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Dance [Multi Goal]
Date: October 13, 2022
AmateurPub
AmateurPub
Dance [Multi Goal]
Lol proceeds to describe abusive relationship
Yeah you should probably start by getting that ring back.
If you don’t have anything to hide, what’s the problem exactly?
He does have severe autism but I have previously explained to him before that this is the kind of stuff I need from him and he has been doing fairly well at providing it recently. Sometimes he has a slip up like this but they always seem to be in the most serious situations which inevitably cause severe backlash
So, this is a bit of a longer story. I messed up really bad the other night with my bf of a year. I totally admit to having absolutely messed up and I’m ashamed and embarrassed by what I was told. I wanna start by saying I’ve never been cheated on or cheated with someone, etc, and I didn’t cheat or do anything physical with anyone on this night. So, it was the end of finals, my bf, me, and some of our friends went to a club to celebrate. I had too many shots too close together and wound up blacking out, so I can’t recall anything after we entered the club. My bf stayed with me and he recounted what happened after he took me out of the club when I started swaying too much. He told me I said I wanted to make out with other guys because I like doing that when I’m drunk, and that I wanted to go home with my friends back in the club. He said I was mad and crying and started vomiting everywhere in the parking lot, and that he, rightfully, considered breaking up with me, but didn’t because he recognized I was plavacuum.
It sucks, but most people have had embarrassing nights like this. Actually my early 20s were full of this kind of behavior until I woke up in a bathtub of running water with enough pain in my lungs to let me know I had inhaled some.
I’ve never had an experience like that night. I’ve decided for myself to stay away from drinking because my bf matters more to me than getting a buzz on. I’ve also never, and I mean never, cheated on or kissed another guy while drunk or thought about it while in a relationship with someone else. My current bf i really, really am serious about, and so learning i said those things to him leaves me feeling ashamed and embarrassed and horrible for him because I can only imagine how traumatic that was. I don’t know where those comments came from truly. I love my bf a lot, and I want him to be around for a long time. The next morning I was really hungover. He helped take care of me despite what I’d said. I didn’t remember much aside from entering the club, so he caught me up to speed and I cried and apologized and asked if we broke up. He said no, and I was and am very grateful for that.
Honestly. This is where I wished the post would end, because unpacking the next bit is gonna suck for both of us.
Since then, he’s started calling me names. He says it’s punishment for my comments. He calls me derogatory names/swear words in a joking tone, refuses to use my name, has changed my name in his contacts to “dmb btch”, established no physicality, and he’s established a rule that I cant drink save for if I’m around him.
This is a man dealing with deep embarrassment, if left unchecked it will fester into resentment and kill the relationship (as you already suspect) what he is saying will do the same to you.
The thing is, I had a gf who did this to me once too. I was able to see that it was more or less this uninhibited vulnerability and need for validation that came from shame conflated with self worth. In otherwords: the thing that is normally filtered out is this underlying unmet desire to be desirable by all of the attractive people out there. Lots if people instinctively wish that being desired would be reciprocated. Because that shit feels good on a really base level. That “I wanna make out with other guys, because I like to do that when I am drunk.” Is a very poorly worded version of “I can't help that other people are attractive. I know that kissing attractive people feels good. I want other people to also consider me attractive. I am unable to filter these thoughts when I am drunk. I know being drunk isn't an excuse. But this is why I am talking. It's not what I do. But I do like kissing when I am drunk. It feels good. I want to feel good. Feeling like a stranger thinks I am hard won't ever stop feeling good, because I am a normal healthy human.”
Now, is this a threat to the relationship.
Well, while drunk you proved that you are unable to navigate your own Id in a way that your life will survive. So don't make it a habbit.
I understand the last two rules, but the name calling makes me feel further from him. He said initially it’d only be a week of that, but now he’s saying twohabit.
I get being butthurt about what you said. But this isn't a punishment. This is cruelty. When it comes to forgiveness, this asshat needs to put up or shut up.
To make things right, I’ve been treating him to coffees, flowers, and dinners, etc., and I’ve been planning a party for him for the past few weeks that I’m still working on.
Stop. Right now. Make a plan to spend the night at a friend's/parent's house.
The next time he says something terrible, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that while you understand that he was embarrassed, and that he has every right to be embarrassed, this idea of planning to punish some one for a length of time is weird, manipulative and can't last. Tell him you need a night off from the punishment. If he continues to be a dick about it, this is your red flag. If he accepts your appology, forgives you, agrees not to bring it up in future fights and changes your contact name he is a good dude. If not, this is the kind of behavior you can expect (and now much more easily) from future embarrassing mistakes.
