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Date: October 8, 2022
That's not your mother's problem. It's your problem.
If you both really are friend i think you could Tell her Not to Tell anyone.
This because I just don’t believe him in all honesty. It sound like he is taking advantage of you knowingly and blaming it on you.
I want too, but all my friends live here. And I’m terrified of being alone right now when all I feel is empty.
It's theatre, a lot of people consider that a hobby. It's something she loves to do that doesn't make much money. Sometimes hobbies can turn into professions, but until it actually pays the bills, OP isn't there yet.
This is a very good summary
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I was in a similar situation with my partner several years ago. I had been happily single for 3+ plus years, and when we met on a dating app, I fell HARD. I forced the “what are we” talk because I wanted a commitment. We became official, and it still took over 7 months of “officially” dating before he told me he loved me. His ex messed him up pretty badly, and he let me know early on that he was scared to commit because he had a bunch of baggage.
But I forced the commitment conversation too early – we fell in love and lived together for a year… but he did some soul searching and realized that he had jumped from relationship to relationship, and he wasn’t sure if he could commit to another potentially forever relationship before he lived on his own and learned more about who he is outside of a relationship. So he moved out and we technically broke up… but we still talked every day, hung out every few weeks with sleepovers and sex and cuddles. I too had the realization that he’s getting all of the benefits of a relationship without the commitment… so I stopped all romantic aspects. Didn’t immediately respond to his texts, didn’t try to make plans, and when we did hook up, I treated it like a hookup and immediately left after. Then he would text, “why did you leave so soon? I wanted you to stay” and I was like well it was just a hookup right? We’re not in a relationship anymore. I started to emotionally detach, and slowly losing me made him realize that he DID want to be with me.
Am I thrilled about the way that all played out? Absolutely not. But I fell hard for this man and felt some type of way when he didn’t match my love, knowing full well that he was still healing from the past. But that time “apart” made us build up a strong friendship, and here we are 3 years later – in a new city with our 2 cats. He’s my best friend in this world and we have built something truly magical.
Basically I will say this: dating in your 30s is NAKED. We’ve all been burned, we all have major baggage in one way or another. We never expected ourselves to try and find love at this age/stage in life! I wish I was more patient in the beginning. I was SO in love and so excited, that I put my feelings and expectations first instead of respecting that he needed more time, and felt some type of way when he didn’t get there as quickly as I did. It’s a normal feeling to want, even kind of expect, the love you’re giving out. But I’ve learned that love is a marathon, not a race. As long as he’s showing you he cares, and he’s not talking to/sleeping with other people, leave it up to time. I’m sure he’ll get there when he’s ready ❤️
Run.
If he doesn't understand you are not a sex toy – at 47 – he's never going to understand it. He is with you for one primary reason; try to recognize that.
why were you still having breakfast with him after work after the conflict? take a step back, make new friends, they are married and he is just a coworker it is easy to not be too close. or are you waiting to see if you can fuck him then play it wasnt my fault he was the married one i was just lonely and friendless, hmm?
This is a disaster waiting to happen. If ahe wants u ahed stay w u and abandon the orgy. If she goes on the orgy it may verywell ruin any relationship u ever have w her. Cut ur losses.
He physically abuses you and you've fallen into a really common trap. You feel like you can heal your partner with your love and that self sacrifice will make everything worth it. You are caught in the cycle of abuse and think that you are least partially at fault for his abusive behavior. He is almost assuredly actively manipulating you. Every time he makes a small but temporary change it gives you hope for a permanent complete transformation. That's fool's gold. It's almost as if you're in a relationship with who you wish he was rather than who he actually is.
Please seek therapy from someone who specializes in abusive relationships. You aren't safe. Your child isn't safe. You are inadvertently modeling a destructive relationship pattern for your kid.
You are thinking that having a child together makes it more difficult to leave when in reality the presence of that child makes it even more important that you end this cycle of abuse. Your life is difficult enough. You're responsible for a special needs child financially, emotionally, and educationally. This abusive relationship makes all of that more difficult. You are better off providing a safe stable home that is free of abuse.
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I….. never thought of it this way
I'm sorry she lied to you and continues to be deceptive. You said she said to you she's never loved anyone and that she said to him that she loves him. You cannot win. She is hoping to make you miserable enough you will divorce her and keep her reputation intact. It's selfish of her to put the burden on you, but there you have it. You can choose how much longer to put up with this but she has no desire to make your marriage better, there is no hope for the relationship because she is already emotionally divested and ready to cash out. If I were you, I would start talking with the counselor about co-parenting during separation not saving the marriage
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Hypothetically, if you got a blowjob from another woman, even coerced, do you think your wife would react with half the patience and understanding you’ve shown her? How do your conversations with her go when you make a mistake?
