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Date: October 21, 2022
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Factors found to facilitate infidelity
Number of sex partners: Greater number of sex partners before marriage predicts infidelity
As might be expected, attitudes toward infidelity specifically, permissive attitudes toward sex more generally and a greater willingness to have casual sex and to engage in sex without closeness, commitment or love (i.e., a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation) are also reliably related to infidelity (pg.71)
Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 13, 70–74.
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A truism in psychology is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This is no less true in the realm of sexual behavior. Indeed, one of the strongest predictors of marital infidelity is one’s number of prior sex partners (pg.6)
Haselton, M. G., Buss, D. M., Oubaid, V., & Angleitner, A. (2005). Sex, Lies, and Strategic Interference: The Psychology of Deception Between the Sexes. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(1), 3–23.
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Men apparently assess and evaluate levels of sexual activity by a woman prior to long-term commitment—behavior that would have been observable or known through social reputation in the small-group lifestyles of our ancestors. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and having a large number of sex partners prior to marriage is a statistical predictor of infidelity after marriage (pg.92)
Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (2019). Mate preferences and their behavioral manifestations. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 77–110.
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it would appear that the premaritally experienced females were more inclined to accept coitus with males other than their husbands after marriage. (pg.427)
Kinsey, A. C., Pomeroy, W. B., Martin, C. E., & Gebhard, P. H. (1953). Sexual behavior in the human female. Saunders.
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the odds ratio of 1.13 for lifetime sexual partners obtained with the face-to-face mode of interview indicates that the probability of infidelity increased by 13% for every additional lifetime sexual partner (pg.150)
Whisman, M. A., & Snyder, D. K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 147–154.
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Generally speaking, respondents who report extensive premarital sexual experience report extensive extramarital activity. Measures of the locus of first intercourse and number of premarital partners show positive associations with (1) rating one's marriage as less happy than average, (2) the number of different extramarital partners, and (3) the intention to participate in mate-swapping activities (pg.221-222)
Athanasiou, R., & Sarkin, R. (1974). Premarital sexual behavior and postmarital adjustment. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 3(3), 207–225.
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promiscuity is in fact a good predictor of infidelity. Indeed, promiscuity among females accounted for almost twice as much variance in infidelity (r2 = .45) as it did for males (r2 = .25). (pg.177)
Hughes, S. M., & Gallup, G. G., Jr. (2003). Sex differences in morphological predictors of sexual behavior: Shoulder to hip and waist to hip ratios. Evolution and Human Behavior, 24(3), 173–178.
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Participants who had experienced sexual intimacy with a greater number of partners also reported greater extradyadic sex and extradyadic kissing inclination. (pg.344)
McAlister, A. R., Pachana, N., & Jackson, C. J. (2005). Predictors of young dating adults' inclination to engage in extradyadic sexual activities: A multi-perspective study. British Journal of Psychology, 96(3), 331–350.
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Sexual promiscuity was significantly positively correlated with emotional promiscuity [r(356) = .261, p < .001], as well with sexual infidelity [r(323) = .595, p < .001] and emotional infidelity [r(323) = .676, p < .001] (pg.390)
Pinto, R., & Arantes, J. (2017). The Relationship between Sexual and Emotional Promiscuity and Infidelity. Athens Journal of Social Sciences, 4(4), 385–398.
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Each additional sex partner between age 18 and the first union increased the net odds of infidelity by 1% (pg.56)
Treas, J., & Giesen, D. (2000). Sexual Infidelity Among Married and Cohabiting Americans. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(1), 48–60.
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A preliminary ANOVA analysis revealed that individuals reporting a past history of infidelity tended to have a greater number of past sexual partners than those without a history of infidelity (controlling for age; M = 3.78 versus 1.24), F(1,376) = 52.16, p < .001, d = .81. (pg.351)
Barta, W. D., & Kiene, S. M. (2005). Motivations for infidelity in heterosexual dating couples: The roles of gender, personality differences, and sociosexual orientation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22(3), 339–360.
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Subjects reporting sex with men other than their husbands while they were married (who were 23% of the ever-married subjects) were significantly younger at first intercourse [17.7 versus 20.0 years, t(279) = 5.6, p < 0.011 and reported significantly more sexual partners [24.5 versus 3.9, t(280) = 6.5, p < 0.011 than did ever-married women who reported no extramarital affairs. (pg.150)
Essock-Vitale, S. M., & McGuire, M. T. (1985). Women's lives viewed from an evolutionary perspective: I. Sexual histories, reproductive success, and demographic characteristics of a random sample of American women. Ethology & Sociobiology, 6(3), 137–154.
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A central purpose of this research was to identify correlates of betrayal. In addition to attitudes toward betrayal, a number of other factors were found to be associated with acts of betrayal. As predicted, such factors as sexual permissiveness, an avoidant romantic style, number of romantic relationships, and early onset of sexual intercourse were all correlated with a higher incidence of betrayal behaviors. These factors are likely to promote sexual activity with a larger number of partners, which, in turn, increases the chance that betrayal will occur. (pg.247)
Feldman, S. S., & Cauffman, E. (1999). Your cheatin' heart: Attitudes, behaviors, and correlates of sexual betrayal in late adolescents. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 9(3), 227–252.
