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Date: October 24, 2022
You cannot and should not carry this burden alone. That’s exactly what your husband is there for. Please tell him. I wish you the best.
You should tell him. 100%. Unequivocally.
Look, literally every one of us has our baggage. Physical, mental, emotional, fuckin’ whatever.
There’s about 7 trillion miles of difference between ‘having baggage’ and ‘putting in time and effort to make people feel bad’.
How would you feel if you knew someone was trying to hurt your husband? Protective? He feels that way about you too. Tell him tell him!
Friends are forever and I've witnessed many people being isolated from their friends and family by abusive partners. A good partner wouldn't cut off your friends and family.
You’re 19. It’s perfectly normal to be at different stages regarding independence and plans for the future. But you’re still right in saying it doesn’t make sense to continue a relationship when your plans don’t match.
I think you need to answer yourself the following: Is it possible her offer to come with you for three months is her trying to give it a shot but being afraid to promise leaving home and family behind long-term? Do you think you‘d have a shot if she was fine with relocating or are all the other differences too big either way? Plans for jobs aside, you seem very sure in wanting a family somewhere down the line – does she have an opinion on that?
That would definitely sting me, especially 10 months in but I feel like sometimes people say flippant things to avoid explaining how they actually feel. Not necessarily defending him but you have to think after 7 years of a good relationship, try to think of all the things has done right in that time, not one thing he did wrong.
The idea that he won't meet you until you're ready for marriage makes me SCREAM red flag.
Please, proceed with caution. You haven't met this person yet. Wait until you meet him to get too-too attached.
I would, sooner rather than later, meet him in a public place, with people around, like a coffee shop.
Trust me, i know you're going to think I am a jackass for this, but I've been dating live for decades. You do not know how things will go until you're both in the same room.
Even if you disregard the rest, just please be careful. The world and people can be fucked up.
Good luck.
Sorry meant to say MONTHS
i mean how important is looks to you? why does it matter what she looks like?
But they are renting it together. He is buying this by himself
thank you — I appreciate the time you took and for listening. Bless you.
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How is it embarrassing when it’s just between him and I though ? He had nothing to be embarrassed about . I don’t know why it’s a huge deal if I orgasmed or not.
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It true that they had a reason to arrest him but the way they went about it was wrong. He called them for a different reason. They talked with him for 40 minutes to the other issue and just when they were about to finish up they pretty much jumped him with no warning. He was scared so he started yelling because he had no idea what was happening. Lawyer thought he had a good case too the judge just wasn’t having it
To her, clearly no. She’s laid out what she’s comfortable with. You can decide how to handle this at this point.
The need for space thing is very real. It's not an insult. You really don't sound compatible.
It’s impossibly hard to lose your first love, I can’t imagine how naked it has to be to find out your first love never even actually existed. I know you probably love her with all your being, but unfortunately she doesn’t actually love you. She loves the fact that she can play you. That you believe her and believe in who she has pretended to be.
Run before you or your loved ones are on the news or some horrible true crime series.
At the time she was like “I can't wait to get to know him through you! I can suss him out for you”- he was coming to a party I was throwing with everyone. And she used that as an excuse to follow him.
We don’t need even anything more than your disagreement on children unfortunately.
What a stupid hill to die on
1 – He destroyed your trust. Therefore it's his job to rebuild it and there is nothing you can do to help him (nothing …it's all on him).
2 – You're being way to nice to a 33 yo man. He knows better and he knows his behavior is abusive to you.
3 – Love is not a solid reason to tolerate his abuse. Love yourself first. Protect yourself. Ghost and block him. He doesn't deserve an explanation.
and this is why you should be dating age appropriate people because you are on two different timelines i really hope you are using at least two types of birth control if you are sleeping with this man because he seems like the type to try and baby trap you .
I’m so sorry. That’s incredibly painful. If you reach out first, all he will know for sure is that you will forgive any cheating. I’m assuming that isn’t what you want. If he’s not showing any remorse it’s because he doesn’t have any. I’m so sorry.
Has she had a change in her mental state since you met?
And people break trust as verified by deadbeat dads. Women have to trust that the dude doesn't up and leave or cheated and is raising a kid somewhere else. Why can't a man trust that the kid he's having with the partner he chose is his? If we're just going to validate every illogical idea, have a PI investigate the man in exchange for a paternity test because who cares about trust right?
The ole “friend” huh. If you here them doing something vigorously at nights, it’s not moving furniture. You shouldn’t have married this guy in the first place, 6 years down the line, he’s moving a dude in, wants a second marriage and you’ve still never had sex? Get outta there
Gay man in his mid-30s here.
Your “friend” sounds like a bigot and idk why you are you trying to salvage a friendship with this person if they think gay folks are “disgusting fags.” Life’s too short to spend it surrounding yourself with people who don’t respect you for being yourself, because this shit will come back around and is pretty indicative of his personal character — bro is trash.
