Let him know how you feel about him and your friendship before its too late. Just go straight to the point and if he understands then it's all good and keep him as a best friend. If he doesn't then distance yourself. It would be better for both of you
I was in the same situation as him, but the girl made me feel like there is a chance. Turns out there was no chance and I was just causing problems. But it left me in a state where I can't easily move on from her. I don't know how to act around her.
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My reasons against it are the statistics behind it. Seems like 50% of marriages end in divorce, so I’m not in love with those odds. Beyond that, I don’t agree with me having to prove I love someone to external parties (family, government, etc).
Grief is awful, I’m really sorry for your loss and how you’re feeling. I can understand why you feel guilty though, your wife is gone, you slept with another woman and it wasn’t a random it was your wife’s sister. Do I think it was a good idea? Probably not, and neither do you since you feel such guilt, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it now besides moving forward.
I’d make sure this wasn’t something that occurs again, if a relationship was to form it would forever confuse your daughters, and the rest of the family, and the sister after awhile would probably feel like she’s compared to her sister or you are just with her now because she reminds you of her sister. Maybe not, as I’m sure there have been many positive stories of this situation working out for some people, it’s just not ideal.
Yeah, consent is important. But this was a weird ambush. You could not keep dating her after this, I'd be afraid of being accused of something much worse.
I mean sure there's not. He's free to fuck up this kids life at any point and he should do so knowing there's no consequences whatsoever to the kid who's innocent in this completely. ?
I'm not mad he's not wanting to parent a kid that's not his.
I'm mad he did so for years and tucked his tail between his legs and avoided the issue for so long. Thereby assuring he fucks this kids head up for life.
What is wrong here exactly? Either you're hypercontrolling and need people around you to do exactly what you say or you're a little divorced from reality. Either way it sounds like a shit situation for your wife, who is behaving normally, and you should see a therapist for sure.
Yes, I agree – I’ve been to several doctors for the issue, take medication, and have made some changes to my diet. However, I could and should manage it better than I do. Unfortunately stress makes it flare up, and sometimes I get caught in a cycle where we fight, I feel sick, and then we fight over my sickness. So at this point I’m wondering if an antidepressant might be the answer.
You literally are sealioning right now on EVERYONE'S comments.
Projection. Also, I learned a new word.
Sealioning refers to the disingenuous action by a commenter of making an ostensible effort to engage in sincere and serious civil debate, usually by asking persistent questions of the other commenter.
Question for you: How do you tell the difference between sincere and serious civil debate, vs sealioning?
I even literally called out to you “hey you might have seen this as sarcastic, which is totally understandable, I just want to make clear that it wasn't” and you're…. pretending I'm lying? I don't get it.
It feels like you're creating a kafkatrap where once you decide someone is sealioning there's no way for them to not be sealioning unless they shut up.
I don't have to give you a script because people cannot be scripted.
You don't have to. I was just asking for an example to help better understand the point you were trying to make.
And, to a certain extent, making the point that if no such script exists, then the recommendation to go that route doesn't make sense. But that was secondary because I was kind of assuming that you actually had some kind of view of how you thought the conversation should have gone. I wasn't assuming you didn't.
It is a conversation they need to have. It doesn't matter if it goes well or not.
It doesn't? So… we don't care how relationships turn out?
You can't just not have a conversation cause you think it's not going to go well.
That wasn't my point, or at least not my main point. I gave other reasons to not have that conversation, mainly that it was (potentially) not relevant.
I was simply curious how you thought it would go. Apparently you think it wouldn't? Is that your response?
We use condoms without spermicide and water based lubes (have been the entire time, she gets wet but not wet enough for insertion). The condoms are pre lubed though and I don't know what lube they use.
That said when we first met, she was on the pill and I wouldn't use condoms, and she would still get UTIs.
We were both virgins when we met so hygiene is a topic we've had to learn. We did try baby wipes after sex and that didn't seem to work. It's occurred to me that maybe drinking water during a session could make her more likely to pee.
On my own end I have been less trimmed than recently, it's possible that's part of it. I also finger her a lot so maybe hand hygiene is connected? Will try cleaning nails more thoroughly. Thanks for the tips.
You cant stand some say the r word buy you undermine what jane been through when she was just 15, what your bf did must have harmed her alot. Just because he is your bf doesnt mean he was a bully when he was 15.
