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Dani or Daniela, 27 y.o.
Location: Medellin, Colombia
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Date: October 25, 2022
Anybody want to talk about the ?of the boyfriend going through her phone after one month of dating and dictating when and if she sees her best friend. They were not exclusive. She did not cheat. If he is this insecure this early on and showing signs of distrust then too me, that’s concerning. It’s not up to her to beg for forgiveness when she did nothing wrong. It’s up to him to figure out for himself if this is a deal breaker. If so, let her go. If not, he needs to get over it and stop acting like he’s been wronged. I have a feeling if it wasn’t this it would be something else that he would not feel comfortable with that would justify going through her phone and controlling who she spends time with.
Hey OP! I (28 F) was once in your shoes when I was 13. The burden of carrying it alone is far greater than it being known to everyone. This is a burden you should not carry alone, and it’s hot to not feel isolated in this situation.
As someone whose been in your shoes here are a few things I wish I knew/
1) First and foremost protect yourself, you do not need to know what happens behind close doors between your parents once your dad tells your mom. It is not your battle to fight, or your decision to make it’s theirs.
2) Please, please seek help. If nothing else having a school guidance counselor or therapist to talk to about this will help you process and I hope will help you in the future. No one ever got me help, I really struggled and had many issues in my early 20’s that I’ve since overcome as a result of this.
3) How you feel now, use this as a learning experience. In 10-15 years down the road, when you’re starting to settle down with a long term partner you know commitment is commitment and what being unfaithful can do. This experience helped me chooses my lifelong partner wisely and also made dating in my 20’s, albeit annoying for others, really successful in getting to know people and rebuild trust in creating friendships and relationships.
If nothing else, please know it’s not your burden o carry you’re still a kid and have so much life a head of you. Take the space and time to heal.
Crazy you are still into her considering the way she feels about your children
The comment you replied to even mentions that person being s stay at home mum. I think they're saying, financially, that it's insane and almost unbelievable that do many couples do this with one partner or more pushing for it.
Hi, I’m one.
She cannot have chlamydia and you not if you are having sex without protection, the only way it’s possible is if you’re still in the gestation period for it, on average 2 weeks. But you would have still have had to have had a big enough gap between her cheating and you guys having sex after that and then her doing a test and you doing a test for one of you to come back positive and not the other.
Has she been tested at any other point in your relationship? If not it’s possible she has it from before, but it would still be impossible for you to have had sex with someone for 3 years and it not have passed to you when you’re not using protection.
Either you not have it or neither of you do, when was the last time you had unprotected sex?
Not necessarily that I'm giving up, but that I'm somehow doing him wrong by packing his stuff and telling him to leave.
Pls keep us updated
I actually genuinely thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for leaving comments on my post. Some of them are hot to read but I hope you each know I am really thinking about all of the advice given tonight.
Of course
I am a guy. My gf asked to have a FFM a few times but I always said no because she had some feelings of jealously (normal) and that something like this would come up.
Your boyfriend did nothing wrong and if you value the relationship I'd actually consider not having threesomes for awhile to figure things out.
Ah, the good old “hey guys, I shot a kid today. Is it still illegal if he was underage and not legally an adult?”
Yes, it's cheating. Also, weird for you to ask us if you're happy in your relationship, but I'm guessing the answer is 'no'.
He's a prick
But I’m not lonely and horny. I got goofy calls. Me and dude I stopped talking on sept. Stopped thinking about him in October but now in December my mind and every part of my fiber wants him.
I expressed to him how my other relationship ended by my ex-boyfriend of 7 years being addicted to porn, and eventually it turning into him body shaming me, and that I had boundaries on the situation being compulsive on his end, he felt sympathy for me and said that that’s some thing he never does now today December 11 I find porn all through his phone.
Why did you put all that information about your ex-boyfriend into the conversation you were having with this guy? You set this whole situation up for toxicity by immediately making it about your ex instead of about the father of your child.
Why weren’t you invited?
If u control ur partners movements and then are hypocritical abt it rational ppl would quickly vanish from ur life
Condoms and spermicidal gel or film is more reliable than condoms alone and protects against accidental things like the condom tearing.
She can also get a diaphragm or copper IUD – both of which are nonhormonal.
