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Date: November 13, 2022
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You’re welcome to disagree, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret that has kept faith and trust going in my relationship. I would rather my wife be a little upset in the moment and allow her the opportunity to work through those feelings herself, than for her to find out later down the road that I lied to her and made that choice for her. All that would reveal to her is that I’m willing to lie to her to preserve her myself, and that she can’t trust me. That tends to cause more damage.. especially if she finds out that I’m willing to take other’s feelings into consideration over hers. My wife comes first every time. I’ll re-emphasize what I did in another comment, I don’t care what level or dynamic of relationship it is (girlfriend/wife), my partner comes first every single time, especially if I’m looking to establish a life-long relationship where trust and honesty is key.
OP’s gf might be upset over finding out this information, and possibly justifiably uncomfortable with the situation, but it would be a lot more destructive if his friend or friend’s girlfriend let this information slip accidentally or in a moment of spite opposed to up front. It’s not our place to choose our partner’s emotions or what they’re capable of handling ourselves. If anything, it’ll just show them that we’re willing to lie for the sake of ourselves, or willing to choose other’s feelings over her’s and our relationship. The relationship and partner comes first every time, that’s just my opinion, but it’s worked out preeeeetty well for me. It’s also bought me a lot of faith from my partner where they can say, “No, TalmidimUC wouldn’t do that. That’s not like TalmidimUC or his character at all.”
What a weird mentality to have on racism ?
But OP wants to get married
Listen to what they WANT. Not what your preexisting biased scream at you.
Ah okay. What’s pissed him off to break it off in the first place?
You speak so highly of the other woman but the truth is she has not respected your marriage at all. She told a married man she has feelings for them and the whole, “I'll love you no matter what”. You are both delusional. Why stay with your wife at this point? You have completely painted her as the boring, predictable wife and this new girl as fun and exciting. You have been actively feeding into this emotional affair for years?! This is awful. Your wife deserves better! She may not be new and exciting, but she has been betrayed for years and you're afraid to leave because deep down you know that the grass may not be greener on the other side. You're afraid to make the wrong choice, so you're not giving your wife the choice to stay with you and fight for your marriage or move on. This is awful. Again, you're wife deserves so much better than you.
Kinda sure he doesn't
Do you think so? You think like he is waiting for me to say noooo stayyyyyy and I am waiting for him to say nooo I want to stayyyyy lol and waiting for who is the weakest and brakes? egh he is almost 40, if that's the case he should leave. I think he's too old for that and thank god. For me? I'm the one that broke up with him for my reasons, it is up to him to respond. Nothing yet.
Okay so why traumatize the mother here what did she do wrong?
If you have the money, please just hire the PI. Digging through all his stuff and finding out every detail will not be healthy for you.
If all you need to leave him is a “yes he’s cheating, here’s a pic of the girl” then please just hire someone to do this for you.
$20k? Forget trying to contact him over the phone. Go to his house. Figure out exactly what’s going on and move forward from there. He must’ve been extremely desperate to ask a friend for $20,000. He likely knew he wouldn’t be able to pay you back any time soon and needed the money fast for who knows what. If you’re not willing to show up to his house yet then you should at least reach out to anyone in his immediate family or other close friends to see if he’s approached them too or if they know anything about his situation. Do the two of you live in the same state? How often do you see/speak to each other? What can you say about this man’s character? Troubles with addiction, gambling, impulsivity?
She's remorseful now that he's getting married. How convenient.
Problem is, there's quite a lot of complete BS involved in the idea of class. A lot of it is about trying to appear as better than people with perceived “lower” class. A lot of it is about learning different social rules in order to appear to be more wealthy.
So I’d agree that it’s not love bombing , but the only thing I would implore you to do is be assured the people (namely romantic interests) are interested in such elaborate gifts — especially as early as a few weeks. Again I wouldn’t consider it lovebombing whatsoever (seeing as how all your examples are from different women , that just doesn’t even make sense) but they are pretty intense gifts that do exude your love of gift giving.
I normal healthy relationship with a SO doesn't have the sort of issues I think you are vaguely alluding to.
If you want to be successful in your love life, you need to understand that your job is to be coldly vetting all the time, and have standards and boundaries.
You should lay it out, these issues with both sides so we can give better advice.
He might just be a limp fish of a fellow. Could be the “crush” aspect was clouding you from realizing there's not much else going on there. Could be that he's just shy. Could be that you guys have nothing in common when you get down to it….
Could be a lot of things.
You need to date someone who doesn't have the palate of a 5 year old.
Invest in your actual husband the emotional energy that you are investing in some hypothetical version of a person you don't actually know today. You are currently throwing away your marriage for absolute nonsense. You're too old to act this way. I suggest you TALK to your actual husband instead of fantasizing about an ex from years ago.
Interesting take. I would try to be more open about my phone if I was the one in question…you know the primary tool of communication to the world, but some people don't think like that so I respect your opinion.
So why would anyone expect you to be there????
Serious question, are you on the spectrum?
Thanks this is helpful. The reason I wanted to share is so that I feel less awkward, and if I seem a bit distracted (by one of the other women) then whoever I'm with will understand the background of what's in my mind and it will be less awkward. I know there are draw backs to being too open though so it's a tough call.
Thanks this is helpful. The reason I wanted to share is so that I feel less awkward, and if I seem a bit distracted (by one of the other women) then whoever I'm with will understand the background of what's in my mind and it will be less awkward. I know there are draw backs to being too open though so it's a tough call.
Everyone here is going absolutely wild defending you. I don't see how this is insulting at all, you're just taking it that way out of insecurity.