. This is not advisable. Blame it on me or an instructor you’ve run into.
The responsibility you have towards yourself and the group though is your mood control. The unspoken mountain etiquette is not to remain sour or sulk for too long. A hardened, positive, Viking spirit is something to rebalance yourself towards after being thrown off.
That actually applies to the actual snow sport as well. You will be always be physically thrown off and your goal will be to find your center, but that is something your instructor will be teaching you.
Try to turn this experience around, make the best out of it for yourself, your boyfriend, and all the people around. Imagine how they will tell each other privately what an amazing girl you are.. learning very hot, a beginner, getting beaten up, not giving up, and staying wonderful to all. You may as well be a keeper in their eyes.
Then therapy for your childhood issues, but don’t we need it all?
You are welcome.
It doesn't take much to get a 40 year old guy to start fantasizing about a younger woman, especially if they are not working for the same place (where career consequences are dire in 2023). It doesn't matter what their marital status is. The 'I'm going to miss you' is plenty enough words to be shared, you aren't old pals, you are colleagues. So an invite to keep in touch, is well, an invite. I've seen three men and women fall into that. It's not an instant spot of trouble, but a gradual process that has its built-in tension. Who needs it?
If you are in the same field as your mentor, then sooner or later you will cross paths and you'll have plenty to chat about.
Congrats on the new gig.
Find someone to stay with and confront her before hand. You need to get yourself together enough so that you can file for divorce because she’s a leech. She may be “mentally ill” but that’s what she is a leech.
I did and I’m going to try one more time tonight but after this I don’t know if I can do this much longer. I understand he might be mad at me. But to go days without talking to me or checking on me is fucked up
If she didn’t have the self control to stop herself from wracking up that insane amount of debt, what makes you think she’ll have the self control to ever pay it off?
well it was someone i did consider kinda close. But he was just being a dog, and i disn't know until my gf told me. It's nothing we've both agreed to never associate with him again
yup he's gone. from the both of our lives.
Wrong subreddit.
The best piece of advice I ever got to make marriage “cheat proof” is to avoid the situations where temptation could come into play. Don't go to hotel bars late at night, don't get together outside of work for a drink with a colleague you are crushing on. Getting together with an ex that you are still thinking about is a very high-risk situation. Do you want closure? Sure. Do you also want to feel desired and wanted and maybe act on that situation? Yes. If you want to stay married and preserve trust don't go.
Any dudes reading this. Pay attention. If you've ever thought you may no longer be attracted to your wife if she becomes pregnant or her body changes with age. You need to stop right now and find a therapist to help you grow the hell up. Marriage and family is not just about having sex anytime you want with the hard girl you've convinced somehow you're actually decent.
Be better humans and get it together or leave all the women alone ffs.
Op. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this in what should be one of you twos happiest times in life. You two should be madly in love with each other and wildly excited about becoming parents together and he just ruined everything with one comment. What a freaking idiot. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.
Congratulations on the engagement! ?
I'm not good at relationship but is it fair for him to “should have lied” though? There's always guilt accompanying lies. I feel like it's not fair for him to bear this guilt.
Happy dance!! I told you he’d say yes. Awesome. I’m also really glad you went with the ring. It sounds really special. Congratulations ???
Haha lmao just like my ex. He was I guess 'alt'. Parrotted vague feminist statements but also thought women were biologically less good at gaming, and he 'joked' he would throw me down the stairs if I got pregnant? Didn't find much respite from his male friends.
Yup, realize that now. Someone else mentioned that it could indirectly imply that it’s true if repeated enough. I think we’ll stay away from this one after this.
Also the mingling with customers to get them to buy champagne. When I first heard this I was a little nauseous!
Tell your kids what u caught her doing…. explain that u wanted to work through it but the effort wasnt made enough on both sides so u are chosing to be done w it as its obvious and she has actually told u she does not love u. Tell them you wont be used for support and benefits without being loved… make sure they know u love them, and this is all on her.
