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Mr.Dick & 8abycat, y.o.
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Date: October 10, 2022
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I (26F) have been dating my girlfriend Emma (25F) for 4 years. Recently we started discussing the idea of marriage and fetishes or fantasies we wanted to explore before we got married. All of them were simple enough and we agreed to explore them together. Up until Emma stated that she has always fantasised about being woken up by someone going down on her. She stressed to me that she didn't want to know when it was going to happen and wanted me to completely surprise her on a random morning. In my opinion this is assault and I don't feel comfortable doing this for her. I suggested that she give me consent the night before or pick a day to have a nap that I can wake her from but she insisted that it wouldn't be the same unless I caught her off guard. We discussed opening the relationship but she said that it wouldn't work unless she stayed with another person for an extended period of time, which is not something that I feel comfortable with. We went back and forth with a few more suggestions over the next week that were quickly shut down.
Yesterday I suggested that she sign a contract/statement saying that she gives me consent to do this for her. Neither of us know how she will be feeling on the morning I choose or whether or not she will actually be into it when she tries it for the first time. This will provide me with some security if she comes to regret her decision. When I suggested that she snapped, she said that I was being dramatic and that I must think poorly of her to assume she'd ask me to do this for her and then accuse me of assault. Although being accused of assault is obviously a concern, my main concern is that if she doesn't enjoy the experience she will resent me and hold it against me. I love Emma with all of my heart and I don't want to do anything that could risk our relationship. I feel like this is our best option and I really can't see any other way around this. Emma is aware of the post so feel free to ask any questions that you have for her and I will put them to her 🙂 We would greatly appreciate advice on how to move forward from this situation in a way that will appease us both if possible.
TLDR my girlfriend wants me to wake her up by going down on her and we cant agree on the best way to go about doing it where were both comfortable.
Edit: Some additional information in response to a few things I'm seeing repeated in the comments. First of all we are both women. Second of all, my view on consent is that if it is not given immediately or shortly before a sexual encounter then it doesn't count. In my opinion, Emma telling me she wants me to do this for her this week doesn't mean that it's okay for me to do it in two weeks time or whatever length of time passes before it happens. My goal with having her sign a contract is to have it explicitly stated that she has given me consent to do this whenever I choose without her immediate consent. Although I have her verbal consent on this matter there's nothing stopping her from denying ever giving me her consent if she chooses to do so. So in some aspects the contract is a selfish thing to save my ass if she turns on me, which i don't believe she would do but no one can 100% say won't happen. Another thing I'd like to add is that she has made an effort to fulfil some of my fantasies and I would really like to return the favour which is why i'm so set on finding a compromise rather than just saying no.
I feel like this girl needs to build trust bit by bit but shouldn't doubt the group or read the messages of her boyfriend. Or it would have been better if she was added into the group if she wants to know things. But to some extent she is getting to this guy's neck which might spoil your friendship.
Why's he's living with his parents at 26 and they have a housekeeper? He sounds like a loser to me, but maybe you're in a different country were living with your parents at 26 is normal? In the end everything he's asking really doesn't sound like a big deal, but he's does sound like a lazy person and that gets old fast.
So this is a pretty uneducated guess but considering he's had the same job for 20 yearsand is now 40 I'm gonna make a few presumptions off of that info.
Ppl do like to say things about midlife crisis' without understanding them. Most likely although I'm sure he's a decent guy he's most likely lived and underachieved life, 20 years at the same job would suggest he's been complacent and never tried to achieve any major personal ambitions or dreams.
Most likely feels empty internally due too so many wasted years and is trying to fill that void by partying This is based off the sudden change of behavior at 40 years old. Being confronted by the reality of death often makes people go a little crazy if they didn't live! a meaningful life.
I'd say although this is no sure fire remedy. But Try talking to him about his life ambitions/goals especially what he wanted to do around hus early 20's.
My guess is his now rekindled desire to online life to the fullest is being misguided. So try getting him to pick up a hobby or passion he enjoys that can fill up a lot of spare time. The gym is usually a good go-to for most guys.
Jorden Peterson talks about this stuff in depth and it really reverberates with a lot of men who are struggling with a lack of meaning and purpose in life.
Hope this helps, best wishes to you and your husband
She is to young for you. Find someone your own age to date.
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Have you actually seen this man or even seen him on zoom? Cuz every single thing you are saying, such as “his nearly separated wife totally knows about our relationship” and I’m sorry to say, but even his cancer diagnosis and treatment, is pretty suspicious unless you know for a fact, aside from him just telling you, that this is happening. It is just very unbelievable.
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No, he is a bad person (just like the sister). He couldn’t even have some basic respect for his dead wife.
Well, for bpd, it is not that easy. But now my bf knows about my condition and he understands. I am also getting treatment
Run. He's not in a space where he should be dating anyone and it's too much like a hostage situation to get back in a relationship with him. What if he threatens to hurt you when you try to leave?
You are allowed to dump someone after they cheat on you.
Find a girl who appreciates someone with the level of empathy you clearly have
He doesn't like your friends, and he refuses to do anything you want to do. Does he even like YOU?
Find someone who doesn't treat celebrating your milestones like a punishment.
Not wanting to be with someone is all the reason you need.
He makes you sad, that's more than enough a reason, how he does it doesn't matter.
Uhm so you pay bills because you are a man? Is there things she does just because “she’s the wife”? Are you cooking food and cleaning at all?
Thank you for this. I made it clear. In fact, she made it clear as well that she does not want to revive their friendship and she told me that she would feel shitty as well if she was in my place so I really like that she understands. But it was confusing for me somehow.. I’ll talk to her more about it
It's the same for me but my bf knows that. He assists me when I masturbate before/after we have/had sex and are fine with that. Sharing intimacy is way more important than orgasm.
She needs to be checked out!! She could be having some type of mental health issue, or something.
Couples therapy for sure!
I’d step back or otherwise cut her loose.
She has to WANT to end her own cycle of self-destruction. Not you. Not her parents. Not her siblings. Not any new “boyfriend” or fuck buddy. No one can do it for her. She has to do it herself.
If you care about her, you’ll let her sink her own ship and not watch her either drown or get her shit together and swim. On. Her. Own.
You CANNOT save her.
Who you are in the past matters a lot less than who you are right now and who you want to be in the future.
Who you are in the past matters a lot less than who you are right now and who you want to be in the future.
so she didn't think he was interested.
They literally told each other they were interested and started making out.
Fuck the lease and help her move. That’s how
I don't know why you're making the assumptions that the girlfriend will be the primary caregiver. Why don't you check that sexist attitude at the door?
They tell me that it wasn't my fault and I should move on, while a couple others have said she glances towards me occasionally in class, though the latter part means nothing to me and I wish I could just forget everything about this
wtf, grow up. we needs posts like this for people to learn. wtf is wrong with you