I’ve asked for the party if he could not call me those names, and he agreed. I know I messed up majorly the night we went out, those things I said no matter how untrue, I can’t erase, but I’m now just trying to figure out how to make things right. I don’t want our relationship to be further damaged, and I want to make things okay. What can I do to make things better or do I just have to wait for time to pass for things to get easier? Is there a way to come back from this?
He has already had enough time to accept your apology. You fucked up. You owned it. You apologized.
Side note: A man who has his insecurities revealed is just as confused as he is dangerous. He is lashing out and being controlling out of fear. Your behavior scared him into no longer being confident in your loyalty, your attraction to him ect. To some extent, this is his self esteem issues. You don't have any responsibility or agency to cure those. But if this does resolve, and you do continue, therapy is such a good idea.
I would suggest you spend some time apart so you can think clearly. Idk if you really want to put anymore time and effort into a relationship with a man who would do this to you.
Dude your daughter's arm being slashed should be where this story ends. I deeply dislike how much you talk about the divorce and mention nothing about the smaller children. She's full blown nuts and you're whining about her sleeping with someone? Get your priorities straight yesterday
i wouldnt do that, but ok
You should always communicate your concerns about anything in a relationship. Let her know it makes you uncomfortable. It may be that they continue to talk as friends because it just was incompatible as a relationship. Sometimes that can happen but – in my experience – it soon fades away and you become strangers again.
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Stop threatening and tell him you didn’t sign up for this and it’s not your problem. Let him know he needs to find elder care and pet care starting tomorrow. Stop rolling over and taking this bullshit.
girl, no.
22f here. that man is NOT WORTH UR EDUCATION, UR FUTURE OR UR TIME. don’t fall for this love bs trick.
i ended up in a similar scenario and i’m glad I turned my life around for the better. i am happy, independent, and doing what i love rather than living with some bum who did nothing for my happiness, love, time or money.
tell him no and if he persists, leave him. no man should ever take away those life privileges from you.
When a relationship is the cause of insecurity, the relationship is not a good one.
Boyfriends are supposed to make you feel sexy and awesome.
I completely get the fear of pushing him towards more extreme behavior, but I’d do something to make it clear you’re not interested.
Start with the food issue. Make it clear that it’s disruptive to your life and needs to be corrected, and suggest he do this before you have to deal with it otherwise like you’ll start tossing the food/complain to the landlord about disruptive behavior/etc. I’d stop letting him know about it too, he ordered it, he can find it. He’s trying to engage you, don’t give in.
The meeting can be shut down too. If he approaches with the prospect of it being a friendly coffee or something- tell him you’re too busy to fit him in and not looking for new friends atm. If he says it’s business related (given LinkedIn and idea) say you’re not qualified/overworked/not meant to do your job outside of work channels/whatever is most plausible and suggest he find another company to work with.
I’d definitely keep the journal of his behaviors so you have a log of times and dates.
Hopefully this should curb any further problems without it being triggering for more aggressive tactics, but if he continues and brings up info he’s not meant to have- I’d call it out immediately. Not aggressively or scared (which is valid) but kind of just curious and confused “how’d you know I’m from __ town? I’ve never mentioned that” in addition to lie to prevent him from knowing more. Don’t leave question on your stance (“I don’t think I’ve ever said”) so if he argues, you can leave it at (“no I don’t ever mention that, odd you know. “) it doesn’t have to go further than that but enough that he’s aware he’s being too forward.
If you can get your gay friend to come spend time and pretend to be your bf, especially after laying down boundaries it might be helpful since that’s when he might push to more obvious forced interaction.
I understand the thought and your age…
Just curious…do you think the grass will be greener on the other side? Do you think your missing out on dating more? Do you think yout missing out by not dating more?
The reason I'm asking… don't pass up your soulmate bavause you think you are missing out. A soulmate will support many things…of you want more space to do things with friends only or alone. A soulmate would be able to let you explore what your missing out on.
If you think your missing out on just experiences more women….well…let me tell you .. I had felt like a serial dater and my life is nit any better and more fulfilled. It became more superficial and l8ving a lie because I dated men thar wanted my time and I had other people or things that deserved my time.
