She was wrong for going through your phone, but it's really shitty that you literally planned on cheating on her and only didn't because it didn't go as planned AND you don't feel bad about it. Do her a favor and leave her alone.
Thank you for your words, I think it's both of us being toxic. He said that after I was sad and hurt that he doesn't listen to me and I acted jealous again about his new girl friend and the feeling of being easily replaced… I'm feeling lonely cuz we don't share anything with each other anymore, especially him. I tried to tell him that but what I heard in return is I am the one who sees it like that and it's my insecurity (again) I want to work on this. But he says he isn't doing anything wrong and I should do more and change And honestly I know I was a shitty towards him lately, I think I just had enough of this blaming and negative words. The point is he thinks the same, as I don't care, and from my side I think he doesn't At this point I don't know who is manipulating who y'know
This is the only reasonable answer. There is no retirement plan for SAHPs, unless you have something like an individual RRSP that the earning spouse contributes to. She needs to have her own safety net.
“That's what's up, did you have fun?” As long as she didn't sleep with anyone I don't see the harm in it. Just cause someone goes to a bar doesn't mean they're looking to get laid. Bars are meant to have drinks and have a good time. Now if she went to a brothel then I would be pretty mad.
Sounds like you have a problem with him smoking it. Even though you said you don't. If I were you I would try to support him smoking it but not as much. To eliminate a completely would be very difficult right away. And yes he shouldn't be lying to you, but I think he's more worried about disappointing you and that may be because you have created this expectation that he cannot smoke even if you don't mean it.
There are a lot of great resources out there proving that spanking is damaging and seldom produces the desired outcome. I hope you can make some headway with your boyfriend. Hitting children is a dealbreaker for me.
She's not forcing you, she's asking you. And frankly why the fuck are you even considering refusing? Why not show her a gram of respect and just do it?
Being exposed to prn is one thing, receiving it privately and out of the blue is another. I do watch prn but I don't like getting unsolicited stuff in my DMs. Also, if you re-read my comment you'll see that it does not deny the importance of the point of legality, but simply adds to it. As someone else has already said, there is more than one way to live! through the same stuff. I felt it was necessary to add this specific perspective and I stand by it.
To be honest yes he doesn’t take being confronted well. Doesn’t matter if it’s me or one of his family members he shuts down to everyone. I always make sure to have actual evidence but he in the past 1-1 1/2 years has gotten worse with accountability.
As a woman, I would find this request controlling and infantilizing. It's not about my autonomy, more about (1) giving me a chore that I have to remember or it's going to become this huge thing, (2) implying that it is likely enough that something bad is going to happen to me that you need to know I'm safe at the end of the day (do we live! in a war zone? The wilderness?) and (3) making this irrational fear my problem, as if my texting a boyfriend at the end of the night will somehow keep me safe. If I'm in a car accident, the doctors will fix me, not my boyfriend. If I get grabbed outside a bar, nothing about sending or not sending a text hours later to my boyfriend will help me, unless he also has to be told where I was going and who with and when I expected to leave, at which point I might as well be a teenager dealing with my mother rather than an adult spending time with other adults.
From what you've written you should part ways, allow him to move forward in his life. For your own course of action I'd suggest some therapy to look in to your issues, perhaps look into the medication you are recieving. You should both still be in the “Honeymoon” part of this relatively new relationship. I wish you good fortune and goos health OP
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For whatever it’s worth, this internet stranger thinks you did the right thing. There are a couple of topics that change relationship dynamics just by even being brought up as something wanted in the relationship, and this is one of them.
What, are you telling me no gay men have a woman…ever? What about all those straight men that learn they are gay. Certainly there are gay men that want to try out the other team. Especially if they have a high connection.
Yes I've been more distant lately, yes I've been less enthusiastic about doing certain things lately, yes I spend more time with friends now, but this doesn't mean I love her less.
Grass is greener where you water it. What kind of effort are you putting in to this relationship? Date your partner! Cherish your partner!
She's my special person. I feel we've been through too much together to just abandon us.
That's sunk-cost fallacy. Having been together doesn't mean you have to stay together – that should be a choice that you both make, enthusiastically.
You are just going to have to be there for her. And it won't be quick. If she loved her dad and it sounds like she did then her and her family are so lost right now. You will need to be willing to be patient with her and step up and take on the absolute lions share of every day household tasks. When suffering profound grief most people are scatterbrained. They will do half a task, forget things, lose things, stop halfway through saying things.