My thing is that he would rather jerk off than to have sex but when he wants something other than his sandpaper hands it’s then it’s my turn. No foreplay. No getting me in the mood. It’s just when he’s got a very hot on and it’s convenient. But then he doesn’t even last more than 30 seconds. And I’ve let it happen because it might be better than nothing. But I’m over it. I’m going to start turning him down
What are you talking about?
Just. Walk.
A mistake that put him in jail for 6 months. How will this affect his job prospects knowing he has a charge for assault?
Then you should articulate that with him, And express your needs.
Many people have asked you what is the division of workload and what you want him to help you with and you haven't answered. The original post doesn't say anything about that which is why you are getting the responses like this.
If he truly isn't helping with his portion then you need to sit him down and have an honest conversation about the expectations around the house. Maybe he does all laundry and you do grocery shopping or whatever.
But belittling his career and making it sound less important than yours because he works from home and has extra time is rude, petty, and makes me question why you are dating him in the first place. You also mention you think he is “privileged” for having well-off parents which shows me that overall you're just mad because he got a better start in life than you. Which I get being upset about, but if it bothers you that much you need to find someone else to date. Constantly throwing that in his face is ridiculous and solves absolutely nothing. You've been together for 4 years and are still harboring resentment over something like that, which NEEDS to be addressed.
Twice a week is fucking gross. Especially with discharge that comes outta there. She needs to grow up and take more showers. Use moisturizing body wash or just get over it and use lotion
Find. Someone. Else. That's usually not good advice but in this case it really is.
Yeah I agree with everyone else's opinions. She may not see you that way as she said. The proper question moving forward with your next fumble is hey want to grab a coffee, lunch, anything. You treating her like an object for your own selfish needs showed her you don't value her in any way except to get off.
And for the record ignore what you see on social media. Not every girl wants to be ravaged by a lab partner with nothing more offered.
So you BETRAYED her trust and behind her back read some of the most private things she ever written. Then you started SHAMING and JUDGING her, from the assumption you made from what you read, in which, on your head, she has no remorse from being an affair partner.
And you feel repulsed by her? My guy, it is her that should be repulsed by you. She years ago made a mistake, that you have no idea how it went and how affected her and made her be who she is now. But YOU NOW is someone that cannot be trusted. You are the only one in this scenario who should be ashamed.
She is. OP says that she dumped her immediately, she’s just seeking reassurance now that she didn’t overreact.
Unless you've discussed being exclusive with him, he has no obligation to be. Likewise unless you've discussed being in a relationship with him.
Have you? Thats the big question here. Have you asked him to be your exclusive partner? Have you discussed where you are at in terms of a relationship with him?
Because it sounds like he is dating at the moment. And part of “dating” means you will be meeting up with multiple people and going on multiple dates. And well, this one he is with this other girl.
It's 2023. Woman are no longer just passive participants in relationship. You don't have to wait for him to ask you out. You don't have to wait for him to bring up exclusivity. You don't have to wait for things to “just happen” to you. Sounds like you need to take the initiative to have these discussions and make your decision, and he will make his.
But lets be real here. He is more interested in the other girl based on what you're saying. He took her on a vacation…
I could be something he wrote for therapy purposes or it could be something he wrote because he saw something random that had nothing to do with him or you and inspired he wrote a cool poem.
If he wrote it for therapy he solved it with writing and instead of acting inappropriately. Instead of worried, you should be happy that he is capable of handling his own issues.
“Trust me bro, the don't even believe her government issued ID”
The life style she identified relaxes boundaries and involves her meeting men at some point.
Eventually she will meet a guy that she's attracted to (that's normal). That's why committed people don't do that.
She's either a high risk life partner because of poor boundaries or she lost interest in you for now.
In any event, the relationship you thought you had is over.
