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arinamir, 23 y.o.
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Date: November 17, 2022
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This is pretty complicated, OP. In some ways, it sounds like he wanted the process of introducing new partners into your sexual dynamic to involve both of you, though he went about it poorly, and you backed out on that process, because it wasn’t truly something you were comfortable with. The communication around this new dynamic broke down very early on, and that led to where you are now.
He shouldn’t have pushed you to do something you weren’t comfortable with. Full stop. You should never “talk your partner into” something as intimate and complicated as sexual activities, especially if it involves other people. So he was definitely in the wrong there. And tbh anything that happens as a result is his fault, since it happened at his initiation.
He’s also correct, in that you are not swinging. You are in a situationship/ FWB relationship with a single person. That’s not swinging, that’s more like polyamory, where you’re in emotional relationships with multiple people. So in a way, you’re in the wrong… but it also seems to me like the rules and boundaries weren’t fully established, and assumptions were made based on misunderstandings. To be extra fair, you’re new at this, and he isn’t, so the burden was on him to establish the rules of the game (that, again, you didn’t really want to play).
Prognosis on your relationship is, things will be difficult for a while, if the relationship even survives. Hopefully it’s a strong marriage to begin with, because it sounds like both of your boundaries were overrun, and your communication around this really significant new phase of your relationship broke down really badly early on in the process.
Good luck.
Fair point, I have no information about that. I don’t know what/who she follows on social medias. Im much more afraid of some of her friends that I know have/had interest in getting involved with her. Hence why I’m making a difference between random people and people she knows. But since I haven’t experienced it first hand, I can’t say for sure what my reaction would be.
Looks like maybe she felt some chemistry and was gutted/offended you didn't pursue after initial date.
After a few months she's found a victim and wants to share with you what you've “missed” out on
The best way to handle this is move on. You’re 20 years old you will be fine
I always lean towards quick honesty, but this is something I could see waiting to talk about depending on your circumstances. If your financial life is rough right now and you depend on each other in that way, then yes, I would talk about it now as surviving life trumps just about everything else. If your finances are good for the immediate future and if your wife is in a fragile emotional state, then I might wait for a better opportunity to talk about it depending on how badly I was feeling about losing the job. I know for my wife that if I was suffering greatly, she would want to know what it is no matter the circumstances.
I’m guessing you’re talking about Huntington’s Disease or similar.
First, I’m very, very sorry that this is your lot.
Second, this is impossible all around. At 24, you think that 40 or 50 is forever away, but it’s not. You think that love is enough to make intense caregiving A-OK, but it’s not.
The salient practical questions are these: does she want children? If so, can the two of you afford the genetic testing and IVF to ensure that you don’t pass this gene on. If not, is she willing to forgo children to be with you?
Second, do you have enough money to hire the in-home care that you know will be necessary in 15-25 years?
Third, you may well spend the last 10 years of your life in some kind of assisted living when home care is no longer practical. What does your marriage look like then?
Fourth: are there any treatments in place now or on the near horizon that will extend your quality of life?
I’ve known one family with Huntington’s. This was many years ago before genetic testing was available. The man I knew was married to his second wife when his father was diagnosed. When the man was informed of the genetic link, he opted not to have children with this woman. When he began exhibiting early symptoms of the disease that ravaged his father, he left his wife because he didn’t want her to have to care for him.
Your gf has to make this decision on her own. The reality is that she is signing up for a very difficult road if she chooses you – and that’s ok if that’s what she wants. However, the life that she will eventually be living as your caregiver will be made infinitely more difficult without the support of her family.
In many ways, it would be easier NOT to know what’s on the horizon. We’re all playing the odds when we marry. In this case, though, she is required to give informed consent when she marries you, and that’s so much more difficult than than the theoretical “in sickness and in health.”
Please give your gf space on this one. Let her work with a counselor, and try not to pressure her. She needs to come to you independently despite her family’s misgivings or not at all.