2 pregnancy scares in 6 months means your current strategy is not effective.
Don’t get a vasectomy at 20 if you aren’t sure about kids.
I still want to be with him and I’ve told him this over text, but he just kept saying that he’s really confused at the moment.
That's his dishonest way of saying that he is interested in someone else… Just giving you the heads up on this right here and now.
I tried getting a vasectomy at your age and couldn't. Drs told me the same thing they tell women, past a certain age or have kids already
Fundamental incompatibility. The relationship is doomed to fail.
The above was the best comment so far. IF the grandchildren need to be protected from their grandparents, THEN their mother is right in not allowing the grandparents to see the grandchildren. But IF she's doing it to spite the grandparents, THEN she's an asshole who is using innocent third parties as a tool with which to punish other people.
I'm approaching my late 20s and have a daughter I don't see myself being in a mixed family. So should I wait to date after my daughter is grown up?
GIRL grow a fucking spine ffs
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Just because you spent a long time making a mistake doesn't mean it's worth continuing the mistake once you realize it is there. The overall malaise and lack of interest in taking care of the home is enough to make continuation strained. The use of your money for gifts, essentially buying yourself things, comes from poorly drawn lines in creation of the relationship. At this point if you try to withdraw your name from shared financial burdens you are looked at as the bad guy and withdrawing support.
Starter relationship or not, continuous growth is needed in relationships to show both are investing into the other. Stagnation will cause resentments.
Have the conversation about feeling used and the imbalance of energy and effort into the relationship. Explain that carrying the burden of being the bread winner is heavier when the housework share is also being placed on you.
Quantify his help to the workload if needed to help illuminate the imbalance. Let him know that you feel like sudden effort from him feels like a bandaid, short term, and won't be sustained. Let him know you are feeling hurt by his lack of interest in maintaining the relationship. This helps with the logic side of men with it being qualified and allows for the emotional side of feeling hurt by his lack of effort/interest to be expressed as well.
If he's still in it he'll try to fix things for the long term. If not, you can back it up with a timeline that works best for moving forward.
Best of luck.
Of course if it's all going to be too little too late, you can always let him know that you need to separate finances to see if it helps change things. Develop the timeline to push him out or move on yourself. Then do so. It's a bit colder. But after 10 years most tend to know what was malicious and what wasn't.
Not everything is fixable and you shouldn't have to pay for his apathy towards life.
Definitely feel like one too.
Lol you sound like Smeagol.
What do you think being in a relationship is for? What are the aims of a relationship for you? Because all I can see in your post is frustration, disappointment, a lack of respect and problem after problem whichever way you turn.
I divorced after 17 years of marriage. I wanted it to work. I had committed to something and had three children. But when you are the only person in the relationship who is committed to it, there’s little you can do.
It was scary. Why couldn’t I just out up with it? Marriage is tough, right?! I felt like I was being selfish by throwing a grenade into my children’s lives.
When you are in this sort of situation, you sometimes just let the days, weeks and months pass. But you owe yourself more.
I understood absolutely nothing but if you must have that many considerations when considering a relationship I do advise you yo not start it at all. Like everything gets more complicated the more time you go on ignoring your thoughts
He's not the guy for you then, cuz it sounds like you want other things in life. Quite frankly, all adults have the time and should have the skills to feed themselves.
I want to know where you buy these things out if curiosity but in also afraid of getting spammed with ads for them after searching ??
He may not have been gaslighting here, but it’s definitely controlling and gives off Narcissistic and insecure vibes. But then again, it’s hot to tell based off one small argument. I’d be annoyed if I were OP at best.
A very immature girl is throwing away an incredible man. You deserve better.
NatGuard, thank you for your service! You're describing a W who seems to have a very strong abandonment fear. That would explain why, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — and may have tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members.
She would view your spending time with your friends/family as your choosing them over her. It also would explain why she's unable to trust you — and why she probably hates being alone by herself.
This strong abandonment fear — as well as her abusive and controlling behaviors — may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no opportunity to acquire in childhood). My exW has this problem. If that is an issue for your W, you likely have been seeing 3 other warning signs.
First, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes and mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to validate her “victim” status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the smallest, most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Second, you would not see her expressing her anger to casual friends, classmates, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (e.g., against you or her parents).