But she will probably still want to do normal things too. So if she washes up for example then says “I can do it” when you offer to take over let her. I hated everyone touching me and calling me sweetheart when my dad died. HATED IT. Basically what I'm trying to say is you need to let her lead on that sort of stuff. Don't get angry at her for forgetting things or tuning out mid conversation etc.
Do make sure you put food in front of her and her mum and sister even if they don't eat it. Make sure they drink enough water. Make sure they try to get some sleep.
I'm sorry for her and your loss. It's taken me a year and a half to feel slightly normal after suddenly losing my dad. She will eventually, life will never be the same but she will slowly start to live! again. Take care OP.
Yeah, solid advice. I've avoided any kind of ultimatum talk bc I dont want anyone to feel trapped or coerced, but we definitely need to nail this down before the wedding. Thanks!
I have dated since that. No, I would not tell my partner that. That was probably just a few times behind closed doors and that’s where my mind led me. I didn’t intend on hitting on my professor and respected him. It was just a nude thought I used a few times. Yes, I’m purely speaking about imagination. Just a fantasy.
You're gonna be asked to give the gift card number before you get there.
On the small chance you're not, you're going to roll up there and get jacked by multiple dudes for the gift card, your wallet and anything else you have.
This trap will get worse and worse because they need real help. It might feel like you are preventing it but without real help they will do it regardless if you are supporting them or not. 5150. It's not your responsibility to keep them from doing it, but it's your responsibility to put them in capable hands.
There are nice drunks and nasty drunks. Now you know which category you can end up in, make it a rule never to have more than two in a session. Learn the lesson and move on. And find a better outlet for whatever anger you're carrying, like boxing classes or running.
Um your wife perceives your continued relationship with a woman who cheated on her husband as a threat to your marriage. The fact that you want to ignore your wife’s feeling for your cheating friend is very telling. I doubt your relationship will survive with your friend staying apart of your life. I don’t see a compromise that will include you having a friendship with this woman and staying married.
You do that before you get married or if you’re married then you work on it together and keep each other accountable. This marriage isn’t going to last long bc of the lack of communication, commitment, and trust issues/honesty. You guys should seek out marriage counseling but it sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the marriage.
This. You hit the nail so nude on the head that I could practically hear the noise. I don't have anything to add, you put it so succinctly. I hope others wondering why abuse victims stay read your comment because these are important words.
You need to be honest about how you feel. Holding it inside will not help either of you. You may end up loving that child, but you also end up hating it and resenting your wife.
Now is the time to be honest with her about how you feel. What comes next is between you two, but you both need to communicate what's on your minds.
Well, you may have a point that I could’ve put that a little more tactfully. Of course, his feelings matter. They just aren’t a priority right now and the focus needs to be on the person who needs it the most. I’m not saying it should be ignored.. But he isn’t the one who was raped and is dealing with the physical and mental and emotional trauma. He needs to put his own personal feelings aside for now and focus on being supportive. Does that sound better?
The person you end up with if it’s not her, could have some other horrible thing happen. The point is you never know, and that’s life. We choose love and love chooses us. Be with the person who makes you happy cause life is short and too short to worry about the what ifs. Your parents suck.
He had literally decades to reach out and apologise but he's only doing it after your dad passed away? I suspect he's only doing this because he wants money from the deceased estate and/or he is trying to manipulate you into becoming his victim again. Don't take the risk of allowing this poison to enter your life
Why do you keep saying “we”? He fights like every problem is an attack and a battle he has to win. You cannot fix this. He can't fix this either unless he admits this is a problem and finds help with it on his OWN, NOT with you.
Is he willing to do that? Has he admitted his conflict style is immature, mean, and won't work with anyone long term?
That's the only way this is getting fixed, when he fixes it. Not “we”.
This guy is asking us for a way to change her mind or save this relationship without asking directly. Believe who she said she is. She refuses to be fidelitous, and she isn't going to start for you.
I feel like this has plenty to do with the toxic part of her last relationship.
To be fair u/tankobss didn't specify the friend's gender. How would OP feel if a male friend did that, without asking him if he is into guys or exploring his comfort? If you aren't into them, a friend propositiining you can be weird no matter their gender.
Straight men are afraid of attention from gay or bi men because they dont want that attention. But don't stop to think that women see unwanted attention from heterosexual men similarly.
