I’m sorry if it came off like that to you. I’m not blaming him for his mental health at all, in fact I have been a huge support in his life. I myself am very mentally ill at the moment as well, and mental illnesses run in my entire family haha. I understand where you’re coming from, but I’ve even talked to him about how he has a victim complex and how it has affected me, and he has agreed with me. I think you’re projecting a little bit, but I understand your perspective on it. He is in therapy right now, which is great, but I’m honestly talking about other aspects of him having a victim complex that have more to do with his personality than his condition. Explaining he’s depressed was just the context. I’m not mad at him for being mentally ill, and I don’t appreciate you making assumptions about me and how I see mental health over one post. I wouldn’t be posting about it at all if him having a victim complex (which is a part of his personality!) if it wasn’t affecting MY mental health negatively. Please use your intuition more when you’re blaming people for their own problems lmao!
Sounds like u just don't wanna be lonely. You'll find someone who's genuinely loyal to you. Sorry to say but she isn't. Ur trusting her words too much. She just cheated. Just cos someone begs for something doesn't mean we do it. She made that choice. You shouldn't have to fight with it. It's a simple answer man.
Bro. Why are people like this? She's amazing in every way but you are worried that other people might think you should care that she is not currently on the same level as you career wise-whatever that means?
Kind of sounds like you’re the crazy one, honey. She keeps going back to a loyal partner, that’s smart. You’re the one who keeps going back to a cheater.
It’s weird he would flip out considering he’s the one in the wrong here and it suggests he’s either 1) not telling the truth or 3) hasn’t healed from the relationship. Neither would be a good thing.
So my question to you is how do you know it was her who was the toxic one and did she end the relationship or him?
Some people have a strong smell whatever they do. It is something red-haired often hears. I have heard African people saying Europeans smell like corpses.
Your bf may be really conscious of the problem, and terribly hurt because there is nothing she can do. So be sweet when going on the subject.
Are you just behaving like this because she behaved like this over your meme sharing friend? Do you feel like her behaviour gives you the right to also get bent out of shape over nothing? Or do you think you should maybe act more maturely?
I understand that you love your ex and have feelings for her, but it's important to give space to each other so both of you can explore this relationship without feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you think too much and may be putting too much pressure on yourself or the relationship. Everyone needs time to process these kinds of emotions and decide what they want from a relationship, so my advice would be to take some time apart from each other before re-engaging in any type of serious talk about being together again. Meanwhile, remember to focus on self-care activities that make you feel good about yourself such as spending time with family, taking up a new hobby or even just dedicating more time for self reflection. Do not rush into anything and take your time getting back together in the future if possible.
That's a pretty average price tag for a kitchen reno in the US. Thanks to obsession with open concept floor plans people put lavish sums into their kitchen since it's the centerpiece of so much living space.
I once heard from someone who had been married a long time that when you really love someone that you don’t actually know why you love them. That you just do.
I’ve furthermore heard it said that if you have to say “I love you for such and such reasons” that you’re putting conditions that might not be fair or reasonable long term in the relationship.
I also have come to realize that you can really love someone but not like them at all. Maybe you should ask yourself not just if you love them, but more importantly imo if you still (or ever did) like them and what you like about them and your relationship. Maybe make a list of likes and dislikes and see which column comes out as the weightier one.
That might help maybe settle some of the agitation and distress.
I’m sorry but therapy with this man is a waste of time and money. You’re hoping that hearing from somebody else that he’s treating you badly will make him suddenly do a 180 and turn into an honest, considerate, empathetic person. Therapy doesn’t work like that; it can help you talk through issues, it can give you strategies, but it can’t transform someone into the opposite of who they are now.
Your fiancé is a selfish person who lies and lacks empathy. Who puts you in danger and disregards your comfort and safety when it’s convenient for him. Do you really believe he’s going to suddenly start treating you like a human being because a therapist tells him he sucks as a partner? I’m sorry but it’s far more likely they will ask you why the hell you’re still in this relationship – which is a very good question.
I am willing to bet money that is not the end of that story. I doubt very much that her friend was locked up 48h just for being a witness. But alas , my whole point is that they are married. If they were bf/ gf I can understand but being married ? There should be no other person you trust to be there more than your spouse.
I am willing to admit that people react weird in stressful situations so , yeah.
I believe they are good. Very much on chill and happy side, they are greedy guts though and you have to be careful with food control as they will devour everything. This includes food that is bad for puppies and dropped pills. So you need to be very careful to keep food out of reach, take medication and vitamins in a different room and stuff puppy proof. Yes, you can train them but that will depend on the puppy and yourself. They are sweet natured children basically. I think exercise needs are moderate, but google will tell you for sure (maybe one good walk a day). I also think they can be chewers (but really all dogs can be). Definitely look into crate training, it is not cruel, don't use it as a punishment, use it as a quiet time place.
