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Date: November 8, 2022
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Sometimes people need a good dose of reality. OPs parents probably think there’s no way OP can hear them from her room and must be snooping, and that might be why they’re denying it.
Recording it (from her room) and playing it back for them may be the only way to show them they’re delusional
This is based solely off of the dog argument example you gave:
“Communication” is as much about listening/hearing as it is about speaking. You didn’t like the way your bf communicated his feelings about dog-related distribution of labor, but one could also say that you were choosing to hear a criticism where there wasn’t one.
What he could have done better: asked directly, “Can we have a more 50/50 split the late night dog walks?” Rather than hinting around that this is what he wants.
What you could have done differently: recognized that this is what he is asking and consider this request on its own terms, rather than redirecting (misdirecting?) so that the issue is now his problems communicating rather than the distribution of household labor.
You could also tell him that, in the future, rather than do things himself so as not to interrupt her, you’d prefer that he speak up in the moment (if that is indeed what you’d prefer). This focuses things on “how we can do better in the future” rather than “all the things you’re doing wrong right now.”
I’m not “taking his side” in this argument. I agree that this is about your communication as a couple. But you should know that when one partner is overly fixated on “how” things get said, this can be a really good way of not actually listening to WHAT is being said.
When you find yourself getting upset about the specific way he is communicating his needs to you, try to set that aside for a later conversation. Focus on the WHAT. That’s called listening. Then, when you’ve addressed the core of the conversation, then you can consider how you would have preferred him to verbalize his feelings, and talk to him about what that is and why.
People get so angry when others have parents attempting to give them a more flexible and enjoyable young adult life and it’s hilarious to me. Jealousy truly is a nasty thing, it doesn’t reflect on her roommates character at all.
By state standards I was an orphan in college and getting on my own two feet fucking sucked until I was around 26. If I have kids I can’t wait to let them take life slow and enjoy college and being young. You can absolutely instill a sense of responsibility while helping with living expenses.
The sense of betrayal you have is disproportionate. What she did is wrong, but honestly, it has nothing to do with you other than deciding whether or not you want to be friends with someone with her moral standards. You are acting like she cheated on you. You logically realize there was no romantic relationship, but you obviously feel differently deep inside.
When someone says to stop gifting them as they don't return romantic interest, you should stop.
You hit the nail and the head with talking about how her actions don't match her words. She's not interested. Maybe she's not interested in dating or today or a million other things – but it amounts to the same thing. She's not available. Staying in touch with her and trying to make it work with someone who is not also trying to make it work will only hurt you. Tell her you need a break and that you deserve to find someone who treats you like you deserve. Then block her on everything, delete all pictures or whatever and move on. Maybe someday down the line in a year or so you can be friends but for now you need to stop trying to date someone who doesn't want to date you.
What you do is you leave him. He's 28 and he's not going to change, because he is selfish and immature.
You know what's in your future if you stay? Imagine having kids with him, and he'll be asking for oral a day after you give birth or when you haven't slept in days.
And sooner or later, he'll cheat and he'll be gaslighting you because you didn't give him enough oral.
Cut your losses, tell him to suck it and find someone who actually does respect you.