I haven’t called you one single name. I have simply labelled your attitude in your comments.
Your comment sounds like you’re trying to come across wise and holier than thou while simultaneously making no sense and no point at all. I’d stop while I’m ahead if I were you.
Dating for 5 months and she never told you before now? I wouldn't stick around. Nothing against trans people but I'm not into that and I'd be very mad if that was hidden from me causing me to waste 5 months of my life.
It should be communicated a lot sooner then that, not in-person for safety reasons OR over text for proof for the AH's that would out them but a call to tell them once things start to get serious is safe and let's everyone do what's right for them ASAP
Kate is making a bunch of excuses. They might even be true (like her not trusting her husband), but yeah… in my native tongue, we have a saying: “Someone who wants something finds a way, someone who doesn't want it finds excuses”. If Kate would want to protect her daughter, she would push for certain forms of custody in front of court. That's absolutely doable. But she doesn't because she doesn't want to break up. As simple as that.
And in the end… that's sad. I think what you still could propose is Kate going to individual counselling. If she ends up with a good counsellor who can get the gears in her head turning, she might take slow steps or at least a look around at people around her and their relationships and how they differ from her own. But besides that? Yeah, nothing you can do. She wants to be in this relationship. He wants to be in this relationship. And if two adult, consenting people want to be together – no matter how bad the relationship is – then that needs to be respected.
Best you can do then is keep watch if there is any issues with the daughter. Maybe suggest that Kate should send her child to a child therapist. Maybe then it'll come out if the daughter really doesn't notice anything – or if she does and the parents get a bit of a wake-up call.
When people talk about being at the wrong location according to gps, its like theyre at the bar thats across the street from the supermarket they were actually at, not across town conveniently located at the house where you would expect your cheating wife to be at.
If we start with racism – then I am sorry that you experience that. I do not know what format you are experiencing it but regular negative behaviour towards you (put downs, bulling, being overlooked etc.) will have impact on you – the question is how you react to it.
To me it sounds like you have had a tiering period – and sort of allowed you to start mirroring other behaviour to you – when you are interacting with others. Being repeatedly aggressive towards service staff – you are behaving in similar manner to them as racist people are behaving towards you. This is a slippery slope to start getting into – and it shows that this is a recent change in your general behaviour when your bf start commenting on it.
Remember – it is difficult to live as a couple. Strangely it is often small things (both partners bad micro habits) that irritates you – and it can lead to a sort of general irritation that can impact your tolerance to each other. People tend to let these things slide ending in bigger issues.
The main thing is that you have only control of your own actions/reactions. The fact that you put this post here is a great first step. Usually we are all more then qualified to solve our own issues – if it were not for the fact that it is very difficult to give ourselves advice and even more difficult to follow them.
I have a few suggestions for you. They are just tools but have been proven to work in many cases.
Start journaling. Write down daily two different things.
First positive thing you have experienced every day/things you are grateful for. We remember much better negative issues then positive ones – which results in that we are sometimes much less happy and less forgiving then we should be. In the case of your bf I am sure that the things that irritates you about his behaviour is much less then the good thing you experience from him.
Secondly – do like Dale Carnegie – write down “stupid” things you do/say and suggest how you should have dealt with them. Role play this new behaviour (alone or with others) and get a feeling if you are comfortable with it. Examples here could have been you being negative towards serving staff. Think through what were your triggers – and how you should have dealt with the situation – and train that behaviour/role play it. This could also be how you deal with issues/conflicts with your bf etc. when I use this method I find I improve a lot fast and when I stop using it – I do not develop as a person. The good thing as well is that instead of just being angry at myself for being “stupid” – I have taken positive actions to improve myself and I am happy to see that things are going better.
Make communication dates with your bf. This is the best tings you can do in a relationship. If it works you will have a wonderful relationship in the future.
Communication dates is where you set aside time to take serious discussions about what is going on in your relationship. These are big and small issues that you need to discuss.
The point is first to agree on the basic rules – that your talk should be honest, open, and direct – but at the same time tolerant and kind. You need to have a clear end decision on how to deal with the issue – even though that is just that you disagree/no solution. (In which case you discuss it more later).
The things to discuss should be clarification on expectations to each other, yourselves and to the relationship. Way to often we expect something from each other – but because we do not talk about them or we do not realise our behaviour can be negative then we feel upset when our partner behaves contrary to our expectations. (Like you experienced when your partner got involved in the shop) If we have the expectations clear – it is much less likely that we makes silly mistakes just because of unknowingly hurt our partners.
