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a dance will active your lower instincts [Multi Goal]
Date: October 9, 2022
AmateurPub
AmateurPub
a dance will active your lower instincts [Multi Goal]
to be fair your opinion is not one i respect even one tiny bit. You’re saying she should not let her partner make an informed decision about his relationship with her (or non relationship). Do you want to be with someone who loves who they think you are when you know that’s not your true self or someone who actually loves you for you?
Kids are one of the top dealbreakers out there. Stop lying to women.
“This relationship isn’t working for either of us and I want to break up.”
I will leave him alone when I want to leave him alone.
That is crazy talk. If you keep this up, he will get a restraining order. He broke up with you by text because he didn’t want to deal with you in person because he knows you are obsessive. Yet you still make excuses for why you are stalking him. You wanted to try food at his restaurant. You needed stuff from the same store, etc. Leave the poor guy alone. He is not getting back with you and your behavior makes him more certain that he wants nothing to do with you. Accept it and move on.
And how long is she supposed to accommodate your feelings? According to your post, it's been years since she rejected you. It's understandable that she shows some mercy at first, but at some point it's you who become disrespectful. You're disrespecting her by not sticking to the boundaries of your friendship. She doesn't to stop having a romantic and sexual life just on the mere chance you might become aware of it. But you're also disrespecting yourself by entertaining that crush for way too long. You are keeping yourself hurting and emotionally unavailable for other relationships. You owe yourself to treat yourself better than that.
This is a joke, right?
Why did you marry your poor husband You sound insufferable, You clearly think your better than him. You don’t respect him what so ever It’s like your only with him because the way he treats you and talks about you makes you feel good .
Please leave This poor man so he can find someone who won’t mistreat him
Break up with him, that’s a major red flag.
That's like me saying “I Had a bad experience with a man and am scared to ever date any man ever again.”
This! Lol like how destructive it would be to comfort your partner being triggered by trauma, what a mistake that would be? Lol
In Québec, my step sister work presence at is mandatory even tho she is pregnant. She is nurse for health and care service (government job). She also need to work for Christmas. Does she has ambitions to go back to work when the baby will be born?
I would recommend reading Dr. Emerson's Love and Respect first either way even if there are things you disagree with, there are also a lot of tools for understanding gender differences as it relates to communication,
Why do you lean more towards a porn addiction? I’m trying to understand that’s all.
This happened earlier this year. We talked about it and have been working on rebuilding trust, intimacy, communication.
But I’m just super insecure and honestly it is always in the back of my mind.
As if right now I am thinking about this a lot. It’s kind of hot to forget.
He probably should, but I'd like to at least have an adult conversation about this before decisions are made
Your just dodging the question.
IF she wanted to sleep with someone else, could she without consequences? And the answer is no.
Messaged ypu
*Did I do something wrong ?*
As long as you and your friends are not older than 16, its cool.
What I've learned from this reddit is talking to your partner is the smartest thing to do.
I hope you both can work it out, I think the couples counseling is a must.
Im also sure were it not for the kids he would probably be in the wind.
I don't know how to make him like you again but I do sincerely hope he gets back there.
Good luck OP
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Tell him to tell you what he really thinks of you, if that hurts leaving him.
Look, I respect that you’re reflecting and noticing a pattern, but I’ve been with an addict and you just need to stop with the excuses. Make a change or don’t. It’s up to, but take some fucking accountability.
You hurt your girlfriend. You broke her trust.
That’s what matters. Be a man. If you can’t stay true to your word on your own, get help. Stop saying words, take actions to change the situation.
Yeah I know… 22F won't wait forever, but in this case I would be “waiting” for 21F
So he’s upset you won’t sleep with him until he gets rid of the parasites he’s continuously had and that he also knowingly gave you? The bar is in the lowest level of hell.
This right here.
To make sure he faces no legal repercussions. In many places the mother's husband is legally considered the father unless proven otherwise; this will protect him from further shenanigans.
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Time to eject from this relationship. There really is nothing else to do. This kind of accusation could ruin your life, OP. She could use this accusation to prevent you from being with your child in the future. She could post this accusation on social media.
My advice is to tell her that you are not discussing something you didn't do ever again. Period. And just walk away if she starts up again. Seriously. Stop continuing to attempt defending yourself for something that didn't happen.
Stop going anywhere with her (especially to visit her family!). Stop having sex with her. Stop sleeping in the same bed with her. Tell her that anyone who could even THINK such a terrible thing about you is not someone you want to spend your life with. Or even one more month.
You're only 21, OP. Something like this could haunt you for the rest of your life. Don't let it.
Toxic breeds toxic, but I can say this relationship is not doing you any good. Don't be with a guy just so you can say you're with a guy. Break up. Also, you don't need his OK on a breakup. They are usually unilateral.
He doesn't care from what I see. I feel the need to defend him because I don't want her to think it's okay to say these things to me. Or in front of him I suppose. He tells me she's always done this and his sister seems to say the same thing. They all (them and the other couple here) seem exhausted by it.
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Don't be an icehole. Give some respect.
i mean, with the stigma that surrounds NPD ( a disorder usually stemming from insane childhood abuseol or neglect ) it really is terrifying to disclose to people you've worked hot to connect to that you're diagnosed. it really does flip a switch that makes you inhuman to some people. i'm not saying he was right to hide it, if this is real, but i am saying that plenty of people with stigmatized disorders live their entire lives in secrecy and shame.
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Call you sister and set boundaries. Make it clear that now you are married, wife is 1 priority. You still Love her and her kids but life is evolving and changing and she needs to also. If you’re parents are saying similar things, have the same conversation with them. Doesn’t haven’t to be yelling but you need to set the boundaries, be fair but firm. Highlight all she does for you and to support the relationships with the family and that they need to respect it, treat her well and stop gossiping about her.
Just block him. 2 weeks in should feel amazing.
