I can tell you that psychologically, people are inclined to devalue things that they can easily get, things that are offered all the time, and things that don't change very often. Make sure your sexual patterns don't always make it seem like those three things (I suspect you are guilty of all 3).
Hate to say it, but if you have a high sex drive, you need to learn self control or it will eat you alive and control almost all your actions. Try to save your sexual energy for your GF, and use that extra sexual energy to make the experience even deeper/more intense. You could also try to get some side action…lots of guys do it.
Bottom line, you also need to be making her cum, and making the sex as enjoyable as possible for her…and try to mix it up, enhance your technique, etc. By beating your head into a wall with her, she'll just grow more and more weary of your same routines.
Chlamydia can be dormant in the body for several years without any flare-up to trigger a symptomatic infection. This means a person could live with Chlamydia for many years without knowing because the typical symptoms don’t appear.
However, Chlamydia can cause a flare-up after laying dormant for several years if the strength of a person’s immune system has been diminished by severe conditions like HIV, cold or flu, and cancer, among others.
Although in some cases, symptoms of the infection appear within a few weeks of contact, there have been instances where Chlamydia remained dormant for over 20 years.
Don't listen to everyone telling you to leave her/saying there's nothing you can do… be supportive. If you hear someone catcalling/staring at her inappropriately stick up for her! Watch out for creeps and make her feel safe, otherwise id suggest as some of the other comments do try and find her a GOOD therapist that will help and listen to her concerns and try to help her heal her trauma
Ok I see your point, she didn’t think it was an issue but that’s lowkey a problem, how far exactly would she go? If a guy was giving her an erotic dance but it’s fine cuz she was gay, how far could this go? Could he wear a revealing costume and it’s okay? Could he change in front of her and it’s okay? And if he does do something, and my girlfriend still doesn’t see the problem, how do I know she won’t cheat?
Yeah the age gap is still weird. A lot of older guys tend to do that. Even if they don’t “seem” like they have ill intentions a lot of the time they do, kinda proves it with this post as he keeps pushing marriage and kids. Lucky you left now or else you’d have to be a nanny and a maid ?Thats sadly the reality
Just be prepared for her to bring her boyfriend. Look you are broken up and no contact for a reason. Don’t ignore that reason.
I wouldn’t go, or see her again for that matter. If you have feelings for her it will kill you inside every time she’s with her BF, or talks about him or………
You certainly are NOT over the breakup if you think you may catch feelings again. And you say something is off? Trust your gut. Your ‘friend’ might be trying to push you two together.
I feel for you…I do. But be ready to tell her this was not your idea and you have moved on, and want no further contact with her. If she wants to get back together tell her you’ll think about it. Commit to nothing.
Why is she reaching out through a ‘friend’ and not directly? Weird.
Throw the entire man out. Oral is standard issue, and if he hasn’t done it even once in a year, he can’t supply everything you need. Also, it’s fine to have preferences in positions, but to not even be willing to talk about it is a selfish, childish move.
As a bloke you have to be careful how you answer because if you give a makes real point of view you will cautioned or even banned. This site is patrolled by people who are WOKE and do not want real peoples views unless they are in line with there feminist WOKE ideas. Anything else, especially from men is not tolerated
Does he take anything before being around the dog, could be managed as simple as popping a benadryl. He can go see his Dr to get meds if that doesn't work . If not you and puppy enjoy your time and tell best of luck.
Idk why you’re being downvoted, you’re right. If I flip a coin once, there’s a 50% chance that it lands on tails. But if I flip it ten times, there’s a 90% chance it lands on tails at least one of those ten times.
That’s what we’re talking about here. The order of the events doesn’t matter, just the odds of him catching chlamydia at some point over the course of them having sex.
Might be a case of “Learned Helplessness”. I was in a similar situation once. My ex-husband and his family were quite wealthy, whereas I grew up in a low-income, single-mom household. I was a stay at home mom of a 2yo and wanted to leave desperately but had nowhere to go. He capitalized on this by treating me poorly, thinking I’d never leave the comfort of financial stability.
My days became bleak and dreary and I stopped looking forward to the future. One day I imagined my daughter dating and marrying a man just like her father, and I was terrified. She didn’t deserve that! But what are her options? Hide behind her fear and stay while slowly dying inside? Or face the fear of the unknown in a challenging situation but surfacing as a stronger woman?
