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Date: November 7, 2022
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You are definitely being gas lit.
When in conflict, each person’s feelings should be treated as just as important, not more than, not less than, but just as important. So one side shares their perspective, receives validation, then the other side shares and gets the same. After that, solutions that work for both are explored and then implemented. You want a partner and want to be a partner that looks for win/win solutions, not one who looks to win at the others expense. And that’s what she’s doing, she’s ignoring what you want and getting mad when you object. She isn’t someone who’s safe to be a partner with.
And why would you condone a close friend’s abuse of their partner?
My bad feeling for OP is, not only he pays CS, but he also has to drive around the kids or provide transportation to take the kids or worse, the wife will not take the kids to any activities during her time and won't let them take public transportation to go to these extracurricular.
The problem is judge will have to determine based on what's told. In the judge's equation: wife being a sahm for over 10 years (14 yrs): check, which meant that she's out of the workforce too long. Hence that's automatic alimony.
As for the mental health issue: anxiety to drive, I doubt that it's going to be considered as a negative for her. I mean, many kids do take public transportation. Or maybe carpooling, etc… So yeah, she's not going to lose possibility for custody based on her anxiety to drive.
A lot of the family court here, I feel..just depend on the judge or based on the most basic. As long as the kids have food, roof to sleep in, relatively clean house and etc–not abused, so what if they don't go to extracurricular activity…for example, as long they go to school daily (there's school bus for that), voila, a lot of judge won't care that mom has anxiety to drive or is a lazy housewife.
Even if OP gets 50-50 custody (which is the default unless OP prefers wife to have main custody–generally this is determined whether or not the kids want to stay put where they are due to school district or whatnot), I think he'll end up having to pay some alimony (just depend on the judge on the length of time OP has to pay).
OP already knows too based on one of his comments, the likelihood is he's going to have pay alimony and child support which are going to be half of his wage and give the ex the house…I'd say sometimes, it's not always fair to the father, when they have divorces.
What you want is what you want. There isn't any suggestion that there is anything wrong with wanting. The difficulty arises in the expectation that you will get it. People aren't usually capable of meeting your expectations. If you find it … good for you. IMO therapy will improve your chances of finding what you want.
I hate to say it but you two got together when you both were super young. It wouldn't be the first time that a married woman feels like that she's matured or grown out of her relationship, after spending most of her experimental / partying years with you.