… What?? Your best friend didn't think to mention he had a sexual history with your girl?? That's mad disrespectful what. Also this sounds like she's trickle truthing you, just saying.
Note that “Do more around the house” isn't really simple, specific plan nor a request for a specific actionable help. So, because it's vague, it's likely to sound like a universal criticism of her character that, for example she's not motivated enough compared to you. Rather than sounding like an actionable request. While it may be true that, yes, you're more motivated to check chores off your to-do list and more concerned about cleanliness than her, that's not a pretext you want to let creep into a discussion. You're not siblings contending against each other for a parent's attention, constantly comparing yourselves to each other on the social ladder (Shame in other words.) You're equal adults who are there to help each other out when the other is feeling helpless, and work together to make decisions. First you have to admit you feel helpless and alone.
Talk to her about feeling burned out.
Then decide what specific tasks she can do that will help you feel less stressed at home. Look for the “low hanging fruit.” Then ask her, can she do specific task X for you.
You'll probably have to repeat yourself. “Hey, could you do me a favor and hang up the shirts, please, while I swap the laundry.” “Could you please grab all the garbage bags?”
Never be ashamed or resentful of repeating yourself a few times. Remember that all your favorite songs contain repetition, and you like it because it's repetition that's pleasant. A lot of people get shamed by their parents as young kids for repeating themselves over and over again so we get worried about rejection or judgement.
Never imply that you shouldn't need to ask twice in a day. That's really about making excuses and blaming your partner for poor communication. Good communication and good leadership requires repetition.
Feels ridiculous even typing this,
If you're using invalidation- and dismissiveness- tactics towards yourself, like the above example. Then I suspect you're using them towards your GF also, without realizing it.
but she is extremely sensitive to criticism and becomes very defensive.
This may be partly a learned response to you being dismissive, low key invalidaing, and not making indications that you're listening and hearing her. For example reflecting back what she's said or asking questions about her feelings. I'm not saying she isn't sensitive, however you don't have much control over her sensitivities or tastes.
Writing her off and labeling her as “overly sensitive” is a way of avoiding asking real questions about her own perspective and experience of the situation.
You do have control over whether you ask neutral questions about her feelings, frustrations, and concerns. You do have control over using reflective listening. Don't worry about her sensitivity.
Those skills are very useful in an adult relationship but they become even more important when you become a parent with a child who doesn't understand their feelings. Worry about how you can communicate most effectively and show concern, and show indications you're listening. Worry about setting boundaries when necessary. After all we're all just children inside.
I work a standard 40 hour week and sometimes an extra 10-15 with a side gig. Driving time is about another 5-10 hours.
That's a pretty over the top commute. Whatever your longest commute is, I recommend you consider looking for a new job in that field that's much closer, unless you're getting paid for travel time.
There are a lot of compounding costs, fuel, increased tire and front windshield wear, more oil changes, with that long of a commute. Not to mention the statistical risk of a major crash and serious injury goes up in proportion to the time you spend driving alone. So simply by working at a job with half the commute time it's basically a pay raise, and a safer work environment where you can leave half an hour earlier, in effect.
Hope this helps.
No on the integrity. And sober is a lot more than not using.
I actually do almost all cleaning because my wife grew up in a very abusive household towards cleaning and gets very overwhelmed having to clean a lot and work. Sweeping, mopping,kitchen, counters, bedroom, all laundry, all cooking, bathroom, bathtub, cat box, yard work. Literally the only thing my wife cleans currently is the toilet, and I'm ok with that. Even when I worked 40+ hours a week and she didn't work at all I still did over half the cleaning and cooked and yard work. I know this might be very hot for you to comprehend but some people have empathy towards their partners and are ok with taking time to build habits or finding alternatives. If my partner didn't have a driver's license (which she literally doesn't) I wouldn't just say fuck you your a child im just going to leave you. So no, it's not that I don't clean, it's that you had an ignorant ass take, just like a majority of the takes on this sub.