When I shifted my perspective, I became empowered. I realized that if it wasn’t okay for her, then it’s not okay for me. I am someone’s daughter. I was once a little girl and I didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment. I realized I needed to leave for her, but also myself. I summoned a huge amount of courage by imagining that I needed to protect my daughter and the little girl inside myself.
It was easily the most difficult challenge in my life but honestly the HARDEST part was deciding to leave…and then following through. Everything after that was easier because by leaving, I was already a happier person.
I’m now sublimely happy, married to an amazing man. I often feel grateful for my life now. I have a calendar reminder every year of the day I left, and I want you to have the same. Find some courage by getting your dog out of that situation, or imagine your niece or little sister in your shoes. What would you want for her. Because you are her and you deserve better.
The friend/roommate is a red herring here. The real issue is you lost face with your gf when you didn't keep your word on something, and she's contemplating leaving you.
If you're wondering what magic words you could say to her to make things right, I point out that your word is no good at the moment. Wait until she decides what to do, and choose your course of action then.
Asking him doesn't hurt, also depending on where you live you might actually legal ground even depending on how long you lived together. Atleast you should be able to get some of the things from your shared home?
Yeah go. No matter how many people show up here in this thread saying the same thing, even if it's just the people here already listen to all of them that are saying it's time to leave.
Make it your mission in it's entirety with no give to be kind, respectful as you possibly can be and as sympathetic in nature as you can will yourself to be in this process but it's high past time to be gone now and it's been that way for awhile.
If you can do just one more thing with your life, make it this act of mercy to someone you say you have love for and get on.
I was in this situation. A good friend cheated on her husband shortly after the wedding. I didn’t want to get involved but didn’t agree with it so quickly ended the friendship. This was years ago and I absolutely regret not telling her husband. They are still together and have a kid and I wish I had been brave enough to tell him. The fear of not wanting to get involved isn’t worth watching someone else be in a situation you could have prevented. Even if he chooses to stay, everyone deserves to have all the info before deciding to stay with someone.
nah because how tf is he gonna constantly belittle you and accuse you of cheating, but then has the audacity to request an open relationship? and when you didn’t want that because of past experiences that left you traumatized, he called you emotionally abusive? honey he’s toxic asf wtf..
So here's the thing, maybe she genuinely isn't cheating on you. Why in the actual fuck is she going out of her way to spend time with him? She's not a moron and knows how this makes you feel. She knows how you'll have spent the weekend worrying about whether or not your marriage is a sham while she get's to go on a fun ski trip with a man she cheated on you with.
She's decided she shouldn't be punished for her past mistakes so she's punishing you instead? Any way you cut this, she's being insensitive as all fuck and damaging your marriage. How much did the ski trip cost? She values your marriage at less than that.
I’m sorry to say this, but you need to grasp your balls and just move out. You’re a party to disgusting and illegal behaviour, have not reported your sister, and are actually an accessory to a crime as you aided your sister in feeling the scene by picking her and her friends up.
You need to set a line in the sand, you either condemn her behaviour and disassociate yourself from her and anyone else who enables this vile person.
Or you decide once and for all that you have some semblance of morality and sense of self and stand on your own two feet.
Eh not really and I’d say you are projecting if anything.
I brought up those experiences not to wallow in them but give OP an idea of the types of behaviours that can occur from toxic drug use. OP doesn’t describe a single negative behaviour from her SO, it all comes from her end. Which is why I bring it up.
Your last paragraph is totally correct, and if this was a new relationship it would just seem obvious to move on. But it’s not new, and they live together.
So yeah that’s why I bring that up, OP has to consider wether their SO has really crossed a line or has just triggered her in a way specific to her own past trauma.
Also what’s with this ‘no psychologists would think this way’ garbage? That is a super cheap and manipulative, and a very lazy appeal to authority. Psychology is a very big area and pretending that there is one major hive mind that happens to agree with your viewpoint is laughable.
Surely you can make an argument with the half baked psychoanalysis? I’m basing my comments on the exact wording from OP’s post. You are imagining convenient traumas to deflect the points on my original comment.
Don't let him gaslight you! You aren't paranoid or crazy at all. If you find a dirty thing that isnt yours, then you know it came from somewhere. Things dont just materialise you know? Dont let him talk you into thinking you're just insecure or something.
