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CurvyJules, y.o.
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Date: October 18, 2022
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Or y'know, don't do things that are just catering to someone else's unnecessary insecurity. Because doing those things won't help, he'll just find some other way to be insecure about her trainer or someone else, like a coworker.
My parents have both told me that I was responsible for their suicidal ideation in the past. Do you think I was?
(If it matters, in my dad's case, he told me I could confide in him and I expressed being sad/frustrated about the state of my realtionship with my sister. I can't begin to understand how my mom saw the world to articulate why I was responsible for her feelings.)
I really struggled with that. It honestly still hurts. But I have no hesitation in saying that you're not responsible for your husband's potential suicidal feelings, because I hold myself to deeply unreasonable standards but I can see your situation clearly.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but have you considered that your support is enabling your husband to limp through life in a state of constant misery? If you leave, he might be motivated to make changes. My mom drank herself to death, and I can't tell you how many hours I spent wondering where the line between “harm reduction” and “enabling” was. I really, sincerely do get it. But staying doesn't guarantee that he won't kill himself. Leaving doesn't guarantee that he will. What you actually know is 1) he is deeply unhappy and 2) he is not currently taking any steps to improve his situation or outlook. You can't control what he does. But 1) and 2) apply to you, too, and you can control what you do.
I have a lot of issues with the 12-step/AA format, but I also got a lot of useful support from AlAnon. The Serenity prayer, which asks for “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” springs to mind.
My mom, my dad and I all had depresseion and anxiety to deal with. My mom drank herself into a stupor. My dad lost decades of his life alternately burying his head in the sand and running himself ragged trying to “babyproof” all the emotional sharp corners and outlets in the world to eliminate the “reasons” she drank. I got therapy, I found groups, I got medicated, I got two degrees, and most importantly I got out. I spent years trying to pull him out of the situation before realising I was doing the exact same thing with him that he was doing with her. The cold very hot truth was that neither of us could help someone who didn't want to be helped. I spent most of my life feeling like I was treading water, nearly drowning as I tried to keep the whole family from going under. Then I got out of the pool, because I couldn't force them to do that, but I could be an example. I sincerely thought my dad would have a breakdown, but you know what? He was okay. I think he actually drew some boundaries and took some baby steps back, leaving him happier tban he'd been when I was snabling him.
I know it's a lot easier to give advice than to on-line this, that's why groups were so helpful for me (it helped drive home the disconnect between what I expected of others vs myself). You should try to look for some kind of regular support – a group, something on-line, an individual therapist. I hope your life gets easier. You deserve to be happy.
(Sorry about the novel-length response.)
Thank you for the feedback, I do feel the same way that it’s too early for drama in the relationship. I am trying to believe her that he is just a friend and nothing else, but the work relationship that turned to something more was that same we had together.