I lied about my own orgasm lol
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Please, please, leave him. What he did to you is Rape. He wants to trap you. I dated a man when I was 17 and he was 26 I would wake up and he would be having sex with me. I was on heavy sleep medication at the time and he took advantage. When I was 20 he got me pregnant after getting me drunk and taking advantage of me when I was passed out. I felt stuck. He convinced me to keep the baby. (I thought he loved me) I was way too trusting. As soon as the baby was born he started cheating on me openly, verbally abusing me, and telling me I'd never find anyone they would love me like he would. Now I'm a single mother to an almost 9 year old. I gave up my life for this baby… while I love him so so much more than I could ever imagine.. sometimes I wonder what jt would have been like if I didn't get tricked into being such a young mother and then abandoned.
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The focus in OP's situation is on the woman wanting to step out on the relationship. Situation wouldn't change if gender roles were flipped or randomized, though. I'll give you that.
The person that wants to change a monagomous relationship to an open one is usually someone who either wants to cheat without repurcussions or already cheating and wants the hallpass.
His ex-wife is going to be around forever because they share a child. There’s not going to be any getting away from this. She’s also responsible and knows better, and cared about you zero. She clearly doesn’t respect you.
I say get out of this situation for your well-being.
You did support her, she ignored you and did the stupid anyway. This is called consequences. My concern would be that noone is willing to tell his new bride what he been up to.
Tell your parents you are moving on with your life with or without them. That your ex is and will be your ex and they need to cut it off with him. Sounds like siblings are not the problem so you and new guy can hang with them and just ignore mom and dad.
You should ask her.
If she says no.
Respect her wishes and move the Hell on.
Being insecure is not a bad thing. Being insecure and putting it on the other person is a bad thing.
We all get insecure about stuff, and what we tend to do is make it about what the other person is doing instead of what it is for us. It’s OK to be insecure about it. I would be too. It would make me wonder and question different things. But the person she has in there is just a celebrity crush. I think it’s a little strange that she has a secret folder of it but if there’s nothing incriminating in there, maybe you can find some safety in that. I bet if she didn’t have the secret folder and you knew she had the crush, you wouldn’t be as worried. I think it’s the secrecy of it all that is getting to you and not the picture itself.
“Figure it out” makes me think this is less some kind of honest decision about her body, and more a game she is playing with you. Is she in general manipulative?
But either way, the reason doesn't really matter that much. It could be very good, or completely bullshit – at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is: are you okay with a romantic relationship without sex? If you are not, then you guys are no longer compatible. I would leave.
But I've told him several times, explicitly, that I want to go to things. And I'm sorry but “rebelling” isn't a thing when you have controlling and abusive parents.
Make your own decisions. Why would internet strangers know what’s best for you?…. You might be better of listening to your husband since you’re incapable of critical thinking thus probably useless in an actual work force(outside of retail).
We can be as humanising as we want. But let’s all just cut the bullshit and admit that some people are higher class than others? I’m not saying at all that includes me. Maybe I’m on the lower end and that’s why I’m single. But it’s rubbish to say we’re all equal in that way
Do you even like him?? Why would you want to stay?
I would have thought this would bother your husband more than it would bother you seeing as it is his family. The dynamics within his family, I am sure he is very aware of but surely now he is even more aware and that must be difficult for him especially with how your SIL treats him. That is their daughter, so it is normal that they would be making decisions such as living next to each other regardless of what you think of your husband's sister. I would say this is an issue between your husband and his sister, it's not for you to feel jealous because you and your husband have your own lives separate from whatever dynamic exists between him and his family. Seeing as you are not keen on the idea of having your SIL around your kids, it sounds like things have worked out well because you are free to live somewhere else and not be near to your in laws. Anything related to inheritance from their family is their business and whether they choose to live next door to each other, again their business. Just focus on you and your husband
Dude, she isn't going to remain faithful. She'll get to Europe, and the guys there will see fresh meat. There will be so many opportunities there, you won't even be an afterthought to her.
Ultimately, he doesn't show much respect for you unless he needs something. It was kind of you to help him out at times, but I think it's reasonable to consider that getting back in a relationship with him was a mistake. He seems to have agreed for you that you were getting married to him. This wasn't a proposal or even a suggestion. It was an expectation. Whatever behavior he's demonstrating now,……..I doubt it won't get worse as time goes by.
Ewwww, fucking gross. Very unhealthy behaviour.
Go no contact. Leave if you have to.
What did you want from this post? For people to Bash your boyfriend or…..?
She needs a real job if she wants a child not sitting down watching tv
It sucks now but it's a good thing
Idk, I think I’m going to trust that OP is more aware of the details here regarding her own father than random reddit commenters.
If you replace your role (daughter) with affair partner, this story reads the same, and that's horrible. I want to be clear, you're not to blame for this. You're not at fault.
Your mother put you in this position repeatedly, and probably during your early childhood too I'm guessing? She treats you like an affair partner rather than a daughter. You should NEVER have been put in the positions she put you in. It is not your job to “love her enough” and house her when her and your dad are fighting.
That is so many levels of fucked up (but again, it's not you, it's what she did!).
But now that you're getting perspective on this, please take time away from your parents. Get booked with a therapist if possible and work through the history of this.
Unfortunately people don't drastically change often. Your mom might try and treat you like this even after therapy, boundaries enforced, etc. At that time it's up to you to decide if you keep any contact, what contact if so, or not. Please choose your health and happiness. Your parents are NOT choosing your health and happiness and haven't been for a long time.
What happens when magically by accident oops there's only one king-size bed and no couch what oh no too bad I guess we'll have to share?
If a 36 year old man, dating a 23 year old young woman, is too immature to have a discussion without sulking and throwing tantrums like a pouty child, he's DEFINITELY too immature to handle a gun. Do not buy him a gun, and better yet – run from this guy. You can do better than a man 10 years your senior who is less mature than you.
Can confirm. I’m all alone in my marriage and I’m miserable.
