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Date: October 10, 2022
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I agree don’t move out as that can give her more leverage with the kids, I will say living with someone that has caused so much pain is brutal. But possible. This isn’t your fault and nothing you could have done would have changed her behaviors. She is solely responsible for that. I am so absolutely sorry for what you are experiencing. It’s hard to jump into survival mode and I feel like it just happens naturally. But that is probably where you will be operating for a while. Because there is a lot at stake with the kids, I would try to get the evidence if possible. Which is horrible I know you probably never want to see what was said again. This pain and suffering will pass but it is going to take time. And it’s going to hurt like hell that isn’t to be harsh but it’s to prepare you. You can get through this and you can eventually be happy again.
I can’t imagine it would be easy but if you could try to be stealthy and try to operate like normal. If not just operate under the premise of feeling unwell. I would not want her deleting the evidence of getting the upper hand with court. You’ve already been hurt tremendously and I wouldn’t want her to screw you over anymore. Right now you don’t know who this person is or what they are capable of.
I would call lawyer as soon as you can (if you work you job’s employee assistance program or overall benefits may offer discounted services for layers). They will require a retainer fee, I hope your money is separate if not and if there is anyway a family member could help so she doesn’t see any charges from that. Or open another bank account and if you can’t move money around without her seeing I’d recommend pulling a little from retirement so you can to cover the retainer fee. This is beyond stressful and so hot to game plan when your life has just changed.
You need to know what your rights are and where to go from here. A lawyer first is the best option. Get connected with the lawyer first and get your retainer fee and everything situated. Then I encourage to try to find a therapist because this is so much to navigate.
Op hang in there, you are in the thick of it. This is temporary.
The biggest issue I see here, besides the cheating of course, is her decision to invite random men to the apartment. It’s one thing for her to have her gay friend there but to allow random guys inside shows having bad boundaries and poor decision making. It almost seems as if this was something she was looking to do. The other thing is that she knew you were on your way and still decided to get a quickie in. The phone call was clearly to see how much time she had to get with this guy before you got there. That implies she had some cognitive sense of her actions.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me but I would understand if you gave her a second chance as there are certain underlying factors: alcohol.
Ask him for proof, please record it so I can hear whats going on.
If it is real and you are doing it, dreams are wild. I had a sex dream about my severely abusive ex ones and woke up terrified and in tears. I can absolutely guarantee you that I had no wish to even be in the same town as that asshole ever again, and was scared of going to sleep for several days.
If it isnt real thats a real shitty way of manipulating you.
Cringe
Do you want to just be FWB with him?
I don’t condone spray bottles for cats, they’re proven to be an unsuccessful training method, and unfortunately we live in a one bedroom apartment so there’s not a lot of space to section off. He has headphones but sometimes the cats jump up on his desk too!