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dance [Multi Goal]
Date: November 14, 2022
AmateurPub
AmateurPub
dance [Multi Goal]
We talked and agreed that it’s best we start completely over and take things slow. We want to air out the relationship and how we both dealt with the breakup. We agreed that we both want to get back together but that we again, want to take it slow and start as friends (based on the expectations we have on friends but also not see other people). Since we are taking it so slow, do you think it’s appropriate to ask this question now? Or should I wait and see if our relationship even escalates to a point of intimacy again?
Make sure to pay close attention to how he reacts to asking for more time, it could tell you alot.
Oh that is very interesting! You think so? I will look it up thank you
I had to sacrifice my relationship that was going to be long-distance to pursue my studies abroad. Looking back i def have no regrets
Yeah it does kinda seem like your ex was right. If you care about your kid at all you wouldn't drop out of his life for more than the bare minimum.
You did abandon your kid, it doesn't matter why you think that made sense, you still did it.
Yeah… it makes sense what you're saying, but it's so frustrating to see one of my friends making this mess of her life.
Absolutely seek legal counsel. Very little pisses me off more than weaponizing children. I was heavily weaponized in my childhood and it fucked my head nude. What you’ll get is a people pleasing ball of nerves and anxiety
Your dream turned into a nightmare. It's time to wake up.
I think that we are setting this girl up for a very big disappointment if this doesn't turn out to be some type of a 3D chess planning. What if we give her all these expectations of more and then there isn't any more?
No, we won't say “yes” when we don't know what to say. We'll say “ummmm” and look uncomfortable and he'll get the clue. If we have a boyfriend, we'll say that.
New job. And let your boyfriend go. He deserves better. Honestly, you are almost 30 and should know better. You aren’t in college. If I worked with you, I would totally think that you are either an alcoholic, an easy party girl with no morals, or at best an idiot with no common sense.
Through the years there’s always that one coworker who drinks too much at the party and makes a complete ass of themselves. That’s you. That is what you will be remembered for. I would leave both your job and boyfriend and promptly grow the f**k up.
The old….it’s not you, it’s me conversation.
The writing is on the wall, you know what's going on but you don't want to accept it. Do you honestly think that he wants to continue the relationship when he told you he wants a break?then breaks up and then uses (yes, uses you) you for sex and then continues to be evasive and leaving you in the dark? He clearly doesn't care about what you think and feel.
By the way, I hope you do see he needs to be evasive/avoidant with his answers to you. Why? Because that's how he can guarantee a continued source of sex when the coast is dry his end.
There is no question in my mind, and should be on yours too, that if he found an alternative woman he'd drop you like a nude potato and never look back. Do you really want to wait for that so you are even more deeply hurt?
You have an opportunity to pull the plug on him and run with your head held high, don't waste it! Don't let him demean you further by playing on your mind to fulfil his needs. Recognize you too have needs and deserve respect. You deserve to be told one way or another how he wants to proceed and if he is insisting on messing you about, you need to take action for yourself. That is, if you really care about yourself and how you feel.
I apologise for my harshness, but I genuinely feel for you, I see you are choosing to overlook the obvious and for that I am sorry. I wanted to get the message across without sugar coating it unnecessarily. Im brutal I know. I hope you cut your losses soon.
No one said “every woman”. Just “if the circumstances are right”. You also are not every woman. If you wouldn't, good for you. But plenty of women would.
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells because of how she has specifically reacted to you opening up in the past; or are you just assuming she’ll react a certain way? I’m going to be blunt OP. Reading your comments and post- you come off as a bit insecure and jealous to me. You are failing to communicate your feelings (which if you ARE afraid to share- you shouldn’t be with her anyway since a relationship is about feeling stable and NOT feeling like you’re walking on eggshells) and getting butthurt about how she acts in group settings (something to consider- many people put on a “social mask” and it’s not necessarily wrong- we just as humans tend to act a bit differently in groups as opposed with our SO’s).