I mean not really, the dog has a huge garden and home for itself and it gets daily care (food, walks, etc) better than being stuck all day alone in our flat. Hence why I said that my SO spends almost full days with him and comes back very late. So trust me, the dog has it good lol
If the dude is just your wife's play toy then he shouldn't be around your children at all. You dug a bad hole.
Is your bf single?. I’m a guy tho
She probs lost interest bud sorry! Find someone else.
Sometimes it is hot seeing the other person take the next step in life (graduation, job, promotion, marriage, kids, etc) while you havent reached that goal yet. It may not be about him per se, so much as a reflection about her own place in life.
You’re only 26 years old…you need to calm down. You have plenty of time.
You say this but Where’s the proof of this?? I don’t know anyone my age single anymore except one guy. And I don’t want to be like him
I've been in the company for a few weeks so I'm not 100% but I would say in my department we're more restaurant people. We usually go together during the week at one or two restaurants. So getting drinks is not THAT frequent especially after work.
“Always have a fuck off chambered for the people that deserve it”
What a completely brilliant phrase, I love it!
Setting aside the fact that you’ve been together for 4 years that you at least probably owe them an in person break up, here’s the thing about your letter, few people pay attention to all the fluff in a break up letter. It’s the break up part that matters, the rest often just comes off as bs. I’d suggest shortening it to something like this.
“It pains me to say this but I don’t see us being together in the future with these paths we’re both taking. Rather than continuing our relationship full of uncertainties and causing each other to be resentful or being hateful to each other in the end, I’d rather us end things here, while we’re on good terms.
I cherish every moment we’ve had together and I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for my time with you. So as much as it hurts, because I do love you so much, I do think breaking up is best. I hope you can understand.”
What I was thinking lol.
You owe nothing to your landlord. You are paying for their financial investment…and as a landlord (business owner!), you plan for things like these. If she was so concerned about OP moving out, she would have had him sign a lease. It's also not OP's responsibility to house-sit for her while she is out of the country. She may just need to change her plans to deal with her renter situation. That's the price you pay when you are a landlord.
Well if you don't want to go to the next level, then you should be fine
I mean, if the guy has no pressing engagements for the day, a breakfast buzz isn't so bad.
But it could be a slippery slope. Soon he could be standing outside the liquor store waiting for it to open to stock up on 10% tall beers or some shit.
Hold a minute. Wait just a minute. Let me me make this clear. I'm not trying to chew you out. I'm trying to make this painfully obvious, because you seem to be missing something very important here, and breaking up with him now could be a very bad thing. Not for you. For him. And I know that sounds like something you don't want to hear right now, but I say it for good reason. It is not meant to be a guilt trip. But people crack when they get broken up with on deployment. You might be the only thing he has that's keeping him going anymore.
Have you perhaps considered that maybe he's being run ragged by all the stupid crap he has to deal with on a daily basis? Depending on where he is- he gets a half day off per week, at most. If he's in a nice area, it's one and a half- and they probably aren't consecutive. If you're interested at all in pursuing a relationship with a guy in the military, this is a drop in the bucket when it comes to deployments. If this were active wartime stuff, he probably wouldn't even get a chance to call you. To be fair, Garrison is much better on relationships than deployments. Ask him how busy he is on a regular basis. Ask him how much sleep he's getting. He probably can't tell you specifics because of the military laws he has to follow. But you can get a general idea of how many hours he spends awake every day. He cares about you. I can assure you of that much. The guy is on a military deployment in a time zone with 6 hours time difference. He's always distracted or tired. He falls asleep during calls. If he's contacting you even somewhat regularly, he's probably on a base or gets back to one on a semi-regular basis. Depending on his rank and his job in the military, he's being worked like a rented horse. He is dead tired, so it sounds like it. He's falling asleep on a call? He could literally fall asleep on a pile of rocks right now with a boot for a pillow. But he still tries to call, which shows that he cares more about talking to you than than the sleep that he is clearly not getting enough of. Forgot your birthday? He probably doesn't even know what day it is anymore! I don't know if you've ever experienced sleep deprivation, but from personal experience, after about the first few weeks of only 3-6 hours a night, I get a fair bit forgetful, too. I forget the simplest things, like where the Hell I am. I also get very cranky. Everyone does. I have now been up for 24 hours, because my sleep pattern is just that messed up these days due to crap like exactly what he is dealing with now. I can honestly say that I have fallen asleep standing up. It sucks. I know one guy that fell asleep while marching- and he kept going, asleep, for 7 kilometers. I have personally witnessed people still walking after they had passed out cold from exhaustion- and they were just taking a week long military medic skill test. But your boyfriend is probably not willing to let you see that he is that messed up right now. He doesn't want to admit it to himself because he that would mean that he's too weak to handle the strain. Rest assured that he loves you dearly. You've just been missing some pieces of the puzzle and not understanding the big picture here.
If I can make one selfish request here, it's this: If you decide that you don't want the relationship, just wait until he gets off of deployment. That's it. Just wait until then. If you decide after he's back in his home country and had a week or two of proper sleep, and is back to somewhat normal, that you don't want to keep the relationship going, then that's ok. Because when he's back in Garrison, he can go see Behavioral Health if he cracks. Right now? He doesn't really have that option unless he's on some cushy base full of Officers. Too many people have tried to end it all because someone broke up with them while they were going through the major amount of strife of a deployment. Too many have succeeded.
I know that probably puts a sense of pressure on you. But you got into the relationship with the military guy. It seems you didn't ask questions about how his career could affect that. I honestly hope you too work it out and are very happy together when he's finally gotten some sleep. Good luck to you both.
Just don’t tell her that’s your plan
Please for the love of God listen to what people are saying. Your main issue here is the over involvement of your parents in your life. How is your parents speaking to him the thing that will fix this situation when they are the primary reason you are in this position.
If you want this man back then showing him that you have moved on from being the type of person who needs their parents to make important decisions for you is a must.
