Honestly, I’m not sure. This is just strange all around. How long has this been going on? Unless it’s EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE I wouldn’t pay much attention to it. Or I would just call him out on it. Maybe suggest a trip with both of you together about electronics? (Camping or sumn along those lines). Maybe a romantic getaway WITHOUT technology will help break the cycle? Wish I could be of more help. But this is just weird on all ends. I would highly suggest doing a trip like that though. Might be highly beneficial and also inconspicuous.
My husband is a pipe fitter welder and helps in the service department as well which requires a lot of travel. A lot of weekends he would be done working in another state to do repairs. So I was at home with both our kids who were younger. Did it suck? Yes. Did I complain? No. Because I knew we needed the money. It got easier once the kids were older and he did what he could to help out when he was home
don’t have much insight to add on the fam situation (though I definitely feel for you guys!) but as a recent law grad, wanted to offer some potential advice for offsetting the cost of a bar prep course! if your boyfriend’s school has student reps from the bar prep course providers (Barbri, Themis, Kaplan, etc.), your bf should look into whether he could become a student rep himself! i did for Themis and as a rep got my prep course for free. Also most bar prep courses, and some big law firms, have matching programs, where they pair a student who is going into a big firm (the firms typically pay for bar prep course for their incoming associates) with a student who is seeking to do public interest law (usually including clerkships!) and basically the firm student “donates” a prep course to the public interest student. there are also newer prep courses, like Helix, that have partnerships with some law schools to give away free bar prep to a limited number of students, so your bf should talk to someone in the student services or financial aid offices to see if anything like that is available. my school also gave us info about grad plus loans which can be used to pay for prep courses.
We're in a part of the country it's kinda dangerous to be gay so I mean I've always understood him not wanting the label. I honestly think anyone with decent gaydar would pick it up, he's way “gayer” than me, but idk I think so taboo around here that you still get the benefit of the doubt until you say it.
Yeah you absolutely need to tell her. Just be straight up. Tell her that you cheated, you’re really sorry, you fucked up, and you immensely regret it, and that you were blackout, and answer any questions she has about the specifics. Let her decide what she wants to do and respect her choice.
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
Guy, you have to decide nowhere actions make you feel. Strangers on reddit can't decide for you how her doing this stuff and also telling you lies makes you feel. Isitsomething you can tolerate? Is it something that will be repeated? You have to decide this stuff on your own.
Sounds like physical attractiveness is a core value in your family and the constant comparisons have led to your daughter having low self esteem and feeling the need to change herself. Just because so many other young woman have the same issue doesn’t make it okay. I think the situation is exacerbated by your own continual focus on it and the fact that you court and play up to attention yourself because it makes you feel good. If you see appearance and male attention as the key indicator of a woman’s value I am not surprised your daughter struggles with all this and I absolutely agree that doing your own therapy is your first step. You obviously love your daughter so you’ll have to accept that the state of your relationship with her right now excludes the possibility of you being at her wedding unless you have gained significant insight into your behaviour and the ability to manage it by then, which won’t be a quick process. Credit to you for being open to learning and I hope it leads to real change that improves your relationships.
If it bothers you now, you will be bothered by it for the rest of your life.
She lied, and you do have a right to be upset. Pay no mind to those shaming you. She knew your view, and lied to keep you. You are entitled to have standards for a spouse – it is your life. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.
I had this problem but because I wasn’t Jewish and his family was super orthodox. We ended up breaking up; he was too terrified to even introduce me to his family
Yeah, it's a me problem; I understand and recognize it, and that's why I was sharing it with her: to find common ground. I did not expect this kind of reaction, though.
The fact he apologized means nothing in his mind. He gives you some concocted reason, but the reality he failed to stop. He has some weird fetish and gets off on humiliating you. People tend to over look the obvious reason rather then the truth they cannot wrap their mind around. He will one day hurt someone and blame mental illness. He will become sexual predator one day.