It may be because she’s a people pleaser and so she’s subconsciously trying to include EVERYONE in the conversation; and is thus accidentally leaving you out. But again…. have you actually voiced these feelings? Communication is so important- because it prevents resentment from building. Resentment builds when we feel miffed about a situation and there’s no feeling of resolve on our end; which is why it’s important to ALWAYS voice how you are feeling. You’re getting increasingly insecure the more you ignore bringing up your feelings. That’s a problem.
My last thing for you… do you not think women can be friends with men? Because we can. And it can be purely platonic. I have a lot of male friends due to the field I work in (software development); and the fact I moved to another state where most of them are last year due to a cheating ex husband and ex best female friend I left behind in my hometown. Just because she has more male friends than (you’d expect) doesn’t necessarily mean they all want to actively fuck her or that she wants that either. Sometimes it’s purely circumstantial. You sound insecure more than anything, because from what I gathered; you think she’s lying about guy friends being there; yet it seems like you don’t have definitive proof she lied.
At the end of the day, if you want this to work- you need to communicate WHEN the thing that bothers you happens instead of waiting. This all falls on you due to this. It’s ok for you to have boundaries; but it’s important to discuss them WHEN an issue arises so you can both see whether you see your lifestyles and opinions being compatible or not in the future. Holding back and not communicating that will only waste time and build up anxiety/resentment for both of you. Her for being upset you held off the convo; and you for internalizing what she’s doing without getting clarity. I hope that helps.
You read the same post I did, correct?
Coworkers are not your friends.
While this is a good rules but it's not absolute. You can be friends with coworker, not all of the but some of them will click. I still hang out with my coworker from my previous job.
Well you're being pretty irrational about it and your husband isn't being very kind about it
You don’t sound settled.
Maybe you are having relationship doubts? Often people want to be settled and it annoys them that they aren’t.
OP, if you drive drunk and cause a collision, would you still be held responsible? Yes, you would. He chose to get wasted…. He's fully liable. It's a shit test to see how much crap you're willing to put up with.
Is this yet another bragging post?
Go to offmychest or whatever.
I see no situation here that needs advice since your mind is pretty much made up and attention seeking is not a relationship problem…
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Keyword “if” 🙁
Wait, so you didn’t say anything to those actually wronged, but suddenly it’s your duty to tell this guy, whom she hasn’t cheated on?
It’s one thing to bring it up with her and judge on the outside looking in, but it’s quite another to place yourself in the middle of their relationship, when nothing has happened.
I’m missing the part where this became your business. If you don’t like your sister, don’t talk to her, but it sounds like you were looking to cause drama for her, and yourself. The fact that you are shocked she isn’t talking to you is baffling.
What did you hope to gain from this? Were you trying to break them up and look like the hero? You’re not, you’re a meddler, but oddly enough not a meddler when it might have been justified. You tried to set off a bomb, then run like a coward when faced with your actions.
Honestly to me this sounds like you were bored and needed some drama in your life. You’re a pot stirrer, and you think people should still maintain relationships while you do so. Heaven help if you have kids and they get into relationships. Nightmare MIL in the making.
Did she say why she isn't changing in the other room like the other woman?
“She assumes things are aggressive” – maybe you are assuming that things are not agressive?
“when I’m actually calming talking to her” – if it's calm, it doesn't mean it's not agressive! Gaslighting, blame shifting, crazy making, dismissing her feelings is agressive!
“I raised my voice… She thought that was abusive” – I told her that she's crazy for thinking that! Raising voici is not abusive and she should know that! Me talking calmly is not abusive! She's shouldn't feel that! How dare she think something is abusive when it's not!
“he knows his intentions” Thats bs. If he wasnt interested he would make it clear hes not interested. The thing that bothers memost is that he seems to allow them to demean you for the sake of keeping their attention. Thats kind of a red flag. Had an ex gf that was like that and boy do i wish i had seen that flag.
???
