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Date: October 29, 2022
Omg you know exactly how I feel! I absolutely hate it.!! If you donāt mind me asking what kind of genre was your ex in?
Iāve tried reassuring him with actions as well, his love language is quality time so I try my best to make sure he feels loved with his love language so he can possibly trust me more + not feel the need to ācontrolā me so much.
Better telling than keeping, keeping is always a problem in a relationship
Stoppppp ?
I'm just trying to explain the situation to get more views.
I have OCD and may be a bit of an overthinker. But anyway, we both put down our cards, but I locked mine. She wasn't smart enough to do that, that's not my problem.
The fact that she dropped me just for TRYING (god forbid) trying to form an equal partnership and share my views is proof she's a gold digger.
I even offered to talk about things and listen to her thoughts in her driveway, but she told me to leave and refused to come outside and talka bout it.
We could have had a constructive conversation and she failed to see how awesome I was. Also she didn't ask me to pay her back so I think she probably got a slice of humble pie
Also if I ask women upfront about going halves they ghost me. This woman for instance ghosted me when I asked if guys were expected to pay on dates, and only agreed to go out with me after I replied to her Insta story and asked her if she would let me take her out to dinner. I literally had to track her down on another platform and do something I didn't want to do just to get her to give me the time of day. Do you see how messed up that is for guys?
I would like to see this girl again and tell her that I didn't see not paying as undervaluing her at all, how can I get her to believe me?
Making medical decisions in case of a emergency. Might depend where you on-line.
Yeah, if a lawyer told me not to talk to my kid I would tell them to get bent, not ignore my kid for 3 freakinā years. Get real.
If the new bf loves her he will marry her anyways. Let them make that decision on their own. Itās none of your business at that point and you donāt need to financially support that or do criminal stuff for them.
Itās up to the new bf to step up, find a job and decide to support her. NOT you.
Curiosity here, is she over her ex?
Men are oblivious. He might just think you're nice.
Guys don't understand that sometimes a bigger dick isn't better or cool. Bigger dick can do alot of damage and can hurt whoever they are in.
I know itās none of my business but I feel that as a woman I have this weird obligation to tell her, Iām holding off until I can see if the ex boyfriend would tell the wife and Iāll see what to do after I speak to him, someone else said that the ex boyfriend could be lying which I guess might be true but why would he lie to me about it? Anyway Iām rambling and I wish I never found out
My husbandās original plan was to propose in front of our family and friends at a big event. We got rained out. I would have been totally okay with that, but there was also zero doubt of what my answer would be. We picked the ring out together, it was just a question of where and when he was proposing.
Have you ever read about how to boil a frog? You have to turn the heat up gradually. Same thing with your wife. By the time things started to get bad it felt like it was normal existence. Very few people get help at the start of a decline. They usually have to get bad enough that it starts to affect things like doing their job or engaging in self destructive behavior.
You answered your own question, why do you need someone else to tell you what you already know?
It's a throw away account because they're too scared to post on their main. These kind of people say they're gonna bred us out but make pacts to remain childless because they were spanked as kids.
If you disagree with me you're a misogynist!
I'm thinking he's a man of some age who is upset that his girlfriend of some age lied to him about an agreement they had, which he fulfilled and she did not.
After you didn't make it to the first dates you two had planned, she might have had the impression you didn't want to, finding excuses and not being interested, so that might be why she isn't checking on you anymore.
The timing was likely the problem. Her birthday or other standard gift giving times would naturally pit whatever gift you gave against others. She and her family went above and beyond for you outside of standard giving traditions and focused on giving you what you needed, not just what might be useful.
Knowing she needed a car, just getting her a car, and giving it on a random day to express your gratitude would have likely gone over better, and better mirrored what you received especially if you looped her husband in on the surprise.
I disagree with everyone who is upset you got her a car because “added costs” because they clearly didn't read her “before car” was a “beater” and likely draining her finances more than the new car would, as beaters do.