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If you won’t dump him, at the very least you have to stop sleeping with him.
But I think you should dump him. He doesn’t care about your feelings and wants, and he clearly views you as just a vessel for his unborn child. This person does not have your best interests in mind and is not someone you can build a life with.
I kinda understand – its washing the day off and any bacteria or dust on your body from being out and about. It is cleaner to shower before getting into bed.
I personally wouldn't break up with her over it but perhaps set the boundary – I don't get into my bed without having showered to wash off the outside and the day – you're not welcome to sleep in my bed unless you're happy to do so. Then ask her what she wants to do about that.
OP got lit the fuck up ?
There literally is a metric. Also, I specifically asked about her seeing a dr of psychiatry, not some talk therapist with a certificate. This isnt someone who cries lightly, if she sobs to the point of not being able to function- that's an indication of something deeper going on.
I don't mean this as an attack, though it will feel like one. What are you hoping to accomplish here? Are you wanting to tell her so she'll be angry and break up with him? Do you hope to get a full relationship out of the situation? Or are you going to also break up with him? If you aren't, you do realize that if he is a cheater that has absolutely no issues hiding cheating, he is just going to do it again, right? And if he finds out you knew about him cheating, he'll probably interpret it as you being just fine with him being a cheater?
What is your long range plan here, and is telling going to be for her benefit, or yours?
I think I am. I have to be careful since she’s not mine, but I’d feel ready to have my own baby right now.
It is a betrayal because in times of doubt and conflict, instead of turning to his wife and communicating, he went to his ex and they came up with a plan to go behind OPs back and do a test. OP said she would be hurt but wouldn't mind doing a test if he came to her.
When in times of conflict you turn to your ex and do something behind your SO back this is obviously a betrayal.
Your recovery time is not the norm. That's what I'm trying to explain, and that's what my very first comment said. The general recovery time is 1-3 weeks, and if it takes longer than that, it's abnormal and/or you've had complications. And my sources match that. You're yelling at the wind.
And you turn it around by accusing me that I'm lying. You just can't read, that simple.
Its a cut. More wider and baggy. Google it? “Sounds made up”? What? Yes its her relationship but SHE could actually be in the wrong here!! And quite frankly, if I were doing nothing wrong I would pick my friend that I have known for YEARS before my SO I would pick my friend aswell. “YOU have to ditch your friend because I don't trust you.”
They’re right though…
Oh stop it
Immediately in the trash.
God help us (men) all.
Honestly, just both of you together block her simultaneously.
She knows what she's doing and she'll know exactly why she was blocked. Don't give her the chance and satisfaction to feign ignorance and innocence. She thrives on getting one over you.
In extreme cases the best treatment is to start with head shaving. Then the treatment to eliminate the leftovers
Collect the 1.5k, assuming he actually pays it, then dump him and sue for the rest.
Unload this loser.
It’s the truest of truths. If you care about your ex, you should leave him alone.
I'm usually an introvert but when I drink I'm this fun, partying type of person. A mutual friend told me the next day that D had called him (since he's our only mutual friend) and told him what happened and that i had come on quite strong and rejected me. So that plus the fact I had drank myself to a point of a black out and unfortunately get abused by someone else in our class that night. Plus there was a guy in our class at the time that apparently claimed we were together but we werent and threatened D after this to stay away. It's all just a lot of bad first impressions and things I don't think you can really come back from.
Well I would but how do I bring it up to him without making him feel embarrassed or angry that I’m going through his phone ?.
OP you may not be in a situation where you can be free right now, but you can choose to not be emotionally entangled with this man.
I’d feel pretty certain she and he will continue having their relationship whether you’re married to him or not, things aren’t going to change because he “had” to marry you and he clearly hopes to do what he wants whether you agree to be involved or are to too grossed out and insulted to be involved, either way you can’t stop him because he doesn’t care enough. What’s more I can guarantee you he isn’t ready to be an adult and a decent father either.
You could elect to have a conversation with him that he can do what he wants as long as he doesn’t publicly embarrass you, support each other as would a normal couple, and play the long game. Do not sleep with him anymore. He’s going to eventually get another woman pregnant and you can use that to gain your family’s support and sympathy to help get you out. Do not have more children with him unless he grows up and stops acting the fool.