You are right to have a trust issue. She did something sexual without you, your consent or your acknowledgement. Drunkness is an excuse. Rapists use the same.
It is time to make your boundaries clear. She stops that parties or she stops you relationship. As she is not trustworthy anymore, I would present it as a second chance.
I met him in person at a park every day for seven months Monday-Friday. At first I ignored him, then we began a friendship. I’ve never in my life been interested in an “Inmate” for the sake of them being an inmate. I dated a deputy before this. I don’t have a type and I definitely don’t go into penpal or whatever things to chat with inmates. We met in person, or I would never know he existed and it would of remained that way.
Weaponized incompetence.
Do you lay in the couch with your dad spooning you??? Because that’s what Op was doing and to me that’s a totally different situation then cuddling with family
You need to find god.
Hahaha is your wife my husband?? He also hates virtually all social things unless they’re with me or a very few other people and is not remotely bothered by people not liking him.
It sounds like, possibly (and forgive me if this is overstepping) but part of the reason this dynamic with your friends bothers you so much is that they’re kind of expecting you to do a bunch of emotional work for them that you’ve already had to do for yourself. Like they say they’re “less fortunate” and that’s why they can’t find friends or partners, but you’ve also faced a great deal of misfortune in your life and have found a way to not be alone and miserable by actually putting yourself out there and making an effort with other people. And I do realise that social anxiety isn’t something you just decide not to have anymore, but it’s entirely possible for someone to have been dealt a bad hand in life AND also not do anything to help themselves. It sounds like your friends’ life status is very much the result of the latter at this point.
It sounds like you’re being forced to accept all the responsibility for how your friendships with these women continue to function (and by extension for their entire social lives because they have no other friends), but are not being permitted to actually control how you spend time with them in any meaningful way. You have to be in charge without actually having the power to change anything lest you risk upsetting these “less fortunate” friends – that’s a very difficult position to be in, and as much as your wife is coming from a place of great compassion, she may be blind to the ways in which this is not fair to you. She is identifying with these friends because she sees the similarities between them, but she also hasn’t walked in your shoes – your “privilege” of not being lonely and anxious is as much the result of your resilience and good choices as it is of luck and natural temperament. You’ve had a tough time and still made (not been given, made) a good life for yourself – and having done all that work, you’re now being asked to do it again for other people because they don’t want to do it themselves. Helping others is certainly important especially when we’re in a good place in our lives; but you’re not a rehabilitation centre for lonely single women and the compassion you show them needs to be firmly buttressed by healthy limits around your time and energy, which currently don’t exist.
You are not facing a binary choice between leaving things as they are, or cutting your friends off completely. You can make yourself less available to their needs and whims, and still show up consistently and supportively in their lives. If having a come-to-Jesus talk with them where you lay out all your grievances and set nude boundaries with them is not your style, you can take back some control by setting a regular schedule and not deviating from that unless they make plans. So for instance, you say “I’m available to meet up with you (however often – once a month, once a fortnight, whatever) but outside of that I’m not going to have time to spare for socialising. If there’s something special like an event or a birthday you want to invite me to, I’d love to come along – but I’m trying to balance my social life in a healthier way and I don’t want to lose our friendship.” I realise this doesn’t solve the problem of their dependency on you at shared social events, but hopefully if you’re seeing them less often then that will feel like less of a burden. Limit the time you see them to a routine appointment and make it clear that you will see them outside of those times IF they make plans and invite you. But you won’t be reaching out to make those plans yourself, because you’ve already set up this regular time to catch up.
Now; they probably won’t like this. They’ll probably say how unfair it is that they’ll be all alone without you because they have no other friends etc etc. Your response is “I’m sorry you feel that way, but as I said I’m not available outside of these times.” Remember that “No” is a complete sentence and you don’t actually owe them an explanation for why you can’t spend time with them. The very hot part will be holding that line after they get upset and tell you how hurt they feel; you may need support from your wife or someone else to help you here. But if the only way they will accept continued friendship with you is on their terms alone, you should not be friends with them. Because keeping you as a friend should be more important to them than making sure you’re there for them as a crutch for their loneliness. They can’t demand you show up for them unconditionally and then not extend you a fraction of the same grace and understanding when you ask for it – that’s not a friend.
