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Anariel, 20 y.o.
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Date: December 23, 2022
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Sure, I can give a brief summary!
In essence, it explains how sexual desire isn't the way people think it is. It's a dual-control system with an accelerator and brakes. Things that trigger your accelerator make you want sex more, things that trigger your brakes make you want sex less.
Stress is an almost universal brake, and so for most people being stressed is going to kill any sexual desire. However, this doesn't mean being stressed is the end of it all, because stress can be managed. Sexual desire is also all about context, so you can do things to improve the context in such a way that you have more things that trigger your accelerator and fewer things that trigger your brakes.
It also emphasizes that sex is not a drive. You do not need sex. This craving you're feeling, it's caused by the same part of your brain that causes you to really want to figure something out when you're curious about it. In other words, it can be managed. It's entirely possible for you to go a few months without sex without feeling rejected, frustrated or anything else about it.
In other words, there are tons and tons of things the both of you can actively do to handle this situation in a way that makes you both feel good. Neither of you are stuck or trapped here, you just need knowledge and communication. Reading this book together is going to give you that knowledge, and show you how to communicate about this.
Honestly, if either of you have a kindle or something I'll straight up buy it for you.
Two things can be true.
Defending your home and acting on fight flight wasnt a wrong thing to do, waking up from a deep sleep into a threat situation can be very confusing and you go off of whatever your instincts tell you to.
Her seeing her partner act in an extremely different manner than she is used to, blacking out while beating a man to a pulp to the point where you are scared of calling the police due to how serious it was? And you stopped because your partner was screaming at you to do so? When she has a violent ex? That is also triggering as all hell.
Just like you experienced a threat situation and blacked out while becoming violent and lost controll, she is now experiencing both that shared threat situation, in addition to a secondary treat situation when she got triggered when you showed that you have the potential to black out and harm someone that gravely, just like her ex perhaps? She is probably triggered to high heavens. Most abusers dont become violent early on, it can take years. Seeing that you have the capacity to be violent in that manner can also trigger a fear of wether or not you will change in that way. I'm not insinuating you will at all, just that triggers works in mysterious ways and makes us terrified of repeating the pattern and getting stuck in a harmfull situation again.
This was an extreme situation that is still really, really fresh for the both of you. It seems like neither of you have talked to other people about what happened. While she should absolutely talk to a therapist to see if she can to work trough the trigger, trauma and the event of her home being broken into, you should also see a therapist. This situation could very well be traumatizing for you and give you a few triggers and fears yourself, so remember to take care of yourself here as well. You werent wrong for defending your home, she isnt wrong for being triggered by past trauma when you blacked out and got violent. You both should talk to professionals and get help to navigate this as individuals, so its easier to break the surface and get some air in a situation that is as intense as this.
I’m disgusted and hungry.
So they taught you to bullshit them
You should let him go but also plan for you to have your party after the baby is born whilst he stays home.
First of all, this is a perfect example of why you shouldn't date coworkers.
It seems like you both dodged a bullet here.
She's obviously a piece of work. You're clearly not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship. At two months and you're talking about your future children and marriage? It seems like you're rebounding from your wife and became infatuated with this woman who was just having fun with you.
Stop dating coworkers. Go to therapy, and take time to truly heal before hopping back in the dating pool.
Do you think she is saying she wants to be with other people?
Honestly this is tough.
Regardless block him