Third, you are convinced she truly loves you. But you often see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you), frequently making you feel like you're “walking on eggshells.” Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do.
NatGuard, have you been seeing strong occurrences of these 3 red flags?
I actually really like tattoos on women. I have some myself and I just find them really hot when they are on women (for the most part). It’s definitely your body, so only you can decide what can/can’t go on your body. He’s a total POS, and personally I wouldn’t be with someone that talked to be like that. Even if he doesn’t like tattoos, there are much better ways to say it. He just didn’t care. And I think it’s a really cool idea to cover up those scars.
You are overthinking this.
Love doesn’t make people actually literally think their partner is the most physically attractive person in the world. It makes them add up all the various things that don’t normally add together in physical attractiveness and the words that come out are “you are the most beautiful woman in the world”. And sometimes even if you aren’t really feeling it in the moment you say it because you know it will come back.
Please, please just don’t say to her “I think we should break up because I saw a more beautiful girl and I don’t think you’re the prettiest girl in the world”. She, and the vast majority of the world, know that it isn’t meant literally
I think this depends. I prefer living alone, so I would charge a significant other market rent even if my mortgage was $0. I would only want someone to live! with me if they liked me a LOT, not because they needed free room and board.
Lmao it is not selfish to not want to raise and be responsible for another human being for the rest of your life
First, you need to get yourself to a doctor if you haven't already. Between PCOS, endometriosis, and the weird mini pill specific risk for ectopic implantation, you need to make sure this is a pregnancy that's even viable at this stage.
PCOS significantly increases the risk of first trimester miscarriage. If you do want to keep this pregnancy, you need to talk to your doctor ASAP about how to minimize that risk.
What is the power struggle stage? I think I missed that part when dating my now wife.
I always liked it to be simplified. When I lived with a roommate and his GF we just split the rent 3 ways and they got the master bedroom. We could have done all sort of calculations, but it made more sense because you don't spend a ton of time in your room. You spend most of your time awake in the shared spaces.
Thank you so much for your support! I was hesitant about going to Iceland because I've heard mixed things on Blue Lagoon but it sounds so delicious to sit in that water. Your comment literally pumped me up because I can totally see myself holding his warm hand in that water. Thank you again!
He’s walking you gently gently to the outcome he desires. And in doing so he’s easing you into agreeing. Which isn’t terrible as it not as traumatic and stressful, but it’s giving you false hope to a degree.
Be friendly. Get the divorce. Allow yourself time to adjust. But work toward being independent and starting fresh
You take a few days to figure out how to phrase EXACTLY IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL what the doctor told you, you tell her how much you care about her and you tell her that you are willing to step back and let her move on, that you are scared (and we know you are) and don't want to hurt her more if she stays.
Tell her what you really feel, don't bullshit like “I'm leaving you to protect you”, don't ghost or be a dick.
If she leaves with a solid understanding of the situation her life we be a ton better than anything you had planned and if she stays, even with all that honesty about grim possibility you love each other like every day is your last.
I'm inclined to believe the age difference makes a difference. to him it was a joke, a 43 yo immature guy thinks that way. you are still relatively young (I have a 30yo daughter, I think of her same way), you're young, it's perfectly natural to feel offended. sounds like he is deflecting thereby leading to you feeling Invalidated. recipe for disaster if he doesnt come around to understanding how u feel. needs to be a sit down work it out discussion
I suggest YOU get therapy. You're not going to get therapy until it's detrimental to your dental? That's just absurd…
This is on her tbh, there is nothing shady about giving a friend a lift home from work if you are passing by.
That she's become jealous is an indicator of problems with their relationship, or perhaps she's just having a really hot time with something, which is kind of the same thing.
Yeah I know I'm kind of an intense guy, but I just have strong feelings about them.
I've thought about having a direct conversation but it just seems so stupid and childish to say “you guys don't like me enough”
I just don't like how I feel about all of this
Weddings are expensive, if there is a limited guest count, neutral is not ever invited.
Your point is taken though. I’ll assume it’s not a guest headcount issue.
