I'm with you on this one. I've been with my wife for 8 years, and no I don't get the instant hard-on that I did in the first year when I see her very hot now. Doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her, and doesn't mean I won't get aroused when we get down to business.
Quite frankly, I see her hot far more often when we're not about to bang than when we are. So it's just a learned response.
I'd really like the full context of this conversation OP had. Could it be that she's feeling self-conscious because husband doesn't get a hard-on from simply seeing her hot, and his dumbass didn't explain properly what he meant by that? Which only fed the insecurity?
Maybe a hybrid option like I do for my cat? She gets dry food down all the time (that I refill each morning), and a little wet food at about 6pm. She definitely knows when it's time!
Life generally requires some routine, so it’s both for me. You have to be good with the balance of fun and normality. We always have an adventure or two planned as I think it helps to know that there’s something other than perpetual responsibility in the future and try to have a couple of nights out here and there to break things up, then get on with the boring job of being a responsible adult.
Reading your post, it sounds like you’re effectively together 24/7? I think that would be a killer for me too tbh, it’s nice to have a person, it’s good to be able to split responsibilities and help each other out too.. but it’s also really important to have some time to be yourself.. did/does that exist?
He is sorry, has acknowledged how his actions have affected me and is clearly ashamed of himself. He has retreated into a pool of self loathing that I would usually pull him out of. But honestly, right now I don’t give a shit. And I really don’t want to deal with his self loathing. I’m the wronged party here, I shouldn’t have to do the emotional leg work of picking him up, patting him on the back and telling him it’ll all be okay.
For the record, while some of this is likely his natural response to being called out most of it is just deeply manipulative. It's a common tactic for people who know they're in the wrong to go overboard denigrating themselves until the party they've wronged feels obligated to step in and apologize to THEM. From the way you wrote this it sounds like it happens a lot in your relationship. Does this pattern look familiar?
Your husband crosses a line.
You tell him, calmly, that you didn't like what he did and why it was an issue.
Rather than discussing it he explodes in a shower of self-loathing and excessive martyr-esque apologies. “I'm the worst person in the world, I don't deserve you, I'm horrible, I'm so sorry,” etc.
YOU apologize to HIM and focus on making HIM feel better about you confronting him, and the original offense is largely forgotten while you work overtime to micromanage his outburst.
It’s a bit of a personal boundary so I don’t want to give too much information but it has to do with substance abuse and not disregarding anyone’s feelings within our relationship.
Finally a sensible, rational comment on this sub. It has really gone to the pits. Sure there will be a ‘divorce’ or ‘ abuse’ remark elsewhere in the comments
Good. you know it. NOBODY deserves to be yelled at, gaslit, called names.
In terms of having the strength to do it. That's up to you. If you have the time to watch the show Maid on Netflix, watch it. It's about how women end up in abusive relationships, and why they go back.
I’ve offered to join him in skateboarding and we agreed to that as well as to plan something different for at least 1day out of the week but neither of those things happen. I’ve tried initiating sexual intimacy but it doesn’t last long and he doesn’t reciprocate it the next time we hang out or the days following
Your husband is totally out of line. So is your family. They have all gone nuts. Tell them that they are completely out of line and no apologies are needed. Ever. Yuck.
She sounds spoiled and entitled, and you're enabling her. Stop doing the things that annoy you, and have a conversation with her about household responsibilities. If she starts crying then she's trying to manipulate you and you'll need to decide how you want the relationship to proceed. Relationships are give and take, or resentment builds.
OP wouldn't want to watch her getting railed and she doesn't want to just watch her bf who she lovesssss having sex with some chick..
Dont think that's great for a relationship u know. Bt OP isn't thinking with the head on his shoulders.
You make alooot of good points and if OP is gonna insist on this he's either gonna lose a really good gf or he's gonna ruin this poor girls view of him and she's gonna lose so much respect for him pushing her into something she isn't comfortable with simply because she wants to please him.
I'm with you on this one. I've been with my wife for 8 years, and no I don't get the instant hard-on that I did in the first year when I see her very hot now. Doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her, and doesn't mean I won't get aroused when we get down to business.
Quite frankly, I see her hot far more often when we're not about to bang than when we are. So it's just a learned response.
I'd really like the full context of this conversation OP had. Could it be that she's feeling self-conscious because husband doesn't get a hard-on from simply seeing her hot, and his dumbass didn't explain properly what he meant by that? Which only fed the insecurity?
Yikes
Yeah 44 here and I’m the same.
Projection.