Reddit has a puppy thread so when the time comes you should hit it up, I think it's puppy101. Oh speaking of, take it to a vet immediately and ask what the most important things you should know are ie you shouldn't walk new puppies very long it's bad for bone development, with sausage dogs you have to stop them from using stairs/jumping cause they get a degenerative spine disease, dogs and tooth health. A good breeder should also tell you breed specific things.
Start puppy class asap so they are friendly with other dogs (they'll need vaccinations first probably). And as all the pandemic puppies have shown, you need to train them to be cool alone (google, your teachers in class, your friends) should be able to help.
I like Zak George but find a trainer you like and watch YouTube videos in advance. They go over very common problems and you can pick up tips on how to avoid the problems before they are ingrained. Also…be prepared for the puppy blues, just like with babies they take a lot of work and it can curtail your freedom/impact sleep and in the short term (they grow faster than kids) you can get a bit of depression.
Just tried mention some of the things but there are plenty of others!
Instead of respecting that, she followed him and made another request of him instead of acknowledging his emotional need
This !
She doesn't seem to respect her husband or support him. He got a new job that he thinks will be good experience and her reaction is ” but you don't make that much more money “
It is not great that he just sent them to himself, when he could have asked you for some, but then its also not great that you check each others phones as it shows zero trust.
Only you can decide if its a deal breaker.
In general am concerned about nudes on phones – in terms of security and access, plus I would be concerned over a partner sharing them or revenge porn. So for me it's not a risk worth taking.
Yeah it's wild to me that there's no level of people calling this rape.
By the events he describes, the guy was already very drunk before this woman who is his superior professionally took him home and proceeded to, without consent or warning, strip hard and assault him.
The fact that every top comment is just calling him a liar and a cheater and saying alcohol doesn't cause things like this is a little disgusting.
If a woman was drunk but had a vague recollection people would not be justifying that she can't possibly have been drunk enough not to consent.
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>>He says that because he’s willing to do anything for me I should be the same with him, so whenever there’s things like giving head or shaving my legs that’s I’m not willing to do for him at the drop of a hat he proceeds to tell me that I put in no effort and he doesn’t feel appreciated
this is a form of manipulation called “loan sharking” — someone does a ton of shit for you, unasked-for, and then expects the same from you and if you reasonably decline, they give you a hard time about it. Your dude is NOT a good guy. Just because he's willing to do “anything” for you (ie, writing you a bill that will come due in the future) doesn't mean you have to do a sexual act you aren't comfortable with. A reltaionship doesn't require “selflessness” on his terms. What he wants is “self-abnegation.”
Actually, there's a lot of avenues even with someone who tends to get overly emotional, if you bother to invest any time into figuring out.
Obviously the power dynamic between a mother and child is wildly different, but between friends or partners, one of my TOP suggestions is not to have an immediate conversation on anything.
It's unpredictability that can cause this physiological reaction. So, instead of immediately having an argument about, say, someone never doing the dishes, you could approach it as:
“Hey, tomorrow when you get home from work, I would like to discuss the dishes with you and the division of labor in them.”
This is just one very useful way to approach this. There are more, if you actually ever find yourself needing them. Google is just a step away from providing these answers, too!
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Ikr? I've always been reading and watching videos about successful relationships so I know it's important to talk about it, but I think the way I said it hurt his feelings, maybe I should have done it in a better way… I didn't talk about it with my family, I don't want them to get involved and I know their answer is gonna be “of course he has to be responsible for everything ” we're in a Muslim Arab country and that's how most households are.. but it's changing more and more because life is getting really expensive..
You sure he isn't paying child support? Can you see previous years?
Also, some people start putting money away when planning on leaving. You sure he's not cheating or anything? Maybe using for hotels or anything like gifts or travel?
Run a credit check on him. See if there is a way to find any child support due in your state.
Women Queer folks (LGBTQ+) Drag queens and such Children and young teens
I think that's the main general groups of people who would openly worry about attack/murder/assault/robbery/abduction at night, especially in dodgy areas.
So OPs partner is very much a worthless puddle of vomit, who lacks any and all empathy.
Or worse. Gets off on putting her through these scary situations and enjoys degrading her while simultaneously manipulating her, and generally is a bit of an abusive narcissist masochist.
Or he has a weird hero complex and is looking for a scrap to “protect his girl” but I doubt that as he doesn't want to offer any comfort either.
This guy doesn't understand anything about what is means to exist as a woman or any of those other groups of people I mentioned.
I really enjoy late night walks. I love seeing stars in out the way places, I like city lights in build up areas. Both can be unsafe – as such I only do so with company that, yes is masculine, strong and much bigger than me.
I am aware that that would not put off all would-be attackers. So I don't go on late night walks much. Even if I HAD to go somewhere late at night, and somewhere familiar to me, I am alert.
Is OPs bf alert? Why all the late night walks? If it's something he enjoys, he doesn't have to force it on anyone else. Or is he generally just an aware person who never watches the news.
Tl;Dr – OP dump your mess of a partner, whichever potential type of partner he is (I dropped in three examples above) at best you're better off with a literal puddle of vomit, all the best, and I hope you find someone who respects you and understands crime statistics and doesn't go out if his way to drag you into potentially dangerous situations.