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Multivariate model fitting to infidelity and number of sexual partners (log transformed) confirmed that a Cholesky model containing parameters for additive genetic factors and the unique environment, but without shared environmental factors, provided the best explanation of the observed correlation between the two variables. The resulting genetic correlation between the two traits was .47, so nearly half the genes impacting on infidelity also affect number of sexual partners. (pg.652-653)
Cherkas, L., Oelsner, E., Mak, Y., Valdes, A., & Spector, T. (2004). Genetic Influences on Female Infidelity and Number of Sexual Partners in Humans: A Linkage and Association Study of the Role of the Vasopressin Receptor Gene (AVPR1A). Twin Research, 7(6), 649-658.
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When compared with their peers who report fewer partners, those who self-report 20 or more in their lifetime are:
Three times as likely to have cheated while married (pg.89)
Regnerus M. (2017). Cheap sex : the transformation of men marriage and monogamy. Oxford University Press.
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An indicator of whether or not the respondent has had previous sex partners is included and identifies the number of male sex partners the woman had previous to her relationship with her current primary partner… A history of numerous sex partners indicates a pattern or habit of sexual behavior that we expect will negatively influence sexual exclusivity in the current relationship. (pg.37)
Having previous sexual partners greatly increased the likelihood that a woman would have a secondary sex partner. In particular, a woman with 4 or more male sex partners prior to her primary relationship was about 8.5 times more likely to have a secondary sex partnerthan a woman with no previous sex partners… Having previous sex partners also increased the likelihood that dating and married women would have secondary sex partners. In particular, married women with 4 or more previous partners were 20 times more likely to have secondary sex partners than married women with no previous sex partners (pg.41)
Forste, R., & Tanfer, K. (1996). Sexual exclusivity among dating, cohabiting, and married women. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58(1), 33–47.
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Regarding other sexual behaviors, we examined whether number of prior sex partners and viewing pornography predicted ESI. As has been found in prior research (Feldman & Cauffman, 1999; Treas & Giesen, 2000), having had more prior sex partners predicted future ESI (pg.12)
Maddox Shaw, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., Allen, E. S., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Predictors of Extradyadic Sexual Involvement in Unmarried Opposite-Sex Relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 50(6), 598–610.
I don't believe that has anything to do with gas lighting. What was the bill for? Are you responsible for it? Why say if she wants to be friends she'll pay it? Surely with her cheating on you,you want to move on from her.
Exactly how long ago was this 'past relationship' that he blames his behavior on it if he's been with you for 4 freaking years now?? He cannot use his past as an excuse for present behavior for literal years on end. No. That's unacceptable. “Put up with my shitty behavior for years because I don't want to address my 'trauma' and put it to rest' is not an option anymore. You need to make that brutally clear to him. He doesn't get to keep clobbering you over the head for the pain someone else caused him years ago.
Draw the line now. Tell him straight up that verbally abusing you for someone else's mistakes is done as of now and that you expect him to get help with his shit starting immediately and you will not accept excuses of any kind. You will require regular updates as to his progress in getting help – I suggest twice a week 'reports' – and proof that he is doing so. Tell him if he balks at or resists any of this, that means he doesn't take his abuse seriously and does not think it is that big of a deal. Make sure he understands it's a huge deal and, again, is completely unacceptable behaviour and in order to continue your relationship he will need to make stopping the abuse a top priority.
Then see what he does. If he really is remorseful about abusing you he would do everything in his power to get control of it. But I suspect that's not what will happen. He might start out all 'Yes! Anything! I promise!' but the whining, minimizing and negotiations will come up pretty quickly, in the form of the following:
Why do we have to check in about this every week? That seems like too often. You don't even give me a chance to actually do anything. Why cant I just let you know when I've done something? (whining & negotiating. Not checking in frequently gives him time to 'slack off' and not be held accountable when in actuality, working on not abusing you should be extremely high on his daily priority list)
Why do I have to get counseling/therapy? Why can't we just talk or I'll do some reading online? I don't have the money / time / personality for counseling/therapy (whining & negotiating. His 'Yes yes yes! I'll do anything, I swear!' has become 'wahhh do I have to??')
I'm not that bad. You're making me sound like a monster. I mean, I shouldn't get as mad as I do maybe but you know that shit pisses me off but you still do it (whining & minimizing. Again, at the beginning he will acknowledge that what he is doing is unacceptable but mere days/weeks into having to take responsibility and do the actual work, he'll start back-pedalling. Now you're exaggerating / overreacting / punishing him / abusing him by expecting him to 'jump through hoops' to please you)
You'll recognize pretty quickly if he has no intention of stopping the abuse. I suggest you start working on your exit plan while he works on himself.
My sister worked in the family court system for a long time and she said you’d be amazed at the number of men who leave their wives if they get sick. There are also stats to back this up. Men are much more likely to leave a sick spouse than the other way around. It’s a weird phenomenon.
Sorry, OP. No one deserves to be treated this way. And you are more than deserving of being with someone who LOVES YOU regardless of your disorder.
That’s on HER to use her rational mind and recognize he did absolutely nothing wrong, he defended her. He shouldn’t have to suffer because of her past trauma.
just quit bein' so damn sexy. that oughta do it.
He gave me the okay to be intimate with someone else. He just doesn't want me to have an actual relationship with that person. I'm not sure how you can count that as cheating… but okay?