When I was 17, I started dating someone who was 14 years older. It lasted a long time, but looking back it was fraught with enough red flags for a circus.
It feels weird because it is. Iām all For dating older (I havenāt traditionally liked men my own age) but believe me when I say this, over 10 years is just too much. Youāll be From different generations, youāll have different social cues, youāll be in different places in your lifeā¦ and all The Living you should be doing in your 20ās, will get pushed to the background for their timeline.
Run while You can and enjoy your 20ās. This relationship sounds way too controlling and complicated when you should be having the time of your life and discovering who you are
Relationships get 100x more complicated when kids are had, and sex stops, and stress is a constant. Still an asshole for trying to cheat but i get it
Lol you ran away like a baby and still havenāt done the thing that you were so bent out of shape over. But I need to explain why you should have stayed. You lacked the maturity to have a proper discussion and reacted like there was no reason not to marry you yet 10 years later no one else has taken the punt on you which to me says you are not worth marrying as if you were you would be. He found someone worth marrying so did! You donāt control who married you do your question is stupid in as much as if he had said yes you would have married him!
Neglecting the safety of a child IS ABUSE. Itās the law
Well, if the fitness routine he made doesn't work for you then make your own. Just because he made it for you doesn't mean you have to do what he says. You can approach your fitness goals at whatever pace you deem better for you, same goes for a skin routine.
As for the game, the same rules apply. You don't have to play with him just because he wants you to. You can just tell him you're not interested.
yup, as soon as I read “he was always more mature than me” my red flags started to fly. if the genders were swapped this sub would already be having a field day with OP. it's all gross.
I had an ex specifically ask me my number in my late 20s, and I trusted him so I didn't lie and we were having a positive, deep convo. He got so angry.. so I asked well what's your number?
Uhh, about the same…. but, but thats not the point! He thought he deserved a sexually experienced virgin because he's an entitled piece of shit misogynist. Broke up on the spot.
I tend to blurt out things and have no filter. I've found a great partner that does too and we don't have to hide that part of ourselves from eachother.. since we are secure, our pasts don't cause anger and jealousy. They made us who we are right? If someone actually loves you, there won't be any shame or guilt for it as long as you aren't harming them by current behaivors.
Thanks a lot for the thorough explanation. It's hot to know what is him and what is the alcohol. It's very sad.
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My wife isnāt the mother of the blonde son.
You and your partner may just be fundamentally incompatible when it comes to their desire for polyamory and your desire for monogamy. That being said, none of that excuses their behaviour. They have absolutely been disrespectful when it comes to your boundaries, and have clearly been overstepping what youāre comfortable with. Itās clearly not a one-off phenomenon either, but something thatās been ongoing for quite a while now.
Frankly, you deserve better. It does not sound like theyāre taking your feelings or concerns into consideration at all. There seems to be a pretty clear pattern of them wanting something, you setting clear rules and constantly moving the goalposts to appease them, and them breaking those rules anyway. That does not sound like a healthy relationship. You are not wrong for being uncomfortable when they constantly disregard your feelings and violate your boundaries.
āToxicā might not be the right word, but it is controlling behavior based on not trusting each other and you shouldnāt be in an exclusive relationship with someone who you donāt trust.
Cut off contact with her. Trust me, it hurts at first but is worth it in the end. You need to find value in yourself and stop the torture her friendship brings you.
Your boyfriend is an airhead no? God my MIL was not willing to let him grow up. Completely attached by the cord
Even told us we wouldnāt last and told him she has a say in who he marries. And he put his foot down that he doesnāt appreciate her behavior will move out with me (living w his fam for personal reason and I pay rent and sheās mentioned constantly she doesnāt have issues w me living there just how close I am to my partner)
And sheās been nicer since then.
Tell your man to grow a backbone or youāll leave or just leave now cause mommas boys are work
How do we know this tho? What if he just doesnāt like sex?
I mean, people can change but Iād give more credence to what your co-workers say.
I'd die of mortification if I thought I was being monitored like this. Disturbing.