That's not really a question for Reddit. Only you can really answer that.
However, if you want your relationship to work, it's going to take a great deal of work on both sides. Counseling for him to help him move passed the addiction. Counseling for you to help you move passed the betrayal. Annnd counseling for you both as a couple to help you communicate and trust again.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP. You definitely deserve better. Maybe he can be the one to provide that better life but it's up you!
Every relationship you have prepares you for the love of your life. You will love people and learn that they are not forever. When you finally are really ready, it will happen. What you need to do is think about what is important to you in a partner. Some people want them to be exactly like them. I needed someone who had all the things I was missing. Someone who is calm when I’m going crazy. Someone that can make me laugh when I’m mad. Most important is to have someone that thinks their lucky to have you.
Every relationship you have prepares you for the love of your life. You will love people and learn that they are not forever. When you finally are really ready, it will happen. What you need to do is think about what is important to you in a partner. Some people want them to be exactly like them. I needed someone who had all the things I was missing. Someone who is calm when I’m going crazy. Someone that can make me laugh when I’m mad. Most important is to have someone that thinks their lucky to have you.
My condolences. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You owe him NOTHING! if you want to stay just to see if he won't die that's ok, but please don't stay thinking he'll change. Just because he could be dying does not mean he is owed your sympathy. Best of luck in the future
My condolences. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You owe him NOTHING! if you want to stay just to see if he won't die that's ok, but please don't stay thinking he'll change. Just because he could be dying does not mean he is owed your sympathy. Best of luck in the future
I’m sorry but I kind of have had this at different times in my life and seeing me was always more about them and what they wanted than it was about seeing me.
My real dad was pretty abusive and desperately wanted to see us and God knows why my mom let him that time. Turned out his sister would give him money if she felt he was getting his life together. I was maybe 5or 6 and knew he didn’t want to see us. He came a few times and eventually his sister gave no more money and the brunt of his rage about that was taken out on us.
I know nothing about her but urge you to have a counselor vet her an supervise her visits. Your daughters life and emotional health are in your hands. Even at her age a bad visit will impact her for life.
I think it does change something, in that you are so young and should experience some other relationships to help you understand what you want in a significant other. If you guys are meant to be you can come back to each other in the future, but don’t tie yourself to your first, especially when you’re fighting. Use this as a point in time to make a change and see where it leads you. Good luck to you both.
Maybe you can discuss a more fluid approach. I think having assigned chores or “duties” seems like a job or something less personal. Perhaps you can just agree beforehand that you would like to be open with one another if you start feeling like one is doing more than the other but make it a point to over communicate for a while so they can just be discussions and not confrontations for you.
He's trying to find reasons to put you on the defensive now. After reading the things he admitted to, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. I bet if you dig further you'll probably find more worrying things about their relationship. They never tell the truth straight away.
I am not an expert on this nor will I pretend to be one. Are you in the United States? There is a National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE. If you are not, there may be another National resource in your country. I have no experience using this hotline but I looked it up and hopefully they can be helpful. What you are going through with him physically abusing you and raping you while drunk certainly qualifies for domestic violence help. I am so sorry you and your child are going through this.
My petty ass would find a less-than-flattering name to start calling him when he calls you butthead. See how it makes him feel?
But in all seriousness, if you ask him to stop doing something because it upsets you, and he laughs it off, dismisses you, and doesn’t stop, he’s crossing a line. That’s very disrespectful to not abide by your wishes. He’s your boyfriend, shouldn’t he want to make you feel good in your interactions with him? If he doesn’t…then why is he your boyfriend? You deserve better.
Exactly. Try to have a conversation more about her needs. Ultimately it may be that the two of you are not aligned on this. That might mean opening or ending the relationship, but you'll have to figure that out between you.
You need to accept her constantly angry at you. It’s manipulation. She throws enough guilt at you then you comply.
It’s not about her but you developing a shell of resistance and learning to not internalize the guilt. Her issues aren’t your issues.
The moment you just do your thing. Send your messages. Decline to do something you don’t want then she will eventually adapt. She won’t like it. She’s allowed not to like it but she’s not changed her mindset yet. That needs your lack of compliance to do it.
*It’s been similar things almost every holiday. It seems like there’s always a pattern of selfishness and I don’t want to have every holiday from now on ruined because of him*
I mean, Op, YOU said it.
It's a PATTERN of him being SELFISH and ruining EVERY HOLIDAY.
You are living, observing and experiencing this, Op.
I don't see what loneliness has to do with the situation. Why are you panicking that your mom and ex might get together? And why aren't you discussing it with your mother rather than contacting your ex?
You are moving way to fast. Def pump the brakes . Really think about this.
Are you ready to date a woman with 5 kids? Are you ready to be a step father? Can you handle all the financial responsibility? Are the real dads in any of there lives ?