Yes I agree. It really sucks though because we have been having so many talks with full honesty and vulnerability. I really tried to get him to give me AND himself more space and time to process, but he was adamant that he wanted to get back together. He did mention at one point that he has urges of revenge and doing it back, but he thought that it would just mess things up further. In general the way he talked to me it really seemed that he was coming to terms with everything. But I guess maybe he was lying to himself also. I don't know. Thank you though, I am staying at my own place and haven't talked to him since. I see now that a genuine break, breakup, or atleast sufficient time apart, is necessary
This relationship is absolutely not worth it and in no way healthy. He is using you and manipulating you and making you feel awful and giving you all this anxiety. That's not what a good partner does. He isn't worth and he is 40 he's not going to change at this point and it's only going to get worse. I wish I had someone tell me this when I was 23 and dating a man who was 41 at the time that I also met at work and also was living with his mom. It didn't get better it progressed so much worse and the way he gaslit and manipulated and then love bombing and then with holding attention and affection to get his way, really messed me up. I have never been at so much more peace as I was when it was finally over between us and I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. Please do yourself a favor and get out it really is only going to get worse.
So. in your state retreat is necessary. California doesn't even require that to use deadly force. Typically, most use the standard of fear for your or the lives of others.
I'm not saying the roommate had a right to shoot her. Aggravated assault for confronting an intruder in your own home? That's hard to believe.
Take the cats cuddle them and block them. This guy sounds terrible he treats you terrible. He cheated! He is laying unreasonable terms.
Do not let him move in. Get another cat 3 cats sound perfect. Or dog from pound
She was wrong for going through your phone, but it's really shitty that you literally planned on cheating on her and only didn't because it didn't go as planned AND you don't feel bad about it. Do her a favor and leave her alone.
Toxic and immature. Grow up and let it go
Thank you for your words, I think it's both of us being toxic. He said that after I was sad and hurt that he doesn't listen to me and I acted jealous again about his new girl friend and the feeling of being easily replaced… I'm feeling lonely cuz we don't share anything with each other anymore, especially him. I tried to tell him that but what I heard in return is I am the one who sees it like that and it's my insecurity (again) I want to work on this. But he says he isn't doing anything wrong and I should do more and change And honestly I know I was a shitty towards him lately, I think I just had enough of this blaming and negative words. The point is he thinks the same, as I don't care, and from my side I think he doesn't At this point I don't know who is manipulating who y'know
She would not think twice to do the same to you.
This is the only reasonable answer. There is no retirement plan for SAHPs, unless you have something like an individual RRSP that the earning spouse contributes to. She needs to have her own safety net.
“That's what's up, did you have fun?” As long as she didn't sleep with anyone I don't see the harm in it. Just cause someone goes to a bar doesn't mean they're looking to get laid. Bars are meant to have drinks and have a good time. Now if she went to a brothel then I would be pretty mad.
Sounds like you have a problem with him smoking it. Even though you said you don't. If I were you I would try to support him smoking it but not as much. To eliminate a completely would be very difficult right away. And yes he shouldn't be lying to you, but I think he's more worried about disappointing you and that may be because you have created this expectation that he cannot smoke even if you don't mean it.
There are a lot of great resources out there proving that spanking is damaging and seldom produces the desired outcome. I hope you can make some headway with your boyfriend. Hitting children is a dealbreaker for me.
She's not forcing you, she's asking you. And frankly why the fuck are you even considering refusing? Why not show her a gram of respect and just do it?
Being exposed to prn is one thing, receiving it privately and out of the blue is another. I do watch prn but I don't like getting unsolicited stuff in my DMs. Also, if you re-read my comment you'll see that it does not deny the importance of the point of legality, but simply adds to it. As someone else has already said, there is more than one way to live! through the same stuff. I felt it was necessary to add this specific perspective and I stand by it.
To be honest yes he doesn’t take being confronted well. Doesn’t matter if it’s me or one of his family members he shuts down to everyone. I always make sure to have actual evidence but he in the past 1-1 1/2 years has gotten worse with accountability.
For sure! My boyfriend is 37 right now and we're having our second baby in 4 months. You have time.
As a woman, I would find this request controlling and infantilizing. It's not about my autonomy, more about (1) giving me a chore that I have to remember or it's going to become this huge thing, (2) implying that it is likely enough that something bad is going to happen to me that you need to know I'm safe at the end of the day (do we live! in a war zone? The wilderness?) and (3) making this irrational fear my problem, as if my texting a boyfriend at the end of the night will somehow keep me safe. If I'm in a car accident, the doctors will fix me, not my boyfriend. If I get grabbed outside a bar, nothing about sending or not sending a text hours later to my boyfriend will help me, unless he also has to be told where I was going and who with and when I expected to leave, at which point I might as well be a teenager dealing with my mother rather than an adult spending time with other adults.