Literally there is no better indication that some woman has been in your home than that, unless he has been wearing thongs himself.
Hey man, sorry to hear about your break-up. I know it sucks to lose a romantic partner and a friend group at the same time. I think you should give them some space and time to process what happened. Don’t try to force yourself into their lives or make them choose sides. Just be respectful and civil when you see them, and maybe reach out to the ones you’re closest with individually. If they’re really your friends, they’ll understand and appreciate your honesty. And if not, then maybe they’re not worth keeping around.
You’re still young and have plenty of opportunities to meet new people and make new friends. Just focus on yourself and your hobbies, and don’t let this break-up define you. You’ll get through this, bro. Stay strong and positive.
Stop doing things for him – you are enabling his ennui so it will continue. He states that he wants autonomy but won't even cook for himself. You are very caring and generous but you must consider his sense of self – he knows what he is like.
You are very young – do you want a life of this? I wouldn't. Why isn't he trying to get a job, any job? Forget your mission to save & reform him – look after yourself, your health, your sanity. Good luck!
If you marry this man you will put any children you have with him through the same experiences you had as a child.
You recognise your childhood was abusive. You recognise your current relationship was abusive. Do you want any future children to witness or experience what you experiences.
This man isn’t doing all these things from healthy, respectful love. What he is doing is a form of control and isolation.
Listen to those outsiders and seek support to break this relationship before his behaviour escalates further and he hurts you AGAIN.
It's more likely you look super attractive with that style and he's a jealous physco. Sorry babe. I've been there. My boyfriend got mad when I wore Makeup or a nice dress.
Don't flush condoms. Seriously, NOTHING that isn't toilet paper should be going down that drain, but especially nothing plastic. Leave her, she lied and is trying to baby trap you. This is deal-breaker behavior. Kids are a 2-yes 1-no deal. Yes, it's possible. If she is I'm so, so, so sorry. There's no recourse for men on this. Women have the ultimate desicion on whether to have the baby and get you for child support (minimum) or abort with or without your consent. Something I really hate cause I know some men who would have made great dads who's partners aborted when they wanted the baby.
One thing you will learn about guys, is that if we are friends with you, we will probably date you… assuming we are available to do so. There is a high probability that he will be receptive to your offer… so grow some theoretical balls and make a move on him. Maybe start by being a bit more “touchey feely,” then some flirty texts— you know the drill.
Okay, we'll try this one last time: she said that this guy goes 6 to 7 days without showering. That is unhealthy and unhygenic. Your comment said 'what's wrong with not showering every day'. Well nothing is wrong with not showing everyday. That was never what she was talking about. Really. This is just becoming silly now goodbye.
How is the fact tht uve wasted years on a horrible human being an excuse to spend even more years wasted on a horrible human being?
This is always my first thought in situations like this. You've already wasted so much time. Why waste even more? In a year or two or three, you'll still be with this awful piece of shit and you'll still have the same problems. Do you really want to do that to yourself? Today could be the first step to making sure you're with a partner who respects you and cares about you, whether in a year or two or more. But that can't happen when you willingly trap yourself in a situation like this.
The fuck are you talking about? Waifu? You definitely get none, move along dude, you’re wasting my time
I can tell you that psychologically, people are inclined to devalue things that they can easily get, things that are offered all the time, and things that don't change very often. Make sure your sexual patterns don't always make it seem like those three things (I suspect you are guilty of all 3).
Hate to say it, but if you have a high sex drive, you need to learn self control or it will eat you alive and control almost all your actions. Try to save your sexual energy for your GF, and use that extra sexual energy to make the experience even deeper/more intense. You could also try to get some side action…lots of guys do it.
Bottom line, you also need to be making her cum, and making the sex as enjoyable as possible for her…and try to mix it up, enhance your technique, etc. By beating your head into a wall with her, she'll just grow more and more weary of your same routines.
Chlamydia can be dormant in the body for several years without any flare-up to trigger a symptomatic infection. This means a person could live with Chlamydia for many years without knowing because the typical symptoms don’t appear.
However, Chlamydia can cause a flare-up after laying dormant for several years if the strength of a person’s immune system has been diminished by severe conditions like HIV, cold or flu, and cancer, among others.