This so much to handle. Me personally all of this is ????. Plus she doesn’t have a reliable job with 5 kids!!!! Is she just living off the system and child support? If so that’s a big hell no from me and I would leave and never look back
I'd be surprised if there aren't rules for university housing. I highly doubt you can bring a baby in there. Many universities do have designated family housing that the friend may qualify for
Well, that is her decision to make. You know that if you told her at the time her parents are guilting you it could have gone differently. If you you stood your ground you would probably be in a better place. Even now you would rather run away then have an honest conversation with her. You are right, the impression I get now is that you decided to make yourself miserable not her.
An hour drive is a long distance relationship? I'm surprised.
>but to me just a heads up of “hey I'm going to be drinking with my roommates at the apartment, some guys may come over ill text you before bed” is really all im asking for.
Sis, he is a giant flashing neon “RUN FAR AND FAST” sign.
What he did was unforgiveable. Truly unforgiveable. That is what you tell him. He violated your privacy.
There is no where in the Bible that it ranks sexual sins as worse than other sins. Sin is sin. I know the conservative christian church likes to focus on sexual sin but the fact is he stole from you. He STOLE from you for his own purposes and he used the information to gossip.
Commandment number 8 be broke because he felt angry. He went through your live! history and stole information he found about you. Then, he decided to break Commandment number 9 by gossiping and bearing false witness. Because we KNOW that when he “talked” about your kink (which is obviously VERY private) he embelished what he found. There was quite literally no reason for him to discuss your private information except for gossip purposeses.
Sorry doesn't cover what he did. It just doesn't. He knew exactly what he was doing and that his circle would judge you harshly but no him despite the fact that his sin was more egregious than yours specifically because he did it with the purpose of hurting you. The fact he did it to hurt you and sway opinion against you is what makes it unforgivable.
Internally yes, we have become two different people. Not much in common, no mutual friends, no shared activities. I’ve changed, and no longer love her in that way. I don’t think it is anything that therapy will fix.
What’s with all this “saving” bs. She’s someone I love, respect, and care about and I want her to have the best future possible. I know her being manipulative was not her intention and she wants the best for me too.
I honestly don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship if that was your first reaction. Was to hurt her extremely badly this way. After her telling you that she doesn’t think she wants kids. A healthy relationship is about communication. You showed her that if she tells you what she is thinking and feeling. If you don’t agree with it you will take something you know she is insecure about and use it against her. Then you saying that not having kids isn’t actually a deal breaker for you. That makes your actions actually worse. If this was me. This would have showed me that I wouldn’t want to have kids with this person. Your partner is someone who you should protect and love. Not hit them where you know it will hurt.
She was vunerable and honest and you responded with cruelty. Guess what: her not wanting kids isnt personal. She’s allowed to change her mind. Honestly wine isn’t an excuse. If drinking makes you cruel, then don’t drink. She didn’t manipulate you at all. You are not entitled to her choices. I get that you’re hurt, but it’s not about you and you need to get over it. Break up. But don’t make excuses for your callous behavior. It was a choice and you made it.
He is…aware that most humans eat every day, right? Does he have an eating disorder? This is very bizarre behavior. Tell him to stop commenting on what you're eating, it's extremely rude.
Uh why are you holding onto the past especially with an ex while in a relationship? It’s unhealthy! No one in a relationship, feeling secure or insecure would want to see ur pics together with them or seeing u saying “I love you” to each other. It’s called having respect for your significant other! The hell is wrong with you? If you like to relive those moments maybe stay with you ex or single and don’t get into another relationship until you’re ready??
Psst…you don't actually like your boyfriend. So..yeah. Break up.
I’m sorry if it came off like that to you. I’m not blaming him for his mental health at all, in fact I have been a huge support in his life. I myself am very mentally ill at the moment as well, and mental illnesses run in my entire family haha. I understand where you’re coming from, but I’ve even talked to him about how he has a victim complex and how it has affected me, and he has agreed with me. I think you’re projecting a little bit, but I understand your perspective on it. He is in therapy right now, which is great, but I’m honestly talking about other aspects of him having a victim complex that have more to do with his personality than his condition. Explaining he’s depressed was just the context. I’m not mad at him for being mentally ill, and I don’t appreciate you making assumptions about me and how I see mental health over one post. I wouldn’t be posting about it at all if him having a victim complex (which is a part of his personality!) if it wasn’t affecting MY mental health negatively. Please use your intuition more when you’re blaming people for their own problems lmao!
Being in a relationship won’t automatically fix your problems be weary of that.
I agree with this. Give him the space he needs.
Sounds like u just don't wanna be lonely. You'll find someone who's genuinely loyal to you. Sorry to say but she isn't. Ur trusting her words too much. She just cheated. Just cos someone begs for something doesn't mean we do it. She made that choice. You shouldn't have to fight with it. It's a simple answer man.
Bro. Why are people like this? She's amazing in every way but you are worried that other people might think you should care that she is not currently on the same level as you career wise-whatever that means?
Kind of sounds like you’re the crazy one, honey. She keeps going back to a loyal partner, that’s smart. You’re the one who keeps going back to a cheater.
You're a bigot
Thanks for your advice 🙂
How do you know she was abusive?