The second thing to do – is that both partner chose one thing they feel is wrong/has irritated them and discuss it and decide on an action to solve it. Can be big, can be small – but always start discussing small things until you have gotten used to solving things in this way.
Finally write the stuff down – what you discussed and what you decided and follow up next time you have a date.
It is a date – so comfortable chairs, maybe even a glass of red wine and candlelights. And when it is finished the question is to celebrate that we are awesome!
Why this – formal a-bit relaxed structure. People think they know how to talk – but forget often that they need to remind themselves that they have to be open, tolerant and kind – so the talks often ends in fights or that they are cross talking. A second thing is that people tend to forget what they decided (hence writing and checking issues and decisions). Regular cleaning up of issues diminish irritation before they become a serious issue that has negative impact on the relationship. Finally candle light, red wine and the “date” makes you feel more relaxed and more ready to find solutions.
You asked some questions about what caused the frictions. I can not answer that – but if you use these methods (or something similar) you have a framework you and your bf can use to work through your issues.
I will end with the old line – be kind to each other. Relationships are difficult and you need a lot of kindness and tolerance to have a successful one.
Thank you for your help. It gets hot to concentrate in class. I feel like she just used me. Like I was a toy for 10 months until she met someone better. Now I'm just mad at her.
I shouldn't have let my guards down that fast. I was inexperienced. I didn't ask the right questions. Didn't pay attention to the right details. She had 7 relationships before me while being 20. And took a 3 year break before me. Statistically, no relationship lasted more than a year. Furthermore, her parents had a bad relationship (arranged marriage), fighting all the time, and she has been saying multiple times that she doesn't believe in love.
You make a good point, though I have done it enough times through the years, I guess I am just sick of doing it. I have had back surgery in the past, though luckily I am healthy and strong. I would also continue to keep my back healthy. I appreciate your perspective.
Your mom is better off dead. Make sure she can’t come crawling back. She’s a god awful mom and a god awful human being
I haven’t called you one single name. I have simply labelled your attitude in your comments.
Your comment sounds like you’re trying to come across wise and holier than thou while simultaneously making no sense and no point at all. I’d stop while I’m ahead if I were you.
i don't have past relationships to compare to. i am trying to just figure things out.
i feel as if bringing this up to talk about will only highlight my own insecurities and low self esteem. not sure if it's worthwhile
Dating for 5 months and she never told you before now? I wouldn't stick around. Nothing against trans people but I'm not into that and I'd be very mad if that was hidden from me causing me to waste 5 months of my life.
It should be communicated a lot sooner then that, not in-person for safety reasons OR over text for proof for the AH's that would out them but a call to tell them once things start to get serious is safe and let's everyone do what's right for them ASAP
I hope they told the counsellor about it…
Kate is making a bunch of excuses. They might even be true (like her not trusting her husband), but yeah… in my native tongue, we have a saying: “Someone who wants something finds a way, someone who doesn't want it finds excuses”. If Kate would want to protect her daughter, she would push for certain forms of custody in front of court. That's absolutely doable. But she doesn't because she doesn't want to break up. As simple as that.
And in the end… that's sad. I think what you still could propose is Kate going to individual counselling. If she ends up with a good counsellor who can get the gears in her head turning, she might take slow steps or at least a look around at people around her and their relationships and how they differ from her own. But besides that? Yeah, nothing you can do. She wants to be in this relationship. He wants to be in this relationship. And if two adult, consenting people want to be together – no matter how bad the relationship is – then that needs to be respected.
Best you can do then is keep watch if there is any issues with the daughter. Maybe suggest that Kate should send her child to a child therapist. Maybe then it'll come out if the daughter really doesn't notice anything – or if she does and the parents get a bit of a wake-up call.
I don't blame her either? OP is –
I can't force her to go
When people talk about being at the wrong location according to gps, its like theyre at the bar thats across the street from the supermarket they were actually at, not across town conveniently located at the house where you would expect your cheating wife to be at.
This is a bit complicated.
If we start with racism – then I am sorry that you experience that. I do not know what format you are experiencing it but regular negative behaviour towards you (put downs, bulling, being overlooked etc.) will have impact on you – the question is how you react to it.