How has it gone when you do the deed? Just cause I've known some women that like for the whole thing to take up to 90 mins. When tired or stressed that's a lot. And especially if I was assumed to do majority of the action during the action. And he might just be stressed and tired and not feeling like it without it having anything to do with you. Talking with him in a sensitive way without judgement might help. He currently is probably feeling a lot of pressure about the subject even if you didn't mean it.
it's weird cause she never texted first since this space thing started 2 weeks ago. She also posted a photo or 2 of us of the most memorable things that happened this month.
I was okay with him being friends with them until about 9 months into our relationship when I found out what was going on between him and these women. I had always trusted him. I had asked him if anything had ever happened between them to which he said no and that they were strictly friends. I took his word for it because he hadn’t given me any reason not to trust him
If you can realistically go the rest of your life without ever exploring this fetish in person again, then just let it go. If not, then don't set yourself up for failure. You don't want to find yourself in a LTR where you are unsatisfied sexually and your partner literally can't do anything to scratch that itch. That's a recipe for disaster.
“Why are you booing her she's right” lol. Imagine letting your wife go to some new country all by herself with a guide of the opposite sex you don't know anything about…yeah no. That's not controlling, that's rational. If you went with her before, or she was going with her friends, I'd understand. She's not, she's going with a bunch of strangers and this guy she follows… either she's extremely naive (possible and you need to let her understand the risks) or he's going to guide her… straight to his bed!
As an OR nurse, one of the cases that will forever be in my mind is of the newborn baby that came in with severe facial bites from the fathers dog. I scrubbed in and assisted the plastic surgeon in repairing the baby’s face. The baby was lucky in that their eyesight wasn’t compromised. The surgeon told me that several more surgeries would be needed for this baby in the next few years. The greater concern was infection. To provide further context, the baby was being held by a family member, and the dog attacked while the baby was being held. You need to protect your baby. You won’t have a second chance.
How does he treat you in other aspects of your life? Does he treat you like a child then too?
I think you may need to break this mentality of you being looked at as a child and not an adult. Perhaps talking to him maturally (and I'm not assuming here you haven't), about how you're feeling and how he's making you feel, might help him view you as more of an adult. Some. Reassurance that you're making smart choices and that sleeping with your friends family is definitely not something you're interested in.
I’ve seen countless comments saying “food service” I worked in a restaurant for over 5 years as a teen/young adult and never smoked.
A lot of people do smoke/drink or do harder drugs in the restaurant biz. But it’s just a bunch of people looking for an excuse to get high in my opinion lol.
I don’t really care either way. I hung out with a lot of them after work at house parties while they smoked. But to me if you feel like you need to be high to do your job then you got other problems you need to work out.
Omfg your fiancee works with babies?! I'm also a postpartum doula, and I'm absolutely appalled and disgusted at the idea that a woman falsely claiming to be a SA survivor and who is also a r*pe apologist and bully is caring for babies and new parents. Why on earth are you still with her?
I say this with as much kindness as I can muster, but in this case, what you don't condemn, you silently condone. You should leave her before her poisonous personality consumes you.
She already began in November by posting passive aggressive stuff on Facebook about “negative energy transfer from toxic men” and posting about how she was done surviving and ready to on-line. All of which stemmed from me asking her to not hang out with her ex 2 weekends a month. They would go hiking with their dogs and he’s still in love with her. Anytime a boundary was set she threatened to break up or would say “if you don’t like it leave and I’ll replace you”
do you… know what insomnia is. its a condition that makes it hot to sleep. and after a while anything less than horse pills do not help you. using someones illnesses against them is shitty behavior. if she does the dishes, cleans, asks before using his card, helps cook etc. shes not using her mental illness as a card to get out of things, HE is using them as an excuse to get away from her. also, i dont have half of those things but i still would not want to be w my bfs family for 2 and a half months straight. its normal. he just is looking for shit to not like about her, and she just has to move on.
My mom was a teacher and one her fellow teachers started crying at the start of her 2nd trimester and didn’t stop until she went on maternity leave. No one wanted to see a pregnant lady without insurance so they covered for her. Same thing happened with her second pregnancy but the year ended before she drove anyone nuts.
I’ve known a couple of people who were told to work remotely because of their volatility.
My mom was a teacher and one her fellow teachers started crying at the start of her 2nd trimester and didn’t stop until she went on maternity leave. No one wanted to see a pregnant lady without insurance so they covered for her. Same thing happened with her second pregnancy but the year ended before she drove anyone nuts.