This honestly sounds like a few things (not a professional). But generally, it sounds like your husband has OCD. The controlling and the demanding sounds like possible OCD symptoms/ exhibited behaviors are passing the baton, so to speak, to something that would affect his fear of uncertainty, leading to a sub/conscious want or need for control. Wanting OR needing to control life, ESPECIALLY feeling the urge to control others, is unhealthy at best, and downright dangerous and damaging at worst. I think he should sit down with an IOCDF-certified counselor, or at least look into meeting with an OCD specialized psychiatrist, to look into testing for OCD. OCD is more than “my desk is so clean, I'm so quirky” or “I absolutely HAVE to do a task a certain number of times” – but cleaning/ contamination OCD is a thing, and Counting/ repetition is as well. Thoughts that seem like leaps on logic, such as “You need to wear your sandals correctly” may be coming from a place of fear that you may injure yourself, or that something negative/ bad may occur at all.
IDK like I said, not a pro. And this is not singularly OCD-based behavior, IF he is indeed experiencing and struggling with OCD. But communicating with professionals, INCLUDING marital professionals, would be a must in my opinion, if you are looking to 'fix' your relationship, or to continue being with him. It matters, too, how he responds to any form of counseling. There's something going on in his head that an unbiased, trained professional should speak with him on regards to.
Best of luck no matter what OP, having someone on your life that is trying to control you is horrible. I hope you can get what you need out of this thread, and that you can get to a positive outcome in this relationship.
Whatever else you do right now, do NOT bring a child into the mix until or unless the rest of your situation is sorted out and better managed. You make it clear you're already financially, mentally, and physically stretched beyond your limit with work and caregiving. Having a baby will only make all of that a thousand times worse.
Caregiver fatigue is very real and it's clear that's where you're at. If financially possible/resources available, you really need to look into some support, here – whether that's therapy for yourself to work through the decisions you need to make/how to better deal with your stress, or outside support for your wife and household based on her disability.
All I'm hearing is that he's fucking someone else and this is the tale he's spinning to make you feel like you're losing anything else but dead weight when this ends.
Are you in a no-fault divorce state? It doesn’t really matter if he’s cheating, so why waste money. Ask him. He’s giving her thousands of your joint assets, this isn’t a wait and see kinds of thing.
When I was in uni the running joke is that I would be stood up (date didn’t show). In the end, roommates would say “see you in 30 minutes” when I walked out the door for a date.
The singular only question I have on this, is if you can verify it. Not with your boyfriend, but with some of his other friends. If you've otherwise seen no sign of this or any red flags form him, and one person comes out of the blue and says it to you, it's best to verify before you make a decision (if possible). You admit you hardly know her, but how well does she actually know him, that she got told this?
I will be honest, it is unlikely this is not true. But if you are at all hesitating on going, then reach out to another one of his female friends you think you could trust, and ask if this is true.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. My sister has taken over 10yrs to recover and I’ve had to accept that she’ll never be the sister I loved before ED took hold. I still love her, but I’ve also never stopped mourning the bright person she was before.
I don’t fault anyone for leaving someone with addiction or severe mental health issues.
I don’t think this is anything to worry or complain about. Your partner is attracted to you. It’s how it’s supposed to be. I’d be flattered lol. Better than going home right after and doing the same thing to porn. Think about it?
yeah ok your stove, but is the table that close to the stove? I'm asking how something not near the stove got burned so thoroughly that everything in it was ruined, but half the kitchen isn't gone.
When you move, was your gf supposed to be coming with you? Or are you moving away from her?
I don't know if you're coming back to this thread, but if you do please know the whole sub is in your wife's post telling her how she has every right to feel like you ended the marriage that day, and should leave you.
Most people don't trust their partners to go out to clubs until 6am without them. There are very good reasons for that if you read any infidelity subs.
So you snooped through private conversations and it ended badly. Shocker. Sometimes people tell the truth when they are speaking with friends. Did you want her to call you little to your face? Would that have made you feel better? She was sparing your ego. Now you want what? An apology? Her to take it back? Everyone and I mean everyone confides in someone about something. It may seem benign but to the person who is the subject it is a violation. Doesn't change anything. Either accept it was in the past or go scorched earth and end it.