I get that, and reading your comment I think my phrasing does sound weird. I have been thinking about what specifically is bothering me but I can't really pinpoint it as my boyfriend is the same sweet, caring person as ever, and even though some of his habits have annoyed me in the past, it was never like this. The only major change in the last few months was my medication, that's why I'm curious if it might be a factor.
Struggling to not text my (26M) ex (25F) right now haha
If you on-line in an estate please go to your neighbours home ASAP and ask to use their phone to call police. This cannot go unpunished, and I am so sorry this has happened.
No. And leave this man. Heās making you choose now after everything you went through. All the pain, all the excitement. No. All the money that went into this, no. There is no guarantee youāll be able to get pregnant again. He had 9 years of you. He needs therapy or you need to leave him. He canāt base his father off of the one heās gonna be. So therapy or leave him.
Yep me too
I know it does, but honey, this ain't the One.
It's gonna be hot for a few weeks, then you're gonna realize how much time you wasted dating this guy and be SO much happier. Then you're gonna get back out there and start dating, so much wiser.
Your fiancee is either cheating, is open to cheating, or just gets off on the attention from this guy… at your expense.
She's lying to you and is inappropriate with other guys. Let me give you an old happily married guy tip: don't marry someone that lies to you and is inappropriate with other guys.
Call off the wedding. I'm not joking.
“Fiancee, this guy is clearly inappropriate with you and you're clearly just fine with it. In fact, you want to get 'closer' with him. I can only speculate about why that's the case, but I'm not here to set boundaries, or give ultimatums, or try to plead with you about seeing this guy for who he is. You're showing me that you and I have two different kinds of values about other people's place in our relationship, and hence I'm rethinking our engagement.”
I'm guessing the girl sabotaged the birth control and he was dumb enough to leave the used condom where she could get it. I understand birth control fails but two methods failing at the same time seems like a baby trap.
What about his multiple addictions makes you think he would be a good husband/future father?
Effin troll. This is far too delusional to be real. No way your gross ass snagged anyone.
Depends on the med. I was on anti depressants through pregnancy as well as while breastfeeding.
He's full of shit
You were already planning on what you were going to do with your sister BEFORE you even saw her.
Yeah, to a kind of intense degree. After mom says she thinks the sister is there, OP decides she's going to hang out with her sister, watch a movie, get some food delivered, all without even confirming if the sister is even there, nevermind if she wants to do all that. OP was planning to invite herself into her sister's evening right off the hop, with a family member she knows has a history of minimizing contact with her. I would probably do my best to avoid someone that insistent, too.
Lol. His actions aren't innocent and he confessed.
There was a full blown argument and he knew his wife would be hurt. He told her his feelings at such an emotional juncture.
Chris is stupid or knew OP was listening.
My bf was dead asleep the other night and started touching me, I thought he had woken back up but next day he didnāt remember any of it. I didnāt mind though lol. Just talk to him.
You need to stop. Itās really creepy that you still think this way and especially if the feeling is not mutual. Youāre fiancĆ© doesnāt deserve to be in second place especially if she is as great as you say. She deserve better and you need to seek therapy because this is not normal
Huh? Illegal? What are you going on about?
Drop her the screenshots and block all of them.
Sounds like my ex-wife. She didnāt do shit. Slept all day everyday. I would come home from work and find she had only been awake for an hour or so. At first, she took care of the house. My attitude was if you donāt want to work, you need to take care of the houseā¦cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, shopping, etc. She agreed. I worked and paid for everything, she took care of it all. That was great. Anytime she would complain about the mount of work she had, I would say if you want to get a job, Iām more than happy to split the home stuff with you. In fact, I would love help paying the bills. But then she would say that she didnāt want to work. ok coolā¦you need to take care of the house then. I donāt do free rides. Eventually she stopped doing anything other than existing. When I would bring it up, she would seduce me. After a while, that stopped working. Thatās when our marriage started to fall apart. Suddenly I was unreasonable and unfair. Even cruel. Noā¦Iām just not going to allow you to sit on your ass all day while I work hard to pay for everything nosy to come home and do everything. If thatās how itās going to be, I may as well live alone.