Guys it’s a joke. Or gals. Whatever I’m out.
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You’re getting more clever with your new usernames.
Of course anesthetics are drugs. What do you think turbo is not understanding about them?
Maybe a hybrid option like I do for my cat? She gets dry food down all the time (that I refill each morning), and a little wet food at about 6pm. She definitely knows when it's time!
You were not together and he wanted to test his feelings. I could understand feeling a way but its not cheating.
??♀️ not your fault. Don’t give in.
Obviously. If she is so offended that he chooses to take his stuff with him when he leaves.
Life generally requires some routine, so it’s both for me. You have to be good with the balance of fun and normality. We always have an adventure or two planned as I think it helps to know that there’s something other than perpetual responsibility in the future and try to have a couple of nights out here and there to break things up, then get on with the boring job of being a responsible adult.
Reading your post, it sounds like you’re effectively together 24/7? I think that would be a killer for me too tbh, it’s nice to have a person, it’s good to be able to split responsibilities and help each other out too.. but it’s also really important to have some time to be yourself.. did/does that exist?
He is sorry, has acknowledged how his actions have affected me and is clearly ashamed of himself. He has retreated into a pool of self loathing that I would usually pull him out of. But honestly, right now I don’t give a shit. And I really don’t want to deal with his self loathing. I’m the wronged party here, I shouldn’t have to do the emotional leg work of picking him up, patting him on the back and telling him it’ll all be okay.
For the record, while some of this is likely his natural response to being called out most of it is just deeply manipulative. It's a common tactic for people who know they're in the wrong to go overboard denigrating themselves until the party they've wronged feels obligated to step in and apologize to THEM. From the way you wrote this it sounds like it happens a lot in your relationship. Does this pattern look familiar?
Your husband crosses a line.
You tell him, calmly, that you didn't like what he did and why it was an issue.
Rather than discussing it he explodes in a shower of self-loathing and excessive martyr-esque apologies. “I'm the worst person in the world, I don't deserve you, I'm horrible, I'm so sorry,” etc.
YOU apologize to HIM and focus on making HIM feel better about you confronting him, and the original offense is largely forgotten while you work overtime to micromanage his outburst.
You need to talk to her about that ASAP.
Probably (obviously) someone she fucked or dated or something.
It’s a bit of a personal boundary so I don’t want to give too much information but it has to do with substance abuse and not disregarding anyone’s feelings within our relationship.
Cool.
Next on how I met your mother Barney persuades Ted to be his wingman leaving Robin at home…
What a useless, pathetic man.
I hope she does dump him since she is working, cooking and cleaning for two!
Finally a sensible, rational comment on this sub. It has really gone to the pits. Sure there will be a ‘divorce’ or ‘ abuse’ remark elsewhere in the comments
I deserve better
Good. you know it. NOBODY deserves to be yelled at, gaslit, called names.
In terms of having the strength to do it. That's up to you. If you have the time to watch the show Maid on Netflix, watch it. It's about how women end up in abusive relationships, and why they go back.
Have you asked your gf if she has asexual tendencies? Maybe she just doesn’t like being touched?
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
But she has a lot of maturing to do if she was going to listen to her friends over you. This would always play into your life.
I’ve offered to join him in skateboarding and we agreed to that as well as to plan something different for at least 1day out of the week but neither of those things happen. I’ve tried initiating sexual intimacy but it doesn’t last long and he doesn’t reciprocate it the next time we hang out or the days following
Your husband is totally out of line. So is your family. They have all gone nuts. Tell them that they are completely out of line and no apologies are needed. Ever. Yuck.
Black mold??? holy shit pls go to the board of health or something that shit is serious
She sounds spoiled and entitled, and you're enabling her. Stop doing the things that annoy you, and have a conversation with her about household responsibilities. If she starts crying then she's trying to manipulate you and you'll need to decide how you want the relationship to proceed. Relationships are give and take, or resentment builds.
OP wouldn't want to watch her getting railed and she doesn't want to just watch her bf who she lovesssss having sex with some chick..
Dont think that's great for a relationship u know. Bt OP isn't thinking with the head on his shoulders.
You make alooot of good points and if OP is gonna insist on this he's either gonna lose a really good gf or he's gonna ruin this poor girls view of him and she's gonna lose so much respect for him pushing her into something she isn't comfortable with simply because she wants to please him.
Leave before he kills you and you become another statistic
Yeah, I guess.
I understand OP breaking up with her, but I feel bad for her too. This is life-ruining stuff.