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I agree that he sounds like an asshole. It’s funny that he doesn’t want you to talk to or even be near him but he’s following his friend around. I’m sure the friend appreciates getting cockblocked.
Yes, she deserves to know. “Nice guys” like that need to be outed, the nerve is incredible. She might choose to stay with him, but I would give her all the details.
“I need you to udnerstand that even though I know you really want to, I'm not comfortable with doing XYZ. If there's other ways we can satisfy your desires for something like that maybe we can think about it. But I don't ever want to be pegged or use fake cum during sex, and I would also like you to not suggest we do it again.”
I mean. She was with her friend. It's not like she went to the bar alone. I would go to a gay bar with my sister if she needed the support. Or a normal bar with my brothers or my sister just to have fun And I'd want to do with without my partner, I like hanging out with my siblings without other people,I assume other people feel the same about their close/best friends
I’m sorry, but… you lost me at the part where you said you’re best friends with a woman for 10+ years, openly discuss sex, and bought her a sex toy on demand.
I side with your girlfriend. Choose which girl you actually want to have a relationship with.
I’ve kinda been in your situation before. Nowhere near this long tho.
It took me a year to realise that oh shit I was in love with her. Had I said it, I know things would’ve been different but I never did. She later said she suspected as much but figured if I was I’d say something.
My advice is always to go for it. See what happens. Be true to yourself tho. Don’t sell yourself short.
Tell him how you feel and that while it’s ok if he doesn’t feel that way, if he’s not willing to be serious/official then fuck it coz you’re not down with it like that.
Your clearly not over this and I got a feeling your gonna give them that gift no matter what we say. They Well think you are the most desperate person on earth if you give them that gift. Dispose of it immediately so you don’t do something stupid
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Since he's well connected every charges was dropped. She wants to leave ofc but it's not so easy. She has to stay in the same city as her ex-husband for the custody.
Lass, he was raped. Any man having sex with a woman that out of it would be rightly recognised as having committed rape. Or sexual assault. He came to and got out of there. He has nothing to apologize for. He told someone he didn't know well very personal trauma – that's actually incredibly common. It's easier to tell relative strangers that stuff. It's a recognised thing. And then he went to a place expecting there to be many people, and there weren't. He made no misjudgments except the basic level of trust we would all want to have. And unlike girls/ women, he wasn't brought up to have our mistrust. Everything he did was normal. What she did to him wasn't. Please help him realise that.
Your husband thinks since he's the ones making money that's his primary job and role. He can't even do the little you requested, so you would in fact be better off going back to work, and splitting everything 50/50. If course after you have a talk with him and the most likely scenario that nothing will change because he won't understand how hard your gig is without doing it himself.
It's not a red flag. It's just he has no plans of getting married to you, or having kids with you. This means you have no future with him.
So you options are: 1. You just have fun with him until you decide its no longer fun and break up. 2. You accept you have no future and don't want to spend another year in a relationship and break up.
Ultimately, you will break up with him, or he with you, because he doesn't see a future with you like you would see with him.
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OP, take heed of the red flags and end the relationship. The age gap and his reaction when you won't do things he wants you to are bad enough. The fact he can't legally get a gun in your state and wants you to act as a straw buyer is a huge problem.
First off, in most US states straw buying firearms (buying a firearm with the intention of giving or selling it to another person without proper ownership papers) is illegal. He is demanding you do something that could get you in prison.
Second, why can't he get his own gun? I am a gun owner in one of the most restrictive states in the US. The list of reasons someone would be unable to buy a gun is short. So either he's got a past he has not told you about or he did tell you and you did not include it. Either way, the fact he wants a gun so badly as to throw a fit is troubling.
Do yourself a favor and end this relationship before he manipulates you into something illegal or dangerous for you.
I see both sides of this one. Yes, we should be able to have honest conversations with our partners. But also, it CAN be a sensitive subject, and the moment you say you're not as attracted as you used to be, regardless of the reason!, thats what she's going to hear, and it's going to put a damper on things.
So here's where I suggest you START. Ask her if she has a few minutes to talk. Say you're not quite sure how to talk about this, but that you want to be able to have open communication between you two. Then say you have noticed the change to more fast food, and that she has gained weight. Say you “want to know if you should have a reason to be concerned.”