You need to break up. She's too needy and you lack empathy. Sometimes people want to be able to vent without giving solutions, and you'll need to learn that if you want to have a successful relationship. But on the other hand, she sounds fucking exhausting, and the twisting around meanings and assigning intent where there is none is a dealbreaker for me (that's how my ex used to emotionally abuse me).
So, break up with her, because she needs some therapy on how to handle her emotions and not to abuse people by assigning non-existent motives. And you could do well to learn more about empathy and how to deal with other people's emotions without simply cutting them off, because that's not healthy for you either.
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
FaceTimed extensively and seen her license. Literally everything has been fine since until she dropped this on me
I know she does. I agree with you. It was childish and absolutely disgusting.
Sorry if you don’t like this. But reading your post I complete understand why your wife has no time for sex. You approach the subject of your sex drive like a chore she needs to add to her list. There is no discussion of what makes it exciting for her, just discussion of how much pressure you should pile onto her to “do a little more”. You say that her not being interested doesn’t sit right with you but essentially what you’re pushing for here is for her to be a better actress and pretend more realistically that she’s interested.
Speaking of piling on more, her plate is already overflowing. You do the bare minimum which is obvious by the fact that you seem to believe that wiping a table, taking out the trash, emptying a dishwasher, pressing a button on a washing machine and folding some laundry equates to 50% of the chores needed to make a home. And you seem to think that throwing money at professional solutions like a spa day makes up for that. I’m sure those gifts are appreciated — if she has time to use them — but they don’t make up for an attitude.
She thinks they will just know. This was a bit surprising for me because I think she is saying that I present as “a bit gay”. For what it's worth when I've previously told partners that I'm Bi some were surprised and some weren't so I guess some people can pick up on my bi vibes or just guessed
UPDATE: Thank you all for the reply's and advice. I think I've figured out what im going to do! Cheers
My feelings would be really hurt. That’s a horrible thing to say. This is your fiancé? That’s not good. You need to talk about it. Start with telling her that she really hurt your feelings. Why does she want to marry you if this is a true representation of how she views you? I’m really sorry. That’s harsh.
He revealed in the comments that he is highly verbally abusive, “calling her derogatory slurs a lot, but only when it doesn't get across to her what I am trying to explain” (direct quote from him).
That is seriously gross. Does he try to plow over your preferences in other matters too?
Yes, because why would he keep calling you she/her if you told him your pronouns are they/them?
I think he is expecting her to say great, you get everything. I will just leave if you want me to. But if you like I will stick around and keep on doing everything that I do for the house.
Not pregnant, the smell of cigarettes is revolting. You didn’t mask it well because the smell isn’t maskable – you just layered other scents over the top and she tolerated it.
How about quit for the sake of her and your baby?
Have you gotten so drunk before that you've blacked out? Has your boyfriend had concerns about your best friend being a little too friendly with you?
Your boyfriend dumped you without hearing an explanation, which is his right, but you might want to ask yourself why he didn't want to hear an explanation.
She is still in high school, so unfortunately, her parents really do have quite a bit of control over her life. (She’s only in high school for a few more months though, right?)
Your concerns are very realistic, tbh. Yes, it is most likely that you two would drift apart in the Air Force. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, though. You’re both young, and quite frankly, should be more focused on your futures than anything else. So I commend you for taking your job hunt seriously and saving up for a car!
Sometimes, timing is very complicated! It sounds like you really love her, and want to make it work. Unfortunately, I think you just have to wait for her, or move on. Especially if she isn’t willing to go against her parents demands in any way.
Please don't act like you don't have control over your own actions. You're not helpless to stop yourself. Simply don't do it.
I don’t know. But I guess you’re going to have to work out why you end up doing this to each other. Maybe get some couples counselling to help unpick what is going on between you because it doesn’t sound too healthy.
Maybe you’re afraid of him rejecting you or you’re insecure about certain things so you go on the attack when he calls out your faults? Then it’s an escalating battle. (I’m just giving examples, not trying to say it’s your fault.) But you need to be able to communicate better because otherwise you’re just going to keep pushing each other’s buttons .
I don’t know. But I guess you’re going to have to work out why you end up doing this to each other. Maybe get some couples counselling to help unpick what is going on between you because it doesn’t sound too healthy.
