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Date: October 25, 2022
You certainly can. I would offer support during her pregnancy, have a DNA test done (they can do it with you and the child to establish that you are filiated biologically), and results pending, establish a good relationship with mom. She can include you, you can participate, and your son’s (in)actions aren’t going to stop that.
You've been together for over 20 years. I'm not sure why you're shocked that he hasn't changed in all that time. That's who he is.
When you say you wash down there regularly, what exactly do you mean? Like, just the outside or do you try to wash the inside? Because if you wash the inside, what he says may have some merit. Even if you're just using water, you're gonna throw off your pH because you're washing out the good bacteria in there.
If you wash only the outside with soap everyday, then yeah he's full of it and a douche.