I’ve known a couple of people who were told to work remotely because of their volatility.
There’s a lot of judgement in this comment that I’m not fond of, nor do I agree with it. I don’t want a lecture on chastity when I am literally a virgin. I really doubt that he will give me an std given that I would use protection. And I know a couple that met each other on tinder and are set to get married. I don’t think it’s fair to categorize every single person who uses it as “murky”.
Also, why are you giving me this level of judgement when you yourself had your first time with someone you didn’t love? That’s just hypocritical
This is terrible advice, and if OP followed it, he would be set up for failure either disillusioning himself that he can change his fiance's mind/who she is (which is a very unhealthy idea btw), or that he will be filled with regret and resentment when that inevitably doesn't happen.
That's great that your wife changed her mind and it worked out for both of you, but that's a HUGE what-if. You shouldn't date potential, and if OP wants children so badly he shouldn't stick around waiting on the idea that maybe his fiance will change her mind.
If you stay you are showing her with your action that you are okay with her disrespecting you and trampling boundaries and she can continue cheating on you later in the relationship.
Grow a spine and find a human that actually cares about you.
Honestly, I’m not sure. This is just strange all around. How long has this been going on? Unless it’s EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE I wouldn’t pay much attention to it. Or I would just call him out on it. Maybe suggest a trip with both of you together about electronics? (Camping or sumn along those lines). Maybe a romantic getaway WITHOUT technology will help break the cycle? Wish I could be of more help. But this is just weird on all ends. I would highly suggest doing a trip like that though. Might be highly beneficial and also inconspicuous.
My husband is a pipe fitter welder and helps in the service department as well which requires a lot of travel. A lot of weekends he would be done working in another state to do repairs. So I was at home with both our kids who were younger. Did it suck? Yes. Did I complain? No. Because I knew we needed the money. It got easier once the kids were older and he did what he could to help out when he was home
Especially depressed people that use it as a source of serotonin
As long as you're attractive it doesn't matter.
Right I feel back stabbed.
don’t have much insight to add on the fam situation (though I definitely feel for you guys!) but as a recent law grad, wanted to offer some potential advice for offsetting the cost of a bar prep course! if your boyfriend’s school has student reps from the bar prep course providers (Barbri, Themis, Kaplan, etc.), your bf should look into whether he could become a student rep himself! i did for Themis and as a rep got my prep course for free. Also most bar prep courses, and some big law firms, have matching programs, where they pair a student who is going into a big firm (the firms typically pay for bar prep course for their incoming associates) with a student who is seeking to do public interest law (usually including clerkships!) and basically the firm student “donates” a prep course to the public interest student. there are also newer prep courses, like Helix, that have partnerships with some law schools to give away free bar prep to a limited number of students, so your bf should talk to someone in the student services or financial aid offices to see if anything like that is available. my school also gave us info about grad plus loans which can be used to pay for prep courses.
best of luck to you both!
strippers, they’re just like us!
Nothing good has ever come from associating with someone named Caleb (or someone who looks like a Caleb).
We're in a part of the country it's kinda dangerous to be gay so I mean I've always understood him not wanting the label. I honestly think anyone with decent gaydar would pick it up, he's way “gayer” than me, but idk I think so taboo around here that you still get the benefit of the doubt until you say it.
He’s a head pusher! Run!
Yeah you absolutely need to tell her. Just be straight up. Tell her that you cheated, you’re really sorry, you fucked up, and you immensely regret it, and that you were blackout, and answer any questions she has about the specifics. Let her decide what she wants to do and respect her choice.
Happened to? You must mean 'a friend of mine did this to himself too'.
Hello /u/kappakingtut2,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Move out as soon as possible. What a disgusting animal.
Honestly only the last one is a red flag to me.
So when you were 16. And he was 24 he decided to date you. Red flag in the first sentence.
Guy, you have to decide nowhere actions make you feel. Strangers on reddit can't decide for you how her doing this stuff and also telling you lies makes you feel. Isitsomething you can tolerate? Is it something that will be repeated? You have to decide this stuff on your own.