Although in some cases, symptoms of the infection appear within a few weeks of contact, there have been instances where Chlamydia remained dormant for over 20 years.
Don't listen to everyone telling you to leave her/saying there's nothing you can do… be supportive. If you hear someone catcalling/staring at her inappropriately stick up for her! Watch out for creeps and make her feel safe, otherwise id suggest as some of the other comments do try and find her a GOOD therapist that will help and listen to her concerns and try to help her heal her trauma
Ok I see your point, she didn’t think it was an issue but that’s lowkey a problem, how far exactly would she go? If a guy was giving her an erotic dance but it’s fine cuz she was gay, how far could this go? Could he wear a revealing costume and it’s okay? Could he change in front of her and it’s okay? And if he does do something, and my girlfriend still doesn’t see the problem, how do I know she won’t cheat?
Yeah the age gap is still weird. A lot of older guys tend to do that. Even if they don’t “seem” like they have ill intentions a lot of the time they do, kinda proves it with this post as he keeps pushing marriage and kids. Lucky you left now or else you’d have to be a nanny and a maid ?Thats sadly the reality
Just be prepared for her to bring her boyfriend. Look you are broken up and no contact for a reason. Don’t ignore that reason.
I wouldn’t go, or see her again for that matter. If you have feelings for her it will kill you inside every time she’s with her BF, or talks about him or………
You certainly are NOT over the breakup if you think you may catch feelings again. And you say something is off? Trust your gut. Your ‘friend’ might be trying to push you two together.
I feel for you…I do. But be ready to tell her this was not your idea and you have moved on, and want no further contact with her. If she wants to get back together tell her you’ll think about it. Commit to nothing.
Why is she reaching out through a ‘friend’ and not directly? Weird.
UpdateMe
Throw the entire man out. Oral is standard issue, and if he hasn’t done it even once in a year, he can’t supply everything you need. Also, it’s fine to have preferences in positions, but to not even be willing to talk about it is a selfish, childish move.
No. He went quiet.
You ASSUMED he did not care.
As a bloke you have to be careful how you answer because if you give a makes real point of view you will cautioned or even banned. This site is patrolled by people who are WOKE and do not want real peoples views unless they are in line with there feminist WOKE ideas. Anything else, especially from men is not tolerated
Tell her so she can make an informed decision. You’re being a garbage human by withholding
Does he take anything before being around the dog, could be managed as simple as popping a benadryl. He can go see his Dr to get meds if that doesn't work . If not you and puppy enjoy your time and tell best of luck.
That wouldn't be the case here since she's the one bringing it up
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Idk why you’re being downvoted, you’re right. If I flip a coin once, there’s a 50% chance that it lands on tails. But if I flip it ten times, there’s a 90% chance it lands on tails at least one of those ten times.
That’s what we’re talking about here. The order of the events doesn’t matter, just the odds of him catching chlamydia at some point over the course of them having sex.
This is a very good response.
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Might be a case of “Learned Helplessness”. I was in a similar situation once. My ex-husband and his family were quite wealthy, whereas I grew up in a low-income, single-mom household. I was a stay at home mom of a 2yo and wanted to leave desperately but had nowhere to go. He capitalized on this by treating me poorly, thinking I’d never leave the comfort of financial stability.
My days became bleak and dreary and I stopped looking forward to the future. One day I imagined my daughter dating and marrying a man just like her father, and I was terrified. She didn’t deserve that! But what are her options? Hide behind her fear and stay while slowly dying inside? Or face the fear of the unknown in a challenging situation but surfacing as a stronger woman?
When I shifted my perspective, I became empowered. I realized that if it wasn’t okay for her, then it’s not okay for me. I am someone’s daughter. I was once a little girl and I didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment. I realized I needed to leave for her, but also myself. I summoned a huge amount of courage by imagining that I needed to protect my daughter and the little girl inside myself.
It was easily the most difficult challenge in my life but honestly the HARDEST part was deciding to leave…and then following through. Everything after that was easier because by leaving, I was already a happier person.
I’m now sublimely happy, married to an amazing man. I often feel grateful for my life now. I have a calendar reminder every year of the day I left, and I want you to have the same. Find some courage by getting your dog out of that situation, or imagine your niece or little sister in your shoes. What would you want for her. Because you are her and you deserve better.