The ole “friend” huh. If you here them doing something vigorously at nights, it’s not moving furniture. You shouldn’t have married this guy in the first place, 6 years down the line, he’s moving a dude in, wants a second marriage and you’ve still never had sex? Get outta there
You're weird but you can find someone who accepts that weirdness. My husband accepts all my quirks. This guy just isn't your one.
My guess would be he's insecure and protecting.
Don't worry about how he comes at you. If you're feeling good about yourself and I'm good shape, he can screw off.
With that being said, just because you can bench press, squat and leg press various weights didn't necessarily translate to you being able to hurt him.
I'd recommend you taking the lead on pouring cold water on that situation, because obviously your dad isn't going to. One of you needs to squash it.
He doesn’t seem to listen to you re how much time she needs on her walks and diminishes the importance of things re her care. It demonstrates a laziness that indicates he would be a lazy parent/partner and disregard your input. Listen to your gut, I think it’s telling you something.
Lots of guys don’t like women who talk back….
Then again, lots of guys do. Leave him, and find a guy who appreciates you for who you are.
Thanks for explaining that the satanic temple is exactly what she was talking about, she went to Salem ma and then became obsessed. She does identify as a pagan as well, a Nordic pagan. She’s got German ancestry and watched Vikings and started doing her hair like lagertha, she bought a drinking horn and wanted a rune tattoo. You’re right I think a lot of it is superficial. She couldn’t tell me anything about witchcraft other than that she wants a witches broom,which seems almost comical. Most witchy women I know, don’t associate being a witch with having a witches broom. Her mom bought her embalmed bats on Etsy for Christmas it’s 4 bats in a glass case. She put that in the living room with a Christina Ricci poster (her as Wednesday adams) and the SB’s practical magic and girl interrupted ontop of the glass case. It’s like she goes from being a Nordic pagan, to a witch, to a goth, to following the satanic church and back to being girly and buying mala beads and overly feminine girly stuff on Etsy. It’s so much change so fast. She also told me she’s goth because her favorite band is nine inch nails and she’s been a vampire every year for Halloween it’s almost like she picks the most popular pop culture trends and runs with them for a month until she gets bored. She becomes obsessed
I would move on and find someone who suits you.
I would move on and find someone who suits you.
WAAAY too soon. The advice I always give (and have always followed) is to never get too serious until you see the very worst side of them.
It’s easy, especially this early on to see the good, the great, even the magical. Have you seen her when she’s sick? I’m not talking about a little cold; I’m talking about her simultaneously vomiting and shitting with a high fever and a smokers cough. Have you seen her angry or frustrated? I’m not talking “oh they put tomatoes on my burger when I asked not to”; I’m talking about her friend/boss/family member that made her so angry you can physically see the steam coming from her ears. Have you seen her stressed? I’m not talking about “slow Internet” stress; I’m talking bills are due and she has to find some way to pay them.
The purpose of this is not to see her suffer and for you to swoop in to keep her from feeling bad. The purpose is to see how she handles it. Will she push herself past her limits and make things worse? Will she know how to manage her emotions? Will she know how to plan ahead and problem solve? These are the important things to know and the things you need to truly build a strong foundation in a relationship. You can enjoy yourself when you’re good, but you need to know that you both can withstand the storm WHEN it comes.
Before marriage after years of saying and hoping?
You must be prepare for the possibility that you won’t get your family back—at least not in the way you want. And, be at peace with that. Continue to do the work to be a better person—for your own sake. It may not give you back the life you lost but it will help you build a better life in the future.
Before marriage after years of saying and hoping?
You do know that men also become less fertile as they age, right? Who knows, you might be infertile right now. Men seem to push infertility problems as entirely being a woman’s issue without considering that their fertility is part of the equation as well.
You were extremely toxic. Why do you think you are entitled to a hug just because you want one? Yes, he reacted poorly, but how often do you abuse him? I think neither of you are in a healthy place right now.
Because what the sister did is unhinged, and more expected from a dramatic 15 year old than a fully grown 27 year old.
It feels like OP is giving it a pass because of how things have turned out, but in general catfishing your sisters boyfriend is poor behaviour.
On the sisters end, it makes me think she noticed some red flags about him, tried to talk to her younger sister about it, only to be shot down all the time with excuses for him, or coming from him. She probably felt this was the only way to wake OP up and get her head out of the sand.
Thank you! And thank you for sharing your story
How can I let go fully? I’m catching myself in constant rumination and regret for the past.
It’s helpful to hear that she couldn’t compromise with my boundaries. It feels like it’s less ‘my fault’ looking at it that way. I guess the guilt that I did something wrong is what I’m most caught up about.
Thanks for the quick reply.