From your description I am confident he still has some feelings towards you, but I would seriously advise you to go no contact with you parents for about 6 months after rekindling your relationship then slowly reintegrate them back into your lives with the warning that any overstep on their part will result in them getting cut off again.
It's slowly creeping up on me
OP, this is an important thing to consider. As someone who’s been drugged before, please consider a blood test for any drugs. Idk how long things can stay in your system of how longs it’s been since this happened to you, so the sooner, the better. It might be too late, but the sequence of events and his calculated suggestion of a nap (seemingly without the usual “can I get you anything?” “Do you need some medication?” “What about some soup or something?”Those would’ve been my first thoughts) are really suspicious.
It does sound like an activity that could be avoided.
I’m glad you came back to give us an update. Sorry for the sad ending but given the gravity of what your ex-husband did and even his lackluster response after the fact it is definitely for the best. Absolutely thrilled to read that his own mother is busting his ass for this— honestly there’s zero redemption here for this guy. What is he even going to tell future women he’ll date? I mean at some point they’ll ask how his last marriage ended. “Oh yea— uh I knocked up my wife and then walked out at four months pregnant.” Jesus Christ
She not only cheated on you, but gave you an STI, and then lied to your face about it and only confessed when you discovered the truth. Let that sink in before you decide what to do.
I texted him and asked for a call. His texts went through and about 5 mins later I sent another text and it was green and did not go through, which just added to my stress and anger because now he’s not texting? Ugh idk.
You need to tell her. Right now she is building her entire life plan around you living her and wanting to marry her. You have to tell her that this isn’t the case.
Imagine if the builders were never going to build your apartment. Wouldn’t you want to know that ASAP, so you could stop planning on having an apartment to move into? So you could find a different place to live? So you could stop paying them?
This is the same thing. You have to tell her. There is no gentle or easy way to do this. You just have to do it. Do it soon so that she can begin to make a new plan.
She is planning to go to a hedonistic environment with all single friends. Planned and only mentioned not discussed. You know what happens, your girlfriend + alcohol and single friends encouragement is a recipe for disaster. Happens all the time the posts are here for you to read. You can’t stop her from going but you don’t have to stay with someone who chooses activities which are going to cause problems. The whole trust thing is stupid. People trust s/o all the time and find out years later they were untrustworthy, blind trust only hurts you. Trust is a continuous process bad decisions, and not being honest about what you are doing damages trust and kills relationships. OPs gf did not trust him enough to discuss this before she arranged it but he is the bad person. You are only 20 let her go both to Miami and from your relationship. You are not compatible why put yourself in a position to be hurt she is one of millions choose a better match next time!
Dude…why haven't you sat down for a serious conversation with her about this? Honest to goodness, sitting and stewing in resentment while counting the months until she notices is horrible. You can't do that to your marriage! This is relatively new in your marriage, you should be trying to work with her to get past this, and make it clear how hot it all is for you. What you're describing is barest minimum of communication, and then giving up, it's not the bones and organs of a marriage.
First of all, Happy belated Birthday. That was pretty shitty of him.
Second of all, it sounds like maybe your boyfriend isn’t as into the relationship as you think. A lot of guys turn into assholes when they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore in the hopes that the girl will dump them, in the mistaken belief that it somehow empowers the woman to be the dumper and hurts their feelings less. When if guys were just honest and said “hey, this isn’t working for me, I think we should break up”, things would overall be a lot easier.
Anyways, a guy who treats your birthday like that isn’t worthy of you.
Woke up to a text from her thoooo
If the relationship is over then no, you shouldn’t send him a text.
If the relationship is over then no, you shouldn’t send him a text.
Show her you are nothing like her and cut her off. She can keep the rapist as a friend. Now I wonder if she set you up knowing what he would do to you and that is why she has no problem keeping him around.
My favorite thing is how often the top comment of a post will be ‘if the genders were reversed here everyone would be saying the man is awful! But, like…it’s the top comment, so obviously everyone is responding in an unbiased way.
Why on earth is this any of your business?
A divorced woman is not obligated to change her name again. I am suspicious of your claim that your BF “put this in the divorce decree.” Have you seen the document?
Ok, it’s clear from other comments in the thread that you love and intend to stay with him. So my advice is this. Many times there is truth in jest. It sounds like he’s getting resentful of your mental state. I think once resentment creeps in therapy is needed.
When dad passed he was cremated. His ashes were in a urn
Family wise we all lived far apart and dividing them was not a option .
A dear man from hospice helped us all.
You go down to the nursery get a big pot r potting soil for roses and flowers. Look up your daughters birth month ours was dads birth month…you plant the rose bush.
If you have a yard plant in the yard. Dads roses were yellow.
Prune them if needed.. feed them as needed.. water them..
Talk to them about everything you want to tell or share with your father( yours would be daughter)
Flowers form and bloom you have the beauty of a smile from your father..(your daughter)
This way they are Always with you and bring you smiles and beauty. And a ear to pour your heart out your laughter share your day..
Your daughter is always with you in your heart.
And your still grieving. It takes time to heal there are many stages of grief we go through.
Please call hospice ask for someone you can talk to. They are amazing folks
Also get a rose bush. Name it after your daughter.
It really does help.
Really does. It gives us something to touch talk to and warm our heart when it blooms.
On your ex…. Let him wallow. Maybe some day he will realize what a mistake he made.
Focus on you . Hugs honey. Remember it takes time .
When dad passed he was cremated. His ashes were in a urn
Family wise we all lived far apart and dividing them was not a option .
A dear man from hospice helped us all.
You go down to the nursery get a big pot r potting soil for roses and flowers. Look up your daughters birth month ours was dads birth month…you plant the rose bush.
If you have a yard plant in the yard. Dads roses were yellow.
Prune them if needed.. feed them as needed.. water them..
Talk to them about everything you want to tell or share with your father( yours would be daughter)
Flowers form and bloom you have the beauty of a smile from your father..(your daughter)
This way they are Always with you and bring you smiles and beauty. And a ear to pour your heart out your laughter share your day..
