I think he doesn't want the divorce not because he's concerned about you but because he's concerned about losing money. He has already made it clear that he doesn't care about you. Do you want your daughter to have a marriage like yours? She'll grow up thinking this is normal or resenting both of you for only staying together because of her. Talk to a lawyer.
I may be stupid but it sounds like he cares a lot about you and wants to help you get your degree so you can get better jobs which would make you less dependent on him, not more. If I were you I would take it with two provisions: 1. If you don’t finish your thesis in 6 months you get a job regardless 2. This doesn’t change the dynamics between you two, meaning he doesn’t get the upper hand in relationship issues.
I'd be asking about future plans and taking a look at how he spends his time. I personally would not care if my partner worked a job, but I would need them to have some kind of interest or vocation. Volunteering, painting, writing, gardening, something that was a net good.
Speaking as a professional boudoir model, OF model (not porn, and no full nudity or topless), and someone in a committed, long term relationship with the man I sincerely hope to marry…
What happened is not okay OP. HOWEVER (and this is very important), do NOT make your wife feel bas or ashamed for doing this. Please. I can guarantee, she did this because she thought it would make you happy and I can also guarantee that this was a slippery slope she fell down.
It is extremely common for photographers to pressure models into doing more than they’re comfortable. Especially new photographers that don’t really have a reputation to risk. You show up for a fully covered lingerie shoot, and then welllll… this sheer piece isn’t that sheer, you won’t be able to see through it in the pics. And this crotchless piece won’t even show, I’ll make sure! And the pasties would ruin this look, I bet you won’t be able to see your nipples anyways… and if we do full topless I’ll make sure to hide everything with angles, and if you can see anything I’ll just delete it… I promise…
This is like… the #1 scummy technique people use. You’re there, typically alone, isolated (in a studio, house, or hotel room), generally physically weaker than the photographer, and you already have 90% of your clothes off. You’re in an extremely vulnerable position, it’s hot to say no. And they keep pushing until you give in. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.
If she just “went along with it,” I’m 99% certain that it was something like that. “Oh come on [wife], just think of how much OP will love it! It’s your anniversary, and it’s not like he hasn’t seen any of that before. Plus, I’m his friend and a professional! You can trust me, right?”
Your friend took advantage of your wife, and I’m sure she already feels somewhat uncomfortable with this whole situation. Please try to be kind but firm, and let her know that while you appreciate the gesture, and she looks gorgeous in the pics, you’d rather keep that between you two. You don’t need a physical picture because you’re always thinking of her. That kind of stuff.
Let her also know that if she does want to do more shoots like this (and be clear and establish YOUR boundaries, so you’re comfortable with it. My bf doesn’t care if I’m running around in a bikini with no signal (beach) for a whole day with my favorite photographer, but he doesn’t want me posing with other guys, so I don’t), you’d rather have her be fully clothed/in lingerie/not naked/whatever and help her find a reputable photographer (NOT YOUR FRIEND). It can be really empowering to see yourself that way, and that’s one reason I do what I do.
Considering that OP and the boyfriend are both SA survivors, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s internalized the abuse he may have experienced and deflected it back at her
yeah this guy really sounds like a dick – i don’t blame you for questioning this decision
Fuck it, let her, have some self-respect man. If you won't noone will, especially not her lol.
What proof do you have exactly?
I think he doesn't want the divorce not because he's concerned about you but because he's concerned about losing money. He has already made it clear that he doesn't care about you. Do you want your daughter to have a marriage like yours? She'll grow up thinking this is normal or resenting both of you for only staying together because of her. Talk to a lawyer.
I may be stupid but it sounds like he cares a lot about you and wants to help you get your degree so you can get better jobs which would make you less dependent on him, not more. If I were you I would take it with two provisions: 1. If you don’t finish your thesis in 6 months you get a job regardless 2. This doesn’t change the dynamics between you two, meaning he doesn’t get the upper hand in relationship issues.
I'd be asking about future plans and taking a look at how he spends his time. I personally would not care if my partner worked a job, but I would need them to have some kind of interest or vocation. Volunteering, painting, writing, gardening, something that was a net good.
So he’s not going to follow a schedule.
He thinks you will do it like his mom.
It’s a you problem because he doesn’t have one.
Speaking as a professional boudoir model, OF model (not porn, and no full nudity or topless), and someone in a committed, long term relationship with the man I sincerely hope to marry…
What happened is not okay OP. HOWEVER (and this is very important), do NOT make your wife feel bas or ashamed for doing this. Please. I can guarantee, she did this because she thought it would make you happy and I can also guarantee that this was a slippery slope she fell down.
It is extremely common for photographers to pressure models into doing more than they’re comfortable. Especially new photographers that don’t really have a reputation to risk. You show up for a fully covered lingerie shoot, and then welllll… this sheer piece isn’t that sheer, you won’t be able to see through it in the pics. And this crotchless piece won’t even show, I’ll make sure! And the pasties would ruin this look, I bet you won’t be able to see your nipples anyways… and if we do full topless I’ll make sure to hide everything with angles, and if you can see anything I’ll just delete it… I promise…
This is like… the #1 scummy technique people use. You’re there, typically alone, isolated (in a studio, house, or hotel room), generally physically weaker than the photographer, and you already have 90% of your clothes off. You’re in an extremely vulnerable position, it’s hot to say no. And they keep pushing until you give in. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.
If she just “went along with it,” I’m 99% certain that it was something like that. “Oh come on [wife], just think of how much OP will love it! It’s your anniversary, and it’s not like he hasn’t seen any of that before. Plus, I’m his friend and a professional! You can trust me, right?”
Your friend took advantage of your wife, and I’m sure she already feels somewhat uncomfortable with this whole situation. Please try to be kind but firm, and let her know that while you appreciate the gesture, and she looks gorgeous in the pics, you’d rather keep that between you two. You don’t need a physical picture because you’re always thinking of her. That kind of stuff.
Let her also know that if she does want to do more shoots like this (and be clear and establish YOUR boundaries, so you’re comfortable with it. My bf doesn’t care if I’m running around in a bikini with no signal (beach) for a whole day with my favorite photographer, but he doesn’t want me posing with other guys, so I don’t), you’d rather have her be fully clothed/in lingerie/not naked/whatever and help her find a reputable photographer (NOT YOUR FRIEND). It can be really empowering to see yourself that way, and that’s one reason I do what I do.
Best of luck to both of you
Considering that OP and the boyfriend are both SA survivors, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s internalized the abuse he may have experienced and deflected it back at her
Then why are you defending someone comparing the two?
I’m intrigued, what’s plan Z?