It’s weird he would flip out considering he’s the one in the wrong here and it suggests he’s either 1) not telling the truth or 3) hasn’t healed from the relationship. Neither would be a good thing.
So my question to you is how do you know it was her who was the toxic one and did she end the relationship or him?
Some people have a strong smell whatever they do. It is something red-haired often hears. I have heard African people saying Europeans smell like corpses.
Your bf may be really conscious of the problem, and terribly hurt because there is nothing she can do. So be sweet when going on the subject.
“I don't want to destroy everything”
A little late now.
Tell your wife, she deserves the right to know the kind of piece of shit she's married to.
Are you just behaving like this because she behaved like this over your meme sharing friend? Do you feel like her behaviour gives you the right to also get bent out of shape over nothing? Or do you think you should maybe act more maturely?
Okay
I understand that you love your ex and have feelings for her, but it's important to give space to each other so both of you can explore this relationship without feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you think too much and may be putting too much pressure on yourself or the relationship. Everyone needs time to process these kinds of emotions and decide what they want from a relationship, so my advice would be to take some time apart from each other before re-engaging in any type of serious talk about being together again. Meanwhile, remember to focus on self-care activities that make you feel good about yourself such as spending time with family, taking up a new hobby or even just dedicating more time for self reflection. Do not rush into anything and take your time getting back together in the future if possible.
That's a pretty average price tag for a kitchen reno in the US. Thanks to obsession with open concept floor plans people put lavish sums into their kitchen since it's the centerpiece of so much living space.
I once heard from someone who had been married a long time that when you really love someone that you don’t actually know why you love them. That you just do.
I’ve furthermore heard it said that if you have to say “I love you for such and such reasons” that you’re putting conditions that might not be fair or reasonable long term in the relationship.
I also have come to realize that you can really love someone but not like them at all. Maybe you should ask yourself not just if you love them, but more importantly imo if you still (or ever did) like them and what you like about them and your relationship. Maybe make a list of likes and dislikes and see which column comes out as the weightier one.
That might help maybe settle some of the agitation and distress.
What kinda life do you have that you have time and energy for sex 3 times a day? Get a hobby, a job, something.
Okay
I’m sorry but therapy with this man is a waste of time and money. You’re hoping that hearing from somebody else that he’s treating you badly will make him suddenly do a 180 and turn into an honest, considerate, empathetic person. Therapy doesn’t work like that; it can help you talk through issues, it can give you strategies, but it can’t transform someone into the opposite of who they are now.
Your fiancé is a selfish person who lies and lacks empathy. Who puts you in danger and disregards your comfort and safety when it’s convenient for him. Do you really believe he’s going to suddenly start treating you like a human being because a therapist tells him he sucks as a partner? I’m sorry but it’s far more likely they will ask you why the hell you’re still in this relationship – which is a very good question.
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I am willing to bet money that is not the end of that story. I doubt very much that her friend was locked up 48h just for being a witness. But alas , my whole point is that they are married. If they were bf/ gf I can understand but being married ? There should be no other person you trust to be there more than your spouse.
I am willing to admit that people react weird in stressful situations so , yeah.
Show that you have a functioning moral compass. Be her friend and nothing more. Anything else or selfish and shows a tremendous lack of character.
Cause dick don't care .
Jesus, get over yourself, it's just hair and not even your hair. You sound incredibly high maintenance.
Ask for your money? Is he on the lease?
I believe they are good. Very much on chill and happy side, they are greedy guts though and you have to be careful with food control as they will devour everything. This includes food that is bad for puppies and dropped pills. So you need to be very careful to keep food out of reach, take medication and vitamins in a different room and stuff puppy proof. Yes, you can train them but that will depend on the puppy and yourself. They are sweet natured children basically. I think exercise needs are moderate, but google will tell you for sure (maybe one good walk a day). I also think they can be chewers (but really all dogs can be). Definitely look into crate training, it is not cruel, don't use it as a punishment, use it as a quiet time place.
Reddit has a puppy thread so when the time comes you should hit it up, I think it's puppy101. Oh speaking of, take it to a vet immediately and ask what the most important things you should know are ie you shouldn't walk new puppies very long it's bad for bone development, with sausage dogs you have to stop them from using stairs/jumping cause they get a degenerative spine disease, dogs and tooth health. A good breeder should also tell you breed specific things.
Start puppy class asap so they are friendly with other dogs (they'll need vaccinations first probably). And as all the pandemic puppies have shown, you need to train them to be cool alone (google, your teachers in class, your friends) should be able to help.
I like Zak George but find a trainer you like and watch YouTube videos in advance. They go over very common problems and you can pick up tips on how to avoid the problems before they are ingrained. Also…be prepared for the puppy blues, just like with babies they take a lot of work and it can curtail your freedom/impact sleep and in the short term (they grow faster than kids) you can get a bit of depression.
Just tried mention some of the things but there are plenty of others!
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We really need some movement for this. In the end it's causing loneliness and trauma
oh no
Instead of respecting that, she followed him and made another request of him instead of acknowledging his emotional need
This !