Your daughter is always with you in your heart.
And your still grieving. It takes time to heal there are many stages of grief we go through.
Please call hospice ask for someone you can talk to. They are amazing folks
Also get a rose bush. Name it after your daughter.
It really does help.
Really does. It gives us something to touch talk to and warm our heart when it blooms.
On your ex…. Let him wallow. Maybe some day he will realize what a mistake he made.
Focus on you . Hugs honey. Remember it takes time .
Buy some home workout equipment. Work out with him. Having another person there is really motivational.
I feel like it's often because I'm tired. I don't feel like I have the time I need for myself. Or maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. Idk.
You let her get discriminated against and now you’re the victim?
Well about the social life part, of she is going out with friends or a party she couldn't come because she would have to travel back home 3 hours. This is what the situation was before we met and it changed when she could stay over at my place
Any ideas on how I can find out if he's telling the truth?
Time for some gentle honesty imo.
Give yourself a six week timeline improve or end the relationship.
Sounds like you have hidden your feelings way too much and now fear you'll be 'blindsiding' her if you break up.
By hiding your problems you have also failed to give the poor girl the chance to fix anything.
Time to gently address your incompatabilities/dissapointments…because she could suprise you and make changes ( if she starts to suspect what is on the line.) If not,at least she won't be completely blind sided when you dump her.
Examples of what you could say and a suitable tone….
Exercise.. 'I wish you loved the gym too, it's makes me sad i can't share this joy with you' (sadly)
Driving…'I nolonger believe you seriously motivated to drive and that has dissapointed me'
(Firm but sad)
Sex ..” Why do you offer sex when i'm clearly exhaused?” “Do you think we still have sexual chemistry, because I feel la bit like we are not gelling at the moment?'
( sincere & questioning)
Food/shop. .” I'm so tired of the mental load of shopping & cooking' I sometimes wish I wasn't and adult and could go home to my parents, don't you?' ( in a jokeish way for this one)
He is an abusive narcissist alcoholic. I dated one for ten years. Please listen to me and leave. He is gaslighting you by making you think you deserve to be treated this way. You get stuck in a cycle thinking it’s all your fault and then they love Bomb you and then the cycle repeats. This is not normal. This is not real love. This will continue to get worse. You do not deserve this.
He is an abusive narcissist alcoholic. I dated one for ten years. Please listen to me and leave. He is gaslighting you by making you think you deserve to be treated this way. You get stuck in a cycle thinking it’s all your fault and then they love Bomb you and then the cycle repeats. This is not normal. This is not real love. This will continue to get worse. You do not deserve this.
You are not the main character of some crappy wattpad fanfic. Wake up
Do you want to start a shitstorm? If so, go on. This could have bad repercussions, even if your sister and him ended amicably, it is weird. And ending one relationship to start another is a recipe for disaster
Also going after the younger sister after breaking up doesn’t paint him on a good light tbh
Lady. Move on. Your obsession is unhealthy and you both clearly have growing to do. Figure out what you want to do with your life that isn’t her. Focus on that. Pour yourself into developing yourself as a person. Then, if a long, long time from now, the two of you should happen to run into each other, it will be as improved versions of yourselves.
Do not build your life around. Connecting and reconnecting with a high-drama relationship. It’s literally an excuse to not develop as a human.
I was right, we are enough just the two of us or maybe we can get blessed with our own baby.
She literally says this. Unless I interpreted this wrong and she means that the guy said this to her, but I read this like she was hoping they could still be together.
Okay…please end this. During your engagement party she humiliated you in front of everyone with public foreplay. This is supposed to be one of those special moments in your life and it’s been shit upon. She isn’t wonderful. You can’t hold her hand in public but she gropes secondary partners in public. What’s going to happen at your wedding reception? Her four special men run a train??
I get she’s supported you during unemployment, and has some good qualities. But she’s willfully disrespected and disregarded your relationship. She does whatever and she’ll fight a girl who flirts with you. So. Hypocritical. If you continue this the price is your peace. You’ll become hyper vigilant, resentful and a shell of yourself.
This honestly sounds like a few things (not a professional). But generally, it sounds like your husband has OCD. The controlling and the demanding sounds like possible OCD symptoms/ exhibited behaviors are passing the baton, so to speak, to something that would affect his fear of uncertainty, leading to a sub/conscious want or need for control. Wanting OR needing to control life, ESPECIALLY feeling the urge to control others, is unhealthy at best, and downright dangerous and damaging at worst. I think he should sit down with an IOCDF-certified counselor, or at least look into meeting with an OCD specialized psychiatrist, to look into testing for OCD. OCD is more than “my desk is so clean, I'm so quirky” or “I absolutely HAVE to do a task a certain number of times” – but cleaning/ contamination OCD is a thing, and Counting/ repetition is as well. Thoughts that seem like leaps on logic, such as “You need to wear your sandals correctly” may be coming from a place of fear that you may injure yourself, or that something negative/ bad may occur at all.
IDK like I said, not a pro. And this is not singularly OCD-based behavior, IF he is indeed experiencing and struggling with OCD. But communicating with professionals, INCLUDING marital professionals, would be a must in my opinion, if you are looking to 'fix' your relationship, or to continue being with him. It matters, too, how he responds to any form of counseling. There's something going on in his head that an unbiased, trained professional should speak with him on regards to.
Best of luck no matter what OP, having someone on your life that is trying to control you is horrible. I hope you can get what you need out of this thread, and that you can get to a positive outcome in this relationship.