Get a new wife this one rubbish
I havenāt read this. I highly recommend fixing the wall of text youāve got here. I assume youāre hoping for engagement with this postā¦most people are gonna skip it when they see the wall of text.
What did she say about the deposit?
Dude, her knowing yāall fight and then receiving a direct consequence of your violent behavior are two different things. Maybe subconsciously, she will likely still recall that slap even if it wasnāt aimed at her and remember that you are apparently very prone to violence. If I was her, I would be wondering when youād turn that on me, and she may very well wonder the same thing. It doesnāt matter if you actually would, before you say thatā because thereās literally no way to convince her of that other than stepping back from violent behavior.
You didnāt mean to, but you crossed a line and you canāt unring that bell. Your best option long term is to stop getting into physical altercations. Step back from it. Do you want to cling to your idea of normalized violence or do you want the woman you love to feel safe?
I love my baby and could never abort.
Mark is in the wrong here. The happiness, faithfulness, and arrangement in their relationship has nothing to do with him, you, or your marriage.
It's her choice to make if she wants to be as we say, “doormat or she's incredibly kind.” She could be traumatized or stockholm syndrome. One never knows because we don't have the full story. But Op's husband is out of line. Why blame the victim, who is innocent and then give your wife such an ultimatum? In my opinion Op's husband maybe looking for a way out of his marriage.
Donāt contact your brother he rightfully so hates your guts
What a psycho. Tell him to stop contacting you and that if he shows up you'll call the police. Block him, or mute him and collect evidence for a restraining order, but stop giving in to his attempts to get you to communicate with him. I really hate manipulative assholes like this. Good luck OP
I agree it's very disrespectful. We are not in the honeymoon phase though, it's been over 6 years lol.
It's possible that he's keeping you at a distance because you have broken up several times in the past. Are you in this relationship for the long haul or not?
There will always be people who are able to do things better than you (Iām assuming Iām not talking to Michael Jordan) and worse than you. Focus on whether you are maximizing your own potential.
Also reframe winning. It isnāt about being employed (which might get really hot in the next few months) but whether you maintain being a good person throughout. Itās easy to be kind and thoughtful when itās all going well. Make your goal to be kind and thoughtful now.
And, as other people said, they key to enjoying your GFās successes are to make them your own (not in a bad way). Someone who is succeeding in life chose to be with you. Awesome. You have a great job in the family. Be sunny with her.
People date differently but at the very least it seems that she is not building much of a daily life with you, even after two years. A lot of life shared with a partner is āhanging out,ā doing the little things together, not doing anything at all sometimes just to enjoy being together, etc. It may be that youāre incompatible or in need of more communication on the subject, sounds like a compromise is needed.
Did she need to tell you? No.
Did she mislead you with a lie by omission? I'd argue yes.
Had she said nothing, then you found out and got mad you'd be the ass. The fact she pretended to tell you but omitted a pretty big detail, then get's mad at you for being upset about it? Makes her the ass, IMO
If she didn't want to get into details, she could have just said they had a history and left it at that. Had she set that boundary and you continued to pester her.. she'd just absolutely justified in being upset that you'd not be respecting her boundaries.
As is? She lied. “bUt OrAl IsN'T sEx”. Ok…. but it also doesn't exactly get captured by “making out and sleeping beside each other” either.
She lied, and you have a right to be upset by that.
Maybe I should try listening to her more, and making it about her.
Bingo! We found the winner!
Also yeah, slow the fuck down with the “I'd like to live with her” train of thought, I see your justifications saying you just meant you could see it happening and not that you're making plans but…
It's date #2 my dude don't even entertain those thoughts yet, banish that and be patient.
Otherwise my dating advice everyone always is Robin Williams as the genie in bee form
“JUST BEEEE YOURSELF!”
You canāt trust him. Thatās the answer. Donāt be a doormat.