She doesn't seem to respect her husband or support him. He got a new job that he thinks will be good experience and her reaction is ” but you don't make that much more money “
It is not great that he just sent them to himself, when he could have asked you for some, but then its also not great that you check each others phones as it shows zero trust.
Only you can decide if its a deal breaker.
In general am concerned about nudes on phones – in terms of security and access, plus I would be concerned over a partner sharing them or revenge porn. So for me it's not a risk worth taking.
Yeah it's wild to me that there's no level of people calling this rape.
By the events he describes, the guy was already very drunk before this woman who is his superior professionally took him home and proceeded to, without consent or warning, strip hard and assault him.
The fact that every top comment is just calling him a liar and a cheater and saying alcohol doesn't cause things like this is a little disgusting.
If a woman was drunk but had a vague recollection people would not be justifying that she can't possibly have been drunk enough not to consent.
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Great, now I have to look at kittens all night long to calm myself and my upset stomach.
I want to be emphatic but I can't. If you tolerate such behaviour, I can't feel sorry for you.
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Jesus christ exactly. Go back to the house
Lol true. I dont have many friends tbh. Ive known him since high school. But youre right
>>He says that because he’s willing to do anything for me I should be the same with him, so whenever there’s things like giving head or shaving my legs that’s I’m not willing to do for him at the drop of a hat he proceeds to tell me that I put in no effort and he doesn’t feel appreciated
this is a form of manipulation called “loan sharking” — someone does a ton of shit for you, unasked-for, and then expects the same from you and if you reasonably decline, they give you a hard time about it. Your dude is NOT a good guy. Just because he's willing to do “anything” for you (ie, writing you a bill that will come due in the future) doesn't mean you have to do a sexual act you aren't comfortable with. A reltaionship doesn't require “selflessness” on his terms. What he wants is “self-abnegation.”
Actually, there's a lot of avenues even with someone who tends to get overly emotional, if you bother to invest any time into figuring out.
Obviously the power dynamic between a mother and child is wildly different, but between friends or partners, one of my TOP suggestions is not to have an immediate conversation on anything.
It's unpredictability that can cause this physiological reaction. So, instead of immediately having an argument about, say, someone never doing the dishes, you could approach it as:
“Hey, tomorrow when you get home from work, I would like to discuss the dishes with you and the division of labor in them.”
This is just one very useful way to approach this. There are more, if you actually ever find yourself needing them. Google is just a step away from providing these answers, too!
Anything is a reasonable boundary in a relationship. If the other person is incompatible or can’t deal then the relationship ends not the boundary.
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Ikr? I've always been reading and watching videos about successful relationships so I know it's important to talk about it, but I think the way I said it hurt his feelings, maybe I should have done it in a better way… I didn't talk about it with my family, I don't want them to get involved and I know their answer is gonna be “of course he has to be responsible for everything ” we're in a Muslim Arab country and that's how most households are.. but it's changing more and more because life is getting really expensive..
Only B is yellow. A is wood grain wrapped which is a tan/beige.
The fact he called to try to confirm tells me that she knew it wouldn’t take that creative of a lie to trick him.
You sure he isn't paying child support? Can you see previous years?
Also, some people start putting money away when planning on leaving. You sure he's not cheating or anything? Maybe using for hotels or anything like gifts or travel?
Run a credit check on him. See if there is a way to find any child support due in your state.
Never said that relying on him was a problem and yes I’ve considered going back home but as I said I have family problems
Technically it gets worse.
It's more than half the population.
Women Queer folks (LGBTQ+) Drag queens and such Children and young teens
I think that's the main general groups of people who would openly worry about attack/murder/assault/robbery/abduction at night, especially in dodgy areas.
So OPs partner is very much a worthless puddle of vomit, who lacks any and all empathy.
Or worse. Gets off on putting her through these scary situations and enjoys degrading her while simultaneously manipulating her, and generally is a bit of an abusive narcissist masochist.
Or he has a weird hero complex and is looking for a scrap to “protect his girl” but I doubt that as he doesn't want to offer any comfort either.
This guy doesn't understand anything about what is means to exist as a woman or any of those other groups of people I mentioned.
I really enjoy late night walks. I love seeing stars in out the way places, I like city lights in build up areas. Both can be unsafe – as such I only do so with company that, yes is masculine, strong and much bigger than me.
I am aware that that would not put off all would-be attackers. So I don't go on late night walks much. Even if I HAD to go somewhere late at night, and somewhere familiar to me, I am alert.
Is OPs bf alert? Why all the late night walks? If it's something he enjoys, he doesn't have to force it on anyone else. Or is he generally just an aware person who never watches the news.
Tl;Dr – OP dump your mess of a partner, whichever potential type of partner he is (I dropped in three examples above) at best you're better off with a literal puddle of vomit, all the best, and I hope you find someone who respects you and understands crime statistics and doesn't go out if his way to drag you into potentially dangerous situations.
It’s just an endless cycle, I don’t know how to get it to stop.
Yes, you do. It's right here in your post.