Ask Should I be worried about you emotionally? Do you want to start planning healthy meals together or taking walks? Did you change birth control or any medications? I know you said you're happy with the way you look, but I also want to make sure you're feeling OK, both emotionally and physically. Like, is there anything going on that I should know about, and if there is, then I want to make sure we're communicating, and that I'm here to support you if you need.”
THEN, depending on what all she says…cuz this is where you really listen to her before you continue…THEN if she has a problem or issue, you focus on that, and how you can be supportive. If in doing that over time she loses the weight, be supportive and compliment how great she looks, that she seems to be doing better since …(whatever changes were made to address whatever the issue is)…and its looking really good on her, and how does she feel?
And as that continues and she gets back down to where you find her attractive again (don't lie and say it before you feel/think it obviously) , you can tell her how attractive she is to you, and that you had been getting worried about her weight and her health. And note that you can't believe what a difference it makes, but that you find her SO much more attractive when she's “at this weight” or once she's lost the extra weight in her face again, or “fit and looking Ike when we first started dating again” or…whatever you find sexy and worth noting.
But I ask you to honestly think about WHEN you started to lose attraction for her too. Would she realistically have to lose 50 of that again to be sexy to you? Is that even realistic for her once you know the situation and her desires and goals around her health and lifestyle (both emotional and physical). Or will just 10 or 20 lbs make a difference? Are you invested enough in her as a person to take the time to approach this as a lifestyle change and address the whole issue? Or is it already too late for you, and there's too much that would need to change at this point. You'll have to consider everything that's going on once you know if there's an issue. And if you're realistically in it for the long haul or not. Or if you can be? If she's happy with where she's at now and there's “no problems”, or if ideally she'd be happy taking 10 of it back off and eating healthier or starting to take walks with you, but you know you realistically would need her to lose 4x that before you'd find her attractive time again, THEN its time for the harder conversation.
Whether that's a few months from now once you see if/how things are progressing, or as a second part to the initial conversation.. like if she says “Aw, thanks for your concern. But no, I'm good and there's nothing going on (which I'm doubtful of, but?). THAT'S when you move into “Well ok, good. I'm really glad to hear that. But then…and this is really hard…we have a different issue.” And thats when you can say you don't know how to say it, but that your “attraction for her is waning”. If she asks, or if you want to offer, you can absolutely mention the weight specifically. But she likely knows, especially if its an immediate talk right after the initial “I've noticed changes in your eating/fast food habits and want to know if I need to be concerned” talk. And if you feel like its headed for breakup, or that nothing is likely to change at that point, then its your call if you feel the need to specifically mention that more weight = less attraction.
Therr's honest, and compassionate. Then there's honest but blunt or brutally so. It may be a fine line between mentioning “waning attraction” and specifically saying “weight gain”. Read between the lines and you will likely be able to tell if she needs it spelled out for her, or if it would just be cruel. Watch her face to see if its a touchy subject for her and you can see she gets it, or if you think there's any purpose or good reason behind saying “weight gain” specifically. For some people its a much more sensitive topic than for others, andbi think you won't really know where she stands until you start having the conversation unfortunately. But you DO need to talk. And find that line between kind/tactful and honest/clear. And I think knowing IF there's an underlying issue that can and should be addressed FIRST, to see if that is fixable and then positive reinforcement and more specific conversations about how the weight specifically WAS a problem once she's back on better footing MAY be a more successful (and kinder?) route to go long term. IF you're willing to out in the time and effort, and think that her goals line up with getting back to a place you'd be attracted at again.
Complicated, but i hope that gives you some ideas inbetween “Be honest, tell her the weight is unattractive” (which could potentially kill the relationshipnright then and there), and “Dont say anything, she already knows.” Because I think you really do care for her.. But you can't just not address it. Good luck.
Yes it is and I’d reevaluate because kink or insecurity it is way too much and him stepping over you asking him to stop is not ok because it will happen or is happening in other moments
In my opinion your wife is in the wrong, she can't tell you to break off a friendship because someone has made a mistake or a “bad” decision unrelated to the both of you. Where do you draw the line from there ? She is your friend and the decision is only up to you.