Itās used in Australia. Quite frequently. Usually between men. Not sure how thatās sexist.
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Husband (33M) and I (32F) have been married for 10+ years. We have two young kids (preschool and elementary school).
He is very controlling, especially about money. He used to look through the grocery store receipts and would criticize if particular line items were too expensive. Even though at the time he had a comfortable 6-figure salary and no debt (house and cars paid off), we fought because he was upset about paying a babysitter for our first date night in months. I would feel guilty buying myself a coffee once every few months, and felt like I need to pay for it in cash so it would not leave a trail. He told me to stop paying for things with cash. After many, many conversations, fights, tears, etc. in the past year he finally agreed to let me get my own credit card. He would not let me get my own checking account for some spending money, even though he would know exactly how much went into it from my paycheck. (We are not talking about a significant amount of money here, just say $100-200/mo. because we have talked about how I feel constantly guilty and monitored. Also, though I'm not sure it matters, I now make more money than he does.)
He is extremely religious and conservative. So the above conflicts about money were couched in religious guilt as well, about “stewardship.” To his credit, you cannot say he doesn't try to on-line by his principles. But we disagree about serious issues like gender equality (he's “complementarian” — men and women are 'of equal value' but have different roles), abortion, and issues around sexuality.
Re gender equality: I am very successful in my career and very proud of myself for where I am today, but have felt guilty for not being the stay at home mom he would have liked me to be. He has tried to accept/respect my wishes, but it has come down to, he is not the person I celebrate my wins with. He's not my cheerleader who tells me to keep going and that I can do it when I am feeling down. I felt like I had to hide it from him when I was working very naked to take many interviews and negotiate very hot on my salary (which I did very successfully I might add), because he would have asked why I was wasting my time on it.
Re abortion, I lost one of my closest friends because he figured out that that person was considering an abortion and implored them not to murder their child.
Re sexuality, I think you can guess his theoretical and political positions. In daily life, he discourages toddler son from wanting to wear nail polish or jewelry or dress up (because he wants to be included with sister/mom). He once wrote to a group mailing list asking the women to dress modestly in consideration of their Christian brothers. When we first got married I wanted to talk to him about our likes and dislikes with regard to sex, but he shut me down and told me he didn't feel comfortable talking about that. I would be afraid to share any of my sexual fantasies with him, I think he would consider any roleplaying cheating or sinful.
He doesn't like it when I color my hair or cut it short. I've considered getting piercings or tattoos, which he also disapproves of. I stopped playing music when he is home, because he criticized it for its profanity or (music video) people wearing revealing clothes. (For context, I listen mostly to Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, etc.)
He is constantly tired and, it feels to me, joyless. He does not listen well, he does not empathize. He has trouble being interested in or enjoying something “for someone else's sake” — because someone he cares about is excited about it. He doesn't enjoy playing with the kids. We think he might be mildly depressed, and some have suggested maybe also slightly on the spectrum, but he has no interest in getting diagnosed or treated.
For many years he just did not hear me. All of the above are issues that I have brought up repeatedly, even gone to counseling for, but either he could not change them (because they were fundamental biblical principles that he couldn't change his views on) or he didn't seem to understand how seriously the issues affected me. But in the past few months that came to a head — I told him I didn't see us staying together if things didn't change. Suddenly he has been trying very nude.
He felt very betrayed. He said I wasn't honoring my vows. But finally, finally, this shocked him into change. (For example, allowing me to get my own credit card, suggesting eating out more often.)
But it doesn't feel like enough to me. It feels like too little, too late. I can't describe the feeling of powerlessness I felt over the past years of our marriage. I felt like a sane person checked into an insane asylum, you know you are fine, but everyone tells you you are crazy until you wonder if you are. I felt like if I were Isaac, he would be Abraham. Only unlike Isaac, I would fight, and he would carry me up the mountain and kill me to please his God.
