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Date: October 3, 2022
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This! I completely agree with this.
Yes that'll be our family home. It's a sensitive topic to her and we'll just end up with an argument. Though she also has her own expenses. And it'll just sum up to our “Husbands should be the provider” principle.
She's more of a spender than me but is still aware of the priorities only when it's already right there
She needs to work on herself first before she can be in a relationship with anyone.
You need to set boundaries and stick to them. You decide what's best for your health, mental and physical, not her. If this therapist is helping you, continue to see her.
The issue is that, any relationship with this girl will have an increasing amount of conflict unless you're willing to basically merge with her and become one. If you want to remain your own person, and you should, then you'll probably have to end it with her.
Also she's aware of her BPD diagnosis and working on it – then why is she using it as an excuse?
My friend. Your wife doesn't want children. If she did, you'd be trying for them right now. You're financially secure enough to have kids and she's 35. Everything she's doing is saying that she doesn't want them. When you mention that to her, she says that that is fine with her.
So listen to her. Your whole fantasy that she's “10-20% sure she wants kids” actually sounds like your “consummate optimist” self is just hearing what you want to hear instead of what she's actually saying to you.
It’s very likely that she is feeling the same way you are, but it’s at a point where it’s just easier and more convenient to stay. Have a calm serious discussion with her about it, decide what would work best for both of you to split up the household things and draw out a reasonable timeline to get it done.
Would it be insulting to be accused of cheating? Yes.
Are words easy to misinterpret and take a variety of different ways? Yes.
Is it possible that what you say, is not what she heard? Yes.
Don't take her defensive reaction as something to be concerned about. Anyone is going to be defensive if they're accused. I know you didn't accuse her here, but what she heard was a subtle imply of cheating.
Talk to her.
This sounds like a miscommunication.
He may react a certain way due to his own upbringing. My husband is now coming to grips w the fact that his parents messed him up and shut him down so he does the same. It's conditioning that's hot to escape.
Honestly, it's been a struggle at times when he spirals and shuts down, like when he was a kid.
What I've said in the past is that “If you won't talk to me, then I can't help you or the situation. If you want to ignore me, that's your choice. But I will not be here for whatever this is. I'm not your enemy. Stop treating me like I am. I'm going for a walk / drive (whatever).” Then grab your purse and go clear your head. I have often found going to a drive thru and getting a sm french fry and sitting in my car and enjoying the hard, salty, crispy fries gave me enough time to not be mad at him, for being mad at me.
I've also gone on hikes or went to the beach or library alone.
My strategy is this. 1. Difuse the immediate situation if he's shut down or if he shuts you down. (leave the room, apt, etc.) 2. Start therapy for you. 3. Schedule a couples therapy session after you've gone to yours for a while. He has to be on board AND willing to participate or it's just a waste of time and money. 4. Share articles or info on specific things. Like you becoming overwhelmed w too much info.
It's a process. I've been married forever and we're still trying to be better partners to each other while NOT downplaying our own needs. But your bf has to be willing to communicate rationally and calmly or it'll be fight, make up, repeat this again and again until we die.
That's not living, that's just waiting for the next time…
Leaving her is the best option for you. She does nit appreciate your efforts.
If she tries to convince youbit was only alcohol speaking, tell her she was acting indifferent towards even when she was sober (Btw how does you usually act towards you).
While I think staying with her would be a mistake, if she pleads you to stay you can consider it under certain circumstances. Those being her putting more effort in your relationship, making you feel fully appreciated, especially now, but she needs to keep it up later as well. She should treat as good as you treat her.
Now she would need to overcompensate for her recent behaviour.
Of course, simple break up is still better choice.
I didnt really expect him to be that angry at all. Its a given fact that my family and him are divided.
I went to a concert two night ago. Just me, my Dad and my brother again. My Dad actually bought my boyfriend a ticket for this one. And my boyfriend said that he wouldn’t want to go with them anyways.
He said its a given and its nearly always been the case that things are seperate.
I genuinely didnt think he’d get angered. Especially since the same situation had just occured, and he had a ticket that time. I sat next to an empty seat that was meant to be his.
Believe me if i thought he’d be that angry i never wouldve mentioned it. I regret it so much
And she is absolutely right. Your sister is toxic. You have no respect and you both need therapy.
Ur mom is a complete piece dog shit and what’s worse is she has the audacity to feel sorry for herself
It sounds like Y’all need couples therapy. You’re not giving her the answer she wants (which is no I don’t want PIV). She doesn’t seem like she’s in the right headspace to grasp everything.
I guess I’m just so hung up on the fact that if she split everything evenly that’s $40 total which would be insane. My other friend confirmed that she didn’t charge the third passenger either so it just seems unfair
The fact that I didn't think “no way, that would never happen” makes me worry more, than I probably should… it's really time for him to cut her off, or I'm gone. Not taking any chances here, I'd rather be paranoid.
Anti-depressants cause ED as well. As well as stress.