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James Shark, 28 y.o.
Location: Europe
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Live Live Sex Chat rooms James Shark
Date: November 26, 2022
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That’s what I’m trying to figure out right now. If this is the first or if I’ve just been compliant throughout our relationship
I’m a fellow asexual. I am sorry you’re getting harassed by other asexuals. It’s not called for and I find it reprehensible.
There’s been a lot of schisms in what used to be our community. The confusion comes from our name being used for both the spectrum and the furthest point on that spectrum. The asexuality spectrum essentially covers everything from gray ace to demisexuality to asexuality. For some, they use the word ace interchangeably to refer to asexuality and the asexuality spectrum. This has led to an influx of sex-seeking or sex-affirmative individuals entering spaces that used to be primarily sex-ambivalent to sex-repulsed.
Your friend may well be on the spectrum. I find it unlikely that she is “in the black” on the far end of asexuality such as I assume you identify, but she may well be in the gray-ace category, and erroneously confusing the spectrum with the far point. Consider it similar to a Bi/Pan person referring to themselves as a lesbian, when they’re really just on the homosexual spectrum – queer, and just as worthy of respect and space as a lesbian, but still in a different category than the far point of homo-exclusivity, which will still have some similarities but should be afforded their own space and boundaries. It is wrong to tell lesbians that they shouldn’t gatekeep, just as it is wrong to tell asexuals that they shouldn’t correct people if they have sexual attraction and still claim to be asexual. But your friend is new to this whole thing and she may not know about other identities that may suit her better, such as demisexuality. Or she may in fact be asexual, but only realizing this late after a life of trying very hot to conform to an allosexual default society.
Whether or not someone is married isn’t a condition for asexuality. Neither is never having had sex ever in your life. Having a libido or enjoying the action of sex isn’t automatically disqualifying either. Many asexuals experience low libido, and on top of that are sex-repulsed. I would say you likely fit in that category. But others may have a lower than usual libido, or normal libido, but no desire to act on it, and it’s not directed at anything.
I don’t know that you handled this particularly well. Your friend may have hoped to have revisited acceptance and understanding from you, but instead felt like she was tested and then rejected. But I also understand where you’re coming from. Asexuals have been pushed out of their own communities and spaces by people who lean towards the allosexual more than the asexual and who bully the “in the black” aces when they express discomfort. I like to think that we can still find common ground, but at the end of the day there does have to be common ground. Your experience and your friend’s experience seem worlds apart at first glance, and I can understand why you felt invalidated and misunderstood by her seeming presumption. And when she called you a bigot and left, you felt rejected. Which was likely an extension of her feeling rejected by you. It sounds like a sad situation all around.
If this relationship matters to you, extend an olive branch. Ask to hear more about her experiences, without framing it as a test. They might not be so different from yours after all. Maybe she’s always felt pressured into sex, and realized that she’s never felt sexual attraction her entire life. Or maybe she does experience sexual attraction, but it takes a long time and a lot of trust and she prefers to be the passive partner, and she’s mistaken this for asexuality because we’re inundated with messaging about women needing to more sexual and sexually forward, so she’s seeing herself as “wrong” compared to that. I’ve very little information on her, so I cannot say. Ultimately, though, she’s likely going through something and wants a friend who can understand. If you feel you can fit that, I’d try.
I’ve had friends who claim to be asexual that I’m not so sure fit the definition. Over time, one has realized that it probably wasn’t the right term, and we’ve remained friends anyway. I tried not to judge, but occasionally, when she welcomed it, I pointed out the differences in our experiences. Eventually, in her own time and probably very little weight out on our conversations but rather her own experiences and explorations, she realized that she does feel sexual attraction, and simply had a different relationship with sex than is conventional while also not fitting into an asexual label. If things had gone differently, I could see us having fought over this rather than her come to terms with it gradually. It was her own journey, and I couldn’t force her to identify one way or another. Only remain steadfast in the definition while respecting her own experiences.
I am defensive of Ace spaces and the right to keep them as an oasis for those tired of an allosexual world. Unfortunately, due to the underuse of the “gray ace” spectrum, many find themselves in ace spaces with wildly different experiences that don’t always have common ground. I’m not sure how we’re going to resolve this. If we don’t, I fear it will lead to alienation and anger worse than the allosexual world ever caused us.
Your frustration is understandable. This misunderstanding has happened many times between friends. You aren’t the only one dealing with this. And if you feel like she’s twisting the definition to suit her and harming a word that’s important to you, I understand how that feels.
A phrase I return to often is “Do you want to be right or do right?” They often aren’t the same thing. You may or may not be right about her not being asexual. But what does it help to shut down a friend who is having questions? What “Doing the right thing” is up for you to determine. Sometimes principles are worth losing friendships for, and sometimes friendships are worth more. Sometimes you can have both.
Good luck.
Yes I understand that. That’s why I said you can’t choose girl eggs. It’s because they don’t exist.
Have you said that last bit to them? Acknowledged that their fears that this will go really poorly could come true but that you’re okay taking that risk? You’re an adult so hopefully they’ll respect that you really have thought about this. I also could see why they’d be extra cautious, considering you went through this with your ex as well. If you have already told them that, then I’m incredibly sorry they haven’t listened
My biggest suggestion is just individual therapy for you, so no matter how this turns out, you will at least have a great therapist who already knows you rather than having to start from scratch with a therapist in the middle of something like this.
You’ve gotten insight. You just don’t want to hear it. You just want people to tell you it’s ok to harass your daughter for money. LEAVE HER FAMILY ALONE!!!
I checked if he was live bc he’s recently become addicted to games… I just had a feeling he was lying… which is so weird that he lied- but I guess I shouldn’t have checked? It was out of curiosity- I didn’t want to be too much by asking him why it said he was online- but it didn’t make sense- I didn’t think he’d lie about something like that