Use this time to get an education at a community college as soon as you can, do not allow yourself to reply on him financially, and create an account to keep your own money, even if you’re only saving $50 every other month.
If you can quietly speak to your Mother, let her know what he’s asked for. Even if she is super conservative, she would still understand what some men can be like, and may be able to help you plan a one day escape plan, or at least save some money.
There are plenty of people who have elected to work together when trapped into marriage, until such time they can find a way to get out, this may be an option for you, it doesn’t have to be a demolition derby of disrespect. Don’t allow him to treat you poorly, set your boundaries now.
You mean your wife left you and drives a fancy car on the support you provided?
Maybe you need to word it exactly as the comment above, because it really hits the nail on the head. It might open your GF eyes to the whole thing a bit more when she realises that your child will be affected as well.
If she said she isn't ready for a relationship, why are you going to bring it up again? It doesn't sound like that's what she wants. You're going to have to accept that and remain her friend. If you can't, this friendship isn't for you.
So your husband is violent too? The more you describe him the less this marriage sounds like a good idea.
Remind your gf of that the next time a guy tells your gf he wants her and she doesn't shut him down immediately. Don't think you'd like that option. When you don't flat out tell someone no/stop, they will usually view that as a green light to keep pursuing your partner when you're not around.
“Hey honey, it's flattering and I'm not going to do anything, so why shut him down?”
Home button (glowing Xbox symbol) > right bumper until you get to “Game Activity” tab > select “All Achievements” > find ESO and select it > in the ESO activity hub, find “Stats,” and it will tell you his total playtime in the game.
If you know when he started, you can do the math and use it against him. He can't hide from the truth.
She kept this a secret from you for a year. She could have brought up polyamory with you before, or she could have confessed sooner. She doesn't value you or your feelings. Her actions say this loud and clear.
1st of all let's address your main issue, UTI. What does her doctor say? Have you been checked? How is your hygiene? Figure that out 1st.
2nd. what's her sex drive level high or low. You need to know that.
3rd. Have you heard the phrase “warm up the engine?” Can you/do send her message throughout the day to keep her on edge and warmed up?
4th what's your idea of intimacy? Have you tried intimacy without sex? If you don't know what it is research.
5th what's her love language? Can you speak to her through that lense?
6th, when you love someone and invest all that you can, communicating and honesty with that person goes a long way into knowing if your relationship will work long term.
Also, sensual yoga. ?
There was one more but I forgot.
Good luck.
Updateme
Congrats you're dating a straight man
She didn't behave like an idiot OP, she behaved like an abuser and she attempted to groom your dh for her own pleasure. She was completely OK with destroying his and your lives so that she could sleep with him and she abused him by beating him down in order to achieve that goal. This woman is sick, she is a predator and she is abusive. If you haven't already, you and dh should block her on everything, she's not a healthy or safe person to be anywhere near.
YOU CANT FIX HIM
YOU CANT CHANGE HIM
HE IS AN ABUSIVE MIDDLE AGED MAN
HE WILL NEVER STOP HURTING YOU
OP, please go to therapy and try to learn some self respect. Why do you stay with a man who verbally abused you? He’s never going to stop. Do you not want a man who will actually treat you with love and respect?
I don’t know what OP’s fiancé is thinking. Though I can somewhat relate. I’ve been considering divorce for the same reasons. We’re just incompatible, but I’ve always held it in my mind that I’m going to gift her our house, no strings attached. Even considering putting down full alimony without any pushback.
I feel this way because first, she’s a good mom to our kids. She won’t fuck them over. I stole her youth. She put in so much for me even with her meager abilities. I will never be able to shake the feeling that I owe her so much, though I also owe myself a happier life moving forward. If I don’t do this, I’ll be harming my kids first and foremost, and they are and always have been my reason for living. I’m a survivor, she’s not. So I can keep going even with less money in my pocket.
Maybe she’s that but she also shouldn’t stay with someone who’s stonewalling her and not willing to talk to her about many things. And then the cheating on top of it. So they both should move on.
Your girlfriend is being really unfair. She's getting the high life off of your check when she's not even paying rent herself. My best advice is to stand your ground and tell her that your money either needs to go to rent, groceries or nothing at all. It's not money to be used to live a high life.