And really put some thought into why you want to be with her. Dig deeper than “but i still love her”. What is it that you love about her?
My theory: You were most invested in the relationship during her bouts of instability. During her more stable periods, you lost interest and pushed her away. You seem drawn to her when she is most “broken” and you like to be in a “fixer” role. If this rings true, consider how this dynamic does not lend itself to a healthy, equal partnership.
I'm neurodivergent and have experienced issues my whole life despite very very heavy masking. My career path has been offices with older women and I've been bullied over and over again. My psychologist told me about some of the studies you're referencing, as well as just general info that many NTs detect the subtle differences and go in on it. At my current office, some of the women gossiped about me for bringing in baked goods, for example. It's ridiculous.
One would assume a porn free relationship would involve both people not watching porn. He thinks what’s good for the gander is not good for the goose, and is lying to his friend to shame and pressure you alone in giving up porn.
I’d be curious to hear about these conversations you’ve had. There is a thin line between being honest/realistic and plain cruel.
If you happen to watch TV and you say “oh, Eva Green is so beautiful” and he says “oh yeah, totally” – it’s fine. If he says “yeah, I wish your ugly face was more like hers” – yeah, no wonder you’re feeling insecure.
Thanks for your response! The argument was about how I feel like he doesn’t listen to me and vice versa. About how he wanted me to set a boundary and I did. But then he calls my boundary “weak” weeks after initially being okay with it. I was trying to defend myself and the boundary I made. He says i’m defending the other guy, and then eventually said that.
I agree that he sounds like an asshole. It’s funny that he doesn’t want you to talk to or even be near him but he’s following his friend around. I’m sure the friend appreciates getting cockblocked.
Yes, she deserves to know. “Nice guys” like that need to be outed, the nerve is incredible. She might choose to stay with him, but I would give her all the details.
“I need you to udnerstand that even though I know you really want to, I'm not comfortable with doing XYZ. If there's other ways we can satisfy your desires for something like that maybe we can think about it. But I don't ever want to be pegged or use fake cum during sex, and I would also like you to not suggest we do it again.”
But he said he doesn't remember how it happened. Doesn't that say something?
You should consider going Into therapy.
I mean. She was with her friend. It's not like she went to the bar alone. I would go to a gay bar with my sister if she needed the support. Or a normal bar with my brothers or my sister just to have fun And I'd want to do with without my partner, I like hanging out with my siblings without other people,I assume other people feel the same about their close/best friends
I’m sorry, but… you lost me at the part where you said you’re best friends with a woman for 10+ years, openly discuss sex, and bought her a sex toy on demand.
I side with your girlfriend. Choose which girl you actually want to have a relationship with.
Well another age gap relationship where the older partner clearly lacks maturity and is behaving like a freaking idiot. It's always the same.
That's so cringe. And absolutely ridiculous in this situation.
I’ve kinda been in your situation before. Nowhere near this long tho.
It took me a year to realise that oh shit I was in love with her. Had I said it, I know things would’ve been different but I never did. She later said she suspected as much but figured if I was I’d say something.
My advice is always to go for it. See what happens. Be true to yourself tho. Don’t sell yourself short.
Tell him how you feel and that while it’s ok if he doesn’t feel that way, if he’s not willing to be serious/official then fuck it coz you’re not down with it like that.
I will take a look.
Your clearly not over this and I got a feeling your gonna give them that gift no matter what we say. They Well think you are the most desperate person on earth if you give them that gift. Dispose of it immediately so you don’t do something stupid
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Since he's well connected every charges was dropped. She wants to leave ofc but it's not so easy. She has to stay in the same city as her ex-husband for the custody.
Lass, he was raped. Any man having sex with a woman that out of it would be rightly recognised as having committed rape. Or sexual assault. He came to and got out of there. He has nothing to apologize for. He told someone he didn't know well very personal trauma – that's actually incredibly common. It's easier to tell relative strangers that stuff. It's a recognised thing. And then he went to a place expecting there to be many people, and there weren't. He made no misjudgments except the basic level of trust we would all want to have. And unlike girls/ women, he wasn't brought up to have our mistrust. Everything he did was normal. What she did to him wasn't. Please help him realise that.