Because he's just using you for sex.
You deserve better.
When did you get into couples therapy? I thought you'd only been dating 8 months or so. Was it pretty early on? Was it her idea?
Bold to assume they've ever been in a relationship.
Also, a job can be a passion for people. She's giving that up.
The friend/roommate is a red herring here. The real issue is you lost face with your gf when you didn't keep your word on something, and she's contemplating leaving you.
If you're wondering what magic words you could say to her to make things right, I point out that your word is no good at the moment. Wait until she decides what to do, and choose your course of action then.
Hes come for help I'm presuming?
Asking him doesn't hurt, also depending on where you live you might actually legal ground even depending on how long you lived together. Atleast you should be able to get some of the things from your shared home?
Yeah go. No matter how many people show up here in this thread saying the same thing, even if it's just the people here already listen to all of them that are saying it's time to leave.
Make it your mission in it's entirety with no give to be kind, respectful as you possibly can be and as sympathetic in nature as you can will yourself to be in this process but it's high past time to be gone now and it's been that way for awhile.
If you can do just one more thing with your life, make it this act of mercy to someone you say you have love for and get on.
It'll still go down the sink eventually
Have you thought about talking to your best friend? If she's really your best friend she can give your relationship the space it needs.
I was in this situation. A good friend cheated on her husband shortly after the wedding. I didn’t want to get involved but didn’t agree with it so quickly ended the friendship. This was years ago and I absolutely regret not telling her husband. They are still together and have a kid and I wish I had been brave enough to tell him. The fear of not wanting to get involved isn’t worth watching someone else be in a situation you could have prevented. Even if he chooses to stay, everyone deserves to have all the info before deciding to stay with someone.
nah because how tf is he gonna constantly belittle you and accuse you of cheating, but then has the audacity to request an open relationship? and when you didn’t want that because of past experiences that left you traumatized, he called you emotionally abusive? honey he’s toxic asf wtf..
It just makes me think of her with him
Why? She's with you now. She also has friends she wants to see her marry YOU. SHE'S MARRYING YOU.
So here's the thing, maybe she genuinely isn't cheating on you. Why in the actual fuck is she going out of her way to spend time with him? She's not a moron and knows how this makes you feel. She knows how you'll have spent the weekend worrying about whether or not your marriage is a sham while she get's to go on a fun ski trip with a man she cheated on you with.
She's decided she shouldn't be punished for her past mistakes so she's punishing you instead? Any way you cut this, she's being insensitive as all fuck and damaging your marriage. How much did the ski trip cost? She values your marriage at less than that.
your experience isn't everyone's, though. just because you don't think you could doesn't mean that other people can't or don't.
This is what I was going to suggest.
I am 100% with her. No real friend would do what he did.
Agreed. Message received, and understood.
Exactly
One of you needs to seek the advice of a psychiatrist
You two are NoT on the same page. He shuts you out rather than communicating and you have ZERO financial intimacy. Big problem.
And you, butting in and going around him with the ex was absolutely foul.
If one person doesn’t want to communicate your marriage is gonna suck
I’m sorry to say this, but you need to grasp your balls and just move out. You’re a party to disgusting and illegal behaviour, have not reported your sister, and are actually an accessory to a crime as you aided your sister in feeling the scene by picking her and her friends up.
You need to set a line in the sand, you either condemn her behaviour and disassociate yourself from her and anyone else who enables this vile person.
Or you decide once and for all that you have some semblance of morality and sense of self and stand on your own two feet.
END OF.
You’re on a dating app, so maybe he’s chatting to other people and got interested in someone else.
In any case, don’t hesitate to plan an IRL date and ask him out.
TBF, he might also think you’re not that interested either as you’ve only been chatting for 1 month and no attempt to meet IRL was made.
Eh not really and I’d say you are projecting if anything.
I brought up those experiences not to wallow in them but give OP an idea of the types of behaviours that can occur from toxic drug use. OP doesn’t describe a single negative behaviour from her SO, it all comes from her end. Which is why I bring it up.
Your last paragraph is totally correct, and if this was a new relationship it would just seem obvious to move on. But it’s not new, and they live together.
So yeah that’s why I bring that up, OP has to consider wether their SO has really crossed a line or has just triggered her in a way specific to her own past trauma.