My relative recently didn't want to date…I said …don't miss out on your soulmate just because being young and dumb sounds more fun. You should be able to do that together pr apart. Soulmates would like you do your thing
Yea yea whatever. She didn't seem to be disturbed by the age part at all until it was pointed out. This is just rage bait anyway so cool it mrspreto. Happy cake day
There should be legal consequences for hiding a child from a father.
OK, you were tempted to cheat, but chose not to. So far, so good. Trouble is, your battle with mean old Mr. Temptation isn't over. In fact, it's about to escalate. Let me show you what Mr. T has lined up for you.
Offloading your guilt is The Small Temptation. Shifting it onto Husband is The Big One. What looks like a humble, remorseful confession to you is so easily remade into a wake-up call with a bucket of ice water for him. A reminder that other men want you. That you like being wanted. That after 18 years, a wedding, and 2 kids, he doesn't get to take anything for granted. That maybe he better raise his game. Compliments, interest, attention, flirtation, intimacy.
Tell me what Husband did to deserve it, and I'll reconsider. Meanwhile, for chrissakes, OP, please offload your guilt to your confidant, therapist, or confessor. NOT Husband.
Dont play games with the man. You aren't interested.
Be really careful he doesn't try to hurt the cats in retaliation..
“Step back”?
You're making it worse.
You should say yes, move out. Anyone willing to damage you like that is not someone you want to stay with.
Dude are you really this dense???
You ditched your girlfriend for your female friend on Valentine’s Day. You made a date with another woman!
If I were your girlfriend, I’d leave you for this.
Well, you know what they say about playing stupid games. I think you should tell her the truth, and do some honest work on yourself to see what would compel you to invade her privacy like that. This behavior is not conducive to a trusting, loving relationship, and you'll only get your feelings hurt with no one to blame but yourself.
Is it possible your husband is on the autism spectrum? Fixation on specific topics like that can be a symptom.
Is it possible your husband is on the autism spectrum? Fixation on specific topics like that can be a symptom.
We can't read his mind, but if I had to guess he got what he wanted and moved on. Sorry this is happened to you.
Substitute her milk with almond or soy milk and for God’s sake keep her out of Taco Bell after nights at the bar.
If you aren’t happy and he is lying to you, he will lie to you about something else eventually, if he hasn’t already. You’ll be even more unhappy and you’ll continue to fight, etc. don’t stay for the baby’s sake, never stay because of your child.
yeah english is not my first language and in spanish it is common to call your gf's mom your mother in law even if youre not married
Don’t feel bad about finding out you were dating a cheater. Dump her.
Don't sell yourself short buddy. You're fresh meat in a small town and you're at a very marriable age. Get out there and mingle.
So, I am hoping that it's not true, but I do need to point something out about the video.
Video sent over SMS looks exactly like you described, like a 360p video all choppy and pixelated.
You need to track down the source of this video and have the video sent to you over a data network so it comes through clearly, something like Facebook messenger. This will allow the uncompressed (relatively) video to be sent and you will be able to see if it's your GF or not.
There's way too much left out here, I feel anyway.
Firstly, you see your friends relationship from the outside, remember that.
About your own, there's just a lot not said, or said vaguely. You say you haven't gotten flowers, that you want him to look after you more, but something about the way you write that just nags me.
Have you done the same for him? Have you talked to him about this? Why is it a problem that you're equal, going 50/50?
Yeah though it is very likely she will as my job is lite hiring anyone atm
Be sure you have evidence to show her
Stop being his mom. You are a GF, not his hair stylist, cook or a driver!
Thank you
Sex is importing to a relationship if one if the partners wants it. I’m not sure there is a path to a successful long ter relationship here as one you will constantly be resentful (of th pressure to either have se or go without).
Why not break up, remain friends and seek someone more sexually compatible. You haven’t spent enough time together to feel you’ve invested too much in the relationship to move on.
Call a domestic violence hotline, they can help you find a place to live so you can get out of there.
I can relate so much to this!! Once people hear I have a psychology degree, people unload on me! It frustrating because they only want me to listen! I have problems too that I want to talk out, but it’s only about them. But I feel so bad because I understand they are having a rough time that I end up just being emotionally and mentally exhausted from them.
I handled it probably not the best way. But I just stopped responding after I realized the one sided relationship. Or only responded when I had the time and energy.
If they aren’t interested or have no interest in your problems, I say leave the relationship/friendship. They need to see real help! You are not a therapist.