And it's your right to feel that way. Plenty of other people do not. Plus we have no idea how invested she was at the time, given that they were not yet a couple.
The fact he nuked at all is indicative of his character.
“If your actions hurt me, I will hurt you, even if the action wasn't intentional and the hurt just comes from my expectation's of you- if you do that I will go for your throat”
There are some things that are simply a matter of compatibility. High sex drive and love sex drive are not compatible. It seems you’re both gonna have to sacrifice something to help the other be satisfied.
I think this is just not a good match at this point
A relationship without honesty is nothing. You owe him the truth, so you did the right thing. But also it's now up to him to decide if he wants to continue in a relationship with you. He has every right to want to end things, moving on from infidelity is hot and often fails or ruins a relationship. What you had before you may never get back.
If this ends the relationship accept that and learn from what you did, grow and be better. There is always room to grow and be better even if your relationship continues, but don't expect it to be easy.
This is weird, and you are NOT overreacting—he’s underreacting. Next time he goes, you go with him. I mean if it’s not a big deal, right? Go hang out with the young mother. Make yourself at home. Call his bluff.
I agree, I think you're the reasonable one here. It sounds like you agreed on her being the breadwinner when you first get back to the US, and that she was excited about this job, and now is freaking out at the last minute. And it's probably scary to jump back into the workplace when you've been out of it a few years, but that's a her problem.
It's concerning that she now seems to remember your conversation completely differently. Does she do this often, or only this one time?
I don't understand leaving a job that you enjoy and have no issues with (to my knowledge.)
I'll support him regardless of if I agree with it or not, because his happiness is more important than any job. I'm just struggling to comprehend why he would want to leave in the first place if that makes sense?
Yeah that shows he's never going to get his life together. Will be best to leave him, and move on with your own life. Better opportunities will come to you.
Yeah that shows he's never going to get his life together. Will be best to leave him, and move on with your own life. Better opportunities will come to you.
My husband and I have had a similar issue. And I totally get where your gf is coming from. It feel like that sometimes. My husband reassures me too but it still hurts. I would suggest looking into getting some viagra. It really helps!
So, he tried to manipulate you to be the girl he thought he wanted, went 5 hours without you, then realized what he had thrown away and suddenly went 180 and said “walk around naked for all I care”? Listen to the relief you felt after you were done crying. He had his shot and he blew it. Maybe he did change his views in that short amount of time, but more likely he’s just doing what he said he did in high school and go along with your free will until he gets comfortable enough to show you his Andrew Taint side again.
The point is she should be asking about it in my opinion. Like it´s irrelevant whether he´s angry or not. She should not be making a decision that will potentially influence another human being for like 70-90 years based on a temporary attitude of somebody who may not even be involved in the life of that new human. She´s asking the wrong question. She needs to ask herself the bigger one. Not reddit.
Hey OP you are gonna see my comment in a few moments, prior to this one. please disregard it, this is context i missed in the post
He deffo likes you.
Let him know how you feel about him and your friendship before its too late. Just go straight to the point and if he understands then it's all good and keep him as a best friend. If he doesn't then distance yourself. It would be better for both of you
I was in the same situation as him, but the girl made me feel like there is a chance. Turns out there was no chance and I was just causing problems. But it left me in a state where I can't easily move on from her. I don't know how to act around her.
Godspeed!
Well that sounds insane. Good luck.
The condom situation… You mean you two both deciding to risk having regular unprotected sex? I wonder what happened at the psychologist…
I will never understand why people lie about their age, weight, etc…on those apps. Do they not realize that they will eventually meet the person? Lol
It's so fucking stupid.
Healthy at any size is simply untrue.
I would do exactly what you did
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My reasons against it are the statistics behind it. Seems like 50% of marriages end in divorce, so I’m not in love with those odds. Beyond that, I don’t agree with me having to prove I love someone to external parties (family, government, etc).
Misery loves company.
Grief is awful, I’m really sorry for your loss and how you’re feeling. I can understand why you feel guilty though, your wife is gone, you slept with another woman and it wasn’t a random it was your wife’s sister. Do I think it was a good idea? Probably not, and neither do you since you feel such guilt, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it now besides moving forward.