Sorry love but after 5 years he’s obviously well aware of your feelings here and is choosing to disregard them anyways. Speaking from previous experience I can tell you, it won’t get better. I’m sorry, but you’re making the right choice.
He had a job.
I realize that but after 4/12 years of playing mommy and the hygienic issues, why even continue to work on something that's so one sided? I understand venting, I'm not saying anything is wrong with that. it's fairly obvious at this point you need dump him and find someone who knows basic shit. also, how did you not notice his teeth at the beginning of the relationship? was he good about his hygiene then suddenly stopped or has he always been like this?
Uhm… you're with a loser hun. Don't get pregnant by him dear God. How the hell can a guy like that ever take care of you as a woman? Run away add fast as you can Jesus christ
I suppose you're right… We are going out again next week. I'm going to speak with her, and see what happens. I think that's the problem: We never spoke about anything. We just started getting closer and closer from nowhere, and acting like it is just normal stuff we always did. And now, I'm not sure about anything.
That’s not unreasonable. You just need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not. If it is, you need to communicate it and mean it.
“Hot mom feeds step son pork bacon while Dad’s at work”
Yup that wont work out in the long run
Condoms are a thing, tbf.
You just do it. You have prioritized her for years. It's time to do something for yourself for once. My partner was in a similar situation with a horribly abusive partner that was reliant on him in the same way. He made a plan for himself, made sure all finances were separated, he had an apartment lined up, and left. He found out really quickly how suddenly motivated she was in order to not become homeless. She was forced to get a job and actually care for herself. It was the nicest thing he could have ever done for her in my opinion. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, you're enabling her to act this way by giving in to her demands. I know it's “easier” to just give in, but it's better to online through a temporary discomfort and stress than to online every day of your life miserable.
This particular person(the guy) is a very troubled individual and doesn't even know where he stands………..so how could anybody else know either? Frankly, I think you are doing both of you(you and him) a disservice by living with one another. You're too close to the flame and you will not be able to see as clearly as you will by living apart.
As long as you two online together, you're going to keep this cycle going. It may be better some days/weeks….but it will get worse after that…….and wash, rinse, repeat.
I'm.so sorry you're going through this, there are many helplines out there, please reach out for help
You are pretty naive… She is staying over often in at the bungalow of her high school crush, you see they message and really believe it is about a cat joke?!
Then she active chats with other guys. She just send you screenies of harmless chats. And then she has an emotional affair and again you just say “so what”?! And the joke is that she behave as if it was your fault because she got so used to your daily phone calls and need to fill the void with talking to strangers…?! Does she have no job? Will she blames you for cheating again if you aren't availible 24/7?
You can bet she cheated on you in person in her city. You can bet that she laughed at you with her affair partner how naive you are. I don’t want to be mean, but she isn't a great woman! And she clearly doesn't love you. And the excuse with no attention yadda yadda… How often did you cheat with another woman? But she doesn't respect you. And if you move together, you will end up getting used. “Oh, i don’t have the money for rent or bills…” And you can have affairs everywhere, at work, the neighbors, at the gym… While you are at work, she will have her lover over in your bed and laugh at you.
So end it. You deserve someone better. And if you are honest: you don’t trust her and you resent her for her behaviour. And it is natural, because she betrayed you!
Yeah, you've been a real treat to chat with.
Why would you want to proceed?
It's not clear to me. Do you own the home or are you leasing and the lease is under your name only? Either way, I'd like to encourage you to make sure your space is secured and locked up while you're gone. If the owner allows it, your room/space should have a lock on it. This guy is alone in your home with your stuff an awful lot. You need to protect yourself and belongings from any weirdness or temper tantruming he might try to pull.