From what you've written you should part ways, allow him to move forward in his life. For your own course of action I'd suggest some therapy to look in to your issues, perhaps look into the medication you are recieving. You should both still be in the “Honeymoon” part of this relatively new relationship. I wish you good fortune and goos health OP
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Please don't get with anyone else until you have gotten this woman out of your heart. That would be cruel.
For whatever it’s worth, this internet stranger thinks you did the right thing. There are a couple of topics that change relationship dynamics just by even being brought up as something wanted in the relationship, and this is one of them.
Wait until you realise they were secretly dating when you were together ? just how long have the friends been keeping the secret ?
I would rather be single than have my wife clubbing.
What, are you telling me no gay men have a woman…ever? What about all those straight men that learn they are gay. Certainly there are gay men that want to try out the other team. Especially if they have a high connection.
Yes I've been more distant lately, yes I've been less enthusiastic about doing certain things lately, yes I spend more time with friends now, but this doesn't mean I love her less.
Grass is greener where you water it. What kind of effort are you putting in to this relationship? Date your partner! Cherish your partner!
She's my special person. I feel we've been through too much together to just abandon us.
That's sunk-cost fallacy. Having been together doesn't mean you have to stay together – that should be a choice that you both make, enthusiastically.
Yes
You are just going to have to be there for her. And it won't be quick. If she loved her dad and it sounds like she did then her and her family are so lost right now. You will need to be willing to be patient with her and step up and take on the absolute lions share of every day household tasks. When suffering profound grief most people are scatterbrained. They will do half a task, forget things, lose things, stop halfway through saying things.
But she will probably still want to do normal things too. So if she washes up for example then says “I can do it” when you offer to take over let her. I hated everyone touching me and calling me sweetheart when my dad died. HATED IT. Basically what I'm trying to say is you need to let her lead on that sort of stuff. Don't get angry at her for forgetting things or tuning out mid conversation etc.
Do make sure you put food in front of her and her mum and sister even if they don't eat it. Make sure they drink enough water. Make sure they try to get some sleep.
I'm sorry for her and your loss. It's taken me a year and a half to feel slightly normal after suddenly losing my dad. She will eventually, life will never be the same but she will slowly start to live! again. Take care OP.
Not at all 🙂
Yeah, solid advice. I've avoided any kind of ultimatum talk bc I dont want anyone to feel trapped or coerced, but we definitely need to nail this down before the wedding. Thanks!
You'll be using it anyways too
I have dated since that. No, I would not tell my partner that. That was probably just a few times behind closed doors and that’s where my mind led me. I didn’t intend on hitting on my professor and respected him. It was just a nude thought I used a few times. Yes, I’m purely speaking about imagination. Just a fantasy.
I agree that this girl is scummy and not a friend
But my two closest friends are people I’ve only known a year and the other about 6-8 months, so quick bonds can be made
But bonds usually don’t include going after your friend’s SO
Before this comment I just assumed he had a big ol piece.
Dude.
Come on.
You're gonna be asked to give the gift card number before you get there.
On the small chance you're not, you're going to roll up there and get jacked by multiple dudes for the gift card, your wallet and anything else you have.
Thinky with the brain, not the doodle.
This trap will get worse and worse because they need real help. It might feel like you are preventing it but without real help they will do it regardless if you are supporting them or not. 5150. It's not your responsibility to keep them from doing it, but it's your responsibility to put them in capable hands.
The advice is listen to your wife. I get that you don't like it, but this little tantrum is embarrassing.
There are nice drunks and nasty drunks. Now you know which category you can end up in, make it a rule never to have more than two in a session. Learn the lesson and move on. And find a better outlet for whatever anger you're carrying, like boxing classes or running.
Um your wife perceives your continued relationship with a woman who cheated on her husband as a threat to your marriage. The fact that you want to ignore your wife’s feeling for your cheating friend is very telling. I doubt your relationship will survive with your friend staying apart of your life. I don’t see a compromise that will include you having a friendship with this woman and staying married.
You do that before you get married or if you’re married then you work on it together and keep each other accountable. This marriage isn’t going to last long bc of the lack of communication, commitment, and trust issues/honesty. You guys should seek out marriage counseling but it sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the marriage.