I’d make sure this wasn’t something that occurs again, if a relationship was to form it would forever confuse your daughters, and the rest of the family, and the sister after awhile would probably feel like she’s compared to her sister or you are just with her now because she reminds you of her sister. Maybe not, as I’m sure there have been many positive stories of this situation working out for some people, it’s just not ideal.
It’s happened, don’t be so hard on yourself.
Yeah, consent is important. But this was a weird ambush. You could not keep dating her after this, I'd be afraid of being accused of something much worse.
She's allowed to set her boundaries. If you don't want to adhere to them then you don't have to be in the relationship
I mean sure there's not. He's free to fuck up this kids life at any point and he should do so knowing there's no consequences whatsoever to the kid who's innocent in this completely. ?
I'm not mad he's not wanting to parent a kid that's not his.
I'm mad he did so for years and tucked his tail between his legs and avoided the issue for so long. Thereby assuring he fucks this kids head up for life.
He should have handled this as soon as possible.
What is wrong here exactly? Either you're hypercontrolling and need people around you to do exactly what you say or you're a little divorced from reality. Either way it sounds like a shit situation for your wife, who is behaving normally, and you should see a therapist for sure.
Yes, I agree – I’ve been to several doctors for the issue, take medication, and have made some changes to my diet. However, I could and should manage it better than I do. Unfortunately stress makes it flare up, and sometimes I get caught in a cycle where we fight, I feel sick, and then we fight over my sickness. So at this point I’m wondering if an antidepressant might be the answer.
Don’t offer to launder his jacket anyway.
Girl, he's married.
You literally are sealioning right now on EVERYONE'S comments.
Projection. Also, I learned a new word.
Sealioning refers to the disingenuous action by a commenter of making an ostensible effort to engage in sincere and serious civil debate, usually by asking persistent questions of the other commenter.
Question for you: How do you tell the difference between sincere and serious civil debate, vs sealioning?
I even literally called out to you “hey you might have seen this as sarcastic, which is totally understandable, I just want to make clear that it wasn't” and you're…. pretending I'm lying? I don't get it.
It feels like you're creating a kafkatrap where once you decide someone is sealioning there's no way for them to not be sealioning unless they shut up.
I don't have to give you a script because people cannot be scripted.
You don't have to. I was just asking for an example to help better understand the point you were trying to make.
And, to a certain extent, making the point that if no such script exists, then the recommendation to go that route doesn't make sense. But that was secondary because I was kind of assuming that you actually had some kind of view of how you thought the conversation should have gone. I wasn't assuming you didn't.
It is a conversation they need to have. It doesn't matter if it goes well or not.
It doesn't? So… we don't care how relationships turn out?
You can't just not have a conversation cause you think it's not going to go well.
That wasn't my point, or at least not my main point. I gave other reasons to not have that conversation, mainly that it was (potentially) not relevant.
I was simply curious how you thought it would go. Apparently you think it wouldn't? Is that your response?
We use condoms without spermicide and water based lubes (have been the entire time, she gets wet but not wet enough for insertion). The condoms are pre lubed though and I don't know what lube they use.
That said when we first met, she was on the pill and I wouldn't use condoms, and she would still get UTIs.
We were both virgins when we met so hygiene is a topic we've had to learn. We did try baby wipes after sex and that didn't seem to work. It's occurred to me that maybe drinking water during a session could make her more likely to pee.
On my own end I have been less trimmed than recently, it's possible that's part of it. I also finger her a lot so maybe hand hygiene is connected? Will try cleaning nails more thoroughly. Thanks for the tips.
You cant stand some say the r word buy you undermine what jane been through when she was just 15, what your bf did must have harmed her alot. Just because he is your bf doesnt mean he was a bully when he was 15.
I’m not sure why you’re downvoted here.
This honestly sounds like a few things (not a professional). But generally, it sounds like your husband has OCD. The controlling and the demanding sounds like possible OCD symptoms/ exhibited behaviors are passing the baton, so to speak, to something that would affect his fear of uncertainty, leading to a sub/conscious want or need for control. Wanting OR needing to control life, ESPECIALLY feeling the urge to control others, is unhealthy at best, and downright dangerous and damaging at worst. I think he should sit down with an IOCDF-certified counselor, or at least look into meeting with an OCD specialized psychiatrist, to look into testing for OCD. OCD is more than “my desk is so clean, I'm so quirky” or “I absolutely HAVE to do a task a certain number of times” – but cleaning/ contamination OCD is a thing, and Counting/ repetition is as well. Thoughts that seem like leaps on logic, such as “You need to wear your sandals correctly” may be coming from a place of fear that you may injure yourself, or that something negative/ bad may occur at all.
