I apologize if there are any formatting issues. I messed up and put my sons age in and didn’t have a proper throwaway account so had to repost several times.
I am sorry for any mistakes, I have been unable to sleep and really struggling. I feel emotionally drained. My wife “Amy” (35F) left me (36M) after I was contacted by an ex and discovered I had a son. I tried to post his age but my post gets removed so I just want to clear up that he was born 3 years before I married my wife and there was absolutely no overlap or cheating in my wife and I’s relationship. This happened a month ago and I requested a paternity test. Amy didn’t say much while we waited for results but agreed that if I was the father I needed to be in my sons life in every way possible. 2 weeks ago the results came back that I am the father and immediately Amy said she wanted a divorce and began packing her and our children’s belongings. I was confused and asked her why but she just cried and said she loved me.
Amy and I have been married for 10 years. Our marriage has been pretty damn close to perfect. No serious arguments, same goals, we’ve traveled the world together, we have a beautiful home, rewarding careers, and fantastic children together. I am so heartbroken that she’s thrown everything away, I feel like my life has been destroyed. I have no clue what to do. I have begged and pleaded for therapy and my wife refuses. She has started the divorce process.
The next issue is custody of our children and terms of divorce. All 4 of our children are young, not even in school yet. She says if I agree to give her primary custody she will let me have the house and will not want child support, and will give me all of our savings so I can raise my son as his mother is struggling. She also agreed to pay for some home help for me (I am disabled and need help occasionally during flare ups, which she usually provides). I told her I could afford it on my own but she insists as she says she wants to help out since she won’t be there. She will move across the country with our children but said she will bring them for at least 2 weeks every 2 months so I can have a relationship with them and will pay for me to fly out to see them whenever I want.
I don’t know what to do. I have no family to discuss this with because 2 of mine and Amy’s children are adopted. And they think my biological son is more important than them which is obviously untrue. It makes me feel horrible but I don’t even know my son. It feels like I’m losing everything for a person I don’t know. And I know he’s a child and I shouldn’t feel that way. But all I ever wanted was my wife and kids. And while I will love my son and take care of him, I don’t feel like he is my kid yet just because I haven’t really had time to get to know him. A month ago I wouldn’t have recognized him if I saw him on the street. I feel so much guilt for feeling this way.
Amy and I both are fairly well off but she is more so than me. She offered to hire me a lawyer of my choosing if I don’t agree with her terms. I told her again I could afford it but she says she just wants to make sure I get a fair deal. But I just can’t, I don’t want to divorce or lose my children. I love my wife and children more than anything. I just don’t understand her motives or why she is doing this. It feels like I have to pick my son or my wife and our shared kids.
I keep trying to make sense of it in my mind. She will not tell me any reason for wanting to get divorced. She is even being incredibly nice to my son. His birthday had recently passed and she got him a new game system (they haven’t met, she said say it was from myself and his siblings). She even told me what her nephew (same age as my son) is into so that I can get things my son might like.
I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for. It feels like my life has been completely ruined. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t seem to help. A month ago my wife and I were planning on trying for another baby and picking our next vacation spot, and now I’m going to be divorced. How do I move on? How do I not unfairly resent my son when I know it’s not his fault? I keep hoping there’s a way to convince her to stay. But I don’t even know what the problem really is. I’m hoping someone else has been through learning they have a child after 10+ years and know where to start or what I can do to either move on or convince my wife that this doesn’t have to happen. Any advice at all is appreciated though.
TL;DR: my wife is leaving me after I found out I have a child from a previous relationship. I risk losing custody of my children, and don’t even know why she wants a divorce.
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