This. You hit the nail so nude on the head that I could practically hear the noise. I don't have anything to add, you put it so succinctly. I hope others wondering why abuse victims stay read your comment because these are important words.
You cant trust her after that. I wouldn't marry her.
Make sure to get that money back and then show her the door.
The problem with that is that she’s part of my friend group. So like for this whole month I’ve basically been ignoring the whole group as well
You need to be honest about how you feel. Holding it inside will not help either of you. You may end up loving that child, but you also end up hating it and resenting your wife.
Now is the time to be honest with her about how you feel. What comes next is between you two, but you both need to communicate what's on your minds.
Well, you may have a point that I could’ve put that a little more tactfully. Of course, his feelings matter. They just aren’t a priority right now and the focus needs to be on the person who needs it the most. I’m not saying it should be ignored.. But he isn’t the one who was raped and is dealing with the physical and mental and emotional trauma. He needs to put his own personal feelings aside for now and focus on being supportive. Does that sound better?
Sorry, he was 19 when they got together apparently.
What exactly is pre-pubescent about a 19yo?
I am not excusing the age difference here but calling it paedophilic is just gross
The person you end up with if it’s not her, could have some other horrible thing happen. The point is you never know, and that’s life. We choose love and love chooses us. Be with the person who makes you happy cause life is short and too short to worry about the what ifs. Your parents suck.
He had literally decades to reach out and apologise but he's only doing it after your dad passed away? I suspect he's only doing this because he wants money from the deceased estate and/or he is trying to manipulate you into becoming his victim again. Don't take the risk of allowing this poison to enter your life
What can we do to fix this
Why do you keep saying “we”? He fights like every problem is an attack and a battle he has to win. You cannot fix this. He can't fix this either unless he admits this is a problem and finds help with it on his OWN, NOT with you.
Is he willing to do that? Has he admitted his conflict style is immature, mean, and won't work with anyone long term?
That's the only way this is getting fixed, when he fixes it. Not “we”.
Just keep your chin up. Different people have different experiences and different boundaries. The rejection is not on you, it's on them.
They are the ones who are missing out on you because they can't get over their insecurities.
But I'm curious OP, how does the topic of you having a guy best friend even come up on the first date?
Ding ding!
This guy is asking us for a way to change her mind or save this relationship without asking directly. Believe who she said she is. She refuses to be fidelitous, and she isn't going to start for you.
I feel like this has plenty to do with the toxic part of her last relationship.
To be fair u/tankobss didn't specify the friend's gender. How would OP feel if a male friend did that, without asking him if he is into guys or exploring his comfort? If you aren't into them, a friend propositiining you can be weird no matter their gender.
Straight men are afraid of attention from gay or bi men because they dont want that attention. But don't stop to think that women see unwanted attention from heterosexual men similarly.
The fact that you believe everything in your relationship is your fault means you need to end it! He’s gaslighting you.
Yes I agree. It really sucks though because we have been having so many talks with full honesty and vulnerability. I really tried to get him to give me AND himself more space and time to process, but he was adamant that he wanted to get back together. He did mention at one point that he has urges of revenge and doing it back, but he thought that it would just mess things up further. In general the way he talked to me it really seemed that he was coming to terms with everything. But I guess maybe he was lying to himself also. I don't know. Thank you though, I am staying at my own place and haven't talked to him since. I see now that a genuine break, breakup, or atleast sufficient time apart, is necessary
Sounds like a very pretty ring was involved….that she didn’t get.
This relationship is absolutely not worth it and in no way healthy. He is using you and manipulating you and making you feel awful and giving you all this anxiety. That's not what a good partner does. He isn't worth and he is 40 he's not going to change at this point and it's only going to get worse. I wish I had someone tell me this when I was 23 and dating a man who was 41 at the time that I also met at work and also was living with his mom. It didn't get better it progressed so much worse and the way he gaslit and manipulated and then love bombing and then with holding attention and affection to get his way, really messed me up. I have never been at so much more peace as I was when it was finally over between us and I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. Please do yourself a favor and get out it really is only going to get worse.
So. in your state retreat is necessary. California doesn't even require that to use deadly force. Typically, most use the standard of fear for your or the lives of others.
I'm not saying the roommate had a right to shoot her. Aggravated assault for confronting an intruder in your own home? That's hard to believe.
Now, you're going to tell us you live in the UK.