Sounds like physical attractiveness is a core value in your family and the constant comparisons have led to your daughter having low self esteem and feeling the need to change herself. Just because so many other young woman have the same issue doesn’t make it okay. I think the situation is exacerbated by your own continual focus on it and the fact that you court and play up to attention yourself because it makes you feel good. If you see appearance and male attention as the key indicator of a woman’s value I am not surprised your daughter struggles with all this and I absolutely agree that doing your own therapy is your first step. You obviously love your daughter so you’ll have to accept that the state of your relationship with her right now excludes the possibility of you being at her wedding unless you have gained significant insight into your behaviour and the ability to manage it by then, which won’t be a quick process. Credit to you for being open to learning and I hope it leads to real change that improves your relationships.
If it bothers you now, you will be bothered by it for the rest of your life.
She lied, and you do have a right to be upset. Pay no mind to those shaming you. She knew your view, and lied to keep you. You are entitled to have standards for a spouse – it is your life. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.
But mother can only go so far. She has limitations
I had this problem but because I wasn’t Jewish and his family was super orthodox. We ended up breaking up; he was too terrified to even introduce me to his family
Yeah, it's a me problem; I understand and recognize it, and that's why I was sharing it with her: to find common ground. I did not expect this kind of reaction, though.
The fact he apologized means nothing in his mind. He gives you some concocted reason, but the reality he failed to stop. He has some weird fetish and gets off on humiliating you. People tend to over look the obvious reason rather then the truth they cannot wrap their mind around. He will one day hurt someone and blame mental illness. He will become sexual predator one day.
How has it gone when you do the deed? Just cause I've known some women that like for the whole thing to take up to 90 mins. When tired or stressed that's a lot. And especially if I was assumed to do majority of the action during the action. And he might just be stressed and tired and not feeling like it without it having anything to do with you. Talking with him in a sensitive way without judgement might help. He currently is probably feeling a lot of pressure about the subject even if you didn't mean it.
it's weird cause she never texted first since this space thing started 2 weeks ago. She also posted a photo or 2 of us of the most memorable things that happened this month.
I was okay with him being friends with them until about 9 months into our relationship when I found out what was going on between him and these women. I had always trusted him. I had asked him if anything had ever happened between them to which he said no and that they were strictly friends. I took his word for it because he hadn’t given me any reason not to trust him
If you can realistically go the rest of your life without ever exploring this fetish in person again, then just let it go. If not, then don't set yourself up for failure. You don't want to find yourself in a LTR where you are unsatisfied sexually and your partner literally can't do anything to scratch that itch. That's a recipe for disaster.
wow imagine being in prison for 10years then finding out everyone goes to reddit for advice
Tell her your fetish is meticulously clean and manicured feet. Two birds. One stone.
The race involved doesn’t matter. Their behavior is irrational regardless.
“Why are you booing her she's right” lol. Imagine letting your wife go to some new country all by herself with a guide of the opposite sex you don't know anything about…yeah no. That's not controlling, that's rational. If you went with her before, or she was going with her friends, I'd understand. She's not, she's going with a bunch of strangers and this guy she follows… either she's extremely naive (possible and you need to let her understand the risks) or he's going to guide her… straight to his bed!
Have you tried double wrapping some extra thick condoms? Maybe if its a sensitivity issue, reducing the sensation might help a bit?
Will you be able to leave him when he hits your child?
As an OR nurse, one of the cases that will forever be in my mind is of the newborn baby that came in with severe facial bites from the fathers dog. I scrubbed in and assisted the plastic surgeon in repairing the baby’s face. The baby was lucky in that their eyesight wasn’t compromised. The surgeon told me that several more surgeries would be needed for this baby in the next few years. The greater concern was infection. To provide further context, the baby was being held by a family member, and the dog attacked while the baby was being held. You need to protect your baby. You won’t have a second chance.
How does he treat you in other aspects of your life? Does he treat you like a child then too?
I think you may need to break this mentality of you being looked at as a child and not an adult. Perhaps talking to him maturally (and I'm not assuming here you haven't), about how you're feeling and how he's making you feel, might help him view you as more of an adult. Some. Reassurance that you're making smart choices and that sleeping with your friends family is definitely not something you're interested in.
