How can you live as friends when he hates you? Lied to you? Stabbed you in the back and lived a double life? You need to divorce, change your will/life insurance and get him and his family away from you!
She started blowing up on me and cussing me out repeatedly for something as small as like forgetting which day she was working.
Brew, if your GF is a pwBPD (person with BPD), she carries much anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.
Moreover, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder “emotionally unstable personality disorder” (EUPD).
What should I do? Should I even do anything or just ignore it and move on?
If you choose to stay in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, Brew, whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later. Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. In this way, you often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long.
Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.
Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality — and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.
Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).
Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her — i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing. At least, this has been my experience, Brew.
Maybe I'm jaded, but my mind immediately goes to her wanting to hook up with someone else or there's some trip she wants to go in and be single and then will come back after getting a little strange.
I'd just stick to the breakup. It seems clear that you guys aren't on the same page, and well, don't waste more time because of the sunk cost fallacy.
It's what marriage vows are lol sure if she cheated on him then that's grounds for breaking the vows, but she's sick and he already knew that.
I'm married and if my husband got sick, I wouldn't leave him. In sickness and in health.
How can you live as friends when he hates you? Lied to you? Stabbed you in the back and lived a double life? You need to divorce, change your will/life insurance and get him and his family away from you!
She started blowing up on me and cussing me out repeatedly for something as small as like forgetting which day she was working.
Brew, if your GF is a pwBPD (person with BPD), she carries much anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.
Moreover, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder “emotionally unstable personality disorder” (EUPD).
What should I do? Should I even do anything or just ignore it and move on?
If you choose to stay in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, Brew, whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later. Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. In this way, you often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long.
Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.
Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality — and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.
Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).
Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her — i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing. At least, this has been my experience, Brew.
What is?
I’m thinking the pic to your sister may have been an accident. That he may have meant to send it to some rando girl, instead.
Either way, you know it wasn’t intended for you.
Maybe I'm jaded, but my mind immediately goes to her wanting to hook up with someone else or there's some trip she wants to go in and be single and then will come back after getting a little strange.
I'd just stick to the breakup. It seems clear that you guys aren't on the same page, and well, don't waste more time because of the sunk cost fallacy.