Maybe you’re afraid of him rejecting you or you’re insecure about certain things so you go on the attack when he calls out your faults? Then it’s an escalating battle. (I’m just giving examples, not trying to say it’s your fault.) But you need to be able to communicate better because otherwise you’re just going to keep pushing each other’s buttons .
I don’t know. But I guess you’re going to have to work out why you end up doing this to each other. Maybe get some couples counselling to help unpick what is going on between you because it doesn’t sound too healthy.
Maybe you’re afraid of him rejecting you or you’re insecure about certain things so you go on the attack when he calls out your faults? Then it’s an escalating battle. (I’m just giving examples, not trying to say it’s your fault.) But you need to be able to communicate better because otherwise you’re just going to keep pushing each other’s buttons .
Naa, she probably went through that when the one person she truly loved dumped her. After all, OP is not that person, and not even a friend. ?
Whoa. I didn't even think of that. OP, the more people think about her story the more and more holes are getting exposed.
If she did her spa treatment after the massage, then there was no reason for her to have her street shirt on.
This is a very cynical thought: What are the odds that she had her LMT giver her usual massage 'treatment' while she was still in her street cloths and then went on to get the spa treatment done.
I work with adolescents and I can assure you I’ve seen countless 12 year olds that I’ve had to do a double take to check their age. For girls, especially that’s a weird age where some mature very early and can easily be mistaken for 16 or older. I can’t even say that behaviors are a clue to age because some of these 12 year old girls are quite Street smart, manipulative, and fairly promiscuous. The reasons for that, though, are where the problems lie and why they end up in my care.
No. Why would you do that? She doesn’t want to hear from you.
That means she doesn’t want to hear from you.
Nah it is your space. As long as you aren't disruptive, playing loud music, or insisting on tagging along, then I really don't see the issue. Just stay in the bedroom with some video games or movies and headphones, and it will be like you aren't even there. She gets to expect alone time, but she doesn't get to demand you leave for it. If it bothers her that much, she can have one of them host or rent out a space
For real, why would she want to be a “giver” to a dude who doesnt even care or believe that certain things hurt her lol
Don't go unless your BF is also invited.
But is it possible that your parents aren't impressed by you dating for 15 years and not being married?
You sound like a shit shag but you know you keep on disappointing fella.
So you’re going to feed into negative stereotypes?
Lmao. “Put a target on her back.”
No, her Mom did that. If she's scared of being a Trumpanzee, maybe she should reconsider her devotion. ?
Yeah but i have left her once and tried to leave her again, last time i tried doing that she cried and i couldnt left her.
Oh – maybe I replied under the wrong comment!
I don't think he thinks it's weird to be fit.
His view is “why pay $50 to run in a 5K race when you can just go on a 5K run”.
Whether or not we agree with that view I think it is a bit different from “fitness is weird”.
Is he on any kind of anti depressant? If so he could definitely have a low libido from the meds
They haven't been together for about 7 years now and he has atleast 50 pictures of them cuddling and kissing on his profile.
What the?! That's just weird man. If he wants to keep those memories he can download them and file them away or make those pictures “private” for his eyes only I still find it odd to either way to continue to hold onto them. He's disrespecting you and your relationship by continuing to have those out there and public.
Your wife is a terrible person denying your child like that. I don’t know how you aren’t madder at her. I would tell her that she needs to tell everyone what a shitty human she is and that this is in fact your child. And that she cares so much about appearances that she made a kid, feel like he doesn’t have a place in his fathers home. Because she thinks she is better than everyone else. That’s what this comes down to she thinks she is better and she isn’t, she is a terrible person.
I’d be annoyed by you too
She told me that she may want to go back to him before he put his hands on her. Now she wants nothing to do with him
That's what she says but I can, with a very high level of certainty, assure you that this is going to become a back and forth game. Maybe she does want to go back with him, no she wants you, no she wants him, etc.
Let it go and stay no contact. She has friends and family that she can reach out to for help. If people make the connection to you about the comic, just say you don't know and you don't talk to her anymore. Dismiss it and move on as it's just a call for attention again and not in a healthy way.
Tell him that he’s allowed to do that at HIS wedding, but someone else’s formal event is not a place for him to try and shine. That day will not be about him.