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Date: October 29, 2022
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Break ups are very hot. I think you need to know the first thing I learned in therapy:
There is a difference between knowing something logically to be true and correct, and believing it. Because belief requires repeated proof through lived experience, it is tied to our deepest most illogical animal feelings.
You know this guy is bad news. You know this isn't what healthy love is. But it's the only kind of love you know how to believe. You have to choose the logical answer if you want to be free of this man. Don't listen to your heart your heart still loves him, hearts are naive like that.
P.s. He hasn't been “allowing” shit. He's using your need for a home as leverage to manipulate you into staying with him/taking him back. A women's shelter will feel more free than this even if it's objectively an awful choice of place to live!.
Your parents are really making their own bed here. And that bed is all their kids resenting them for trying to control their relationships.
You are an adult and your relationship is really none of their business. But as you know, you need to make a choice that someone will be unhappy with.
If you think bf is the person you want to be with, he has to come first. If that's the case, make it clear to both your parents, well before Christmas, that he will not be discussing your relationship with them.
It sounds like your boyfriend is expressing a lot of intensity in his emotions and actions toward you, which can be overwhelming for anyone. It's understandable that you need space and would like to find a way to balance this dynamic in your relationship.
One way to do this is by setting clear boundaries and expectations with your boyfriend. Talk to him honestly and explain how you feel and what you need from him in order to maintain a healthy relationship. This could involve him respecting your need for space, reducing the number of texts he sends you, or giving you the freedom to spend time with friends without feeling guilty.
It can also be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationship issues, as they can provide advice and support to help you and your boyfriend work through these issues together.
Are you sure it's yours? That may be a factor in her wanting to give up the baby – so you don't find it.
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Bump
Does he seem dangerous?
Is he a busy guy? It seems like bothering him about it every month or so has been working so far, you can keep doing that. He doesn’t seem super excited or going out of his way to get married right now, it’s possible he just needs more time or he’s planning a specific proposal.
Tampering with condoms is reproductive coercion and you didn't consent to getting pregnant (which he was trying to ensure). It's abusive and scary behaviour. I wouldn't be salvaging this. You can't give him what he wants, and he can't magically undo that he was sexually assaulting you and trying to force you into pregnancy against your will.
Yeah you’re probably right, but again not telling him will just leave me in a relationship with no affection at all. I’ll think about talking to him next time I see him. Thanks for commenting
Updateme!
Hence the term misogynist
Mhmm. Kay. You'd rather not be told that she's got anything at all wrong because she's your perfect princess and you're not being used because you're choosing to give her literally anything she could ever want.
Yeah but he was EmoTioNally AbUSIve
With your live! in partner?
I’m just saying, my dad has IBS and he is a FARTER. The rules of the house were simple – fart away from, not towards. If your farts are really stinky, move away from everyone and fart on your own couch. That’s pretty much it.
He ought to go to a doctor Fr. If he’s got ibs or chrons that’s a lifelong fight. If he’s holding his farts in all the time he could perforate his colon or they’ll be reabsorbed into his blood stream which can make him sick or lead to death.
I agree here. If my SO did this, I’d rather just never know.
Considering the amount of provocative stuff on Instagram, it's plausible that he wasn't looking for it. I mostly look for videos of cats cuddling other cats. I get thirst traps sometimes because the people who post them also post their cats. I once looked up a clip from Sweeney Todd and got ads for meat grinders for a week, which is honestly concerning.
If his explore page was all porn and porn adjacent stuff, that would indicate something, but if there's just some provocative stuff mixed in, that doesn't mean much of anything.
If you were a horrible person, you'd either just be making a bunch of excuses about why you should be able to do whatever you want, or not care in the first place.
I know it probably doesn't mean enough to hear it from here, but I guarantee you're not a horrible person. I'd bet money on that.
Man…mental health care is flooded where I am too. I had to switch insurance to get any appointments. I really hope that you can get luckier soon with that. Does your home state doc not do any telemed appts? Virtual stuff?
That sounds like a pretty reasonable message to send. Just be careful about making sure the message is for and about her, and sticks to that. I'd apologize for specific things – temper, the live! status thing, blowing up her phone, not taking it seriously enough when she said she was busy, and asking too much of her.
The shorter you can make the message, the better. It's tricky. But yeah.
Don't talk about yourself other than to apologize for what you did. The less you do, the better, imo. It's too likely that it'll come off as beating yourself up.
Make it clear that you're trying to get therapy, and working on being able to be a good friend to her again.
Calm, loving, apologetic, and a little embarrassed is the tone I'd be going for.
And…there's always the risk that going off to college was the real reason yall drifted apart, and struggling with temper was just the nail in the coffin. It happens. I hope it's not relevant here, but if she's just nothing but distant even after this…maybe that was going on here too.
Especially because yall were fine when you were together irl.
I'm heading to bed because it's crazy late here, but thanks for being willing to talk through things like this even though none of this is easy, and I wasn't mincing any words in my first comment here. I hope it goes well when you reach back out to her.
Yeah, so he knows that is objectively gross. But he wants you and your kids to just take his opinion as gospel. When you rightly pull him up and laugh at his ridiculousness, he has a sook. And worse, gets angry. So he is deliberately putting you in a position that he can blow up at you about. I assume he would not take kindly to being out in a similar position. Charming.
We just double barrelled the surnames:)
You have a good friend. He is right. There is a reason older people date people who are half their age. The best man you've ever met is dating someone who he can manipulate.
Thank you I super appreciate this perspective