Hmm. I think that you have to get him to engage in a difficult conversation here and I'm afraid I don't know how you can start it. But you have to make him listen and understand that he's being very unfair in denying you personal satisfaction from your relationship. At least with the foreplay stuff you have a starting point as he already does that and should be willing to extend it for your benefit. Then take one very small step at a time into your new sexual world.
Hmm. I think that you have to get him to engage in a difficult conversation here and I'm afraid I don't know how you can start it. But you have to make him listen and understand that he's being very unfair in denying you personal satisfaction from your relationship. At least with the foreplay stuff you have a starting point as he already does that and should be willing to extend it for your benefit. Then take one very small step at a time into your new sexual world.
Sounds like either: 1) she changed her mind and just isn't into you
2) the other guy said yes.
Wait, four years? You were 16 and he was 23 when you got together?
Oh, OP.
Wait, four years? You were 16 and he was 23 when you got together?
Oh, OP.
What do you mean he doesn't like awards? Just say thank and move on…what an idiot
apologize. could’ve just taken an umbrella and walked home with her. i don’t think you had a valid reason not to
How do people with this level of insecurity manage life if their partner is bi? Are they not allowed to have roommates or go out alone with friends bc they are all the sex their partner is attracted to?
It is quite common for boys to do that. But what makes the difference is perhaps the circumstances around it.
For example, if he's using pictures of you for it, I wouldn't find that offensive at all.
And if he's masturbating to porn, well… there are women out there that do not want a partner to be like that. And in general, it's okay to set certain standards. Though to keep in mind it is likely you'll encounter it with many more men in the future if that is a dealbreaker.
Other than that… all you can do is communicate with him about how it makes you feel.
is that weird?
You just have to sit down and discuss it.
It’s healthy to have your own friends, hobbies, and interests and to spend some time doing your own thing. And you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it. If she doesn’t have her own stuff too and you’re her “only thing”, that’s codependent not healthy.
I’d plan a date night—doesn’t even have to be going out—but something you plan that isn’t just the usual weekday dinner and TV. Like we play cribbage and listen to music and have some drinks on Friday nights.
I’m busy with my hobby a lot (horses) and my partner leaves town at least once a month on the weekend to do his hobby. But Friday’s are usually ours.
I think some people have a twisted sense of normal when it comes to being partnered and living together. If you stop seeing friends and doing your thing, you’ll lose yourself and be resentful.
Make some actual plans with her though. Then she’ll feel like you’re putting in some effort.
If she cut him off….maybe…but the fact she still thinks that could go on as normal….it's laughable.
If you're in a relationship and something that lucrative comes along you make sacrifices I'm guessing she has a job that doesn't pay shit as well as taking care of the kid. If he has a chance to make more than enough to benefit all of them then she should go along with it and find a way to live with it
I don’t see this one as a strictly binary choice. Why can’t you be good friends, even roommates, who aren’t an item? You’d have the benefits of the companionship, financial flexibility, etc, without the cloud of the relationship that you are not compatible in standing in the way. As for the balance of housework, that’s really small potatoes in the grand scheme and sounds more like a red herring here.
I hate to be the asshole to say this, but I'm laughing at a guy who thought having a baby would get their sex life back. Making the baby, yes, actually taking care of a baby, no way.
I included everybody except your boyfriend. I would think that would be the first person you would check with. They all me and she got to have your seasonal work buddy in there over your boyfriend night. I completely understand that so I don’t even know how to read this I stopped.
If someone wants to break up with you, you just let them. You don’t beg for their feelings. Never.
Asking him to dump his friend or even back away wasn't OK and is a complete disrespect of his friensdships. I can understand your feelings you're also very young and he is too. It's too bad that he agreed knowing he wouldn't follow through he should have explained the kind of friendship they have and let you know he would continue to speak to her. From a female pov having a guy friend you can talk to is great, getting their opinions on things , mainly about relationships and I'm guessing they have some things in common. As long as that's all there ever was between them you should not be worried and what he could do is introduce you, you can see their interaction and that might help you understand
Asking him to dump his friend or even back away wasn't OK and is a complete disrespect of his friensdships. I can understand your feelings you're also very young and he is too. It's too bad that he agreed knowing he wouldn't follow through he should have explained the kind of friendship they have and let you know he would continue to speak to her. From a female pov having a guy friend you can talk to is great, getting their opinions on things , mainly about relationships and I'm guessing they have some things in common. As long as that's all there ever was between them you should not be worried and what he could do is introduce you, you can see their interaction and that might help you understand
If he's in a relationship he'd have to turn down all the other women at his College trying beat down his door for sex. /s
Op didn't want a real relationship, he thought he'd be drowning in trim while at college. Can't form any relationships, he has to stay AvAiLaBLe.
Dude “learning” his relationship skills from Revenge of the Nerds and porn.