“I'm going to leave”
The problem is you have to actually do it instead of just saying it over and over.
That's not really a question for Reddit. Only you can really answer that.
However, if you want your relationship to work, it's going to take a great deal of work on both sides. Counseling for him to help him move passed the addiction. Counseling for you to help you move passed the betrayal. Annnd counseling for you both as a couple to help you communicate and trust again.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP. You definitely deserve better. Maybe he can be the one to provide that better life but it's up you!
Every relationship you have prepares you for the love of your life. You will love people and learn that they are not forever. When you finally are really ready, it will happen. What you need to do is think about what is important to you in a partner. Some people want them to be exactly like them. I needed someone who had all the things I was missing. Someone who is calm when I’m going crazy. Someone that can make me laugh when I’m mad. Most important is to have someone that thinks their lucky to have you.
Every relationship you have prepares you for the love of your life. You will love people and learn that they are not forever. When you finally are really ready, it will happen. What you need to do is think about what is important to you in a partner. Some people want them to be exactly like them. I needed someone who had all the things I was missing. Someone who is calm when I’m going crazy. Someone that can make me laugh when I’m mad. Most important is to have someone that thinks their lucky to have you.
My condolences. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You owe him NOTHING! if you want to stay just to see if he won't die that's ok, but please don't stay thinking he'll change. Just because he could be dying does not mean he is owed your sympathy. Best of luck in the future
My condolences. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You owe him NOTHING! if you want to stay just to see if he won't die that's ok, but please don't stay thinking he'll change. Just because he could be dying does not mean he is owed your sympathy. Best of luck in the future
I’m sorry but I kind of have had this at different times in my life and seeing me was always more about them and what they wanted than it was about seeing me.
My real dad was pretty abusive and desperately wanted to see us and God knows why my mom let him that time. Turned out his sister would give him money if she felt he was getting his life together. I was maybe 5or 6 and knew he didn’t want to see us. He came a few times and eventually his sister gave no more money and the brunt of his rage about that was taken out on us.
I know nothing about her but urge you to have a counselor vet her an supervise her visits. Your daughters life and emotional health are in your hands. Even at her age a bad visit will impact her for life.
Thank you
This is common, it is mundane, it is part of everyday life, it is commonplace, it is, as we say here in Brazil, raining in the wet.
Nothing new in the world.
Nah, if she’s still with him and telling people about it, it’s not a bad thing. Congrats on the decent dick, OP! I mean that.
Good luck, try gray rocking them.
You are married but she ain’t yours.
If she is taking sexy selfies and they aren’t for you, they are for someone else. How did your friend “steal” these pics?
I think it does change something, in that you are so young and should experience some other relationships to help you understand what you want in a significant other. If you guys are meant to be you can come back to each other in the future, but don’t tie yourself to your first, especially when you’re fighting. Use this as a point in time to make a change and see where it leads you. Good luck to you both.
It sounds like your job is more important than your marriage. That's fine. Just be up front with husband about it.
Maybe you can discuss a more fluid approach. I think having assigned chores or “duties” seems like a job or something less personal. Perhaps you can just agree beforehand that you would like to be open with one another if you start feeling like one is doing more than the other but make it a point to over communicate for a while so they can just be discussions and not confrontations for you.
He's trying to find reasons to put you on the defensive now. After reading the things he admitted to, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. I bet if you dig further you'll probably find more worrying things about their relationship. They never tell the truth straight away.
I am not an expert on this nor will I pretend to be one. Are you in the United States? There is a National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE. If you are not, there may be another National resource in your country. I have no experience using this hotline but I looked it up and hopefully they can be helpful. What you are going through with him physically abusing you and raping you while drunk certainly qualifies for domestic violence help. I am so sorry you and your child are going through this.
My petty ass would find a less-than-flattering name to start calling him when he calls you butthead. See how it makes him feel?
But in all seriousness, if you ask him to stop doing something because it upsets you, and he laughs it off, dismisses you, and doesn’t stop, he’s crossing a line. That’s very disrespectful to not abide by your wishes. He’s your boyfriend, shouldn’t he want to make you feel good in your interactions with him? If he doesn’t…then why is he your boyfriend? You deserve better.
Did he act on it and actually cheat on you?
No he doesn’t. He didn’t have a problem. She did.
Break up with him. Let the poor guy find a woman who's into him
Exactly. Try to have a conversation more about her needs. Ultimately it may be that the two of you are not aligned on this. That might mean opening or ending the relationship, but you'll have to figure that out between you.
Stop playing her game.
You need to accept her constantly angry at you. It’s manipulation. She throws enough guilt at you then you comply.
It’s not about her but you developing a shell of resistance and learning to not internalize the guilt. Her issues aren’t your issues.
The moment you just do your thing. Send your messages. Decline to do something you don’t want then she will eventually adapt. She won’t like it. She’s allowed not to like it but she’s not changed her mindset yet. That needs your lack of compliance to do it.
*It’s been similar things almost every holiday. It seems like there’s always a pattern of selfishness and I don’t want to have every holiday from now on ruined because of him*
I mean, Op, YOU said it.