IDK like I said, not a pro. And this is not singularly OCD-based behavior, IF he is indeed experiencing and struggling with OCD. But communicating with professionals, INCLUDING marital professionals, would be a must in my opinion, if you are looking to 'fix' your relationship, or to continue being with him. It matters, too, how he responds to any form of counseling. There's something going on in his head that an unbiased, trained professional should speak with him on regards to.
Best of luck no matter what OP, having someone on your life that is trying to control you is horrible. I hope you can get what you need out of this thread, and that you can get to a positive outcome in this relationship.
Whatever else you do right now, do NOT bring a child into the mix until or unless the rest of your situation is sorted out and better managed. You make it clear you're already financially, mentally, and physically stretched beyond your limit with work and caregiving. Having a baby will only make all of that a thousand times worse.
Caregiver fatigue is very real and it's clear that's where you're at. If financially possible/resources available, you really need to look into some support, here – whether that's therapy for yourself to work through the decisions you need to make/how to better deal with your stress, or outside support for your wife and household based on her disability.
All I'm hearing is that he's fucking someone else and this is the tale he's spinning to make you feel like you're losing anything else but dead weight when this ends.
And it absolutely should end.
Are you in a no-fault divorce state? It doesn’t really matter if he’s cheating, so why waste money. Ask him. He’s giving her thousands of your joint assets, this isn’t a wait and see kinds of thing.
So he offers nothing physically, emotionally, financially, or sexually… I'm not sure what the question is here
When I was in uni the running joke is that I would be stood up (date didn’t show). In the end, roommates would say “see you in 30 minutes” when I walked out the door for a date.
What sort of hobbies do you have? Maybe your area has a group centered around it where you could meet people that share the same interests?
So? He's punishing you for what she did. He needs to grow up and get therapy. This is a him issue, not a you issue.
Do NOT get married until he's worked through his shit.
So? He's punishing you for what she did. He needs to grow up and get therapy. This is a him issue, not a you issue.
Do NOT get married until he's worked through his shit.
I avoid bringing people problems that have no solutions. Just say you only see her as a friend and leave it alone.
Yea get help. He's in a relationship and unavailable. Don't be a homewrecker
Pressured? How did you get that from “suggested”? Why not respond to what is actually written instead of inventing your own story to respond to?
The singular only question I have on this, is if you can verify it. Not with your boyfriend, but with some of his other friends. If you've otherwise seen no sign of this or any red flags form him, and one person comes out of the blue and says it to you, it's best to verify before you make a decision (if possible). You admit you hardly know her, but how well does she actually know him, that she got told this?
I will be honest, it is unlikely this is not true. But if you are at all hesitating on going, then reach out to another one of his female friends you think you could trust, and ask if this is true.
More hard dog water for you I guess.
His worry is a very real issue for men but that’s an odd time to bring it up
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. My sister has taken over 10yrs to recover and I’ve had to accept that she’ll never be the sister I loved before ED took hold. I still love her, but I’ve also never stopped mourning the bright person she was before.
I don’t fault anyone for leaving someone with addiction or severe mental health issues.
I don’t think this is anything to worry or complain about. Your partner is attracted to you. It’s how it’s supposed to be. I’d be flattered lol. Better than going home right after and doing the same thing to porn. Think about it?
yeah ok your stove, but is the table that close to the stove? I'm asking how something not near the stove got burned so thoroughly that everything in it was ruined, but half the kitchen isn't gone.
When you move, was your gf supposed to be coming with you? Or are you moving away from her?
I don't know if you're coming back to this thread, but if you do please know the whole sub is in your wife's post telling her how she has every right to feel like you ended the marriage that day, and should leave you.
Go spend some time over at r/QAnoncasualties. You dodged a massive bullet.
Women appreciate men who are self-confident. You sound like you have very low self-esteem. How can anyone like you if you don't like yourself?