It feels unfair of me — to give up when he's trying so naked. He's changing, why won't I at least see that out? Yet emotionally I feel dead to it, to him. It feels like too little, too late. I don't want to spend another 10 years arguing with him to earn some trivial “privilege” like having my own credit card, which should have been a non-issue in the first place. Life is too short for this.
But people stay with their spouses through cancer, dementia, addiction, debilitating accidents. I feel cruel for being tired of him, for wanting to discard him, when he wants to stay together, he wants to try to change. (But it always feels like, 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll be the bigger person and let you have your way' after rounds and rounds of arguing, and never, “I'm sorry. I was wrong. I should never have done that / treated you like that.”)
I will lose all of our community, all of our nearby family. No one will understand. He's a good Christian man, good provider, good family man. He will be heartbroken, he will be a broken human being if I leave. (Though sometimes I think that's as much because of his self-image of being a good Christian, husband, father vs actually loving/missing me.) He said he won't accept a divorce. (The Bible has very specific conditions for “biblically recognized” divorces.) We recently bought a house I can't afford on my own. I assume we would share custody — my poor kids! Not only would I see them less, I worry they will blame or resent me, especially with their religious upbringing.
I'm terrified. I feel like a terrible human being. But I want to be free. Aren't I so very selfish?
EDIT to add some of the things I appreciate about him: He is generous with others (donates a significant amount of money), does chores, works very nude, always remembers my birthday and our anniversary. He is honest (to a fault sometimes). He's VERY intelligent, likes to read to the kids and explains historical concepts well to them.
EDIT2: Clarifying a few things. People keep asking why I married him. The short answer is, I married very young and I didn't know better. I was encouraged to pursue a “courtship” model which emphasized taking dating very seriously, and he was my second relationship (the other one was < 6 months). My parents are divorced and, without diving too much into the background there, I was looking for someone who wouldn't be like my dad. I was (am? our marriage has really challenged this) a Christian myself so I semi-shared some of his values, or at least was sufficiently unclear on my own views that I thought I could accept his views. As I grew to disagree, I still tried to respect that he was trying to live by his convictions, even if they were different from mine. When I felt unloved or unhappy, I tried to "humble myself" and "put away selfish ambition" (re: wanting to work for example -- I stayed at home for many years) and "find my contentment in God" rather than "depend on people for my self worth." He has always been well respected within our communities, by people who seem intelligent and kind to me -- I can't count the number of people who told me "how lucky I was" when we were getting married -- so I've really questioned whether it's something wrong with me that's the source of my deep dissatisfaction.
Also, I have always had access to our joint accounts. His control has been less legal/logistical and more emotional. It was a recent realization how much I have lived in fear of his disapproval. For example, regarding separate credit/checking accounts, he told me that Christians should be “one flesh” and that having separate accounts seemed selfish and would pit us against each other. (He still felt this way when he was the breadwinner, so it's not just to take advantage of my higher income, which is a recent development.)
I strongly disagree with him in many ways and have obviously been deeply hurt by him, but I don't believe that he has ever been intentionally malicious. I would describe him as paternalistic, believing he knows what is best for us (even when,
I understand that this particular company, being male dominated, may not be any use to you in handling this.
When one of them asks you out, say that you will not date anyone in your chain of management ( above or below you). Tell them that asking you again will be considered harassment. You might want to follow this up to the Individual with an email going over this policy of yours. Now you have a paper trail. Frankly, all orgs should have policies against managers dating direct reports.
He didnāt fancy u, it happens, move on
There's nothing wrong with him or you, but you are not compatible
This is a really wonderful, concrete example of turning destructive desires into beneficial ones
If u need to do this, then yeah heās not the one for U
Wow, thereās a lot to unpack here! You put in all the effort, and he reaps the rewards? But he will call you out for not putting enough effort into things that are important to him. But what does he do for the things that are important to you? You see where Iām going with thisā¦.
Ultimately, it has to be what you want. If you continue on this way, what will your life be in 3 years? 5? I shudder to thinkā¦..
Good luck on whatever you choose! I hope you choose yourself!