This honestly sounds like a few things (not a professional). But generally, it sounds like your husband has OCD. The controlling and the demanding sounds like possible OCD symptoms/ exhibited behaviors are passing the baton, so to speak, to something that would affect his fear of uncertainty, leading to a sub/conscious want or need for control. Wanting OR needing to control life, ESPECIALLY feeling the urge to control others, is unhealthy at best, and downright dangerous and damaging at worst. I think he should sit down with an IOCDF-certified counselor, or at least look into meeting with an OCD specialized psychiatrist, to look into testing for OCD. OCD is more than “my desk is so clean, I'm so quirky” or “I absolutely HAVE to do a task a certain number of times” – but cleaning/ contamination OCD is a thing, and Counting/ repetition is as well. Thoughts that seem like leaps on logic, such as “You need to wear your sandals correctly” may be coming from a place of fear that you may injure yourself, or that something negative/ bad may occur at all.
IDK like I said, not a pro. And this is not singularly OCD-based behavior, IF he is indeed experiencing and struggling with OCD. But communicating with professionals, INCLUDING marital professionals, would be a must in my opinion, if you are looking to 'fix' your relationship, or to continue being with him. It matters, too, how he responds to any form of counseling. There's something going on in his head that an unbiased, trained professional should speak with him on regards to.
Best of luck no matter what OP, having someone on your life that is trying to control you is horrible. I hope you can get what you need out of this thread, and that you can get to a positive outcome in this relationship.
Whatever else you do right now, do NOT bring a child into the mix until or unless the rest of your situation is sorted out and better managed. You make it clear you're already financially, mentally, and physically stretched beyond your limit with work and caregiving. Having a baby will only make all of that a thousand times worse.
Caregiver fatigue is very real and it's clear that's where you're at. If financially possible/resources available, you really need to look into some support, here – whether that's therapy for yourself to work through the decisions you need to make/how to better deal with your stress, or outside support for your wife and household based on her disability.
I already use an unscented soap
You guys sound great together
Yupppp. Strep bacteria
If she broke a stated boundary by sending other people nudes, it's not about “not judging her for it.” It's just about breaking up with her because she violated the rules of your relationship.
Thats a significant boundary that you should be vocal about.
I would say give her a chance, its possible that working on making something of what you guys have is more important to her.
I wouldnt frame is as a ultimatum just like “drug use gives me pause and really kills my desire to explore something more with you so its probably better we go our seperate ways. Maybe id be interested in the future if you arent partaking.”
I'm not American but my point wasn't that OP is wrong, just that wanting security is a valid mentality, since the first comment initially suspected jealousy to be the driving force behind their issues
this 100% OP
Why not ask for other rankings too? Sense of humor? Sex proficiency, intelligence, sense of style, etc
He’s taking thousands of your money and giving it to another woman and you’re wondering if you should ask him about it? Jesus.
Did she suggest or lead you to check the smart watch? Cause if so I'd have a lot more questions
In my experience women in general just tend to share more about their lives, and sex is a part of that life
Except they're sharing a part of their life that involves someone else without that other person's permission or knowledge even. That's nasty.
OP's partner is not saying, “Dang, we had an amazing night last night on the balcony of our hotel. It was so hot and I can't wait to repeat it tonight. We were like two animals” No. She shared someone else's kinks with her friends. That's just not cool.
Get help
Would you wanna be told if you were in his shoes? How would you feel if your son who you loved and raised lied to your face everyday, these questions might help you think what to do. Although I think you have already made up your mind on lying and are just dragging this out. Good luck! And you're his son no matter what.
I was about to say the same thing but this is much better stated than my attempt. Read this OP. Read
I had the results this morning, it says i need to wait a bit to have affiliation to others who took the test
I think the issue here isn't that she can't kiss whoever she wants but that being two ppl who are actively talking/pursuing something and talking bout being really into each other, it's inappropriate to kiss someone else right in front of that other person, especially after sharing an intimate moment and confessing deeper feelings for each other. She isn't cheating on him or anything but it is just kinda inappropriate at that point between the both of them.
no your husband it not just a pig because pigs would never do this
What he is though is a married man, acting as if he's single. Maybe he did send that to yoru sister by accident – that I can believe, but either way he meant to send it to someone who is not you.
You were considering separating before this, for me it would be a trigger. You won't be any worse off in terms of caring for the children will you?
Girls know piercings are ugly, that's why they get them. It's all just an exercise in gaslighting, a shit test, not really substantively different to a tramp stamp, or chopping off their hair, or clomping around in combat boots. Will you jump through the hoops like a good boy and praise the ugliness? Merely acknowledging that it's her body to mar is not obedient enough.
she’s easily aggravated and gets mad easily
Do you really want to spend time with someone whonis like this? Walking on eggshells all the time, no dude, you dump her.
I'm just trying to figure out what a hypothetical situation in which a woman is in physical danger if they control contraception has to do with the argument?
It seems to me that the implication is that women can't be held responsible for birth control because of the physical peril, therefore they should be in control of abortion. But in reality, condoms are not the only form of birth control and women are much more in control of all other forms. Outside of condoms, men can't even be sure what level of birth control is being used by their partner.
You two are probably heading towards a break up.
Everything about this sounds like it was a recipe for disaster.
I know there might have been an agreement to keep things casual and open… however, a lot of people fail in it when genuine emotions are on the table.
Your Gfs perception of you has changed… that is insanely hot to undo.
The biggest mistake here was this:
I didn’t want to tell her as I thought it would ruin what we had built during our LDR.
When she stated this:
I told her that I didn’t want to know if anything happened with someone else but she did.
She wanted to know, but you didn't tell her. She found out instead.
Not sure how things would have played out even if you did communicate upfront (logically the same result), but to hide it was like twisting the knife.
Personally, I think your relationship is already off to a bad start and may be worth reconsidering.
“If” this doesn't work?
Babe. This isn't working.
Obviously I can't say that he is a narc, but he sure says things that narcs say. Why stay with someone who's this shitty to you?
I would say here that you putting this effort to find out is not to save the relationship, but rather so you stop torturing yourself.
Even if you break up, you probably won't get closure because you won't know for sure if she did or didn't cheat.
You likely have some PTSD from the first cheating incident and you might need to see a therapist.