Your husband thinks since he's the ones making money that's his primary job and role. He can't even do the little you requested, so you would in fact be better off going back to work, and splitting everything 50/50. If course after you have a talk with him and the most likely scenario that nothing will change because he won't understand how hard your gig is without doing it himself.
It's not a red flag. It's just he has no plans of getting married to you, or having kids with you. This means you have no future with him.
So you options are: 1. You just have fun with him until you decide its no longer fun and break up. 2. You accept you have no future and don't want to spend another year in a relationship and break up.
Ultimately, you will break up with him, or he with you, because he doesn't see a future with you like you would see with him.
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OP, take heed of the red flags and end the relationship. The age gap and his reaction when you won't do things he wants you to are bad enough. The fact he can't legally get a gun in your state and wants you to act as a straw buyer is a huge problem.
First off, in most US states straw buying firearms (buying a firearm with the intention of giving or selling it to another person without proper ownership papers) is illegal. He is demanding you do something that could get you in prison.
Second, why can't he get his own gun? I am a gun owner in one of the most restrictive states in the US. The list of reasons someone would be unable to buy a gun is short. So either he's got a past he has not told you about or he did tell you and you did not include it. Either way, the fact he wants a gun so badly as to throw a fit is troubling.
Do yourself a favor and end this relationship before he manipulates you into something illegal or dangerous for you.
I see both sides of this one. Yes, we should be able to have honest conversations with our partners. But also, it CAN be a sensitive subject, and the moment you say you're not as attracted as you used to be, regardless of the reason!, thats what she's going to hear, and it's going to put a damper on things.
So here's where I suggest you START. Ask her if she has a few minutes to talk. Say you're not quite sure how to talk about this, but that you want to be able to have open communication between you two. Then say you have noticed the change to more fast food, and that she has gained weight. Say you “want to know if you should have a reason to be concerned.”
Ask Should I be worried about you emotionally? Do you want to start planning healthy meals together or taking walks? Did you change birth control or any medications? I know you said you're happy with the way you look, but I also want to make sure you're feeling OK, both emotionally and physically. Like, is there anything going on that I should know about, and if there is, then I want to make sure we're communicating, and that I'm here to support you if you need.”
THEN, depending on what all she says…cuz this is where you really listen to her before you continue…THEN if she has a problem or issue, you focus on that, and how you can be supportive. If in doing that over time she loses the weight, be supportive and compliment how great she looks, that she seems to be doing better since …(whatever changes were made to address whatever the issue is)…and its looking really good on her, and how does she feel?
And as that continues and she gets back down to where you find her attractive again (don't lie and say it before you feel/think it obviously) , you can tell her how attractive she is to you, and that you had been getting worried about her weight and her health. And note that you can't believe what a difference it makes, but that you find her SO much more attractive when she's “at this weight” or once she's lost the extra weight in her face again, or “fit and looking Ike when we first started dating again” or…whatever you find sexy and worth noting.
But I ask you to honestly think about WHEN you started to lose attraction for her too. Would she realistically have to lose 50 of that again to be sexy to you? Is that even realistic for her once you know the situation and her desires and goals around her health and lifestyle (both emotional and physical). Or will just 10 or 20 lbs make a difference? Are you invested enough in her as a person to take the time to approach this as a lifestyle change and address the whole issue? Or is it already too late for you, and there's too much that would need to change at this point. You'll have to consider everything that's going on once you know if there's an issue. And if you're realistically in it for the long haul or not. Or if you can be? If she's happy with where she's at now and there's “no problems”, or if ideally she'd be happy taking 10 of it back off and eating healthier or starting to take walks with you, but you know you realistically would need her to lose 4x that before you'd find her attractive time again, THEN its time for the harder conversation.
Whether that's a few months from now once you see if/how things are progressing, or as a second part to the initial conversation.. like if she says “Aw, thanks for your concern. But no, I'm good and there's nothing going on (which I'm doubtful of, but?). THAT'S when you move into “Well ok, good. I'm really glad to hear that. But then…and this is really hard…we have a different issue.” And thats when you can say you don't know how to say it, but that your “attraction for her is waning”. If she asks, or if you want to offer, you can absolutely mention the weight specifically. But she likely knows, especially if its an immediate talk right after the initial “I've noticed changes in your eating/fast food habits and want to know if I need to be concerned” talk. And if you feel like its headed for breakup, or that nothing is likely to change at that point, then its your call if you feel the need to specifically mention that more weight = less attraction.