It's a PATTERN of him being SELFISH and ruining EVERY HOLIDAY.
You are living, observing and experiencing this, Op.
Do not doubt this crappy behavior.
I don't see what loneliness has to do with the situation. Why are you panicking that your mom and ex might get together? And why aren't you discussing it with your mother rather than contacting your ex?
You are moving way to fast. Def pump the brakes . Really think about this.
Are you ready to date a woman with 5 kids? Are you ready to be a step father? Can you handle all the financial responsibility? Are the real dads in any of there lives ?
This so much to handle. Me personally all of this is ????. Plus she doesn’t have a reliable job with 5 kids!!!! Is she just living off the system and child support? If so that’s a big hell no from me and I would leave and never look back
'“fuck sakes”, stop screaming” '
Nothing backhanded about that comment
this marriage will not survive unless he makes changes and you need to think about why he's not changing – are you giving him cause to change?
I guess he could just be severely dense, but either way 0P shouldn’t be putting up with how disrespectful his actions seem.
I'd be surprised if there aren't rules for university housing. I highly doubt you can bring a baby in there. Many universities do have designated family housing that the friend may qualify for
If u trying to dm, comment instead. New acc
Well, that is her decision to make. You know that if you told her at the time her parents are guilting you it could have gone differently. If you you stood your ground you would probably be in a better place. Even now you would rather run away then have an honest conversation with her. You are right, the impression I get now is that you decided to make yourself miserable not her.
An hour drive is a long distance relationship? I'm surprised.
>but to me just a heads up of “hey I'm going to be drinking with my roommates at the apartment, some guys may come over ill text you before bed” is really all im asking for.
And why is that important to you?
Sis, he is a giant flashing neon “RUN FAR AND FAST” sign.
What he did was unforgiveable. Truly unforgiveable. That is what you tell him. He violated your privacy.
There is no where in the Bible that it ranks sexual sins as worse than other sins. Sin is sin. I know the conservative christian church likes to focus on sexual sin but the fact is he stole from you. He STOLE from you for his own purposes and he used the information to gossip.
Commandment number 8 be broke because he felt angry. He went through your live! history and stole information he found about you. Then, he decided to break Commandment number 9 by gossiping and bearing false witness. Because we KNOW that when he “talked” about your kink (which is obviously VERY private) he embelished what he found. There was quite literally no reason for him to discuss your private information except for gossip purposeses.
Sorry doesn't cover what he did. It just doesn't. He knew exactly what he was doing and that his circle would judge you harshly but no him despite the fact that his sin was more egregious than yours specifically because he did it with the purpose of hurting you. The fact he did it to hurt you and sway opinion against you is what makes it unforgivable.
Why would he want to know who she slept with while they were on a break though?
We spoke for a long time and dated for a few weeks before I knew about how involved his ex was in his life. But yeah… lesson learned.
Internally yes, we have become two different people. Not much in common, no mutual friends, no shared activities. I’ve changed, and no longer love her in that way. I don’t think it is anything that therapy will fix.
What’s with all this “saving” bs. She’s someone I love, respect, and care about and I want her to have the best future possible. I know her being manipulative was not her intention and she wants the best for me too.
OK so what is the worst case scenario here?
Your friend becomes better friends with your girlfriend than he is with you?
I honestly don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship if that was your first reaction. Was to hurt her extremely badly this way. After her telling you that she doesn’t think she wants kids. A healthy relationship is about communication. You showed her that if she tells you what she is thinking and feeling. If you don’t agree with it you will take something you know she is insecure about and use it against her. Then you saying that not having kids isn’t actually a deal breaker for you. That makes your actions actually worse. If this was me. This would have showed me that I wouldn’t want to have kids with this person. Your partner is someone who you should protect and love. Not hit them where you know it will hurt.
She was vunerable and honest and you responded with cruelty. Guess what: her not wanting kids isnt personal. She’s allowed to change her mind. Honestly wine isn’t an excuse. If drinking makes you cruel, then don’t drink. She didn’t manipulate you at all. You are not entitled to her choices. I get that you’re hurt, but it’s not about you and you need to get over it. Break up. But don’t make excuses for your callous behavior. It was a choice and you made it.
But I wasn't infected prior to around 50. Mostly thanks to my new husband whorish past. But not much I can do about it now.
He is…aware that most humans eat every day, right? Does he have an eating disorder? This is very bizarre behavior. Tell him to stop commenting on what you're eating, it's extremely rude.
Not saying it's a bad idea, just would never have occurred to me.
Time to communicate.
Also, ask him if there’s a particular problem with the sleeping arrangements. Maybe you move too much lol.
Uh why are you holding onto the past especially with an ex while in a relationship? It’s unhealthy! No one in a relationship, feeling secure or insecure would want to see ur pics together with them or seeing u saying “I love you” to each other. It’s called having respect for your significant other! The hell is wrong with you? If you like to relive those moments maybe stay with you ex or single and don’t get into another relationship until you’re ready??