Most people don't trust their partners to go out to clubs until 6am without them. There are very good reasons for that if you read any infidelity subs.
So you snooped through private conversations and it ended badly. Shocker. Sometimes people tell the truth when they are speaking with friends. Did you want her to call you little to your face? Would that have made you feel better? She was sparing your ego. Now you want what? An apology? Her to take it back? Everyone and I mean everyone confides in someone about something. It may seem benign but to the person who is the subject it is a violation. Doesn't change anything. Either accept it was in the past or go scorched earth and end it.
And it's your right to feel that way. Plenty of other people do not. Plus we have no idea how invested she was at the time, given that they were not yet a couple.
I hate to think you might be right.
I disagree that I'm incredibly shallow. I just have preferences, like anyone. And we are sexually incompatible.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with her body.
I disagree that I am the problem. Sometimes there is not a bad guy and a good guy. Sometimes people are not made for each other.
Finally, some or many women who are not pornstars have the labia inside. Your information is incorrect.
The fact he nuked at all is indicative of his character.
“If your actions hurt me, I will hurt you, even if the action wasn't intentional and the hurt just comes from my expectation's of you- if you do that I will go for your throat”
That is not the vibe
By last year you mean 3 months ago?
There are some things that are simply a matter of compatibility. High sex drive and love sex drive are not compatible. It seems you’re both gonna have to sacrifice something to help the other be satisfied.
I think this is just not a good match at this point
It's not a guy thing. It's an unmanaged ADHD thing. He's got to work on strategies that work for him. There's lots of info live!, in books, etc.
Even with managed ADHD there will be slip-ups. They happen. But it is his job to do the best he can. Right now, he does not.
A relationship without honesty is nothing. You owe him the truth, so you did the right thing. But also it's now up to him to decide if he wants to continue in a relationship with you. He has every right to want to end things, moving on from infidelity is hot and often fails or ruins a relationship. What you had before you may never get back.
If this ends the relationship accept that and learn from what you did, grow and be better. There is always room to grow and be better even if your relationship continues, but don't expect it to be easy.
This is weird, and you are NOT overreacting—he’s underreacting. Next time he goes, you go with him. I mean if it’s not a big deal, right? Go hang out with the young mother. Make yourself at home. Call his bluff.
I agree, I think you're the reasonable one here. It sounds like you agreed on her being the breadwinner when you first get back to the US, and that she was excited about this job, and now is freaking out at the last minute. And it's probably scary to jump back into the workplace when you've been out of it a few years, but that's a her problem.
It's concerning that she now seems to remember your conversation completely differently. Does she do this often, or only this one time?
And let's be honest, she's hard, probably out of his league and gives him perfunctory sex that keeps this mess going every six months.
I don't understand leaving a job that you enjoy and have no issues with (to my knowledge.)
I'll support him regardless of if I agree with it or not, because his happiness is more important than any job. I'm just struggling to comprehend why he would want to leave in the first place if that makes sense?
Would this get better if I just bought a dishwasher and a dryer?
No, it won't because you still have the ass.
Move on bro.
Yeah that shows he's never going to get his life together. Will be best to leave him, and move on with your own life. Better opportunities will come to you.
Yeah that shows he's never going to get his life together. Will be best to leave him, and move on with your own life. Better opportunities will come to you.
Run. This man is just red flags stitched together
Run. This man is just red flags stitched together
My husband and I have had a similar issue. And I totally get where your gf is coming from. It feel like that sometimes. My husband reassures me too but it still hurts. I would suggest looking into getting some viagra. It really helps!
So, he tried to manipulate you to be the girl he thought he wanted, went 5 hours without you, then realized what he had thrown away and suddenly went 180 and said “walk around naked for all I care”? Listen to the relief you felt after you were done crying. He had his shot and he blew it. Maybe he did change his views in that short amount of time, but more likely he’s just doing what he said he did in high school and go along with your free will until he gets comfortable enough to show you his Andrew Taint side again.
The point is she should be asking about it in my opinion. Like it´s irrelevant whether he´s angry or not. She should not be making a decision that will potentially influence another human being for like 70-90 years based on a temporary attitude of somebody who may not even be involved in the life of that new human. She´s asking the wrong question. She needs to ask herself the bigger one. Not reddit.