My view is a bit different to others – her behaviour is out of line and your partner has been open with you. I think you should meet with Kate and firmly (and kindly) explain how her behaviour is affecting you and Dec. You do have some jealousy towards her and some insecurity which is yours to deal with, but her behaviour also needs addressing. It's quite possible she is desperate for attention and affirmation and is misdirecting it.
She needs to cut it out and to do that she needs to understand the impact on you and Dec.
Hope you can nail it asap. Updateme!
I understand not responding if you are the kind of person who lives more detached from their phone. Both my boyfriend and I are constantly on our phones. As I mentioned in a previous response, I believe that simple updates such as change in location or any major occurrence isn’t being needy. Obviously it’s entirely opinionated, but if he can respond to his friends when he’s we me, then I think it’s fair to be able to respond to me occasionally when he’s with them.
She's stupid. That idea of her doesnt even work since the cells die immediately when exposed to air
you suck
Unfortunately, the story of an age gap relationship where the older one has the emotional intelligence of a pot plant is not uncommon. You can't build a life with someone who runs away when asked to have a grown up conversation. Particularly one about repeated behaviour. You don't say what the issue is exactly, but I am going to take a wild stab in the dark and suggest you have to be the adult about money in the relationship, he gets to be the impulsive spendy child. There is a reason why he has failed to bond with anyone his own age. He needs to face the music of “this isn't working, I'm moving on”.
No context needed. RUN.
Unfortunately, the story of an age gap relationship where the older one has the emotional intelligence of a pot plant is not uncommon. You can't build a life with someone who runs away when asked to have a grown up conversation. Particularly one about repeated behaviour. You don't say what the issue is exactly, but I am going to take a wild stab in the dark and suggest you have to be the adult about money in the relationship, he gets to be the impulsive spendy child. There is a reason why he has failed to bond with anyone his own age. He needs to face the music of “this isn't working, I'm moving on”.
Best answer anyone could give him
Thank you, most correct thing you've said this evening!
Thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately we did not put my name on the certificate, her idea not mine. Ive not been in a good mindset with the upcoming date of my leaving for the service. I guess you could say i’ve been so worried about being gone that i forgot that i hadn’t left yet.
Who's calling you immature & selfish? Them??
Then who gives a fuck. Tell them that. And then move on.
That's a whole lot of words that basically say “I'm in a controlling relationship with someone who's either cheating on me or is keeping his options open”. But it's not his “friendships with girls” that's the problem here. It's that he's practicing coercive control in undermine your emotional safety net. Isolating a romantic partner eliminates their ability to seek solace, advice or shelter should the relationship become so abusive you want to leave. It's something highly insecure people do to hold others captive.
I pretty much took the route there myself too. He asked me that same night when he asked me to come over what is it about him that makes me so attracted to him and I said the sex because its the most thing he has gaven to me. He didn't get mad or happy about it but didn't tell me how exactly he felt about it. This is one of the possible reasons why i think i was blocked again but again i highly doubt.
Some so called Therapists should not be.
Find someone who will help you with your needs
Tell him exactly what you said in this post and tell him if he wants a mature relationship he needs to be mature. Act like a man or you'll walk.
You need to have some serious introspection as to why you say hurtful things on purpose when you’re angry. That behavior is destructive and makes others around you feel uneasy and doubtful as to what you really think. Your fiancée is right to be upset with you. Own your words, offer time, more calm discussion, or whatever she needs. And accept that you may have hurt her deeply enough she doesn’t want to talk to you right now.
Yes. Celebrate yourself! You have achieved something huge and brilliant. Walk tall, proud and strong. Invite a close friend and be proud of yourself.
If you give in on this you will be putting yourself in second place for the rest of your life.
Yes. Celebrate yourself! You have achieved something huge and brilliant. Walk tall, proud and strong. Invite a close friend and be proud of yourself.
If you give in on this you will be putting yourself in second place for the rest of your life.
Yes. Celebrate yourself! You have achieved something huge and brilliant. Walk tall, proud and strong. Invite a close friend and be proud of yourself.
If you give in on this you will be putting yourself in second place for the rest of your life.
You might be right. It may be your weight.
You might be projecting. It may not be.
She may not consider you as close as a friend as you had hoped.
She may have needed to cut down the size, especially if the groom has people he would want included.
It definitely sucks. And it’s OK for you to hurt.
But, being in the bridal party isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s often expensive and extra work is involved.
As others have stated, don’t help out with expenditures or time on things bridesmaids should be doing. You’re not one of them.
Go to the wedding. Enjoy that time.
Polygraphs are t actually good. And given he was black drunk and (from his comments) she doesn’t drink so she was sober…
You're in a really tough position here. You didn't say anything that's unreasonable or unfair. That said, one thing really struck me reading through this.
Every single think you mentioned has to do with you trying to motivate her, or support her, or help her. This rarely works and you're living through that.
You do need to talk to her in general about this, but this time put the focus on yourself. It's a trickier convo, and you'll have to think carefully about what you want to say, but in a nutshell this relationship isn't working for you anymore. I actually don't think you'd be wrong to start with that, but I can see why you might not want to!
You could start more generically, and just tell her that in the healthy relationships you've been in or seen, each person brought something to the relationship,. There needs to be a certain balance that way, whether it's friends, hobbies, whatever. But you feel right now as if this has taken over the relationship and you're not having fun. That's the whole point of being in one!
One other thing. It might be the way you wrote this, but everything you say and do in here is fixated on her healthiness. If that's true, apologize to her for pushing it so much. But everything else you say provides the reason why you're doing it. This isn't fun, either.
Call around and ask if any therapist/mental health providers will work with you on sliding scale payments due to not currently having insurance.
There’s literally no difference. The double standard is strong with this one.
There’s literally no difference. The double standard is strong with this one.
well said! I hv been monogamous for 30 years & proud of it.
respect is earned not given
Where are you reading that she “desperately” wants a child with an ex she had a week long fling with and then stopped talking to? Because she wants to keep the child she ended up pregnant with, and has decided she doesn’t want to put herself through an abortion? Get a grip lol It makes no sense to sit here and tell somebody they need to get an abortion in this situation just because that’s what you would do.
