I don’t feel like I was looking to escape my relationship it just gradually happened as I was bored. But maybe it’s in conscious, I don’t know. That I was trying to escape my life in general is maybe more plausible.
I know some of my depression is linked to doubts about my life decisions but I don’t regret any of them. I just doubt them.
A lot of my depression comes from a lack of accomplishment and fulfillment outside of my relationship. My relationship has been my only focus for the past 4 years and I don’t have anything of my own to feel good or proud about. I am 31 and I haven’t lived for 4 years. I have survived.
I was dating around when W and I got together. There was another girl named E. She passed away during that time. W had found out about E and confronted me. I came clean right away for some reason. But when E passed away, W stayed with me, despite the fact that the loss I was experiencing was the result of a messy situation that I had created and drug her into needlessly causing her pain. But W stuck around through it.
“We need to talk. I need to be very clear with you that I am not interested in any type of non monogamy. At all. Under any circumstance. Ever. This has been brought up repeatedly and sometimes disguised as a joke. It needs to not come up again because my feelings are not going to change.
With that information in mind, are you sure this is the relationship you want to be in? Or do you think you’d be better off with someone open to non monogamy?”
Or to be honest…. You could just dump him because I’m sure he understood your feelings the first time and just doesn’t give a shit. But if you want one last ditch effort…. I’d address it very directly
I'm a guy MTM Waves, and it makes perfect sense to me. Missing a lot of info from her post. But from all the comments I read, yours made the most sense to me. Awesome points in many other comments. But yours just clicked the best.
I could use some advice. Should I just move on? Is there some way to explain to her why this still hurts me so bad?
For her this was 5 years ago, and also not that big a deal because she was the one saying and doing everything inappropriate. For you this happened yesterday, and you were the victim of her inappropriate behavior. She doesn't get the handwave away your feelings on the subject and she doesn't get to tell you when it's been too long to get upset about it.
As far as moving on, I don't see a way to do that without her acknowledging what she did was wrong without trying to spread the blame around and make this a “you looked at my phone so we're equally bad” situation. First of all, she ASKED you to look at her phone. Secondly, to the extent her privacy was invaded it was by her husband and shared with no one. Meanwhile your privacy was violated by being mocked and insulted by her and a crowd of her friends, all of whom I'm sure you've interacted with at some point and now you know they had been having these conversations about you. It's hurtful, and your wife needs to acknowledge that and own up to her bad behavior. If she keeps doubling down on “it's over, forget about it” or “well you looked at my phone so we're even” then I honestly can't see you getting past this. There's no way for you to come to terms with it if she refuses to admit she did anything wrong.
You can have preferences, sure but things like nails and smoking ( outside, not in a shared space)— that is her choice.
You can’t “convey your disappointment” enough she already knows. She lies to have some control back.
The breaches of trust: talking about private thoughts, going through your computer—- all that adds up to more dysfunctional.
Just break up.
You got your advice and you don’t agree with it. What more do you want?
I don’t feel like I was looking to escape my relationship it just gradually happened as I was bored. But maybe it’s in conscious, I don’t know. That I was trying to escape my life in general is maybe more plausible.
I know some of my depression is linked to doubts about my life decisions but I don’t regret any of them. I just doubt them.
A lot of my depression comes from a lack of accomplishment and fulfillment outside of my relationship. My relationship has been my only focus for the past 4 years and I don’t have anything of my own to feel good or proud about. I am 31 and I haven’t lived for 4 years. I have survived.
I was dating around when W and I got together. There was another girl named E. She passed away during that time. W had found out about E and confronted me. I came clean right away for some reason. But when E passed away, W stayed with me, despite the fact that the loss I was experiencing was the result of a messy situation that I had created and drug her into needlessly causing her pain. But W stuck around through it.
“We need to talk. I need to be very clear with you that I am not interested in any type of non monogamy. At all. Under any circumstance. Ever. This has been brought up repeatedly and sometimes disguised as a joke. It needs to not come up again because my feelings are not going to change.
With that information in mind, are you sure this is the relationship you want to be in? Or do you think you’d be better off with someone open to non monogamy?”
Or to be honest…. You could just dump him because I’m sure he understood your feelings the first time and just doesn’t give a shit. But if you want one last ditch effort…. I’d address it very directly
I'm a guy MTM Waves, and it makes perfect sense to me. Missing a lot of info from her post. But from all the comments I read, yours made the most sense to me. Awesome points in many other comments. But yours just clicked the best.
I like the way you think.
I could use some advice. Should I just move on? Is there some way to explain to her why this still hurts me so bad?
For her this was 5 years ago, and also not that big a deal because she was the one saying and doing everything inappropriate. For you this happened yesterday, and you were the victim of her inappropriate behavior. She doesn't get the handwave away your feelings on the subject and she doesn't get to tell you when it's been too long to get upset about it.
As far as moving on, I don't see a way to do that without her acknowledging what she did was wrong without trying to spread the blame around and make this a “you looked at my phone so we're equally bad” situation. First of all, she ASKED you to look at her phone. Secondly, to the extent her privacy was invaded it was by her husband and shared with no one. Meanwhile your privacy was violated by being mocked and insulted by her and a crowd of her friends, all of whom I'm sure you've interacted with at some point and now you know they had been having these conversations about you. It's hurtful, and your wife needs to acknowledge that and own up to her bad behavior. If she keeps doubling down on “it's over, forget about it” or “well you looked at my phone so we're even” then I honestly can't see you getting past this. There's no way for you to come to terms with it if she refuses to admit she did anything wrong.