Hell to the FUCK nah. You can’t be browbeat into doing this. He’s being unreasonable. Fuck that guy.
I know you're unaware that it's shallow. But it's very shallow. If your goal is to fabricate memories at a wedding instead of make real ones, you're doing it wrong.
people don't generally like overweight people in their wedding album.
Most people aren't this shallow. So no, this is not a generalized feeling and yes you clearly do feel this way if you think it's normal.
OP should ditch her friend, it's very clear their friendship is not what OP thought it was.
or not included in pictures because they're unattractive.
Fat people are not inherently unattractive. This is your fatphobia talking.
I want to address the issue of him getting “mad”.
It doesn't matter how he is feeling, he has complete control over how he acts and what he says, regardless of whether he is mad or not.
He is choosing to take his bad mood out on you, because you are not behaving in a way he thinks he can control.
This is emotional manipulation. It is not normal, it is not kind, it is not loving. It is coercive and upsetting. He is deliberately paying out on you to try to get you to be submissive.
This is not a healthy relationship.
I have taken a photo of the photo inside the book to show my mother. Should I tell her immediately? I don't know. I cannot even talk to my father without showing my anger outside. It hurts so much.
I'm in the UK and whilst it's only frowned upon for men at the pub to throw that at their friends, calling a woman that is absolutely going to get your block knocked off. It is very much a highly offensive term.
It is not a riddle so answer clearly because you need to understand.
It's impossible to work things through with someone who won't take part in the process. She'll have to agree to ground rules to communication before you can communicate. Good luck, it's very frustrating.
So you don't trust the woman that had the baby and has been doing ALL of the parenting and keeping him alive for 12 weeks?
Why don't you take care of the baby for the whole of Saturday so she can go to a FAMILY party? I doubt you could and you would be blowing up her phone after 2 hours.
Many parents do 12 hour work days and still take care of their kids. Your GF is doing 24 hour schedules taking care of the baby! Waking up in the middle of the night. Her schedule is around the baby, not around you! She shouldn't come back early from dinner because you want to see the baby for 30 minutes.
call the cops for a welfare check, and then never see or speak to him again. he is abusive.
Hi hubby.
You're being cruel to your wife for no reason.
Your wife is the person who brought your son into the world, she takes care of you every day.
And you think you shouldn't take a moment to thank her for that and make her feel special?
I think that's pretty shameful.
It seems like he's insensitive at best, and racist at worse. Neither is a great quality for a boyfriend, but agree that you should just talk to him and try to find out more about what he's thinking. 4 years is a long time to date to only start realizing/seeing this now, but it sounds like in hindsight there were other red flags. Agree with this advice–maybe worth giving him another chance for you to understand what he truly feels. But, I don't know–it seems like you've lost some trust in him, which probably means it's best to end things.
Hi hubby.
You're being cruel to your wife for no reason.
Your wife is the person who brought your son into the world, she takes care of you every day.
And you think you shouldn't take a moment to thank her for that and make her feel special?
I think that's pretty shameful.
Say: Yes that’s true, but we gotta work with what we have and be happy. He will stop saying it.
I promise you are spending 500% more time dwelling on this man's trauma than he is.
I would add. Are we sure she was joking? Her friend making the same “joke” if it was that is worrisome as this behavior is going to continue and get worse if she gets away with it. She played a stupid game and has now won a stupid prize.
It’s literally their first relationship. He’s never even had a breakup before. They were preyed on by an older, more experienced person. It’s extremely insulting to call first time abuse victims “passive” as if this is his fault.
They’ve only been dating 8 months. And he’s been surviving just fine until she came along.
Frankly I’m proud he’s recognized it this quickly, I’ve known friends that took literal years to recognize their partners are abusive.
I agree therapy would help, but this person is being emotionally and physically beaten, and your comment is largely unhelpful victim blaming.
Yo wife a hoe