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Date: December 5, 2022
So are people responsible for what they say when they're upset, or not? I'm 100% in agreement that she gets the top score for worst single comment made in this whole debacle, and needs to get a handle on her shit before she tanks the relationship. But hers was also made in response to a pretty extreme escalation (saying that a technical issue is life or death), which also tends to not elicit the most helpful responses from others. And then yeah ditto what you said about him ruminating after the fact. Which is why I think if they both worked on controlling themselves when upset, there would be a lot of room for them to communicate better.
When someone is escalating you are unable to have a an appropriate social response. He has to process and calm his polyvagal response before he can begin to use his rational brain.
The field of Dialectical Behavior Therapy is based, among other things, on the idea that people CAN reach their rational brains even when extremely escalated. It is much more difficult to respond appropriately when upset, but it is possible and the more people practice it the easier it gets. Even people with extreme impulsivity and reactivity can learn to do this. Now I'm certainly not expecting OP to just suddenly do this the next time he's panicked after one Reddit thread, but I think that telling him he has literally no control over himself at all once he gets to that place, is robbing him of agency and gets in the way of taking those steps if/when he's ready. Some people may need years of DBT or other therapy, but many people, if they TRY to increase their awareness and take responsibility, can take huge steps on their own. And like obviously talking with your partner about not invalidating the shit out of you helps, too, which I'll just point out once more that I have agreed about from the start!
Fair enough. Would you say you're compatible? Do you want the same things? Are there red flags you've brushed off? Any other issues that haven't been addressed?
sounds like you rushed into marriage with a man child.
in his defense, I was kind of a slacker at 23, but I got it together around 25. I wouldn't expect you to stick together, as my gf at the time didn't hang in there with me (with good reason).
I think you just need to be real with him and give him some very strict guidelines. You shouldn't have to carry him, and forcing him to take up for himself might be just the kick in the pants he needs to get his life together.
A mature man ?
You may want to investigate if this will allow your brother to challenge the estate for the money. It might depending which province you are in.
Then you should of told him that then instead of literally ghosting him. Just because you apologize doesn't mean he owes you an explanation or anything. Accept the fact you fucked up by not communicating, and move on.
It all boils down to one comment and question:
This is what your marriage is going to be like. Do you want that?