Therr's honest, and compassionate. Then there's honest but blunt or brutally so. It may be a fine line between mentioning “waning attraction” and specifically saying “weight gain”. Read between the lines and you will likely be able to tell if she needs it spelled out for her, or if it would just be cruel. Watch her face to see if its a touchy subject for her and you can see she gets it, or if you think there's any purpose or good reason behind saying “weight gain” specifically. For some people its a much more sensitive topic than for others, andbi think you won't really know where she stands until you start having the conversation unfortunately. But you DO need to talk. And find that line between kind/tactful and honest/clear. And I think knowing IF there's an underlying issue that can and should be addressed FIRST, to see if that is fixable and then positive reinforcement and more specific conversations about how the weight specifically WAS a problem once she's back on better footing MAY be a more successful (and kinder?) route to go long term. IF you're willing to out in the time and effort, and think that her goals line up with getting back to a place you'd be attracted at again.
Complicated, but i hope that gives you some ideas inbetween “Be honest, tell her the weight is unattractive” (which could potentially kill the relationshipnright then and there), and “Dont say anything, she already knows.” Because I think you really do care for her.. But you can't just not address it. Good luck.
Yes it is and I’d reevaluate because kink or insecurity it is way too much and him stepping over you asking him to stop is not ok because it will happen or is happening in other moments
Why is it that like 60-75% of posts here describe obviously awful relationships and OP knows it’s awful? You know what you need to do, so do it.
Being honest about STDs should be the norm
Why did you ask him about breaking up? Just break up. If he gets all shocked Pikachu face keep walking.
100%
Jeez, I’m a 58 yo white lady and those places are too white for me
Thank you for your comment:) it is helpful and I will think about some of the things you said
that’s what I’m saying ?
In my opinion your wife is in the wrong, she can't tell you to break off a friendship because someone has made a mistake or a “bad” decision unrelated to the both of you. Where do you draw the line from there ? She is your friend and the decision is only up to you.
This!
And really put some thought into why you want to be with her. Dig deeper than “but i still love her”. What is it that you love about her?
My theory: You were most invested in the relationship during her bouts of instability. During her more stable periods, you lost interest and pushed her away. You seem drawn to her when she is most “broken” and you like to be in a “fixer” role. If this rings true, consider how this dynamic does not lend itself to a healthy, equal partnership.
Dude that's a pretty big flag I can't quite make out the color……..??……?? yikes its a RED flag
???
Lol? Only if she is paying rent or mortgage- the entitlement is strong with this one
I'm neurodivergent and have experienced issues my whole life despite very very heavy masking. My career path has been offices with older women and I've been bullied over and over again. My psychologist told me about some of the studies you're referencing, as well as just general info that many NTs detect the subtle differences and go in on it. At my current office, some of the women gossiped about me for bringing in baked goods, for example. It's ridiculous.
Neurodiverse.
One would assume a porn free relationship would involve both people not watching porn. He thinks what’s good for the gander is not good for the goose, and is lying to his friend to shame and pressure you alone in giving up porn.
If you don't trust her not to cheat on you, you need to end the relationship (and get therapy so you don't destroy future relationships).
If she's non-monogamous and never agreed to be monogamous and you can't accept that, you need to end the relationship.
Either way, do you actually see a long term healthy relationship as any realistic possibility here? It sounds highly unlikely.
I’d be curious to hear about these conversations you’ve had. There is a thin line between being honest/realistic and plain cruel.
If you happen to watch TV and you say “oh, Eva Green is so beautiful” and he says “oh yeah, totally” – it’s fine. If he says “yeah, I wish your ugly face was more like hers” – yeah, no wonder you’re feeling insecure.
I would only do step one. The wife did it as a gift for him and didn’t know
Thanks for your response! The argument was about how I feel like he doesn’t listen to me and vice versa. About how he wanted me to set a boundary and I did. But then he calls my boundary “weak” weeks after initially being okay with it. I was trying to defend myself and the boundary I made. He says i’m defending the other guy, and then eventually said that.