Okay… I'm super allowing others a safe place for their kinks and “you like what you like”. There's a line that needs not be crossed though; know the line between your kink and what is okay. If she's watching actual innocent animals (who cannot give consent) be violated… Then she's got issues.
Alex will likely try to insult your husband behind his back and flirt with you to get in your pants. You should know this ahead of time. I’ve had guy friends like this too and they have stolen women from me with this exact setup twice. The women DO fall for it, I don’t know why. Don’t be one of them.
You and the kids have the same last name, she has her name. Nobody cares.
Why are you even entertaining this idea? He is a piece of shit.
Love is not enough and he doesn't love you because if he did, he wouldn't have done the things he's done.
Do you have any family even if they're far away that you could stay with? Meet with a lawyer about custody? Can you look at work from home options?
Asking for Internet advice, then doubling down and getting defensive that she “isn't serving him” and listing excuses on why she will continue to do the same things. ? GTFOH.
You must be too immature to realize that you’re throwing effort away. That effort and time could be used to better yourself in a million different ways, or obviously spent finding or being with someone who you’d actually want to be monogamous with
I wish you the best. Please take care of yourself and find some good friends to hang out with during all this stress
Bro that is a fucked up thing to do. It lied to you. How can you even believe anything else they say to you.
Fuck that be out and lesson learned for him her whatever
Yeah it has alot to do with outsiders interfering in relationships
DGS
Death Grip Syndrome is the excessive use of the hand in male masturbation leading to decreased sensitivity during real sex. It is a curable, non-permanent condition that requires the cessation of hand masturbation. This will lead to more pleasurable sex. It will take some time to become used to the sensations of actual sex ranging from one week to a whole month.
You don't have to ask to pick sides, that's implied. When your boyfriend is crying to someone that his partner kissed another dude, then he definitely doesn't want to hear a “You're overreacting, she was just drunk”. And you obviously also wanted support from the friend you thought would understand you.
Look, you are already uncomfortable around these people now. You don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to be friends with. You don't need reddit's validation to end any sort of relationship – you can't just end romantic relationships for whatever reason if you don't want to remain in them, but the same also goes for friendships. If you're not comfortable around someone anymore because of something they did or said, you have every right in the world to not want to spend time anymore. This is the same for you and your friends – your friend(s) don't want you there anymore, you now also don't really feel happy with them anymore in return. So quite frankly, this seems like a case where everyone wants to step away from the friendship. And that's fine!
Op, I don't think we live in the same country and even then, I would be a better family to you!
If I was you, I would just put on mute the notifications of the family chat and online on. If they plan something that you can't go, just say you can't and move on. Don't move your schedule for them, if it is convenient for you, you go to stuff, if it isn't, then don't even worry. Don't make your family the most important people in your life if they aren't willing to give back the consideration. Make plans, make new friends and even a new family. Put yourself first.
Exactly! OP, don't let him isolate you from your friends!
Good point, thanks for putting it into perspective. I’ll try to shut down this thought process and get back to focusing on myself.
Bro, if she cared about you, she wouldn't have cheated, doesn't matter if she was 19 at the time. Not just once but twice. You're gonna be thinking about it no matter how much you try to forget it, at 25 you still have plenty of time to find someone who won't cheat on you.
It’s still disrespectful and kinda slooty
He sounds unhinged
You would be an idiot to do this, OP. Put yourself first, you deserve it.
Her excuses do not seem made up at all.
Pull your head out of your arse and see this for what it is. She is playing the field and you know it but you are there to provide her emotional support, that was, until you got into investigator mode and made it too tiresome to lie to you.
If you have to go to the lengths you are: they are not your person.
Agree with others, don't be the arsehole who starts cheating, break up.
But not just for reasons relating to sex. How else are her religious beliefs going to affect your relationship and your shared goals in life, e.g. raising chikdren? Are you compatible in terms of religion long term?
Yes it's reasonable to be upset over the sleeping arrangements. Those are honest feelings you have and you need to sit her down and talk to her about it. You could also tag along and all of you stay together. Anyway, she may be of the mindset that because you haven't talked exclusivity that she doesn't have to do things she do if in a relationship. In the end she is probably still going and so is the ex=bf and they are going to stay in the same room. So you need to decide if things go that route what you plan to do. I think it all hinges on what you talk to her about, specifically being exclusive. When you do talk, be sure to stay calm, no loud voices and don't tell her, “you make me feel ….”, but rather, “I feel ….”.