To me it sounds like you have had a tiering period – and sort of allowed you to start mirroring other behaviour to you – when you are interacting with others. Being repeatedly aggressive towards service staff – you are behaving in similar manner to them as racist people are behaving towards you. This is a slippery slope to start getting into – and it shows that this is a recent change in your general behaviour when your bf start commenting on it.
Remember – it is difficult to live as a couple. Strangely it is often small things (both partners bad micro habits) that irritates you – and it can lead to a sort of general irritation that can impact your tolerance to each other. People tend to let these things slide ending in bigger issues.
The main thing is that you have only control of your own actions/reactions. The fact that you put this post here is a great first step. Usually we are all more then qualified to solve our own issues – if it were not for the fact that it is very difficult to give ourselves advice and even more difficult to follow them.
I have a few suggestions for you. They are just tools but have been proven to work in many cases.
Start journaling. Write down daily two different things.
First positive thing you have experienced every day/things you are grateful for. We remember much better negative issues then positive ones – which results in that we are sometimes much less happy and less forgiving then we should be. In the case of your bf I am sure that the things that irritates you about his behaviour is much less then the good thing you experience from him.
Secondly – do like Dale Carnegie – write down “stupid” things you do/say and suggest how you should have dealt with them. Role play this new behaviour (alone or with others) and get a feeling if you are comfortable with it. Examples here could have been you being negative towards serving staff. Think through what were your triggers – and how you should have dealt with the situation – and train that behaviour/role play it. This could also be how you deal with issues/conflicts with your bf etc. when I use this method I find I improve a lot fast and when I stop using it – I do not develop as a person. The good thing as well is that instead of just being angry at myself for being “stupid” – I have taken positive actions to improve myself and I am happy to see that things are going better.
Make communication dates with your bf. This is the best tings you can do in a relationship. If it works you will have a wonderful relationship in the future.
Communication dates is where you set aside time to take serious discussions about what is going on in your relationship. These are big and small issues that you need to discuss.
The point is first to agree on the basic rules – that your talk should be honest, open, and direct – but at the same time tolerant and kind. You need to have a clear end decision on how to deal with the issue – even though that is just that you disagree/no solution. (In which case you discuss it more later).
The things to discuss should be clarification on expectations to each other, yourselves and to the relationship. Way to often we expect something from each other – but because we do not talk about them or we do not realise our behaviour can be negative then we feel upset when our partner behaves contrary to our expectations. (Like you experienced when your partner got involved in the shop) If we have the expectations clear – it is much less likely that we makes silly mistakes just because of unknowingly hurt our partners.
The second thing to do – is that both partner chose one thing they feel is wrong/has irritated them and discuss it and decide on an action to solve it. Can be big, can be small – but always start discussing small things until you have gotten used to solving things in this way.
Finally write the stuff down – what you discussed and what you decided and follow up next time you have a date.
It is a date – so comfortable chairs, maybe even a glass of red wine and candlelights. And when it is finished the question is to celebrate that we are awesome!
Why this – formal a-bit relaxed structure. People think they know how to talk – but forget often that they need to remind themselves that they have to be open, tolerant and kind – so the talks often ends in fights or that they are cross talking. A second thing is that people tend to forget what they decided (hence writing and checking issues and decisions). Regular cleaning up of issues diminish irritation before they become a serious issue that has negative impact on the relationship. Finally candle light, red wine and the “date” makes you feel more relaxed and more ready to find solutions.
You asked some questions about what caused the frictions. I can not answer that – but if you use these methods (or something similar) you have a framework you and your bf can use to work through your issues.
I will end with the old line – be kind to each other. Relationships are difficult and you need a lot of kindness and tolerance to have a successful one.
Best of all
Thank you for your help. It gets hot to concentrate in class. I feel like she just used me. Like I was a toy for 10 months until she met someone better. Now I'm just mad at her.
I shouldn't have let my guards down that fast. I was inexperienced. I didn't ask the right questions. Didn't pay attention to the right details. She had 7 relationships before me while being 20. And took a 3 year break before me. Statistically, no relationship lasted more than a year. Furthermore, her parents had a bad relationship (arranged marriage), fighting all the time, and she has been saying multiple times that she doesn't believe in love.
You make a good point, though I have done it enough times through the years, I guess I am just sick of doing it. I have had back surgery in the past, though luckily I am healthy and strong. I would also continue to keep my back healthy. I appreciate your perspective.
If your smart enough for medical school – you should be smart enough to figure this one out. It’s a no brainer