They had problems cheating… and he proceeded to cheat on her. I think he has a right to know. I would tell him and see what happens. He needs to be the one to tell his fiancé. Once that step is taken care of then you can see where to go from there. One thing at a time, OP!
That little baby is going to change everything, but will be a miracle in your life. Rooting for you!
This is an out. Take it.
Maybe you should look at the bigger picture, because there’s so much more going on than simply not seeing your son for one night.
Exactly this. Willing to bet she'll take up with a new man before the year is out and “Oops, broke the promise to myself” which is a pretty sorry promise to start with. There's a reason orbiters remain orbiting, because there's no chance.
there is literally no reason to rush it… id be wary of partners who push grandiose gestures of romance (like a rushed marriage). If things seem really good right off the bat, let it simmer for a year and see if it's just as good then.
Youre not being selfish. If anyone is being selfish, its anyone who is expecting you to just completely forget about what your husband said, which was obviously abusive and traumatic for YOU..
Its not about how WELL everyone else can get over it. Its about how traumatizing your husband's actions were for YOU.
That said, I do think you might consider giving it some time and therapy. Its not normal for sisters and brothers to sleep in the same bed (Im not victim shaming you, either, I am just saying, even grown sisters dont sleep in the same bed. Kids might. Just not something adults really commonly do) I mean, if he had slept with a good looking female family member, wouldn't that have eaten at you too?
I think its worth seeing a therapist about.. for the feelings of being traumatized AND for the idea of needing your brother in your bed with you.
I dont see it as being inherently wrong, per se, but depending on your situation, religion, etc, it may indeed have also been traumatizing to your husband as well. I think its worth it to see a couples counselor for that, and see if trauma counseling is also available. For both of you.
But again, this is ultimately going to be about your feelings, since you are the one who wants a divorce, so I do think you are right for being mindful of them. Although, I also just.. sigh, sorry this is kinda all over the place…. think you also need to consider the trauma this might have caused your husband at the same time.
You are his wife. I mean, hes your CHOSEN partner. I think his feelings should be considered, even when his behaviors were traumatizing, because it just sounds like your behavior was traumatic for him also.
Take care of you. But with empathy, also.
What a mouthful. I wish this comment was more concise.
Toys
The difference between the groceries and internet is significant you realize? Like $500 more of a difference???
Your feelings are valid too. If you can’t be a source of her healing, which seems pretty clear, then it’s okay to admit it and not any to distance yourself. Things have clearly not been going well. Don’t invalidate your own feelings. She hasn’t been a good partner up to this moment. You don’t need to keep investing. You can’t heal her. She can only heal herself. But you can prioritize your own healing. It’s simply not a good set of circumstances to continue building a healthy relationship.
I don’t see how someone can force you to accept this goal of hers. She seems to have her heart set on it, you don’t see it happening. It’s all fine. It’s an incompatibility and the healthy thing here is to break up.
20 is awful young for either of them to have plans for the rest of their lives. Having a kid is biggest commitment of one’s life and not to be taken lightly.
He’s either ill, unhygienic or into golden showers. Either way you need to address this in no uncertain terms because your failure to be real with him will have negative consequences for all involved.
If he hasn't talked to her, all we can do is create assumptions about intent and her mindset about how to address it. She could have thought it was her phone. She could have intended to pay him back. She could be a selfish narcissistic asshole. But the reality is, this post sounds like the immediate response of someone angry and upset. It could be a massive red flag or it could be an honest mistake. Even if it wasn't a mistake, her response to his frustration very much matters.
I am half English and have family in London and have been going there my whole life so plenty of ties. I would have the ability to support myself there. My desire to hear from people that have been in this particular situation is because it is an extremely common situation and hearing from people who have done it, wether successfully or not, is useful. Unlike hearing from people who have in fact no idea what they are talking about as they have never done it before. The fact that you think it would turn toxic or abusive seems like a hot projection on your relationships. But thank you for your opinion
Because he thinks the flirting is fun. He saw your beautiful friend, put the charms on her, and she’s into it so he secured a date.
if you don’t tell her FIRST, and ASAP, the kinniving room i.e. might hold you hostage and use it as blackmail.
Bit bold calling this person an ex.
Why can’t you “flat-out explain” your life to him? He feels like he doesn’t know you because you’re deliberately opaque about your past. Unless you have no relationship with your family, the fact that he hasn’t met them three years in is odd.
I agree that neither you nor he needs to know the specifics about each other sex lives (ie: Bambi & I did it on a swing in the park. Lola loved it from behind.), it is reasonable & informative to know about each other’s romantic history (ie: I had 3 major relationships. I never made time for dating. I’m divorced bc she cheated.) I’m not sure the salacious details matter as much as the thumbnail sketch b/c the overall picture of your dating life helps your partner understand you.
Your bf’s questions about your previous sexual antics will end when you tell him you had one supremely unsatisfying sexual experience before you met him.
Three years in, I’m not sure why you’re not open with him.
Why can’t you “flat-out explain” your life to him? He feels like he doesn’t know you because you’re deliberately opaque about your past. Unless you have no relationship with your family, the fact that he hasn’t met them three years in is odd.
I agree that neither you nor he needs to know the specifics about each other sex lives (ie: Bambi & I did it on a swing in the park. Lola loved it from behind.), it is reasonable & informative to know about each other’s romantic history (ie: I had 3 major relationships. I never made time for dating. I’m divorced bc she cheated.) I’m not sure the salacious details matter as much as the thumbnail sketch b/c the overall picture of your dating life helps your partner understand you.
Your bf’s questions about your previous sexual antics will end when you tell him you had one supremely unsatisfying sexual experience before you met him.
Three years in, I’m not sure why you’re not open with him.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Regardless, of her mental health and you caring about her – its not your job to put up with abuse or be the wall between her harming her and self destruction.
Save yourself.