I’ve seen countless comments saying “food service” I worked in a restaurant for over 5 years as a teen/young adult and never smoked.
A lot of people do smoke/drink or do harder drugs in the restaurant biz. But it’s just a bunch of people looking for an excuse to get high in my opinion lol.
I don’t really care either way. I hung out with a lot of them after work at house parties while they smoked. But to me if you feel like you need to be high to do your job then you got other problems you need to work out.
Not if her affair partner is buying her food. Cheaters aren't completely stupid.
Then don’t tell him. If he has the ability to ruin your life with this information, do not tell him.
Your best option, really, is to stop seeing him, and don’t date guys from work.
Omfg your fiancee works with babies?! I'm also a postpartum doula, and I'm absolutely appalled and disgusted at the idea that a woman falsely claiming to be a SA survivor and who is also a r*pe apologist and bully is caring for babies and new parents. Why on earth are you still with her?
I say this with as much kindness as I can muster, but in this case, what you don't condemn, you silently condone. You should leave her before her poisonous personality consumes you.
She already began in November by posting passive aggressive stuff on Facebook about “negative energy transfer from toxic men” and posting about how she was done surviving and ready to on-line. All of which stemmed from me asking her to not hang out with her ex 2 weekends a month. They would go hiking with their dogs and he’s still in love with her. Anytime a boundary was set she threatened to break up or would say “if you don’t like it leave and I’ll replace you”
do you… know what insomnia is. its a condition that makes it hot to sleep. and after a while anything less than horse pills do not help you. using someones illnesses against them is shitty behavior. if she does the dishes, cleans, asks before using his card, helps cook etc. shes not using her mental illness as a card to get out of things, HE is using them as an excuse to get away from her. also, i dont have half of those things but i still would not want to be w my bfs family for 2 and a half months straight. its normal. he just is looking for shit to not like about her, and she just has to move on.
Eh.
My mom was a teacher and one her fellow teachers started crying at the start of her 2nd trimester and didn’t stop until she went on maternity leave. No one wanted to see a pregnant lady without insurance so they covered for her. Same thing happened with her second pregnancy but the year ended before she drove anyone nuts.
I’ve known a couple of people who were told to work remotely because of their volatility.
It can happen.
Eh.
My mom was a teacher and one her fellow teachers started crying at the start of her 2nd trimester and didn’t stop until she went on maternity leave. No one wanted to see a pregnant lady without insurance so they covered for her. Same thing happened with her second pregnancy but the year ended before she drove anyone nuts.
I’ve known a couple of people who were told to work remotely because of their volatility.
It can happen.
Don't be hot on yourself, who doesn't?
If you’re gonna continue to be her friend, maybe ask her to stop talking to you about her dating life.
She is going after bad men on purpose; whether she knows it or not. And telling others about these men, doesn’t change the outcome.
She needs to work on herself. She isn’t going after men who want what she claims to want.
There’s a lot of judgement in this comment that I’m not fond of, nor do I agree with it. I don’t want a lecture on chastity when I am literally a virgin. I really doubt that he will give me an std given that I would use protection. And I know a couple that met each other on tinder and are set to get married. I don’t think it’s fair to categorize every single person who uses it as “murky”.
Also, why are you giving me this level of judgement when you yourself had your first time with someone you didn’t love? That’s just hypocritical
Why did you only sensor shit in piece of shit? lol
That’s pretty much how I feel. I don’t want to change her! Just understand. Thank you
This is terrible advice, and if OP followed it, he would be set up for failure either disillusioning himself that he can change his fiance's mind/who she is (which is a very unhealthy idea btw), or that he will be filled with regret and resentment when that inevitably doesn't happen.
That's great that your wife changed her mind and it worked out for both of you, but that's a HUGE what-if. You shouldn't date potential, and if OP wants children so badly he shouldn't stick around waiting on the idea that maybe his fiance will change her mind.
If you stay you are showing her with your action that you are okay with her disrespecting you and trampling boundaries and she can continue cheating on you later in the relationship.
Grow a spine and find a human that actually cares about you.