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MICHELNAUG ( , ˘ ³˘)❤, 23 y.o.
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Date: November 22, 2022
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I think you are being a bit silly. You were the one who brought it up and wanted it to be instant. That doesnt give her anytime to consider it on her own time. Sure she hooked up with someone during this time – but the alternative is you coercing her into agreeing to something without giving her even a night to think it over.
I would accept it.
You're being controlling. 100%.
Get into therapy to work on your insecurity problems before you destroy this relationship.
He can kick rocks for all he cares tbh.
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Ok, so he has some social anxiety and didn’t want to be at a party around new people. That’s pretty normal. A lot of people are that way.
You were…angry? Disappointed? Because it was a special occasion (NYE) and you had a need to be around people and it felt like a personal rejection when he didn’t want to spend this special occasion with you?
So your needs conflicted. You told him how you were feeling (angry? Hurt? Disappointed?) and he interpreted it as a personal attack on him?
No. Not how does he react when you just keep Asking the same thing over and over or ‘how do you not know?’. What happens when you actually talk to him about the issue?
What happens when you say ‘Hey, let’s chat. I have an issue I’d like to talk about. Whenever I ask you to do something, you just say ‘I don’t know’. I’m having a hard time understanding that. Everytime you do it, it makes me feel like Xx_insert_feelings_here_xX. Can you help me understand a little better and help me come up with a way to ask in such a way that I don’t keep getting the same reply?’?
Or something similar.
What happens when you actually discuss the issue with him?
Guys are simple creatures, honestly he probably thinks nothing of it and doesn’t even realize it, maybe bring it up to him but if I were you I would just let it go might not even be worth showing your insecurity
You sound incredibly controlling. And there's no way you earn 100k a year.
The grass is always greener. It’s easy to be attracted to an idea, rather than a person.
Why are you still a SAHM?? Your youngest is 17. Get a job or volunteer or something. You’re just bored.
What do you want to explain to him? If it’s what you told us – how she’s more your type, then don’t.
What shall I say? Dwarf, hobbit, little person, or person of short stature?
Oh love, it exists and it’s wonderful. Just go slow and pay attention to what you need. Don’t be too nice and don’t be too selfish. I got clean and sober. As I sobered up, I realize that I wanted something more substantial. So I didn’t date for a year and then when I started dating, I did it the old fashion way or we went for coffee or we talked for a little while, and got to know each other before we ever did anything. I move slowly I married him and then had a baby with him at 41. And he died when my baby was six years old. And I have somebody I love now who is better than anything I’ve ever imagined, but it’s different. It’s like he’s stoic it’s got a sense of humor but it’s sort of old fashion and he’s kind of like a Dr. Spock kind of guy. Except he’s not at all he’s a I’ll be with you no matter what I’ll come to you when you’re sick there’s real love just keeps going.
It sounds like everyone is playing a different game than you.
Let’s call the name of the game “Happy Families”
The rules of the games are unclear, but part of it seems to be: -Contact each other regularly -Visit each other quite regularly -Act like you are a believing Christian -Hide parts of your life that don’t maintain a picture of the family that is following these rules.
The prize for skilled players seems to be: -Your ego gets stroked by the others in the family -You do not get put down by others implicitly or explicitly -You can expect support from others and can feel you belong within the family.
This makes sense of what your brothers are telling you.
You may have difficulty following unspoken and somewhat inconsistent rules if you are not neurotypical or have internalised rules based on what your family says rather than what they do.
If that is the case, I suggest:
Watch what they do as well as what they say.
When listening to what they say, reflect on what they expect to achieve by saying it, without assuming they literally mean what they say.
Say very little yourself and let them talk about themselves. Stroke their egos. Pretend you do fit in with the family and that you see yourself as being accepted (do not draw attention to the stigma they are used to placing on you and do not allow yourself to feel any shame for being who you are any more than they feel shame for their form of Christianity.
At some points you may decide to make new boundaries depending on how they play the game and what the rest of the unspoken rules of playing “Happy Families” is in the case of your particular family.
Your post lacks a question. As per Rule 2, all posts must feature a question that you want specifically answering. We don't host, rants, vents, letters to other people, poetry, journal entries, hypotheticals or 'what would you do' posts, or reflections on past experiences to give other people lessons.
We are here for you to ask specific relationship issue with a current relationship you have right now, in this moment.
Congratulations!! Did she drive herself home after drinking on a date with you? “Entitlement?” If you say so…
Maybe he's attracted to you, the whole package. And wouldn't want to change a thing about you because he thinks you're just so darn perfect as you are.
Question: how much and how often do you drink?
Bro, you really need to outline how much kids matter to you.
You weren't kidding, and you weren't “being mean”. Those are feelings you really hold and you need to process them.
If your SO doesn't want kids, it is most likely she won't change her mind. It is also that having kids is very unfortunately something that impacts women exponentially more than men. It is HER body that will be changing- most likely forever. From major life altering issues like Hips being displaced/pelvic floor prolapsing, and her walk/exercise being impacted, to small like a c-section scar. She'll literally bear the physical consequences for each child she has.
Most women statistically also do the majority of mental load housework, childcare and childrearing. Women statistically give up their careers as well as their traveling ideas.
If she's worried about any of the above, what are YOU doing to reassure her, op?
IF that doesn't apply to her, and she just doesn't want kids, then you're out of luck.
What are you willing to give up for raising kids and helping her heal from childbirth if she “changes her mind”?
I think you are so close to the issue you can’t see how damaging it is to you and your son. It’s not enough though for him to be an excellent husband and father some of the time when other times he is emotionally unstable or manipulative. I’d encourage you read about passive aggression and the impact it has. I’ve commented elsewhere that I’ve lived with someone like this. It’s destabilising and you question yourself a lot, especially when they are being nice. I used to think ‘surely this isn’t enough to leave a marriage for?’ But it is.
Then she needs to be in therapy and you need to stand your ground. This is a boundary she has no choice but to respect if she wants the relationship to continue.