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Date: October 4, 2022
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About 3 weeks ago I was snooping through my gf’s phone, which I know is a shitty thing to do and something I’m not proud of, and I saw in her Snapchat that a message had recently been sent to a man whose name I didn’t recognize. I opened up their chat history and recent messages had been deleted, but ones from 2017 and earlier had been saved (we started dating in February of 2016) and there were all kinds of sexual messages being sent back and forth. When I called her out on this she admitted to messaging him and that it had continued up until a few weeks ago. She told me this was a guy she used to hook up with right before w started dating and that nothing physical happens between them since we started seeing each other. She claimed that it was all about her feeling insecure about herself and having these messages of someone that would want to be with her helped her feel better about herself.
I’ve spent the past 3 weeks asking her questions about every unimaginable thought that has been going through my mind and after al the constant questions she finally broke down and admitted much more to me:
She had met up with this Snapchat guy a few times since we were dating but never had sex. They did meet up at a bar with friends and made out with each other. This would have been about 6 months into our relationship.
She also met up several times with her ex-boyfriend while we were dating. On at least 6 specific times that she can remember they met up on had sex. The last time being 1.5 years after we started dating.
We bought a house together 5 years ago and she claims when that happened she cut off everything with her ex and felt an unbelievable guilt about everything and this would never happen again.
I was planning on proposing to this girl in January. I feel like a broken person now. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I feel like my whole life is falling apart. At times I feel like I still want to make things work with this person, but other times I feel like an absolute fool for even thinking that. Everything I’ve built my life around for the past 7 years and planned my whole future around feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do.
Tell him to go “Goblin Mode” and see what he does.
You are 18 do I get it, but at some it becomes normal for your partner to have sex before meeting you. This is not to mention that generallt speaking it's unlikely to be your last relationship in life anyway. Have fun, explore having sex with her etc.
You’re right. Cheers.
should I dump her and block her out of my life
Yes.
Pregnancy is an excellent excuse to not try to change your hormone balance. If you do, you can kill your baby. Coping skills for anger are good, but you are all acting like she can take a pill to fix her hormones and not trying was selfish. It's just not a thing.
How long have you been together?
Either way, while I'll get into everything else, all other context is essentially irrelevant if you require your parents' approval. If that's the case, nothing else matters. You'll have to confirm.
But let's go through everything. It's hot to opine on the “I love you” significance depending on how long you've been together. While there's obviously no hard and fast rule on love, nor could we logically know for sure if her feelings are real or not, if you two barely know each other and don't know if you're compatible or not, then I could agree that the words are nothing more than words. You'll have to let us know.
Having said that, while this is obviously nothing more than my own personal opinion, I strongly disagree with your premise on love. You want your wedding day to be when you're able to meaningfully express love? You logically shouldn't be getting married if you're unable to confirm if you love your partner until your wedding day.
Your assessment of compatibility, or per your words, knowing she's “the one,” is also off. Her past relationships and/or sexual history is completely irrelevant unless it legitimately impacts your relationship (e.g. if she has a STI or isn't over an ex). To be fair though, while I might believe it's irrelevant, if it's a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker for you. That's not up to us. I don't think their comments matter at all. Just because they said the L word doesn't mean the word has no meaning. People have pasts, can legitimately love their exes, but things just didn't work out for whatever reason.
All of that has no correlation with whether she'll stick around or not. Assessing the viability of a relationship is actually a lot more simple than people think. A healthy relationship is one in which you're compatible, don't brush off red flags, and where when issues arise, you both work together as a team to sustainably address them. That's what the process of dating is for. To learn all of this information and then make a decision on your future based on the information at hand. Far too many people don't do that, recognize problems, but just brush them off and force the relationship anyway.
In saying that, are you compatible? Are there red flags? Are there issues? If there are negative responses to any of this, then you're not right for each other. If there's not, then none of what you've mentioned here means anything (besides what I mentioned about your parents).
WHAT THE HELLLLLL ????
I don’t think it’s that black and white at all. He’s already been committed and his behavior hasn’t changed at all since bringing up this stuff, this isn’t about commitment in my eyes at all. This is about him being afraid that he won’t be able to get his life in order and sustain a healthy relationship at the same time, and being afraid of “hurting me” by becoming busier with work.