Also what’s with this ‘no psychologists would think this way’ garbage? That is a super cheap and manipulative, and a very lazy appeal to authority. Psychology is a very big area and pretending that there is one major hive mind that happens to agree with your viewpoint is laughable.
Surely you can make an argument with the half baked psychoanalysis? I’m basing my comments on the exact wording from OP’s post. You are imagining convenient traumas to deflect the points on my original comment.
Don't let him gaslight you! You aren't paranoid or crazy at all. If you find a dirty thing that isnt yours, then you know it came from somewhere. Things dont just materialise you know? Dont let him talk you into thinking you're just insecure or something.
Literally there is no better indication that some woman has been in your home than that, unless he has been wearing thongs himself.
Hey man, sorry to hear about your break-up. I know it sucks to lose a romantic partner and a friend group at the same time. I think you should give them some space and time to process what happened. Don’t try to force yourself into their lives or make them choose sides. Just be respectful and civil when you see them, and maybe reach out to the ones you’re closest with individually. If they’re really your friends, they’ll understand and appreciate your honesty. And if not, then maybe they’re not worth keeping around.
You’re still young and have plenty of opportunities to meet new people and make new friends. Just focus on yourself and your hobbies, and don’t let this break-up define you. You’ll get through this, bro. Stay strong and positive.
Stop doing things for him – you are enabling his ennui so it will continue. He states that he wants autonomy but won't even cook for himself. You are very caring and generous but you must consider his sense of self – he knows what he is like.
You are very young – do you want a life of this? I wouldn't. Why isn't he trying to get a job, any job? Forget your mission to save & reform him – look after yourself, your health, your sanity. Good luck!
If you marry this man you will put any children you have with him through the same experiences you had as a child.
You recognise your childhood was abusive. You recognise your current relationship was abusive. Do you want any future children to witness or experience what you experiences.
This man isn’t doing all these things from healthy, respectful love. What he is doing is a form of control and isolation.
Listen to those outsiders and seek support to break this relationship before his behaviour escalates further and he hurts you AGAIN.
It's more likely you look super attractive with that style and he's a jealous physco. Sorry babe. I've been there. My boyfriend got mad when I wore Makeup or a nice dress.
And if that's the case hopefully you'd find a way to be supportive even though it's not your preference.
Telling him it's not your cup of tea wouldn't be a deal breaker but you can still be supportive in spite of it as well.
Don't flush condoms. Seriously, NOTHING that isn't toilet paper should be going down that drain, but especially nothing plastic. Leave her, she lied and is trying to baby trap you. This is deal-breaker behavior. Kids are a 2-yes 1-no deal. Yes, it's possible. If she is I'm so, so, so sorry. There's no recourse for men on this. Women have the ultimate desicion on whether to have the baby and get you for child support (minimum) or abort with or without your consent. Something I really hate cause I know some men who would have made great dads who's partners aborted when they wanted the baby.
One thing you will learn about guys, is that if we are friends with you, we will probably date you… assuming we are available to do so. There is a high probability that he will be receptive to your offer… so grow some theoretical balls and make a move on him. Maybe start by being a bit more “touchey feely,” then some flirty texts— you know the drill.
I went with him when he had the procedure and he was cleared after 3 months.
Okay, we'll try this one last time: she said that this guy goes 6 to 7 days without showering. That is unhealthy and unhygenic. Your comment said 'what's wrong with not showering every day'. Well nothing is wrong with not showing everyday. That was never what she was talking about. Really. This is just becoming silly now goodbye.
Just updated… I realized I left out some key details.
How is the fact tht uve wasted years on a horrible human being an excuse to spend even more years wasted on a horrible human being?
This is always my first thought in situations like this. You've already wasted so much time. Why waste even more? In a year or two or three, you'll still be with this awful piece of shit and you'll still have the same problems. Do you really want to do that to yourself? Today could be the first step to making sure you're with a partner who respects you and cares about you, whether in a year or two or more. But that can't happen when you willingly trap yourself in a situation like this.
I treat her amazingly. We’re the model couple in our community hence why I said double life.
I tried that….she did not respond well. I was told “I feel like I’m talking to a stranger”.
I apologized, but I think you’re right, it’s not something that is going to go away.
You are very clearly unstable and in need of some professional help